To not share money?

[Cakles2010]

I've live with DP and have one dc. We bought our own house this year (he fronted the deposit as I've never been able to save as a single parent) he earns about £15k more a year than me. We split the bills equally and I basically buy food shopping until I'm out of money which is usually not long after payday then he picks up the rest.

DP pays for any holidays and meals out (not frequent at the minute). He doesn't pay for anything for DC that includes Xmas, any activities, birthday and childcare (we don't pay this currently as I now collect from school due to wfh)

I have to add I am crap with money I don't save, I occasionally buy things I don't need and seem to be constantly skint but I feel utterly fed up that I get to a point in the month I have 0 in bank account and feel I have to rely on DP. I also feel that I have to "borrow" money which I then pay him back for daily things.

So is this normal? We are not married (yet) I don't know if it's common to share money at this stage, I've been in two relationships and DS dad never worked and I was the one with money.

Yes, but equally those posts always say that the non owner shouldn't be contributing to the mortgage

we split the mortgage payment but I'm not on either the mortgage or deeds ( we wouldn't have got a good rate with my past credit and DP has good credit)

But he could put you on the deeds now. He won’t, though, will he?

It all makes me remember why my Mum told me not to live with a a man until you were committed to each other and that meant possibly married, but certainly willing to share finances.

People rarely earn the same amount. But when people are in a relationship, surely the fact one person earns more doesn’t really matter because it all just belongs to you both. People bring different things to the relationship an some have monetary value and some don’t.

I realise some people have complex situations with children from previous relationships who get financial support from them or who need to support children or ex partners. It seems to me though that lots of people move in together before having the big finances talk...sometimes they don’t even know what their partner earns, owes or their financial situation at all. Why on earth would anyone do this? It seems such a basic and essential thing to communicate about...land if you aren’t able to have this conversation then waiting until you can to live together seems a good idea.

@Cakles2010 as he eats like a fukin pig! do you speak to him like this?

What we do every month is put all money in the pot then pay all the bills/costs/food/rent/savings for that month and what is left over we halve between us. Can do whatever we want with that half, save or spend. When gone, gone. Our income in not equal especially as we have a new baby and my older child but it feels fair. Andd means there are no gudges and one struggling. And takes account for whatever our income and no matter who the higher earner is, we both are equal.

I have to add I am crap with money I don't save, I occasionally buy things I don't need and seem to be constantly skint

If I had a partner like this I wouldn’t want to share my money. 🙁
OP, is there a way you could increase your earnings?

Also, how old is your son? Kids are expensive when they get older.

Of course it shouldn’t be an equal split.
Honestly, I get so confused about some people think marriage is for.

Research has shown that that couples which pool all their resources are happier, and also tend to stay together longer.
anderson-review.ucla.edu/joint-bank-account/

Plenty of other studies support this finding. So its not really a case of "supposed to " or "should". Many people pool everything because it makes their lives better. Of course if one of you isnt trustworthy/sensible with money it will make things difficult. But then youd probably run into marriage issues anyway.

@Bluntness100

Op, you can pay rent on your own place, you don’t need to live with him.

I never understand these threads, when a woman posts, as they do many many times, about moving in with her partner and splitting the bills fifty fifty and how she owns the house, and although she earns more, she keeps the split at fifty fifty as he has a kid ans she doesn’t, people always say, protect your asset and do not pay anything more than fifty fifty it’s his child. Always. One hundred percent of the time.

When a woman posts it’s “what a cunt, you’re being treated terribly, he should be paying more, you’re a family now”

It’s quite stark the contrast.

I agree that’s how the posts generally are but I would almost always say if you are living with a person as a family and they have children, you have to take them on properly. Not willing to? Don’t move in.

OP you clearly aren't happy, and don't want to be in this relationship. Leave, don't live with him if you feel that this situation is not fair as the resentment is clearly building. I can't work out if you or he is being unreasonable as I think we would need to see the figures, but it makes no difference as you are not happy in this relationship! Please reach out to people in RL, so what if you made a mistake, we all do! In terms of now, could you tell him you're not paying towards the mortgage as your not on the deeds? That would possibly get him moving to do it and you could save money to move. Or happy a smaller amount as rent?

I agree with PP he should not be paying for your son, I have a DD, DP has no DC - I've always paid more to cover both me and DD, although DP isn't keen on it and makes it up in different ways.

I'd be interested to know what your take home pay is each month and then what your outgoings are (e.g. towards mortgage, towards bills, and then rough amounts of what is spend on DC, leisure/fun, the 'stupid' spending and finally the balance left to food that you spend before running out)

Women on MN are always warned away from men who are spendthrifts and incapable of managing their finances. Or at least, warned from properly committing to them. I suspect that’s what’s happening here.

But she's not a spendthrift, Circum. He put her in debt by moving in and not paying his way. He runs her account to zero before chipping in.

I’d expect 50/50 on bills if not married and as you have a child then maybe 60/40 in his favour as there are two of you and one of him.

I don’t buy into the higher earner should pay more whilst dating. The other person could work more, swap jobs etc if they want to be able to benefit from a higher salary.

It's not 50,50 at the moment. OP is paying more for the food.

And they are not dating. They are living as a family.

When was the last time you went out on a date, OP?

Sorry everyone I didn't think I'd get this many responses I'm just trying to read through them all. In response to pp I wouldn't class us as dating but then I know some people are either married or nothing so...

We went for a night away about two month ago he did pay for this.

To be honest the more I'm reading through everything I think my issue is I don't feel secure this is mostly my fault because I need to manage money better and also decide if me and DP are going to stay together he needs to put my name on the house.

I honestly don't mind that I earn less therefore have less disposable income than him he's going on a big stag do next year he can spend his money how he pleases all in bothered about is that it doesn't effect ds.

If you’re not great with money get yourself on moneysavingexpert and complete an SOA, they can be really helpful in highlighting money ‘leaking’.

As you didn’t contribute to the deposit on the house I can understand you not being on the deeds as joint tenants, but you could have been tenants in common to reflect his contribution with the deposit. Although personally I wouldn’t buy a home with someone unless I was married to them, my partner won’t be on the deeds of the flat until we are married, however as he currently has no claim on the flat I do not charge him rent. Instead he puts away the equivalent of rent each month so he can contribute a lump sum when he goes on the mortgage, or it will be used for home improvements once he is on the deeds.

Like you my partner is not my sons parent, so utilities are split with me paying 2/3 and him 1/3 (apart from council tax). Food we don’t really count, I tend to do the online shop and he tends to do the little shops inbetween, but if he isn’t the busy one he’ll do the online shop. I do always offer him money to cover my sons portion of the food bill. I’m the only one responsible for my son, my partner is not at all expected to financially contribute to my sons upbringing.

I’m not sure why you said he doesn’t buy your little one presents as you then say he does by them presents.

I think put simply... Bills should be split down the middle when you're living together - ie the usual rent/mortgage, water, electric, food - without counting who eats the biggest portions.

Anything directly for your son should be from you and the child’s father - school trips, clothes, uniform, days out for DS etc.. And if that wasnt manageable then id be taking on extra hours or a new job. Even if he wants to and genuinely doesn’t mind, your child is not your partners responsibility.

I also wouldn't be moving in with someone who could say ‘my house, get out’ if things went wrong. Not only for my own security but my sons. Would you have somewhere to live if that happened?

@RayOfSunshine2013

So what about when one person earns significantly more than the other? When you’re living as a family?

50/50 just isn’t practical in every circumstance.

Of course if you’re ‘dating’ and living separately then there’s nothing to worry about, but once you move in together that means blended lives, surely?

I absolutely cannot imagine moving in with a man who has a child and using them as a reason to split costs 1:2 in my favour.

If the child wasn’t there all of the bills bar food would he exactly the same.

And if my partner earned significantly less than me then I’d want them to have the same quality of life so I’d expect to pay more. Surely that’s just reasonable?

And what happens if one person gets made redundant, or sacked, or gets ill, or becomes disabled, or there are more children on the scene? The 50/50 model is deeply flawed when it comes to the things that actually happen when building a life together. What is the higher earning person going to do, let them starve or go on benefits? How are you a ‘partner’ (let alone a husband or wife) if that is your attitude to your other half?

@picklemewalnuts

But she's not a spendthrift, Circum. He put her in debt by moving in and not paying his way. He runs her account to zero before chipping in.

But it seems like OP plucked a figure of thin air for him to pay? Correct me if I’m wrong. Not sure how’s solely responsible for putting her in debt. Maybe lack of consciousness sure, for not saying ‘are you sure that’s enough’?

instead of sitting down and splitting bills just let him pay £300 so I ended up in debt with bills etc.

This seems like selfsabotage too.

@Cakles2010

Sorry everyone I didn't think I'd get this many responses I'm just trying to read through them all. In response to pp I wouldn't class us as dating but then I know some people are either married or nothing so...

We went for a night away about two month ago he did pay for this.

To be honest the more I'm reading through everything I think my issue is I don't feel secure this is mostly my fault because I need to manage money better and also decide if me and DP are going to stay together he needs to put my name on the house.

I honestly don't mind that I earn less therefore have less disposable income than him he's going on a big stag do next year he can spend his money how he pleases all in bothered about is that it doesn't effect ds.

That’s really the crux of it op, what’s the future.

I don’t actually agree with other posters that if you move in with someone and they own that home you should get to live rent free if they aren’t willing to give you half the house.

But a lot of posters do feel if you move in with your partner you’re either entitled to half their home or rent free accommodation. You need to decide if your partner agrees with them,

And if my partner earned significantly less than me then I’d want them to have the same quality of life

The OP has moved into his home and only has to pay half the bills so surely is benefiting greatly as before she would have had 100% of her bills to pay. He gets someone to help with bills but his house is now shared with two others meaning less space, freedom etc.

He gets someone to help with bills but his house is now shared with two others meaning less space, freedom etc.

This is what you get with a lodger, not a wife and child.

@simonjt he doesn't buy him Xmas gifts and buys 1 or 2 birthday presents but they are from him solely he doesn't want us to pool together for birthday presents and would rather get his own. This is what I said in my op.

Are you happy with this situation? I'm genuinely interested if this is the norm as I have a lot of friends who have DP previous dcs and don't live like you do so I'm curious?