AIBU to tell DH he can't go out 2 evenings a week

[SquashSoup]

I need some unbiased opinions on this please. Happy to accept I'm being UR if needed.

We have a 22 month old DS and a 2 month old DD. Putting DS to bed is currently a bit of nightmare and easily takes 2 hours. DH usually does this while I clean the kitchen and tidy away all the toys, I'm also often cluster-feeding DD at this time, she's EBF.

On Wednesday evenings DH goes out with some friends, leaving me to do everything myself. Its really stressful and difficult trying to get DS to sleep while also breastfeeding the baby, but I don't begrudge him a few hours with his mates once a week.

However DH has now announced he's going out with the same lads again tomorrow night & I'm worried this could become a regular addition.

AIBU to tell him that he can't go out with his mates 2 evenings in one week while we have 2 such young children?

Just to be fair, he does help with DS when he's not working, including getting up with him in the mornings so I can catch up on some of the sleep I lose doing the night-wakings.

However in general I do 100% of the childcare for DD, the vast majority of the childcare for DS (he's not in nursery or anything), & the vast majority of household chores, life admin, etc. I get no child-free time at all.

When do you get your nights out with friends?

There's a pandemic on ... where's he going?!

Err... Where's your night out? We have a two year old and a 7mo old, I've been for more days/nights out than my OH since baby 2 came along because he gets a break from them at work, I don't. Mind you, it's tough with both of them on your own so neither of us go out that much, certainly not once a week.

YANBU and tbh im amazed you think its fine for him to have 1 night out a week with kids that young... every week... I cant fathom it tbh with a baby. When do you get to go out with your friends?

Do you get to go out once a week on your own & leave him to it? What would happen if you announced you were then going out two nights?

I’m guessing the answer is no, in which case no I’d say that’s not on

Also, where are you that he’s able to go anywhere with friends right now? Even if you’re tier one I didn’t think households were supposed to mix, so that’s another reason you can tell him it’s not on

@TheFlis12345

When do you get your nights out with friends?

I'm meeting up with some friends on Sunday afternoon (for only the second time since DD was born, due to the lockdown) and DH is going to look after DS but he wouldn't take DD too, so she's coming with me.

Where is he going? Two hours for DC bedtime - sort that out ASAP!

Quite. Are you Tier 1? I’m with you generally although you don’t know it’s going to be a regular thing. On this occasion couldn’t he go after the children are settled ?

We're tier 2 and he's meeting them outdoors

YANBU, he's a parent and for at least a little while it's tough shit!

I don't think two nights a week is massively excessive but I can see why you are annoyed when you are doing all the child rearing
Two hours to get a toddler to bed though? I would recommend looking on the millpond clinic website if you haven't already for some support with sleep

Surely if he gets 2 kid free nights out in 3 days, you can have a few hours kid free at the weekend - why does he get to decide is isn't taking both kids when he expects you to whilst he's socialising??

YABU. You’re going out with your friends so why can’t he? Everyone needs down time now and then doesn’t hurt for a few hours. (work doesn’t count)

@Cheeseboardandmincepies but she's having to take the baby with her - I doubt he's taking either kid with him...

I'm meeting up with some friends on Sunday afternoon (for only the second time since DD was born, due to the lockdown) and DH is going to look after DS but he wouldn't take DD too, so she's coming with me.

Why can’t he look after both of his kids at the same time when he expects you to?

I don't agree with 2 nights out, how old is he? 15? One night might just be OK if you get the same time (including bed time) OR if he goes out when your eldest is asleep. I'm wondering what he's doing outdoors with his mates. Time for him to grow up and accept his parental duties

@SquashSoup

We're tier 2 and he's meeting them outdoors

It’s bloody December and freezing what on earth is he actually doing, sitting in a park with his mates?

He plays football on Wednesdays and wants to go to a beer garden tomorrow

Personally my DP goes out to see fam/ friends in the evenings and it doesn’t bother me. He will occasionally bring DD. I don’t see the point both of us being in staring at the TV then going to bed. I could also go out if I wanted to. Having kids doesn’t mean you don’t get a life. 2 nights out and 5 nights in doesn’t sound bad to me

@SquashSoup

He plays football on Wednesdays and wants to go to a beer garden tomorrow

I’d only say yes on the understanding he has both kids on Sunday for as long as you want to go out, that would be fair (and make it a regular thing to meet a friend every Sunday from now on)

Why is he refusing to take his daughter?

This business of does he take both kids is a bit unreasonable I think. If a dad is going to take a two month old for any amount of time, he needs to be able to feed her, and that means bottles.

I'm not saying that is necessary, I did't ever bother with them with my kids, but it does mean that for the first six months or so it was difficult to be away from baby for any significant amount of time.

If that's the decision then it's still ok for dad to be able to go out, even though mum can't, IMO. There is no point in telling him he has to be home all the time too, just to make it even.

But OP, I do think that if you are still struggling with bedtime as much as it seems, it's fine to tell him that for now, you find it really difficult alone and so you'd rather not have too many nights that way. It's only likely to be for a relatively short time in the baby's life anyway.

I do agree it would be worth trying to shave down the toddlers sleep routine.

He ‘wouldn’t take DD too’??

Next time suggest when he’s going out that you will not be able to manage DD too. So he will need to take one of them.

Also he’s not ‘helping’ out ‘to be fair’ to him.
He’s parenting his own children and looking after his own house.

Why does it take 2 hours to put DS to bed?

*refusing to keep her at home. Sorry.

@Leobynature

Personally my DP goes out to see fam/ friends in the evenings and it doesn’t bother me. He will occasionally bring DD. I don’t see the point both of us being in staring at the TV then going to bed. I could also go out if I wanted to. Having kids doesn’t mean you don’t get a life. 2 nights out and 5 nights in doesn’t sound bad to me

It wouldn’t bother me either. Not in the slightest.

But I don’t have a newborn and a toddler who’s EBF. And I have enough sympathy and empathy to remember exactly what it was like, so fully support the OP in needing a bit more hands-on support in the evenings right now.

I probably wouldn’t say he can’t go, but I sure as hell would be telling him how swanning off two night a week at bedtime is making you feel.