Page 3 | AIBU to tell DH he can't go out 2 evenings a week

SleepingStandingUp · 11/12/2020 01:54

@Leobynature

Personally my DP goes out to see fam/ friends in the evenings and it doesn’t bother me. He will occasionally bring DD. I don’t see the point both of us being in staring at the TV then going to bed. I could also go out if I wanted to. Having kids doesn’t mean you don’t get a life. 2 nights out and 5 nights in doesn’t sound bad to me

Are you spending two hours putting a toddler to bed whilst breast feeding a newborn?

Scarlettpixie · 11/12/2020 01:56

I would be ok with this as a one of but not as a regular thing, He may not want to repeat anyway after an evening of freezing his nits off in a beer garden in December!

2 hour bedtimes and not leaving a 2 mo ebf baby with Dad for any length of time are not unusual. I wouldn’t have left DS at that age in the evening because he was ebf.and that was how he got to sleep. Those saying your DH should take one of them to the beer garden are mad!

Let this one go, but if he does it again, you need to have a talk and say it isn’t on while the DC are so small. You can’t tell him he can’t go though. He is a grown up.

SleepingStandingUp · 11/12/2020 02:09

@forrestgreen

Ask him which child he's taking to the beer garden. Either you're both allowed out without them or not. Express milk and get bottles, feel free to leave him instructions but go out on your own.

I love it when people are like just express op.

JUST
Buy a pump
Bottles
Steralising equipment
Try to fit on pumping around feeding a baby possibly every 2-3 hours and a toddler plus cleaning all the equipment.
Convince baby to take bottle and do this long enough that you're happy she'll take a bottle off Dad
Potentially take pump with you in case you need to pump as well

Just to prove a point to DP instead of a grown up conversation.

timeisnotaline · 11/12/2020 02:21

I was too tired to go out when the dc were that little but I truly regret not booking equivalent nights, where I go for an evening walk then get to shut myself in a room or bath with a tea or glass of wine and read/sew/watch, and I will breastfeed the baby once in the first two hours apart from that don’t call me out unless the house is on fire. Doing it on your own is exhausting.

user1487194234 · 11/12/2020 02:26

I think YABU
Going out once a week is fine IMO and has he said the other night is going to be every week
My DH played a sport once a week and usually went out for a few pints another night
I thought that was healthy and I normally went out myself a fair bit
It's a marriage not house arrest
But of course if you are unhappy with this then that's different
But for everyone's sake including your child you and your DH should sort out the bedtime routine

Circumlocutious · 11/12/2020 02:35

@SleepingStandingUp

I agree that expressing isn’t at all straightforward as some make out. But neither is leaving an EBF two month old with someone else for an extended amount of time. OP simply hasn’t given us enough information to decide if her DH is being dickish.

She said he ‘wouldn’t take’ the baby while she went out. If she is left with bottles and can take milk, he is being very unreasonable. If she doesn’t, then I think his objection is understandable. Leaving an EBF baby that young with someone and giving them no mechanism to feed makes no sense, especially since OP mentions that her daughter is cluster feeding. It could just mean endless screaming.

SleepingStandingUp · 11/12/2020 02:35

My DH played a sport once a week and usually went out for a few pints another night
I thought that was healthy and I normally went out myself a fair bit
Whilst you had a 2 month old and a nearly 2 year old?

Yeahnahmum · 11/12/2020 02:40

On a more grown up level: why does he put your kid to bed all the time? No wonder he wants to run away if that takes 2 bloody hours every time. Why dont you swap? You deal with tabtrumming kid and he deals with cleaning up??
Heck i hate cleaning but still prefer it over 2 bloody hours trying to get a kid to sleep 😅

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/12/2020 02:42

Why dont you swap?

Because she's also cluster feeding and he doesn't possess breasts? Just a guess.

MotherOfDragons27 · 11/12/2020 02:42

@Yeahnahmum

On a more grown up level: why does he put your kid to bed all the time? No wonder he wants to run away if that takes 2 bloody hours every time. Why dont you swap? You deal with tabtrumming kid and he deals with cleaning up?? Heck i hate cleaning but still prefer it over 2 bloody hours trying to get a kid to sleep 😅

Probably because the baby is cluster feeding and the father doesn't have tits.

SleepingStandingUp · 11/12/2020 02:42

@Yeahnahmum

On a more grown up level: why does he put your kid to bed all the time? No wonder he wants to run away if that takes 2 bloody hours every time. Why dont you swap? You deal with tabtrumming kid and he deals with cleaning up?? Heck i hate cleaning but still prefer it over 2 bloody hours trying to get a kid to sleep 😅

Because she's also feeding a baby, something he's incapable of doing, and which isn't conductive to potentially wrestling with a 2 to, constantly picking him up and putting him to bed, sitting quietly in the dark etc

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/12/2020 02:43

Great minds think alike.

ChestnutStuffing · 11/12/2020 02:45

[quote Circumlocutious]@SleepingStandingUp

I agree that expressing isn’t at all straightforward as some make out. But neither is leaving an EBF two month old with someone else for an extended amount of time. OP simply hasn’t given us enough information to decide if her DH is being dickish.

She said he ‘wouldn’t take’ the baby while she went out. If she is left with bottles and can take milk, he is being very unreasonable. If she doesn’t, then I think his objection is understandable. Leaving an EBF baby that young with someone and giving them no mechanism to feed makes no sense, especially since OP mentions that her daughter is cluster feeding. It could just mean endless screaming.[/quote]
Yeah, I'm starting to wonder if most poeple responding have never actually had an entirely breast fed baby.

Eight weeks is very small, you can't leave them for long at that age without a means to feed them. In an emergency obviously you'd make do, but it can take a little while for a baby to become comfortable with a bottle.

If the OP wants to do that, they should get started on it, or maybe they just want to wait for the three month mark which some do.

But it's really not the husband being a dick to be unwilling to be left with a baby and no way to feed it, or even a baby who had never tried a bottle before for more than a short time.

WhereYouLeftIt · 11/12/2020 02:47

"However DH has now announced he's going out with the same lads again tomorrow night & I'm worried this could become a regular addition."

I would 'just announce' that I'm happy for him to meet his mates AFTER he has put his son to bed. I'm sure the beer garden will still be there.

And you need to TALK - raise whether this is a one-off or not with him; it's a reasonable subject for discussion.

You also need to point out that right now, with a 2 months old clusterfeeding baby, now is the time when he needs to be prioritising caring for his children alongside you. Don't EVER use the word 'help' when you talk to him about this. He will not be 'helping' - he will be doing his share of parenting. He will be fulfilling his responsibilities.

As DD gets older, then BOTH of you will be able to have more of a social life, but right now he needs to be a father first, a husband second and a pub-mate third.

SleepingStandingUp · 11/12/2020 02:52

Leaving an EBF baby that young with someone and giving them no mechanism to feed makes no sense I agree, I'm not suggesting op leaves baby. I'm frustrated by propels whose response to end is to just stop doing it and pump as though that's somehow easy to just do.

SleepingStandingUp · 11/12/2020 02:52

Whose response to ebf

IdblowJonSnow · 11/12/2020 02:54

I think 2 nights a week during this phase of your lives and during a pandemic is unreasonable.
Suggest he goes out after the kids are settled, especially as he won't take both of them.
Also he's not 'helping', he's a parent too right?

Starlightstarbright1 · 11/12/2020 03:03

It is Christmas, I don't see the ussue . Op can't go far without the baby .

What time does toddler go to bed. Surely he can do something useful before he goes, wash the dishes bath the toddler

Two hours does sound excessive but depends what you are factoring in. Bath , story shouldn't take more than an hour.

toria658 · 11/12/2020 03:05

He doesn’t ‘help’ he involved himself in tasks for which he is jointly responsible and is not doing you a favour.

I think that it would reasonably take both of you to look after the bedtime routine for both children, especially while you are cluster feeding etc... IMO a big talk about responsibilities, the needs of your children and his 50% share of the work when he is home from outside work is in order.

A beer garden is insignificant when you are toddler wrangling, breastfeeding keeping the home and life together and he’s already having one night a week child free.

Circumlocutious · 11/12/2020 03:15

@SleepingStandingUp

Leaving an EBF baby that young with someone and giving them no mechanism to feed makes no sense I agree, I'm not suggesting op leaves baby. I'm frustrated by propels whose response to end is to just stop doing it and pump as though that's somehow easy to just do.

Yep we’re in agreement then. So much has to go smoothly for successful expressing - not all mothers can do it, and not all babies will take expressed milk, for starters.

@ChestnutStuffing

Time and time again on these threads, there’s a lot of misguided advice from posters who don’t fully get the realities of EBF. It is an entirely different beast. My daughter took an expressed bottle until she was about 4 weeks old. I stopped expressing for 2 weeks due to oversupply, and then that was it - complete bottle refusal from then on. It’s completely gruelling on the mother until weaning starts but it’s not necessarily anyone’s ‘fault’.

I think the wider issue is, if both parents can’t have equal leisure time due to the EBF constraints, should the dad have more by default? (Inclined to say no due to there being the 22 month old to sort out).

DeeCeeCherry · 11/12/2020 03:29

Yet another feckless bloke, trying to get out of responsibility and allowing the woman to do the hard shit

What green said.

Reading comments from those posters who think it's cool for him to go out is like reading a 1950s version of Womans Own.

Just today a male colleague was talking about keeping fit, he walks home from work. I said that's good, inspiring, I fancy trying that myself. He then casually said "+ it means I get home once all the faff is over & the kids are tired (he has 2) I can't be asked with the bustle at home, I kiss them goodnight and relax. His wife also works part-time.

I finished at 5pm today, he was still there. He regularly stays till 6.30 - there is NO need to do overtime it's not that kind of job.

Whether it's nights out with mates or selfishly acting as if he's single when he's NOT, or avoiding the kids in other ways - It's shit that these selfish men can't sit their arse down and co-parent properly, yet too often they're given a pass by patriarchy supporters. Nights out once a week, fine. Another night out - Why? He has a wife and young DCs. When the DCs are older, have 2nd nights out then it won't kill him to wait will it?

Have a word with him OP but when they're like this I reckon it really is hard to get them to listen.

Hawkins001 · 11/12/2020 03:46

You need a balance between the two of you

RettyPriddle · 11/12/2020 03:51

@disneybee

Ignore all the twattish posters adding to your stress by saying a 2 hour bedtime is a problem. Have they ever had a toddler and a baby at the same time??! You are doing a grand job OP, any kind of usual routine at bedtime when you have a 22 month old and 2 month old means you are winning at life 💪

Also if you manage to have a mature conversation with your DH about your irritation that he is leaving you alone to cope with bedtime an extra night this week, without hormonally raging at him in a sleep-deprived stupor, then you are also winning at life! Good luck OP!

(Also - it DOES get easier eventually, I have a similar age gap between my two monkeys!)

Love this 👆 So true! It’s chaos when they’re young and you’ve had them close together. All hands are needed on deck.

ChestnutStuffing · 11/12/2020 03:57

I think the wider issue is, if both parents can’t have equal leisure time due to the EBF constraints, should the dad have more by default? (Inclined to say no due to there being the 22 month old to sort out).

That's the real issue - the fact that it really is very difficult to do toddler bedtime with a small baby, at this point it really is a two person job.

The fact that mum is taking baby on her outing on Sunday - that's just the reality of EBF at that stage. There is zero sense in saying that means the father can also never be apart from both kids at any time, just to make it "fair". It doesn't change anything for the mum.

Coyoacan · 11/12/2020 03:57

he does help with DS

He is the father. Do you help with DS and DD?