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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to tell DH he can't go out 2 evenings a week

238 replies

SquashSoup · 10/12/2020 23:38

I need some unbiased opinions on this please. Happy to accept I'm being UR if needed.

We have a 22 month old DS and a 2 month old DD. Putting DS to bed is currently a bit of nightmare and easily takes 2 hours. DH usually does this while I clean the kitchen and tidy away all the toys, I'm also often cluster-feeding DD at this time, she's EBF.

On Wednesday evenings DH goes out with some friends, leaving me to do everything myself. Its really stressful and difficult trying to get DS to sleep while also breastfeeding the baby, but I don't begrudge him a few hours with his mates once a week.

However DH has now announced he's going out with the same lads again tomorrow night & I'm worried this could become a regular addition.

AIBU to tell him that he can't go out with his mates 2 evenings in one week while we have 2 such young children?

Just to be fair, he does help with DS when he's not working, including getting up with him in the mornings so I can catch up on some of the sleep I lose doing the night-wakings.

However in general I do 100% of the childcare for DD, the vast majority of the childcare for DS (he's not in nursery or anything), & the vast majority of household chores, life admin, etc. I get no child-free time at all.

OP posts:
KarlKennedysDurianFruit · 11/12/2020 00:11

I'd ask him when he became such a selfish prick.
For those saying 2 hours to get to bed, DS's bath, milk, teeth, pyjamas, stories, tucking him in, listening to him babble nonsense about the day I just witnessed (went on a boat mummy -erm no we didn't I was there) etc takes about an hour, and that's when he's playing ball and I'm not trying to cluster feed an eight week old at the same time...

PyongyangKipperbang · 11/12/2020 00:13

Ask him which of the kids he will be taking with him to footie

Jenifirtree · 11/12/2020 00:18

You have bigger issues. He is such a poor father, he cannot manage both children at once. Wtf is that about/

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 11/12/2020 00:18

Um... what do you mean he wont take his daughter too? Why would you have even asked that?

You get yourself ready and then you say "that's me off. See you all when I get back" and you leave both kids.

Really OP. What is going on?

MerchantOfVenom · 11/12/2020 00:20

Anyone struggling to understand a two-hour bedtime can’t have parented a toddler and an EBF newborn at the same time.

Two hours is easily within the realms of normal.

AcornAutumn · 11/12/2020 00:20

@WhereverIGoddamnLike

Um... what do you mean he wont take his daughter too? Why would you have even asked that?

You get yourself ready and then you say "that's me off. See you all when I get back" and you leave both kids.

Really OP. What is going on?

This
Baileysoncereal · 11/12/2020 00:24

@MerchantOfVenom but I thought she was saying the two hours are DH putting the baby to bed

Whilst OP cleans the whole house, cares for and cluster feeds 2 month old and I’m sure a million other jobs

Emeraldshamrock · 11/12/2020 00:28

It is tough with very young DC.
If the 2nd night out isn't usual I'd be okay with it as long as he isn't hung over & you get some relaxing time too.
I wouldn't do it every week.
Having a break is easier said than done. Smile

ChestnutStuffing · 11/12/2020 00:29

I'm still trying to understand how it is people think the husband should be left for several hours with an 8 week old breast fed infant?

That sounds like a great way to ensure that he and the baby have a disastrous time.

ChestnutStuffing · 11/12/2020 00:31

But really, OP - it doesn't have to be a big deal - just say that while things are so intense, you'd rather not make second nights out a regular thing.

ThePants999 · 11/12/2020 00:32

Two evenings a week of having fun out with mates, leaving you handling all the childcare, is absolutely fine... as long as he's arranging to give you just as much child-free time as he's getting himself!

saraclara · 11/12/2020 00:32

@MerchantOfVenom

Anyone struggling to understand a two-hour bedtime can’t have parented a toddler and an EBF newborn at the same time.

Two hours is easily within the realms of normal.

2 hours to put a 22 month old to bed is absolutely not normal. OP specifically mentioned that it is that one child who needs a two hour routine to go to bed.

That's more of a problem than a partner who (for the first time) has planned to go out twice in a week.

BetsyBigNose · 11/12/2020 00:38

I wouldn't tell him "You can't"; he's a grown up and he can do as he pleases, but I would tell him you'd rather he didn't and explain that you need the extra pair of hands - perhaps he could go out once your toddler is down for the night?

BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze · 11/12/2020 00:44

If it’s just this week, I would think it’s fine. If it was every week, and you’re not ok with it, then he should understand that for quite a short time whilst the children are so young and while your eldest is difficult at bedtime, it’s not really possible. He has to just accept that having children does restrict some things, more so if your children are quite close together in age.

Just to be fair, he does help with DS when he's not working,

I think this may be part of the problem. You can’t ‘help’ look after your own child. You just look after them because you’re their parent. I know a man who did he couldn’t go out one evening because he was babysitting. He was looking after his own bloody children whilst his wife did a night shift as a nurse !

disneybee · 11/12/2020 00:45

Ignore all the twattish posters adding to your stress by saying a 2 hour bedtime is a problem. Have they ever had a toddler and a baby at the same time??! You are doing a grand job OP, any kind of usual routine at bedtime when you have a 22 month old and 2 month old means you are winning at life 💪

Also if you manage to have a mature conversation with your DH about your irritation that he is leaving you alone to cope with bedtime an extra night this week, without hormonally raging at him in a sleep-deprived stupor, then you are also winning at life! Good luck OP!

(Also - it DOES get easier eventually, I have a similar age gap between my two monkeys!) Flowers

FestiveChristmasLights · 11/12/2020 00:50

I really think the main thing you need to focus on is the two hour bedtime for your DS. You might view how often he goes out and how much child-free time you have differently then.

BackforGood · 11/12/2020 00:55

I'm presuming he can't have the dd too, as she is currently being breastfed and he doesn't have the equipment ???

However, to answer the OP, I don't think YABU if he is wanting to make this a regular thing. It is hard when you have 2 little ones and one is wanting feeding. It is good that he can go to his football training, but I think - unless he can meet his friends at lunchtime at the weekend or something, or unless this is a one off, special occasion, then he's pushing it to want to miss the early evening shift twice in a week.
In normal times, I'd suggest the compromise would be to meet up after the older one is asleep, but we're not in those times at the moment, so he has to suck it up, like you are doing, whilst you are breast feeding. When things settle down a bit, you can talk again about each having one night off a week and take if from there.

AnnnaBananna · 11/12/2020 01:00

You need to put your foot down. Child free time has to be equal. If he has one night off per week then you get one night off as well. He’ll soon get over the idea of going out twice a week when he realises it means he has to take the kids on his own two nights a week.

forrestgreen · 11/12/2020 01:08

Ask him which child he's taking to the beer garden. Either you're both allowed out without them or not.
Express milk and get bottles, feel free to leave him instructions but go out on your own.

CJsGoldfish · 11/12/2020 01:12

Yes YABU.

You should both be able to go out without being told you can't. That means if you want both children to stay with him, you make sure that happens.

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/12/2020 01:21

Sauce for the goose. You won't have to do two nights a week of your own with him covering home for very long before he decides to not be such a selfish dick.

Frankly I'd go and sit in the car with a duvet, flask and book two nights a week until he sees sense.

Yeahnahmum · 11/12/2020 01:30

He wont listen
Just repay him with the same kindness and duck out twice aweek as well 😊

5zeds · 11/12/2020 01:38

However in general I do 100% of the childcare for DD, the vast majority of the childcare for DS (he's not in nursery or anything), & the vast majority of household chores, life admin, etc. I get no child-free time at all.

Why?

Reorganise.

grassisjeweled · 11/12/2020 01:48

So he's happy to let you struggle for 2 nights a week?

Because let's face it, he knows that evenings are like at the moment. A struggle.

Yet another feckless bloke, trying to get out of responsibility and allowing the woman to do the hard shit. He hasn't told you to go out one night a week yourself then?

Thought not

grassisjeweled · 11/12/2020 01:48

Who would want to sit in a beer garden, in December, in the evening anyway? Is he mad?

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