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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to tell DH he can't go out 2 evenings a week

238 replies

SquashSoup · 10/12/2020 23:38

I need some unbiased opinions on this please. Happy to accept I'm being UR if needed.

We have a 22 month old DS and a 2 month old DD. Putting DS to bed is currently a bit of nightmare and easily takes 2 hours. DH usually does this while I clean the kitchen and tidy away all the toys, I'm also often cluster-feeding DD at this time, she's EBF.

On Wednesday evenings DH goes out with some friends, leaving me to do everything myself. Its really stressful and difficult trying to get DS to sleep while also breastfeeding the baby, but I don't begrudge him a few hours with his mates once a week.

However DH has now announced he's going out with the same lads again tomorrow night & I'm worried this could become a regular addition.

AIBU to tell him that he can't go out with his mates 2 evenings in one week while we have 2 such young children?

Just to be fair, he does help with DS when he's not working, including getting up with him in the mornings so I can catch up on some of the sleep I lose doing the night-wakings.

However in general I do 100% of the childcare for DD, the vast majority of the childcare for DS (he's not in nursery or anything), & the vast majority of household chores, life admin, etc. I get no child-free time at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
SquashSoup · 11/12/2020 03:57

@Notimeforaname

Why is he refusing to take his daughter?
His main objection to taking DD on Sunday is that I'd be too far away (an hour's journey time) if DD was having a meltdown. He also says that babies need their mothers.

I do get where he's coming from, she probably would be upset being left with him as she's used to being with me all the time. He once looked after DS by himself at a similar age and DS screamed the whole time. I understand that it must be difficult to settle them without being able to provide the comfort of breastfeeding.

But I think she would be fine with expressed milk in bottles as she's taken it before (she wasn't putting on weight quickly enough after birth and I was advised to top-up her feeds that way for few days).

OP posts:
Original poster
SquashSoup · 11/12/2020 04:00

@FestiveChristmasLights

I really think the main thing you need to focus on is the two hour bedtime for your DS. You might view how often he goes out and how much child-free time you have differently then.
I absolutely agree and I keep telling DH this
OP posts:
Original poster
SquashSoup · 11/12/2020 04:05

I would 'just announce' that I'm happy for him to meet his mates AFTER he has put his son to bed. I'm sure the beer garden will still be there.

I said this but apparently he has to go earlier so that he can order his "substantial meal"

OP posts:
Liverbird77 · 11/12/2020 04:06

I would be fuming!
Our kids are 23 months and four months and it is an exhausting, busy time. It's all hands on deck!

WhereYouLeftIt · 11/12/2020 04:09

@SquashSoup

I would 'just announce' that I'm happy for him to meet his mates AFTER he has put his son to bed. I'm sure the beer garden will still be there.

I said this but apparently he has to go earlier so that he can order his "substantial meal"

I'm sure his buddies can order for him and have it waiting for him. What's a cold substantial meal in comparison to the joys of fatherhood?

Your husband is trying it on and I would not be happy about that at all.

Original poster
SquashSoup · 11/12/2020 04:24

@Coyoacan

he does help with DS

He is the father. Do you help with DS and DD?

Yeah I probably phrased this wrong. Tbf he is a good dad to DS and he is happy to look after him when he's not working.
OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 11/12/2020 04:30

I wouldn’t go an hour away from a bf baby at that age to be fair. But you do need to leave him with both to set a standard.

nzeire · 11/12/2020 04:31

I actually think it’s really important during these challenging years to keep a sense of self. 2 nights out sound perfectly reasonable to me, one sport, one social. Sailing once a week kept my husband sane, and once a week seeing friends, together or separately was important for us too.
I remember once in the early days, husband saying to me, it feels like I walk in the door and you turn off. I had just had enough. Well, he’d done an 8 hour day, 2 one hour commutes, the night nappy etc etc... he was tired too, in a different way
We all need a break, a change of scene. Work on making it happen for yourself too. I understand about the breastfeeding, once that has eased up, be sure you get yours!

Uponmytiptoes · 11/12/2020 04:42

"Just to be fair, he does help with DS when he's not working"

I think this is the problem. You both believe that he's 'helping' when he's looking after his own kids. He's their Dad. Looking after them is not helping, it's being a parent just like when you look after them. He's not doing you a favour.
Once you get over the idea that it's you that should be doing all the childcare and he only does it to help you (to get extra sleep after breastfeeding all night and for 2 hours in the evening so you can clean and look after your DD).
He doesn't deserve downtime or time out any more than you. I know it's more difficult for you because you're breastfeeding but it's a demanding time for both of you with two young children. It's not just you that should make sacrifices, both of you should. This should not just be the mothers burden anymore.

Remaker · 11/12/2020 04:44

My two kids are 17 months apart and I remember the difficulty of managing bedtimes alone. But tbh I think your main problem is your DS’s bedtime routine. Two hours isn’t sustainable. If you can get him going to bed more easily it won’t be so stressful when your DH goes out, and you’ll get some child-free time in the evenings. These days my kids are teenagers and I nearly push DH out the door so I can watch what I want on Netflix.

2me2u2u2me · 11/12/2020 04:46

The only way you’re going to make him realise that he’s being unreasonable having two night out a week is by making him have both children when you go out, he will then understand how difficult it is.

Why’s it one rule for him and another for you, I’d definitely not be taking one of the children out with me, you deserve kiddie free time too !

CrotchBurn · 11/12/2020 05:03

"He also says that babies need their mothers."

That's handy isnt it?

Hes a skiver

ivfbeenbusy · 11/12/2020 05:09

Imagine if the roles were reversed and it was OP that was being told she couldn't meet her friends.....he'd be accused of being a controlling abuser

YABU. Presumably you are not working at the moment so yes the bulk of the household chores would fall to you

He's only said it one additional night just this once. Jesus give him chance this may just be a one off

Crustmasiscoming · 11/12/2020 05:11

It's fine, as long as you get to go out 2 nights a week as well.

Sounds like your DH wouldn't be happy with that, since he's refused to have both of his children for just a few hours on a Sunday afternoon. That's grossly unfair and I'm not surprised you're worried about this second night out. It sounds like he sees parenting as your job, which he very kindly will help you with, when it suits him.

Crustmasiscoming · 11/12/2020 05:12

Imagine if the roles were reversed and it was OP that was being told she couldn't meet her friends.....he'd be accused of being a controlling abuser

Did you miss the part where OP said that he wouldn't even take his two kids for a few hours on a Sunday afternoon so that she could go out? She gets no childfree time at all.

jessstan1 · 11/12/2020 05:35

He should not be leaving you alone with two babies, one of whom is still breastfeeding. That's selfish. There will time for you both to go out with friends later on but right now, the two of you need to pull together.

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/12/2020 05:49

@SquashSoup

I would 'just announce' that I'm happy for him to meet his mates AFTER he has put his son to bed. I'm sure the beer garden will still be there.

I said this but apparently he has to go earlier so that he can order his "substantial meal"

I thought these rules only applied for inside dining. Maybe I’m wrong. Anyway his mates can get him a cold starter or scotch egg if this really is an issue. They should be ok with this and he should be supporting you. You have too much on your plate right now for him to go out twice a week.
MinnieMountain · 11/12/2020 06:06

He needs to learn how to comfort his DC.
My DS spent a lot of time being carried by DH in a sling at that age.

custardbear · 11/12/2020 06:14

Yes sure darling, after you've settled off DCto sleep

Job done

Two other things, he needs to msn up with the kids, and you both need to straighten up the sleeping problem - speak to someone at health centre for guidance

user1487194234 · 11/12/2020 06:15

My DH played a sport once a week and usually went out for a few pints another night
I thought that was healthy and I normally went out myself a fair bit
Whilst you had a 2 month old and a nearly 2 year old?

We had 3 under 4 at one point

Graphista · 11/12/2020 06:16

but he wouldn't take DD too

Wouldn't or couldn't?

Wouldn't is a problem I would not be happy with that. But if it's couldn't due to the bf and she won't/can't yet take a bottle that's different

Right so it's definitely wouldn't - not good enough!

Add to that the fact he's seemingly deliberately timing his absence for the "witching hours" I think he's piss taking and would not be happy!

When he's minding ds is he also doing all the things you do when with the kids? Chores etc?

Sickened by the amount of men in the generations below mine that are happy to reproduce but do sod all parenting!

The ONLY way he will learn to comfort his newborn and manage his older child at bedtime is if he gets a lot of practice - just like you had to learn op so does he!

rwalker · 11/12/2020 06:21

TBH as a male I wouldn't take an 8 week old out you can't feed it not fair on baby .

pictish · 11/12/2020 06:25

Look...Mumsnet is generally against men having friends, hobbies, social stuff and a close relationship with their family, outside of their ‘little family’.
Of course there’s nothing wrong with him playing football once a week and occasionally going out for social time with his mates too. It’s normal...he isn’t doing anything rude, outlandish or selfish...except on Mumsnet. This is a bad place to ask for advice on this issue unless you simply want to be told he’s a piece of crap for doing perfectly normal things.
Once you are no longer breastfeeding you can go go out and socialise occasionally with your friends too. It’s tough while you have that bind going on but it doesn’t last forever.

TorchesTorches · 11/12/2020 06:25

I have a similar age gap and it nearly broke me.

I had no child free time for nearly 1.5 years till the youngest joined the oldest at kindergarten for a few hours a week.

If I could go back in time, I would have had both in a nursery at least 1 day a week. 2 better. I survived in 5 minute chunks and it fried my brain. Dh would leave a 830 and arrive back at 730 and I did everything.

Cherrytreepuddle · 11/12/2020 06:28

If I've read it right though the baby doesn't regularly take a bottle, so unless you introduce that he's not going to be able to take the baby for any long spells.
I think sport once a week is reasonable, and presumably the extra night out is Christmas celebration of sorts.
The bed time is the issue, if you sort that out life will be much more manageable.
I've been with 2 young dc and a partner who often travels with business, you need to streamline the evenings so they are manageable.
If you want the same time to yourself that's grand, you'll need to get the baby to take a bottle.
There are often threads like this where one parent wants every non working moment to be "family time" and the other parent needs a break for their sanity... In my house it was me who regularly needed to escape for a run or suchlike to keep my sanity, it's absolutely suffocating to never be away from the children IMO.

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