AIBU to tell DH he can't go out 2 evenings a week

[SquashSoup]

I need some unbiased opinions on this please. Happy to accept I'm being UR if needed.

We have a 22 month old DS and a 2 month old DD. Putting DS to bed is currently a bit of nightmare and easily takes 2 hours. DH usually does this while I clean the kitchen and tidy away all the toys, I'm also often cluster-feeding DD at this time, she's EBF.

On Wednesday evenings DH goes out with some friends, leaving me to do everything myself. Its really stressful and difficult trying to get DS to sleep while also breastfeeding the baby, but I don't begrudge him a few hours with his mates once a week.

However DH has now announced he's going out with the same lads again tomorrow night & I'm worried this could become a regular addition.

AIBU to tell him that he can't go out with his mates 2 evenings in one week while we have 2 such young children?

Just to be fair, he does help with DS when he's not working, including getting up with him in the mornings so I can catch up on some of the sleep I lose doing the night-wakings.

However in general I do 100% of the childcare for DD, the vast majority of the childcare for DS (he's not in nursery or anything), & the vast majority of household chores, life admin, etc. I get no child-free time at all.

Have you heard of a frikkin pandemic?! Where’s he going exactly????

Some DC are hard to get to sleep. Do get some advice though. Our DD was a nightmare around that age and continued to be so. This year (age 7) she was diagnosed with ADHD and prescribed melatonin. It's been a life-changer! Down from 2 hours plus and a lot of crying and fighting to a peaceful hour. We probably would have sought help sooner if it hadn't been for how judgemental people are about DC sleep (it's very evident on this thread).

However, I agree with PP who've said why can't he go out after the older one's asleep? If it's not a timed activity, it does look like avoidance.

And we did absolutely everything! Everything!!

Sometimes I feel like like I'm living on another planet. If the baby is BF the mum can't really leave her for any length of time. Nights out don't always have to be equal - some people prefer to stay in or arent fussed about going out much - demanding that OP gets exactly the same amount of time out of the house isn't necessarily what she wants. My eldest was a nightmare to get to bed too so I totally understand the 2 hour thing but we coped and gasp I often looked after both kids alone while DP was working late or playing football or having a night out. It really wasn't a major problem. And while we may be in a pandemic it's still possible to enjoy life and meet with friends. Honestly some people on MN are just desperate for everyone to be as miserable as they are.

In answer to your question OP; YANBU to explain to DP why you don't want the second night out to be a regular occurrence at the moment and the reasons why. You would be unreasonable to tell him he can't go out as he is an adult and you don't control him. I expect he would be happy to help you more if you communicate this to him.

YANBU. You should both have child free time equally.

@Vinomummyinlockdown

Have you heard of a frikkin pandemic?! Where’s he going exactly????

If you'd read the thread, or even the OP's posts, you'd know.

Let him go but dont tidy house you just didnt get time. He can help next day

It's not like it's 2 nights every week it sounds like more of a one off. And it sounds like if you could be separated from the baby he wouldn't begrudge you. Unfortunately when you're breastfeeding that's just the way it is.

Not a problem if a one-off, but regular break from childcare is something you both need, so discuss.

You need to have a discussion with him about why he thinks he is more important than you. He is entitled to child free time twice a week and you're not entitled to any at all.

I've said it before. Resentment is a relationship killer

The pandemic issue has been answered and is not what this thread is about. I do wish pps would read the thread or at least the ops posts which mn has now handily easy.

@Vinomummyinlockdown

Have you heard of a frikkin pandemic?! Where’s he going exactly????

To lick strangers in the pub, obviously. You are aware that not everyone is in T3 right

Tell him yes if he has two nights out you have two nights out without both children. Start as you mean to go on or he’ll take the pi**. He could also be risking bringing covid home. Selfish is the word I’d use to describe him.