AIBU to tell DH he can't go out 2 evenings a week

[SquashSoup]

I need some unbiased opinions on this please. Happy to accept I'm being UR if needed.

We have a 22 month old DS and a 2 month old DD. Putting DS to bed is currently a bit of nightmare and easily takes 2 hours. DH usually does this while I clean the kitchen and tidy away all the toys, I'm also often cluster-feeding DD at this time, she's EBF.

On Wednesday evenings DH goes out with some friends, leaving me to do everything myself. Its really stressful and difficult trying to get DS to sleep while also breastfeeding the baby, but I don't begrudge him a few hours with his mates once a week.

However DH has now announced he's going out with the same lads again tomorrow night & I'm worried this could become a regular addition.

AIBU to tell him that he can't go out with his mates 2 evenings in one week while we have 2 such young children?

Just to be fair, he does help with DS when he's not working, including getting up with him in the mornings so I can catch up on some of the sleep I lose doing the night-wakings.

However in general I do 100% of the childcare for DD, the vast majority of the childcare for DS (he's not in nursery or anything), & the vast majority of household chores, life admin, etc. I get no child-free time at all.

Him not taking both children so you can have some free time is an issue. I would insist. The dynamic of a meet up with friends is completely altered when one brings a 2month old baby

I think they need to start that gently. This baby is ebf and only eight weeks old. It’s very easy to say just leave, often the reality is very different and the baby could be very distressed. Tryi g to deal with that and a toddler would be incredibly difficult. They need to start getting the baby used to the mother being away for increasingly longer periods,

As thr pp said, the wed thing the op has agreed to, and an extra night for crimbo is not unreasonable, however expecting any father to take an ebf baby and a toddler could be. The op thinks she’d be ok, but she should try it with her upstairs or something and leave him to it, to see it it is ok,.

Maybe you'd feel differently if he went out after the kids were in bed?

I dont think its unreasonable to expect him to help with bedtime when you have two, and the second is likely to be cluster feeding. I do think its unreasonable for him to go out and leave you to do everything of an evening.

His main objection to taking DD on Sunday is that I'd be too far away (an hour's journey time) if DD was having a meltdown. He also says that babies need their mothers.

Oh FFS. You have bigger problems than Friday, he's clearly incapable of looking after his own child.

I do get where he's coming from, she probably would be upset being left with him as she's used to being with me all the time.

The solution to which is to have her spend more time with him, no? So leave her with him.

I'm meeting up with some friends on Sunday afternoon (for only the second time since DD was born, due to the lockdown) and DH is going to look after DS but he wouldn't take DD too, so she's coming with me

Express and then leave him with both of them, tell him it's a regular thing and you'll be doing it weekly

babies need their mothers

No they don't, the need a parent, he's a parent and therefor can deal with any meltdowns

Stop being so accommodating. They are his dc, not his to pick and choose when he parents them and he's not bloody 'helping' they are his responsibility

At this point I'd let him crack on this week as a one off, but I wouldn't have it being a regular thing. If he wants to see his mates he arranges it when it's convenient to you all.

The same as he lets you crack on with your friends and he looks after BOTH dc.

your problem is the two hour ritual of putting ds to bed - not one of you wanting to go out

Get dh to sort putting ds to bed in a timely manner- do it between you and work on it so that bedtimes are much easier

I’m absolutely fascinated at the number of posters who have suggested to the OP that she should sort out the toddlers bedtime routine. If her dh is putting the toddler to bed, then it’s up to him to assess the problem and sort it out. (2 hours, from memory doesn’t seem unusual and I don’t agree that it’s actually a problem but I’m at the attitude that it’s somehow mum’s job to figure out what he’s doing wrong)

Yes, thank you. DS's sleep has got consistently worse since DH took over his bedtime (late in my pregnancy)

Him going out isn't the problem really.

The problem is you don't get regular child free time. You need to arrange someone that you do twice a week and leave him to deal with the kids. Doing this saved my marriage.

I think football plus beer garden is acceptable if not every week.

Thanks for all the responses. I think I'm going to suggest that in return for him going out tonight I'd like him to research some strategies for improving DS's sleep and create an action plan, & also that moving forward he needs to practice looking after DD, so that the next time I want to meet up with my friends he can take them both.

If it's getting the children to bed that's the troublesome time, could you compromise that DH meets his friends (on the beer garden night) after the children are in bed? That might also have the positive effect of shortening the time it takes as DH will be keen to get out :)

I think that's a fair deal. But I would make sure it doesn't turn into 2 nights a week and that you get the same time off. Even if that's just going to get a Starbucks drive through coffee and cake and read a book in your car. While he has both his children.

OP, with kindness, it sounds like you need to get seriously assertive on this man. Don't let him rule the roost and walk all over you. You're supposed to be a partnership.

I think the issue here is that he doesn’t watch both kids at the weekend on his own to give you some down time. Sort that out and then he can go 2 of his weekdays.
I generally find that men find it harder to give up the freedom whilst women have more of the mums instinct which help them tolerate better. No need to make your husband feel miserable but only if he can step up at weekends.

If you tell him he "can't" he'll probably resent you for it - you're his partner not his parent. Have a conversation with him and explain how difficult you find it, if he doesn't see you're struggling and need him then he is not being very supportive of his family. Relationships should be equal so if he is getting breaks then there should also be times when you can have a break.

To be fair he hasn't said its a going to be a regular thing , so one night playing football ( exercise ) And mentioned going to pub this week , of its a one off wouldn't have an issue
Can your dd take a bottle so she can be left with dh or even that you get time to watch a movie indoors have a relaxing bath etc whilst he has both say just after your daughters fed

OP,
Don't accept this or you have an even tougher time ahead of you.

He sounds both selfish and lazy.
Before a decent man would skip out the door leaving his partner to juggle two young children on her own...all to go for a pint.🙄

"I think I'm going to suggest that in return for him going out tonight I'd like him to research some strategies for improving DS's sleep and create an action plan"

No. This isn't right at all. He doesn't need to do it "in return for". Imagine if the situation was reversed here.

You both get a say in how you deal with your child's bedtime routine. You do that together.

You've an 8 week old baby, if you don't feel you can handle both of them at once then you say so but it seems to be just tit for tat here. Don't fall into that routine of "payback" or it'll end badly

I’d say he needs to change the time of the second night out. He can go only once the kids in bed and you can chill out too. He can tell his mates he’s a new father and can they move the time till later.
Footy timing probably can’t be changed- but ask that anyway is there alternative later session he could go with? Or maybe suggest every other week until he has established a better bed time routine with older child- that’ll give him incentive to make it his responsibility to help your elder child’s routine improve rather than just going with the flow or expecting you to figure out how to improve it.

Does he accept that at the moment putting both children to bed is stressful and quite horrible for all three of you?

If he doesn't then he's a blind idiot.

If he does, then he should be embarrassed to ask you to do this for him.

It's only for a few months.

And yes do concentrate of getting your son's bedtime routine sorted.

Just let the poor guy go out!! He sounds like a decent bloke helps out with the little ones. It's I assume your decision to breast feed, which so anyone's choice but don't be such a martyr to your decisions, let the baby have a bottle of it matters to you to match time out so he can look after the baby.

Don't make battles where they don't exist, sort out the 2 hours drama with the toddler ask him to read up on ways to reduce this stress, ask him to research methods.

You don't mention who's working, are you back at work? Or having time out to be mum?

You aren't his manager or boss and he can do what he wants when he wants and so can you without a childish point scoring argument.

His main objection to taking DD on Sunday is that I'd be too far away (an hour's journey time) if DD was having a meltdown. He also says that babies need their mothers.
Given she's EBF he's not entirely wrong.
I understand that it must be difficult to settle them without being able to provide the comfort of breastfeeding.
But you expect him to take her anyway for several hours without getting her used to a bottle again and no Mommy so he can be punished for wanting to go out?

But I think she would be fine with expressed milk in bottles as she's taken it before a comparatively long time ago. Have you still got bottles in? Pump or formula? Can you at least try her for a feed a day so she's used to him feeding her out of a bottle?

There's nothing wrong with him taking her if he's able to care for her, but just saying oh I'm sure she'll be fine with a bottle, bye, seems rather cruel. If you're that angry with him you'd do better to tell him

@dhisreadingmypostsagain what about poor OP who is doing the majority of childcare all the time.

We as a society need to be so much better than this - it's not acceptable to allow women to still be cast into this role. It is not 1950 anymore, it does not make a man 'a decent bloke' for helping out with his kids ffs, it should be seen as normal.

Some of the responses on here are the reason the balance is still so skewed.

She's 2 months into may leave and ebf, generally speaking o think doing the majority of childcare at this point isn't wrong or oppressive. Do agree that she needs to reframe it from help to doing his job though.

I think he is being unreasonable. It's not that he is going out it's that he is doing it at the toughest time of the whole day. Dealing with a cluster feeding young baby and a toddler who is probably going through some new sibling related bedtime struggles is very stressful and feels never ending when you're going through it. It's not fair to leave you to two hours of what's essentially a two man job (and still a horrible one) by yourself, twice in one week. It will only be a two man job for a few months (hopefully) so he should just suck it up and accept that when you've got very young children your social life takes a hit. He could switch to lunch or go out before or after. And the same with his other outing in the week, why is he going out bang on bedtime? I'd suggest saying fine but he will be putting both kids to bed two nights while you pop out for dinner with a friend and leave some expressed milk. Because babies need to build a relationship with both care givers and that only happens with hands on care. If he doesn't agree then he isnt being fair at all expecting you to do something that he isnt prepared to do himself