AIBU to tell DH he can't go out 2 evenings a week

[SquashSoup]

I need some unbiased opinions on this please. Happy to accept I'm being UR if needed.

We have a 22 month old DS and a 2 month old DD. Putting DS to bed is currently a bit of nightmare and easily takes 2 hours. DH usually does this while I clean the kitchen and tidy away all the toys, I'm also often cluster-feeding DD at this time, she's EBF.

On Wednesday evenings DH goes out with some friends, leaving me to do everything myself. Its really stressful and difficult trying to get DS to sleep while also breastfeeding the baby, but I don't begrudge him a few hours with his mates once a week.

However DH has now announced he's going out with the same lads again tomorrow night & I'm worried this could become a regular addition.

AIBU to tell him that he can't go out with his mates 2 evenings in one week while we have 2 such young children?

Just to be fair, he does help with DS when he's not working, including getting up with him in the mornings so I can catch up on some of the sleep I lose doing the night-wakings.

However in general I do 100% of the childcare for DD, the vast majority of the childcare for DS (he's not in nursery or anything), & the vast majority of household chores, life admin, etc. I get no child-free time at all.

@Circumlocutious Yes, you need to practice giving an EBF a bottle. It's not something that comes naturally to them. Some never take to it at all.

he OP has already said her baby takes a bottle as she's expressed previously.

@BetsyBigNose

I wouldn't tell him "You can't"; he's a grown up and he can do as he pleases, but I would tell him you'd rather he didn't and explain that you need the extra pair of hands - perhaps he could go out once your toddler is down for the night?

Why are his hands the "extra" pair though

@firesong

She literally means it helpful to have 2 people put a child to bed. Which it is.

Everyone has different responsibilities in their own household.

Calm down.

@PanamaPattie

Where is he going? Two hours for DC bedtime - sort that out ASAP!

How dare he have a life when the dishes need done. Get your priorities sorted and both have time out once or twice a week. Controlling your partner may lead to problems, kids never go to sleep when we want for years

@SquashSoup

So please to hear you had a conversation and have come to some sort of resolution that seems to make you both happy.
I know ( and I do it myself) that loads of ppl ome on here calling him names, and telling you hw should be do this and that etc and some voices also say the same to the DM, but sometimes the best advice ppl can give is just to have an open and honest conversation with the other person.

@Graphista
TBH as a male I wouldn't take an 8 week old out you can't feed it not fair on baby

What?! Why wouldn't op be able to feed it?!

men can't breast feed

@RayOfSunshine2013

YABU to say he cant go out because you struggle with getting the kids to bed... however he is also being unreasonable and should return the favour when you want to go out alone.

THEY struggle to get THEIR children to bed so it's THEIR problem

Jesus Christ, this isn't about me. My point was that regardless of how my child was fed, my husband would have done everything in his power to ensure my time away was successful and not just dismissed it because "babies need their mothers"
But unless he comes over at feed time and takes baby and gives it a bottle, there's nothing he can do to give her time away without her being willing to try baby again with a bottle. The needs mom is literal when her some source of sustenance is from Mom.

Just to be fair, he does help with DS when he's not working

since when is looking after your own 22 months old 'helping' the mum. Jeez.

I suggest you give DC2 a proper feed so she won't go hungry for 2-3 hours at DS's bedtime and go and see a friend and leave DH to it.

I suggest you give DC2 a proper feed

Sorry, what is a feed that isn't proper? A pretend feed? A unicorn mystical feed?

men can't breast feed

Best comment on this thread.

You're my type of friend.

I'd find a regular once a week outing a piss take!

It's utterly relentless when they're that young and some days I am literally counting down the minutes until DH comes in the door.

The sleep deprivation and baby on tit/toddler wrangling is such hard work. I would tell DH I'd be fine with him going out every couple of weeks once the toddler is in bed, but that's providing baby is sleepy/chilled not colicky/fucking fuming.

@rwalker they can bottle feed! And op had already said baby was fine taking breast milk from a bottle so no reason he can't do that.

Also I bf dd at that age and even then she could easily go a couple of hours between feeds and even if I wasn't able to feed her as soon as she was hungry (eg if we were in car, or I couldn't find a seat) it was easy enough to either distract her or just accept I had to put up with her crying for a bit. Not ideal but real life isn't!

If he can expect op to do the nightmare bedtime routine 2 nights a week he absolutely needs to be willing to do the same for her!

I agree with pp that a great piece of advice for all new parents should be leave dad in sole charge ASAP!

My ex was/is a lot of things but he never would've even thought to pull this shit! I had an emcs with dd and we were both lucky to survive the birth! Soon as we were home I still needed a lot of rest so he'd take dd out for walks and car rides, pop to the shops with her etc to give me a break. We'd time it I'd feed her and then he'd take her out and I'd get some rest and they'd be back in roughly right time for next feed. This was a guy who'd never even held a newborn until we had her. Huge learning curve for him but he approached it with love, enthusiasm and purpose.

Sad and infuriating that so many younger men (he's almost 50 now) are so uninterested in their own dc and so uncaring towards the mothers of their children.

He’s only mentioned 2 nights this week , not a big issue if occasional , even if regular if you aren’t working at the moment then it wouldn’t bother me

@littleharissa

I suggest you give DC2 a proper feed

Sorry, what is a feed that isn't proper? A pretend feed? A unicorn mystical feed?

Presumably op loves feeding for hours on end so normally dicks about on purpose / only wants to feed her for short Burt's so never waits for her to be full. Either way it's clearly a failing of OPs that her very new baby with a very tiny tummy can't drink much or last long

And op had already said baby was fine taking breast milk from a bottle so no reason he can't do that. No, op said she'd done it before briefly at the beginning so was ^sure^ it would be fine. Probably.

even if I wasn't able to feed her as soon as she was hungry (eg if we were in car, or I couldn't find a seat) it was easy enough to either distract her or just accept I had to put up with her crying for a bit. Not ideal but real life isn't! So is an hour away. So if one hour in he tries the bottle because she's hungry and she refuses, she's still an hour away from home and possibly longer away from OP if she's not contactable. If op wants time out, she needs to KNOW that DD will feed from a bottle, not hope it'll be fine

I've not read the whole thread but read the resolution conversation and that sounds like a really positive outcome. I think you have to be really careful about using language like "allowing" when it comes to partners.

We're friends with 2 families and the husband always has to "check" everything with the wife first before agreeing to anything and are both terrified of their wives and have to get a "pass" to do anything independently. This level of coercive control the other way round you'd be advising women's aid.

At the age your 2 are now 2 pairs of hands are definitely preferable at bedtime. However as they get older one parent can manage bedtime for 2 DC's just fine. It's important that the 2 parents every night doesn't become set in stone as this dynamic can be stifling and restrictive. We pretty much took it in turns from ours being pretty young so the other could go out/make tea/go to the gym/go to yoga etc etc. Insisting on both parents being there all the time is unfair on both of you.

Totally understand the 2 hour bedtime we went through a v frustrating time like this with our 2 y.o at one point was stressful...basically you couldnt leave her room lol!! But your partner/husband is taking liberties going out even once a week every week, no way would my hubby leave me, i have a 12 week old EBF plus a 3 yo, we share bedtimes etc and housework, he wouldn't dream of swanning off with his mates weekly!

Nip it right in the bud or you’ll end up like my friend who’s “DP” has always fucked off and left her several nights a week.
Another’s DH plays rugby 3 time’s a week.
Shockingly enough - the mums get zero nights off. So unless you want a to find a hobby and “claim back” the same time - get some rules down.
I don’t know why all these woman pussyfoot around these “sensitive men who need their man time” Fuck off,it’s not the 1960s ... wanting a round of applause because they can stick a wash on a few time’s a week?

Why can’t he go out once DS is in bed? If he’s just under 2 he must be going to bed about 7ish? I’ve got 3 kids including a breastfed baby and if he wants to go out in evening he goes once he’s got older kids to bed

YANBU

Have anight out Also. Might chill you a bit x

YABU. He is an adult and if he wants to go out, he's free to do so. 2 nights a week is hardly excessive.

YANBU and I'm glad you've sorted it out.

I’m more worried about the 2hrs to put the toddler to bed part? Is he eating well? I used to find if my toddler hadn’t eaten properly at dinner he would do this, as soon as I started making sure he had eaten well/enough, or topped up with an oat biscuit he started going to sleep much more quickly.