AIBU to tell DH he can't go out 2 evenings a week

[SquashSoup]

I need some unbiased opinions on this please. Happy to accept I'm being UR if needed.

We have a 22 month old DS and a 2 month old DD. Putting DS to bed is currently a bit of nightmare and easily takes 2 hours. DH usually does this while I clean the kitchen and tidy away all the toys, I'm also often cluster-feeding DD at this time, she's EBF.

On Wednesday evenings DH goes out with some friends, leaving me to do everything myself. Its really stressful and difficult trying to get DS to sleep while also breastfeeding the baby, but I don't begrudge him a few hours with his mates once a week.

However DH has now announced he's going out with the same lads again tomorrow night & I'm worried this could become a regular addition.

AIBU to tell him that he can't go out with his mates 2 evenings in one week while we have 2 such young children?

Just to be fair, he does help with DS when he's not working, including getting up with him in the mornings so I can catch up on some of the sleep I lose doing the night-wakings.

However in general I do 100% of the childcare for DD, the vast majority of the childcare for DS (he's not in nursery or anything), & the vast majority of household chores, life admin, etc. I get no child-free time at all.

A two hour bedtime for DS is ridiculous and you need to get on top of that.
But, even if it did take this long, surely a toddler of his age would be in bed by 6:30-7 at the latest? Therefore, if DH met his friends at say 8, the toddler bedtime would be out the way leaving you to just feed the baby.
And yes, I've had a toddler and an EBF newborn so have experience of this (21 month age gap).

@rwalker

TBH as a male I wouldn't take an 8 week old out you can't feed it not fair on baby .

I agree with this. She's not even out of the 4th trimester yet and at this stage both parents aren't needed equally but that's why he should be taking the lions share of looking after the toddler when he's not working rather than nights out. Until both parents are able to have time out/alone then they both have to make sacrifices, not just the mother.

TBH as a male I wouldn't take an 8 week old out you can't feed it not fair on baby

What?! Why wouldn't op be able to feed it?!

Throughout three children...two who were only 13 months apart in age, no one EVER told me I couldn’t go out two times in a week. I certainly didn’t impose that on my dh either. Yes, there were times I was left to deal with bedtime (and I remember how drawn out that can be)...but I muddled through as I held the belief (still do) that retaining your identity outside of mum or dad, is important for your mental health.
Later, after all the breastfeeding was done with, my dh was happy to be at home while I did my thing.

Only fine if you get two evenings out too.

Op, I think some of these messages are based on how this is written, are you currently on maternity leave or a stay at home mum, and that’s why you do the bulk of th childcare and he fhen does his when he’s home?

Also if your daughter is too difficult to settle at this stage and neither of you are sure, you seem to think but not know too, if she’d settle, then I can see why at two months old it may be better for her to be with you,

How often does he wish to do this twice a week? I think if it’s rare then it’s fine, but if you genuinely will struggle them tell him ans ask him not to go.

I would be fine with that. Football isn't the same as sitting around with your mates in a beer garden which is possibly a christmas one off. He hasn't been out twice a week since you've had the babies so I don't think he will start and if he does then you can ask him not too. You also need to work on getting your toddlers bed time quicker which will help over all.

I think you need a honest and frank conversation with him about his responsibilities and your current balance because it isn’t fair on you at all. If he want his one or two evenings he needs to give back to you and he isn’t

Unreasonable second night, first one is exercise so I would hope you would be supportive of that.

One or two evenings a week is fine. Balance the pros and cons for you both. Maybe you’ll get your time back in later years like I did?

Although you do need to communicate about how you feel, too many relationships are ruined by one feeling like the other is not allowing them to do things. Adults make their own choices.

Start from the point of ‘Of course you can out and enjoy yourself, you don’t need to ask. Now can we sort out the childcare this week.’

I’m absolutely fascinated at the number of posters who have suggested to the OP that she should sort out the toddlers bedtime routine. If her dh is putting the toddler to bed, then it’s up to him to assess the problem and sort it out. (2 hours, from memory doesn’t seem unusual and I don’t agree that it’s actually a problem but I’m at the attitude that it’s somehow mum’s job to figure out what he’s doing wrong)

In relation to the night out, this isn’t a hill to die on, if it’s a once off Christmas thing. I wouldn’t try and stop him but I would talk about it and suggest that he put the toddler to bed first before going out. Actually suggest is the wrong word- I’d assume that he intended to and be very surprised if he was considering anything else. And I’d assume he’ll be making it up to you with extra lie ins.

Do you ever pop out to the shop by yourself or nip out for a walk? I understand not leaving a very young baby for hours, but he should be managing both dc at times if only to get enough experience to respect the job you do all day. And as others have suggested, a sling might help, but I’m sure as an adult human this is something that he could buy and learn to use.

Been there too with a similar age gap. Hang in there - it gets easier!

I think the issue is the feeling of inequity. Mine are grown up and I never had what I'd call the OP's "heavy duty" childcare with two under two. DS was 3.5 by the time we had two children.

However when she was a breast fed New born and ds was a devil to get to bed, DH was leaving the hoyse at 6.45am and getting home at 9pm or later as it coincided with his journey up the slippery pole.

I always did everything re children, home and domestic admin and still do. But our input was and is equal and even when I wasn't earning (7 years as a SAHM and they were amazing) he appreciated mine because without me doing what I did he couldn't do what he did and he acknowledged that. I had a lie in on Saturdays - although he did go to football on Saturday afternoons and often to away games but by the time ds was about 4 he took him with. He had a lie in on Sundays.

So overall I think it's an equality issue but having said that I wouldn't have and couldn't have left dd at 8 weeks old.

As others have echoed I’d tackle the 2 hours it takes to get your son to bed first..... personally I’d have no objections with DH going out two nights a week. But I’m from a household where life goes on when children come along.... we’ve a DSS too who was early teens when the kids came along. He had activities , football training etc.
I had things I enjoyed doing, DH the same. He played football, he had a 2nd job (hobby that turned into a wel paying 2nd job pre lockdown). That could be 3 nights a week.
I’d leave the kids with DH so I could go for a few drinks etc.

Honestly tackle the 2 hour sleep routine and everything will feel so much easier!!

I would want to tell him he is in charge of DS. If he can sort the bedtimes, then he can have two evenings a week! It sounds exhausting and stressful being pulled in two directions at bedtime. I understand he wants to meet his friends, but sacrifices have to be made when you have 2 under 2. You are making plenty more! This obviously isn't forever and when they are a bit older it will be easier to manage bedtime with both.

It's telling that his daughter doesn't know him. I agree with @CrotchBurn that he is a skiver. I also think you should keep on reading @Uponmytiptoes post - it is spot on. If he doesn't step up when you most need him, how can you love, respect and forgive him ever again?

@Crustmasiscoming

He didn't refuse to take them - he said he could only take one. Which when the other is an 8 week old baby (and most likely breastfed) and the other is only 22 months I can understand

If you don't want life to be 24 hours about babies with no break don't have young children so close in age.....

@SquashSoup

“But I think she would be fine with expressed milk in bottles as she's taken it before (she wasn't putting on weight quickly enough after birth and I was advised to top-up her feeds that way for few days).”

You can’t assume that just because she took a bottle two months ago, she will still do so easily now. It’s a start though.

Assuming you still have materials to express and bottlefeed, I would get cracking with this ASAP. Express a small amount for her and leave her with DH when she’s due a feed (go for a walk or somewhere near your house - not too far). See how he gets along. If he succeeds in getting her to drink the milk, great. You can start to plan longer time and distances away. That’s the ticket to freedom. If not, keep trying - it can take different types of bottle etc (God knows I have about 10 different varieties just for this purpose, and they all failed).

If you want to leave your 8 week old ebf baby for a few hours then you need to get your DH doing bottles from now on.

I ebf three children and I wouldn't have left an 8 week old for several hours as they were still feeding very regularly at that point.

I've always gone to a club (sports, not night!) two nights a week and DH does a volunteering thing the other two, Fridays we spend together.

When DC were little we'd have dinner together and then whoever was at home did bedtime.

It worked really well for us, although possibly not with a practically newborn in the house!

A point to consider is how much alcohol will dh be having? He won't be much use with the dc pissed /hungover...

DH has now announced he's going out with the same lads again tomorrow night & I'm worried this could become a regular addition.

AIBU to tell him that he can't go out with his mates 2 evenings in one week while we have 2 such young children?

YANBU to say that you'd rather he didn't leave you with the 2 DC for 2 nights every week while the baby is so young, and the toddler is being tricky.

YABU to "worry it will become a regular addition" because a) it's Christmas, people are trying to do what they can to have the usual social gatherings you'd expect this time of year, so it's a temporary issue; b) you can just have a conversation that this week OK, but please can it not be regular at the moment until everyone is a bit older; and c)

YWBU if you said your DH couldn't have 2 nights out a week ever. When they're a bit bigger, and the baby is not EBF, then you need to make it an equitable thing for you both. At the same stage, my DH and I had allocated weeknights that were "ours" to do what we wanted, where the DC in the evening were the sole responsibility of the other parent - meant we could arrange meals, trips to the pub, regular exercise classes etc without checking the calendar e.g. Tues/Thurs him, Mon/Weds me, Fri/Sat/Sun together.

I have the same age gap and DC1 was awful at bedtime, I sympathise. It gets better!

I think you need to break down the issues.

Him seeing his friends for a meal and a drink on a Friday before Christmas isn’t unreasonable. There’s no indication he wants to make it a regular thing. His activity on the other day is his regular commitment, which you have already agreed to.

Him not taking both children so you can have some free time is an issue. I would insist. The dynamic of a meet up with friends is completely altered when one brings a 2month old baby.

The 2 hour bedtime routine needs to be shortened. The best advice I was given was to cut 5 minutes a day until it is halved. Wait a week and then continue to cut 5 minutes a day until you are happy. My child didn’t even notice and the difference it has made to our evenings is substantial. You just need to be disciplined.

I get no child free time at all remind him of this if he proposes to make his Friday night drinks a regular thing.

@Cheeseboardandmincepies

YABU. You’re going out with your friends so why can’t he? Everyone needs down time now and then doesn’t hurt for a few hours. (work doesn’t count)

Ah, but remember...She has to take DD with her, he can't have both of them at once, so it isn't actually time away, or real down time. And she's only been out twice since DD was born, whereas he goes out once (now twice?) a week. Seems like he's the one BU

You probably get no child free time at all because you EBF a baby. You can't really go an hour away from her, she's 8 weeks old. You could, however, arrange something locally and it sounds like he'd be ok with that.

It's temporary (unless you keep having more babies) and he sounds hands on and amenable to doing his fair share of childcare. Things will have to be divided up differently once you go back to work anyway so I'd focus on making sure that the childcare responsibilities are a fair split then.

Going out for a regular thing once a week and the odd social occasion isn't unreasonable for either of you. Of course, the baby comes first and as she's EBF that might mean she has to go with you at the moment.