AIBU - class gifts to teachers are from the class - not just the children whose PARENTS contributed

[Gardenista]

I feel like I am shouting into the void here but isn't a class gift from all the children - not only the children whose parents have chosen to contribute?
It's for a reception class so it's setting the precedent but it makes me feel very uncomfortable that when so many families are struggling - I would hate for parents to feel they have to pay into a collection when they are struggling for the things their children need, just to save face. Am I being over sensitive - it's a state primary in an affluent area but there are a good 10% of families struggling ( on school's data).

This makes me feel so very old. We never had teacher's presents. Our primary school for our gs's was so very cliquey and I watched in amazement as parents bought gifts for the very teacher they had verbally ripped to shreds throughout the year. Was never asked for a contribution to a class present but I would have said no. It is all so very uncomfortable for a variety of reasons, financial, dislike of the teacher/TA etc. I think schools need to draw a line under it all.

I can remember walking to school on my own, age around five, and calling for my teacher on the way in! She was strict and pretty unemotional, but my confidence in her was clear. Like this would happen today. Happy memories.

Actually, our school has sent out an email saying no gifts or cards due to Covid... you might think this a little extreme but it’sa way of reducing risk-and I think a whole community is breathing a sigh of relief to not have something else to remember!

I don’t think any adult would demand it’s the poor innocent children that are left out. Who don’t have their own money to contribute. Nice to see the spirit of Christmas is alive and well. Well unless your wee Mary and your Mum just lost her job and the mean Mums write a card to the teacher and only leave your name off as your Mum couldn’t contribute .

@Peppafrig

I don’t think any adult would demand it’s the poor innocent children that are left out. Who don’t have their own money to contribute. Nice to see the spirit of Christmas is alive and well. Well unless your wee Mary and your Mum just lost her job and the mean Mums write a card to the teacher and only leave your name off as your Mum couldn’t contribute .

Mary’s mum can get Mary to make a home made card from stuff around the house. That way she’s not left out but if you don’t contribute towards a gift then the name shouldn’t be on it. Regardless of what the reason behind it is.

I've never worked in a school where this was the custom as I've always worked in less affluent areas. I would have hated any parent to feel under pressure to give towards a gift and, I think, even in more affluent areas there would be those with financial problems although it might be less obvious.

I don’t see what is so hard about just saying it’s from the class. It seems very petty to leave off children and I would never do it. I have felt awful as a class rep asking for money for so many things this year. I know there are parents that can’t afford it and it’s all got a bit too much. We’re in an affluent area and because of that, I think everything gets a bit ott.

I really hate class collections. At my DC's Private School there is a huge amount of pressure to give to class gifts and it does become a power thing between Mums and is very cliquey. They say there is no pressure to donate, but there really is. One year one of these mums created a spread sheet which listed those who had contributed and those who hadn't and then e-mailed it to the entire year group, naming and shaming those of us who hadn't contributed. I had actually bought a personalised present which my child had chosen, but the spread sheet made it look like I hadn't bothered and I felt so embarrassed. Another year I was deleted from a Mum's WhatsApp group after saying it was too much for a Form teacher to receive so much money in gift vouchers and could the money be divided between other subject teachers. This did not go down well!
As a teacher I do find class collections in Prep Schools quite obscene and uncomfortable. I have taught in one for many years so see what goes on behind the scenes. I really treasure handwritten little notes/cards or just someone verbally saying thank you. There really is no need for huge grand gestures.

Maybe it’s a thing where parents cash rich time poor - the prevailing sentiment at our primary was gratefulness to organiser as one click of PayPal and teachers present sorted especially if you have multiple kids one less job to do for harassed mum at Christmas (yes it does always seem to be mum 🙄)

When DD1 was in yr4, there was a parent organising the collection for the form teacher (also the head teacher). 16 children in the class and parents were asked for £15 each. (She wasn't even their teacher for most lessons as they had a separate maths teacher, science teacher, French teacher etc etc). It was a bit steep but everyone was doing it, so we went along with it. First time there had ever been a class collection, in previous years we had all done our own thing.

The organising parent (who was VERY pally with the form teacher/head) allowed her child to CHOOSE who wrote in the accompanying card. The child chose a few friends outside the class and only included about half of the children whose parents had actually contributed.

Form teacher/head was delighted with her present (£15 x 16 = £240 in vouchers!) and wrote a lovely card to each child who had signed the card (as she thought those were the ones who had contributed) and included a special drawing each. DD1 and many others were upset they didn't get a special card/drawing, and there were several bemused parents of children not in the class as their children had these lovely cards yet they hadn't contributed.

I politely took it up with the parent who had organised to let her know what had happened and she just laughed. Said as she had organised it, her child was allowed to choose who wrote in the card. Her child was also the one who did the 'big presentation' of the gift in front of everyone. That was the last time we ever contributed to a joint present!

Surely a class gift is a class gift?

I hate this. Parents might miss the message, might not be able to afford it, many reasons.

For adults “no contribution, name not on the card” fine, but these are kids with no choice.

Whenever anything collective has gone round for my kids, it’s not unusual for several parents to step forward and offer to cover any children who haven’t contributed. Anonymously. So the gift ends up being “class X” rather than individual names.

Same as the contributions for school trips. Those that paid covers those that don’t, no kid is left off the trip because the “donation” wasn’t paid.

We're in an affluent area with many families living in huge houses, new cars every year, well-paid jobs, etc. There are a few of us who don't earn so well/don't live in such affluence.
We do a class collection but no requirement to contribute and no set amount.
The card is always from all children. The gift is from those who put into the collection.
At the end of year, if we get something made with children's names on as a gift ( e.g. mug with "class of x year" and the pupils first names, then all names go on the item.
But those who don't contribute are not the lower earners.

@bluebluezoo and that is exactly what anyone with a heart would do. Are people that pitiful that they actually believe that a child should be left off . As you say an adult sure . But don’t do class gifts if your not signing them from the class. Don’t you think the teacher will thank the full class anyway ?She will no doubt know the circumstances of the poor children left off and will think how petty the other parents are.

I put my hand up to organise Christmas gifts (vouchers) this year for the staff at my child's pre-school / early years private nursery (I don’t know if you see that as a different scenario). I did it for 2 reasons:

1. The staff have had a destabilising and worrying year and didn't know how lockdown would affect their jobs at the end of it. Yes, the same as a lot of us, but still true for all of them. And I believed they would enjoy a voucher to spend rather than receive boxes of chocolates, as nice as that is.
2. If I was to buy even a small, token gift for the handful of staff working closely in the course of the last few months with my child it would cost more than to do a donation and pool our resources.

It was a suggested sum as I thought that was the fairest way of asking. (And yes, no you don't know everyone's financial situation, but you can make a bit of a judgement from the cars they drive and the homes they live in.). My message was that it was clearly optional, light and breezy to join in or not.

90% of parents appeared to be delighted and only too relieved that the staff they treasure have got a decent gift and they didn't have to panic about what to get.

I was planning to write the names of the children on the voucher card, I can't imagine the staff will check through to see who's missing (and what - hold it against the children?) but I also can't fathom how it could be fair to those who have made the contribution not to, and I don’t think I can poll them on it?

Perhaps some parents want to do their own thing. Perhaps some parents don’t want to do anything. Perhaps best not to over think it?

NB – pretty mean spirited to throw around terms like virtue signalling and alpha mums, and speculate who is doing it to put it on social media. Yes you’ll always get those people, but many are just trying to do a nice thing.

At my kids school there’s always been a class collection, which most people do, some people choose not to be involved and prefer to get their own gift, so obviously they wouldn’t be included. You can’t really ask if they’re going to do their own gift or if they’re a bit skint this year would they like their name on the tag anyway.
We never set an amount to contribute though, and it ranges from £2.50-20 (affluent area), I prefer to contribute rather than buy 2/3 bottles of wine or chocolates, which would cost me more.

I've organised this on occasion, I've always said "I'll organise it, just send me X moneys or roundabouts (a pound or so) by Y date" and then just bought a class gift from what I got. It's better to just assume that everyone is going to forget to give money sometime or other during their child's school life, and that some children have parents who for various reasons are never going to donate and that's fine. I'm not checking who paid their taxes or anything. I don't put names on a card, I just put "Thank you for this term/school year from class X" and that's it. If I remember to get a card even, I'm not in the UK so don't have the same card obsession culture.

But gifts are low key and symbolic, usually a house plant.

Ex teacher here. I really hated these "whole class parents contribute to a bigger gift" things.
Yes, maybe I got a "naice" gift, but it didn't have the personal, memorable touch of a few little, thoughtful things like a heartfelt card, a child drawn picture or chocolate from the £1 shop bought by / from the child. Those are the ones I remember and smile about, even 20 years after receiving them.
The only exception was when I had an older class and a group clubbed together and bought me a beautiful necklace (that I recognised from the local newsagents and cost £10 max between 23 of them...) I wore that daily for years and still comes out now and again even though it makes my neck green if I'm not careful .

This all sounds like such a headache to me. No, technically it's not a 'class' gift if not every single parent contributes, but I wouldn't have the heart to leave anyone off. Also the people who contribute are choosing to do so on behalf of the class, unless the money is being raided from the pupil's money boxes? It raises the question, is it really for the kids, the teachers or the parents?

From a slightly different perspective, I'm often the person who does team collections for wedding, new baby, leaving gifts etc. Contribution is voluntary and I don't keep score of who's put in and who hasn't, but the gift is labelled from the team, regardless.

The amount is set, if you want to give less you can (no one does)

Why is the amount set? No one gives less because of social pressure... you surely realise that? . The whole thing is completely ridiculous as far as I’m concerned. Our reception teacher got Tea for two at the Ritz and other gifts on top of that...probably £200 - £250 worth I would say. As It happened I did contribute to that but I also got my DD ( still 4 at this point) to fill out and colour a printable sheet I got from Pinterest about why she liked her teacher. I also made biscuits which I have learned from here must never be done under any circumstances. I now resist group collection as far as humanly possible... at the end of last year my DD made a delightful necklace and bracelet which the teacher wore all day which just goes to show what a great sport she is.

It’s also interesting how so many people know exactly how many people have and haven’t contributed

Thankfully we never did class gifts and it would be better to say it's from Class A or whatever.
However if you don't pay the gift isn't from your child. It's the same as a Y6 camp. It's a Y6 camp but if you don't pay your child doesn't go.

If you read this forum, you see why you have to make the choice of being anonymous on the donation page "optional". I have seen many posters accusing the parent collecting fund of keeping some for themselves! It might be true, but you can understand why it's tricky.

I know someone so fed up with it chose a fixed amount, so there's was no possible doubt on the amount!

There are some horrible people in the world always looking for a fight and spoiling everything.

Is expect it to say from Class Y not just 29 names of children, probably listed on order of size of financial contribution

@Rosebel actually at our school the parent council pay for kids to go the Year 6 (primary 7 ) trip it they receive certain benefits. Thankfully.

We usually have someone set up a PayPal, any amount allowed but yes the card is from the kids parents who have contributed (irrespective of it being £2 or £20) and not from those who don’t as some people want to do their own thing (or nothing). It’s both easy, and for those that join in so that the teacher can get what they actually want. It can be set so that only the person who sets up the PayPal can see what has been contributed and by who so that no one is embarrassed. It’s not a big deal.

RedToothBrush
that's awful!