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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have no time for ‘gender disappointment’

417 replies

Dinosaur19 · 08/12/2020 13:26

Friend is having her first baby boy. Is ‘devastated’ as she ‘always wanted a girl’. AIBU to not understand this type of disappointment? Surely when you try for a baby you know that the odds are 50/50 and you should accept that or don’t have bloody kids. I have 2 DS so this pisses me off slightly.

OP posts:
SparklyGlitter95 · 08/12/2020 13:28

I agree.

Jennifer2r · 08/12/2020 13:29

Same. Get a real problem.

wimhoffbreather · 08/12/2020 13:29

Yeah I’m with you op. Even if they were your ‘preferred’ gender, who’s to say that it will be as you imagined? A lot of pressure for a little child to live up to. I don’t get the disappointment either

formerbabe · 08/12/2020 13:30

Nothing wrong with a preference as long as you accept you might not get it and would still be happy anyway.

Devastated is a ridiculous over reaction

FPS123 · 08/12/2020 13:30

I do find it a bit self indulgent and a bit sexist (not all girls love shopping or boys, football) but I’m sure plenty will be along to tell you YABU.

MustardMitt · 08/12/2020 13:30

I kind of get a little disappointment if you already have one and would like the other. But anything stronger than that I don’t understand.

Latteatnaptime · 08/12/2020 13:32

I can understand feeling a bit disappointed and needing time to adjust, but more than this I don't understand. Some people have such difficulty and heartache ttc that to be disraught at having a baby boy feels a tad disproportionate.

Bookworming · 08/12/2020 13:32

Totally agree!

And the cries of "it's a thing", it really isn't.

You think long and hard before you have children, you consider all sorts of things.

If you feel a disappointment due to gender, then don't go ahead.

Lsquiggles · 08/12/2020 13:32

There are so many threads on here about gender disappointment and it makes me so sad, it's always someone sad that they're not having a girl too.

WhatKatyDidNxt · 08/12/2020 13:32

Yep, l don’t get it and never will. It’s petty and childish. We have fertility issues so we will be lucky if we ever get a baby, never mind getting worked up about a pink one or blue one!

It’s a 50/50 chance after all, unless you want to pay thousands to select your gender. I think that’s ethically and morally dodgy though. No one NEEDS a boy or the other way around

Gemma888 · 08/12/2020 13:32

I will never understand it for a moment. Healthy baby is the name of the game and if you get that, you should thank your lucky stars.

Jobsharenightmare · 08/12/2020 13:33

I think you have had a strong reaction to her experience to start a thread and wonder if you might feel a bit sad that you don't have a daughter OP?

I think it is normal to have hopes and dreams and as long as we can come to accept reality then what's the harm with a friend expressing her feelings to a friend.

Riggsthedino · 08/12/2020 13:34

I don’t agree with gender disapotment for simple reasons like I saw myself with a girl. That grinds my gears. But some gender disappointment is more deep rooted for some. I’m pregnant (unplanned found out late) with a boy and really didn’t want a girl, why? Because I carry a rare genetic condition that passes onto girls. It was just one less thing to worry about for me (I would take any disability my way btw) I also had a friend who was disappointed with having a girl to begin with she had a late miscarriage at 22 weeks with a boy in her last pregnancy although after speaking to the bereavement midwife she felt better. So on the surface it’s awful, but there are a few cases were it’s different

Original poster
Dinosaur19 · 08/12/2020 13:34

@MustardMitt

I kind of get a little disappointment if you already have one and would like the other. But anything stronger than that I don’t understand.
I can kind of Understand this, but surely it would just be a momentary ‘oh blimey another DS/DD!’ and then you just get on with your life and prepare for your new baby. It’s this absolute shock/devastation I can’t understand, like she’s just been told she’s having a baby kangaroo instead of a human.
OP posts:
justanotherneighinparadise · 08/12/2020 13:35

To my mind they’re spoilt princesses who are used to getting their own way and can’t cope with not getting their own way. It’s the equivalent of a foot stamp and most of the time it comes down to something incredibly shallow like clothes 🙄

Glitterblue · 08/12/2020 13:38

I agree. My ex friend told me she was devastated when she found out she was having a second girl, knowing that DH and I can't have another baby when we desperately wanted two. (That wasn't why we fell out, we fell out over how disgustingly she treats her children, particularly the one that she was devastated was a girl. She has since gone on to have twin girls and dresses them both as boys, I suspect she's trying to pretend they're boys while they're still babies)

Porcupineinwaiting · 08/12/2020 13:38

I agree. Apparently we are all entitled to our feelings, no matter how unreasonable they may be.

And dont get me started about the requests to mothers of boys to reassure them that their lives wont be blighted by having a second boy. Hmm

Poor bloody kids.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 08/12/2020 13:38

I couldn't agree more, I hate seeing threads on here about GD its ALWAYS disappointment in having a Boy, its disgusting.

Metallicalover · 08/12/2020 13:38

Nope I don't get this kind of disappointment. It's self indulgent behaviour.
Many people including myself have struggled for years to have a child. All I was hoping for was to be a Mam and praying that we had a child.

SunscreenCentral · 08/12/2020 13:38

Why is it always girls that are favoured? Boys are wonderful! I get hugs every single day and no sign of stopping (bring em on!!) at 12.5yo.

Original poster
Dinosaur19 · 08/12/2020 13:39

@Jobsharenightmare

I think you have had a strong reaction to her experience to start a thread and wonder if you might feel a bit sad that you don't have a daughter OP?

I think it is normal to have hopes and dreams and as long as we can come to accept reality then what's the harm with a friend expressing her feelings to a friend.

This is not the case Smile what I did get very annoyed with when I found out I was having a second DS was the amount of ‘ah never mind’ and ‘2 boys will still be nice’ as if people were disappointed on my behalf.
OP posts:
mumsyandtiredzz · 08/12/2020 13:40

Oh it’s a tricky one, I have 2 boys (no disappointment each time) and it does begin to grate a little bit how women seem to be predominantly disappointed with having a boy. 99% of threads about GD involve a baby boy and in RL a lot of women I know have been quite open about having a preference for a baby girl... this includes women who already have a DD or who are expecting after fertility issues and miscarriages. Kind of makes me think am I missing something? Was I supposed to be disappointed with my boys? It can sort of sting when I look at my gorgeous, amazing, cute, funny little boys and how many people openly don’t want that and would feel disappointed.

Porcupineinwaiting · 08/12/2020 13:41

@SunscreenCentral tbf I doubt it is always girls that are favoured but most people are probably bright enough to realise Mumsnet is not the place to come crying because you always wanted a boy.

winterbabythistime · 08/12/2020 13:41

I agree op. I don't comment saying that on threads I see by women expressing it on here as I don't want to be unkind.
Maybe it is a 'thing' but to me it seems ridiculous and childish.

ForeverRedSkinhead · 08/12/2020 13:42

I agree op , it's ridiculous and also insulting to your baby.

When you've had the worst and most heart breaking news imaginable at your anomaly scan you have even less time for 'gender disappointment'.