To have no time for ‘gender disappointment’

[Dinosaur19]

Friend is having her first baby boy. Is ‘devastated’ as she ‘always wanted a girl’. AIBU to not understand this type of disappointment? Surely when you try for a baby you know that the odds are 50/50 and you should accept that or don’t have bloody kids. I have 2 DS so this pisses me off slightly.

@AlexaPlayWhiteNoise couldn't agree more. Or had to walk through the busy waiting room hysterically crying and bring chased by the sonographer holding the scan picture of the baby that stopped growing, wondering why you wanted to make a quick exit and not take the photo.

@LolaSmiles

To those who find out early - sometimes very early in the pregnancy, why do you want to know? You can’t change the outcome?

Do you not look forward to that special moment when they are born when your DH can let you know?
I dont buy into this big special reveal, whether it's at 20 weeks or at birth, and why would I need DH to tell me the sex of our baby to be special? We found out and had people saying 'oooh but what about the surprise' to which DH said 'boy or girl isn't exactly a big surprise'

As you say, it can't be changed. It's either a boy or a girl. Does it really matter when people find out?

I just wanted a baby. Boy or girl didn’t matter to me. All three times with mine it was evident at the anomaly scans so I had no choice but to know anyway.

I loved them and wanted them whether they were a boy or girl
Or male or female

@Parker231

To those who find out early - sometimes very early in the pregnancy, why do you want to know? You can’t change the outcome?

Do you not look forward to that special moment when they are born when your DH can let you know?

I found out at 10 weeks through a private blood test. Why? Because id had a missed miscarriage at 8 weeks in my previous pregnancy. To me, that blood test gave my baby girl her name and the belief that I'd hold her in my arms. I truly didn't care either way if I had a boy or girl, I just wanted a healthy baby.

I just wanted a baby. Boy or girl didn’t matter to me.
All three times with mine it was evident at the anomaly scans so I had no choice but to know anyway.

I loved them and wanted them whether they were a boy or girl Or male or female

Most people just want a baby? Why trot out 'I loved and wanted them' when that's exactly how most people feel.

You do realise that some people find out at scans because they just want to know and it's not a big deal either way?

@Jennifer2r

Same. Get a real problem.

Love it when a poster sums it up within the first couple of posts!

This is a really tricky one, I've just had my first baby boy. I was so convinced we were having a girl I even went as far to say we don't need to decide on a boys name because I know it's a girl. For various reasons I couldn't find out the gender before birth. When my little boy arrived I was in complete shock and also completely in love. I think if I had been able to find out it was a boy before I had him I might have felt gender disappointment because I always wanted a girl. Once baby is here I'm sure she will feel like it's silly and love her little boy. Maybe try saying to her you never know you might enjoy it more. I'm not excited for all the boy things I get to do with him. Sometimes having a baby is so unknown it can be overwhelming and holding on to what you know can help. The thought of having a girl to me seamed so much easier because it was what I knew. If that makes sense.

Do you not look forward to that special moment when they are born when your DH can let you know?

Not sure about a “special moment” . All I remember is the world fading and trying desperately to stay conscious, more dr’s than I’ve ever seen in one room before, dh repeatedly asking if we had a boy or a girl, with no answer, just dr’s counting and ordering things, and me thinking just shut up we need to know it it’s alive first.

I only really thought about the boy/girl thing in terms of stereotypes, people telling me girls are better, and aren’t I pleased as there is so more choice with clothes...having to choose whether to follow the gender norms as going against them is actually quite problematic, from people thinking you secretly wanted a boy, or you are confused when you use female pronouns when the baby is clearly a boy dressed in blue.

Day to day it made bugger all difference.

As someone having fertility treatment (again) it does rankle. Lots of people are desperate for a baby and would be delighted with a boy or a girl.

@LolaSmiles

I just wanted a baby. Boy or girl didn’t matter to me. All three times with mine it was evident at the anomaly scans so I had no choice but to know anyway.

I loved them and wanted them whether they were a boy or girl Or male or female

Most people just want a baby? Why trot out 'I loved and wanted them' when that's exactly how most people feel.

You do realise that some people find out at scans because they just want to know and it's not a big deal either way?

In the context of this discussion - gender disappointment - it is precisely not how most people who experience this feel, or fear they will not feel.

How have you missed that?

Many many women who experience gender disappointment describe huge guilt at not feeling able to love and want the baby due to it not being a boy or girl. So I feel entirely vindicated in saying that when I discovered I was having a boy a girl or then another boy that I loved and wanted them regardless, because this is not the case for everyone upon discovery.

I also disagree that it is not a big deal for many people whether it’s a boy or a girl. I think it is a big deal for a lot of people. I think your comments in this context are casual and throwaway in your use of the phrase “why trot out” because you have no empathy or time for this truth. You consider it trite or stating the obvious, for those reasons. That is blinkered.

I know of people who have been through this. It almost destroyed them and they were pilloried by others who thought they should just be grateful. I think they knew that already. Didn’t change things though.

I was made to feel like I had got the booby prize when my ds was only boy out of a group of friends then all through 2nd pregnancy as they all had girls 2nd time also was again made to feel poor you going to be stuck with another boy so I was even more shocked when out popped a girl! Love both my dc and would of been perfectly happy with any mix.

I didn't know for my first, and I was blown away by how strongly I felt when I actually met my baby.

I think that if I had known ahead of time there might have been a temptation to feel happy/sad about it.
Whereas in reality, it really didn't matter as it was just overwhelmingly my BABY which Oh happens to be a boy.

So I do think this has increased since we coudl find out.

I do sort of get it, if you have eg 3 boys /girls and would like one of the other gender, but in the end you get pregnant to have a baby not to have a boy/girl

But maybe I’m wrong and just trying to make something shallow deep.

Sadly I think you are. And unfortunately the parents who are desperate to have a little girl they can dress in pretty dresses and teach how to do make up often seem to end up with a girl who has no interest in such things and often ends up disliking their own mother. Simply because the mother doesn't care about their own child's actual interests. Or the dads who want a boy to teach football to, take to matches etc aren't interested in their son who is interested in fashion and beauty.

It's sad and stupid that these parents still exist and think they are mature enough to have kids. They aren't. They've barely progressed from watching romcoms. Why not just let your child grow up how they want to? Introduce them to a wide variety of things if you can, and let them choose. I see it all the time in horse riding, the mother loved horses as a child and gets their kid one. Said child is interested for a while but eventually gets bored. Silly mum is now left with an expensive bill every month for no reason. I love horses, but not a chance if I have kids will I be buying one for them until they have done a lot of lessons, own a pony days etc to prove they are genuinely interested. It's a huge waste of money otherwise.

A cousin of mine has found out her first baby is badly brain damaged. They only wanted a healthy baby. Boy or girl.

I don't think until you have personally experienced sadness during pregnancy (genuine cases of babies having severe I'll health/disorders) that you can really grasp the concept of just not caring if baby is a boy or girl. This pales into significance when faced with bad news. I had a premature baby but my worries didn't end in NICU, as he had a rare condition which then required major surgery.

@Parker231 To those who find out early - sometimes very early in the pregnancy, why do you want to know? You can’t change the outcome?

Do you not look forward to that special moment when they are born when your DH can let you know?

As mentioned earlier I wanted to find out early (and was encouraged to by staff) cause of a rare genetic problem that normally only carries to a certain sex.
But that wasn't the only reason I have autism and this was a unplanned found out late pregnancy. Know I it was a boy or a girl has helped me picture the baby and plan so when I'm thinking of how my routine would change it's just easier for me

I also don't have a partner !

I think it ok to feel disappointed , but would never voice it. Btw I’m very happy with what I was given

@Parker231

To those who find out early - sometimes very early in the pregnancy, why do you want to know? You can’t change the outcome?

Do you not look forward to that special moment when they are born when your DH can let you know?

I found out both times because we didn't care either way, so we weren't fussed about big surprises. I think it's quite odd to deliberately create a 'surprise' for yourself by turning down information that the sonographer knows anyway I thought an excellent bonus was it stopped other people wittering on about whether it was a boy or girl based on old wives' tale, and shut down any 'are you hoping for a girl?' for DC2. I cannot imagine any moment more special than when I first held my baby and, tbh, think it's a bit sad if your big concern at that point was the baby's sex rather than meeting this little person for the first time.

Exactly what @Hardbackwriter says. Unless you're incredibly hung up on one sex or another, it's really just another piece of information the sonographer can see about your baby, like head circumference and femur length.

I must say I also get a bit impatient with people who shriek about 'ruining the surprise' like you're some kind of joyless fun-sponge assuming you know you aren't pregnant with multiples, it'll be either a girl or a boy. Which is really not that surprising. In the context of all the available surprises of birth that your body really does that, that this baby who's been getting the hiccups and making your coffee cup wobble if you put it on your bump for months, is not out in the world and in your arms, looking totally unimpressed, that your placenta is really kind of beautiful -- whether it's a girl or a boy strikes me as the least among them.

I think a lot of people have a slight preference. I know I'd have slightly preferred a boy but I was genuinely not disappointed with a girl. All I cared about at the scan was that there was still a heartbeat and that the baby was healthy after a previous loss. I know feelings are often irrational and can't be helped but I can't help feeling irritated at those who are "devastated".

@Ivy455

I think a lot of people have a slight preference. I know I'd have slightly preferred a boy but I was genuinely not disappointed with a girl. All I cared about at the scan was that there was still a heartbeat and that the baby was healthy after a previous loss. I know feelings are often irrational and can't be helped but I can't help feeling irritated at those who are "devastated".

Yes, to get devastated at such a gift feels like a privileged way to feel.

I feel hugely for mothers with depression and PND but outside of that I find it hard to empathise for long. Our kids are with us for such little time really, every moment should be treasured.

It all just goes to show that humans are very complicated beings.
Our likes and dislikes and preferences arent always within conscious control or sometimes even obvious until confronted with a particular situation. Sensible well adjusted and empathetic adults do not allow their preferences to impact negatively on their children and love them whatever they are like. No amount of debating and perhaps only parenting education will change the situation.
Posters here are not by and large your average UK mother and are generally more aware.
OP ask your friend if it might be better to have herwee boy adopted when he is born so that she try again for a girl. Maybe this thought might set her hormones off in another direction — devastation at the thought of losing this precious baby.

@AiryFairyMum

As someone having fertility treatment (again) it does rankle. Lots of people are desperate for a baby and would be delighted with a boy or a girl.

Yes it is very very hard to read/hear if you are in that situation.

In the context of this discussion - gender disappointment - it is precisely not how most people who experience this feel, or fear they will not feel.
How have you missed that?
I've not missed anything.
I was replying to posters asking why people would find out early when you can't change the outcome.

Most people don't find out early so they can process some deeply devastating emotions in case the baby is the wrong sex.
Some people will, and that's their issue to deal with

What I didn't get is how your 'I wanted a baby... they were going to be loved regardless' followed on from my reply to another poster saying I don't buy the big reveal, big surprise stuff as it doesn't matter when you find out, the baby is still the same sex

Unless you're incredibly hung up on one sex or another, it's really just another piece of information the sonographer can see about your baby, like head circumference and femur length.
I must say I also get a bit impatient with people who shriek about 'ruining the surprise' like you're some kind of joyless fun-sponge -- assuming you know you aren't pregnant with multiples, it'll be either a girl or a boy. Which is really not that surprising.
I totally agree with you.
But then everything has to be a big announcement or a huge surprise as some people live in a permanent state of emotional hyperbole. It's a bit boring to find out the baby's sex at whatever time you like and get on with life.

Sometimes it’s not about gender stereotypes my DH really wanted a girl so suffered this when we found out DS was a boy. However his reason was he wanted our child to take after me not him and he had low self esteem and his ‘logic’ girl has more chance of it. We talked it through and by the time DS was born he was the proudest dad going and 6 years on totally in love with his boy.

I have my 20 week scan in a couple weeks. I just want to know that baby is healthy and developing as it should be. That's the most important thing to me and my DP. We will be finding out the sex, I will be delighted either way.

However my DD (only 4) is adamant that she wants a little sister!!