To have no time for ‘gender disappointment’

[Dinosaur19]

Friend is having her first baby boy. Is ‘devastated’ as she ‘always wanted a girl’. AIBU to not understand this type of disappointment? Surely when you try for a baby you know that the odds are 50/50 and you should accept that or don’t have bloody kids. I have 2 DS so this pisses me off slightly.

I agree, and always makes me so sad that they’re disappointed to be having a boy.

I have two boys. They’re fucking awesome.

I get your point but bloody hell, have a heart. Different people are bothered by different things. It doesn't hurt you. I have three sons, I get lots of 'will you try for a girl' and 'oh god three boys' type comments, I ignore the silly people.

Depends. I was devastated when I found ds was a boy. It wasn't something I expected but seeing his gentalia on the scan brought out so much negativity and trauma from my past. What if he'd become a monster like the man who hurt me so badly I still need therapy 20 years later? I was terrified I'd get it wrong and I still am, although it's lessened with time.

I didn't tell anyone apart from dh why I felt that way though.

Agreed.

Feelings are irrational and people should have the time and space to work through their reactions, not be shamed. I don't think that's helpful.

@unmarkedbythat

I get your point but bloody hell, have a heart. Different people are bothered by different things. It doesn't hurt you. I have three sons, I get lots of 'will you try for a girl' and 'oh god three boys' type comments, I ignore the silly people.

It doesn't 'hurt' OP but it does seem a bit weird/insensitive/rude to start moaning about it to the mother of two boys. A friend's first reaction when I told her I was having a boy was 'I hope that when I have a baby I have a girl' and it has always annoyed me.

I think this is a symptom of much deeper problems in society. The notion of 'pink' or 'blue' really bothers me because a baby is pigeon holed from before birth into outdated stereotypes of what they are expected to be. I have little sympathy for anyone devastated because their baby is the 'wrong' sex.

I despise seeing babies overly gendered, little girls in impractical and truly hideous frills and glitter, given dolls and prams and makeup to play with or little boys in all blue with trucks and diggers and tools because it's 'manly'. They are then given these messages throughout their formative years over and over.
IME the new parents devastated they are having a boy (because it's more often a boy they don't want) go on to talk about how they always saw a girl they could dress up and do girly things with. Why does a girl automatically mean pretty dresses and makeup.

My DH had a preference for a daughter, but when our dc2 was born and we saw he was a boy DH was overjoyed! He admitted he was nervous about having a son but when he actually thought about it we are raising the children and they are shaped by us so their genitals make very little difference to their personalities or how we interact with them (except for nappies, positioning was a learning curve there). A friend said she was gutted her baby, who was very much wanted and the result of IVF, was a boy because she wouldn't get the buy pretty dresses...

@Dinosauratemydaffodils

Depends. I was devastated when I found ds was a boy. It wasn't something I expected but seeing his gentalia on the scan brought out so much negativity and trauma from my past. What if he'd become a monster like the man who hurt me so badly I still need therapy 20 years later? I was terrified I'd get it wrong and I still am, although it's lessened with time.

I didn't tell anyone apart from dh why I felt that way though.

I’m so sorry that something so awful happened to you. You must have known though that when you got pregnant, there was a 50% chance you’d have a boy and he could grow up to be a monster ... or a wonderful human being?

Yes I find these threads really sad and purely based on stereotypes. I have an older DS and younger DD, and I hated people’s reactions when they found out I was having a girl - ‘SO happy you’ll get to have a girl!” and “I was so hoping you would!” and so on. Nobody reacted that way to my son. I find it quite insulting really.

Not to mention I have a nonexistent relationship with my own mum, and my brother is very close to her. So much for those wonderful mother-daughter relationships

It's sad we live in a world where people are so dismissive of mental health issues still. Many people have depression due to gender disappointment.

I have this theory that women who want girls and men who want boys this desperately are basically trying to replicate themselves, and will be in for a huge shock when the desired boy/girl develop their own personality and it’s quite different to how they expected.

I agree OP. I could not have children at all and to hear people saying "you need to grieve for the girl/boy you never had" is just..well words fail me.

@Dinosauratemydaffodils

Depends. I was devastated when I found ds was a boy. It wasn't something I expected but seeing his gentalia on the scan brought out so much negativity and trauma from my past. What if he'd become a monster like the man who hurt me so badly I still need therapy 20 years later? I was terrified I'd get it wrong and I still am, although it's lessened with time.

I didn't tell anyone apart from dh why I felt that way though.

I'm so sorry to hear this dinosaur, your feelings are very valid and real.

@jobsharenightmare lol, what on earth? Someone is allowed to have an opinion on something without it being projection

Yep it's ridiculous.

My mum wanted a girl, which she got (me) because she wanted a best friend to dress up pretty/go shopping/do girly things with.

Yet we're nothing alike, as a child I was a tomboy, never got on very well with her, always wanted to go fishing and be outdoors with my dad. I'll happily sit in front of the football drinking beer with my dad now.

Whereas my DH loves a good spa day with his mum.

I don't think girl/boy means what people sometimes think it does. It pretty much means fuck all.

My uncle is into motor cross/rugby/doing up cars and wanted a son to do "boy things" with. His son is now a choreographer for a ballet company and has a husband and 2 pomeranians

Yes I find these threads really sad and purely based on stereotypes. I have an older DS and younger DD, and I hated people’s reactions when they found out I was having a girl - ‘SO happy you’ll get to have a girl!” and “I was so hoping you would!” and so on. Nobody reacted that way to my son. I find it quite insulting really.

Yes, I was so cross when people said that they hoped I had a girl early on my pregnancy, before I found out that DC2 is a boy - it was like they were saying DS wasn't good enough. It was actually one of the reasons I found out the sex of the baby, I really didn't want it to continue throughout the pregnancy.

I'd have liked to talk to her after my third IVF miscarriage

Many people have depression due to gender disappointment.

Many? Many people are so disappointed with their child's sex that they have depression? Give over

I’m lucky that I’ve never experienced gender disappointment (I can’t bring myself to call it “sex disappointment” because that sounds like something else entirely). But I know that it exists, and these feelings are very real for some people. Feelings are rarely wrong, they just “are”. And they can take some parents by surprise during a much-wanted pregnancy.

I’m glad that Mumsnet is a place where people can discuss these feelings anonymously, with virtually no chance of their children ever finding out.

And, yes, MNers are more likely to say they want a daughter, because most MNers are women. I bet that some men have a secret (or not so secret) preference for a son.

@FluffyPurple

It's sad we live in a world where people are so dismissive of mental health issues still. Many people have depression due to gender disappointment.

But what about all those people who’s mental health has been affected by not being able to have children, losing a child etc who then have to listen to someone complain about how devastated they are to be having this when they wanted that. The mental health argument is valid on both sides.

I have 2 DS and i didnt really care on their sex - also no one said "oh its a shame " to my face - i might have been asked, would you prefer a daughter, but i dont remember, and if i had i would have said, not really, dont mind

The people on the 'oh no, second DS!' threads always insist that of course feeling like this doesn't mean they love their boys any less... But when they describe weeping through pregnancy, 'always feeling there's something missing', 'grieving for the daughter they wouldn't have' I always think that actually, no, you don't love your boys like I do.

You know what fucks me off the most is that these reactions, 99% of the time are from people who are having boys but wanted girls. When people have two girls nobody says "ah never mind", but people do regularly say that when people have two boys.

I have one DS and I'm pregnant with DC2, we don't know what we're having. This morning my cleaner said "you still haven't found out what you're having?" I said no, we don't really care (which is the absolute gods honest truth). Her response? "Ah yeah but I hope for your sake it's a girl"

WHY THOUGH????????

Weirdly enough I think nowadays there’s a lot more emphasis on the sex of the baby in pregnancy. My mum commented that when she had her babies in the late 80s/early 90s hardly anybody had the option to find out the sex until birth, as a result there was mainly white/yellow ‘non-gendered’ baby clothing in the shops, nurseries were decorated to suit a girl or a boy.

Nowadays so many people I know fork out for private scans at 16 weeks because they can’t wait another few weeks to find out the sex at the anomaly scan. Not to mention all the people I’ve heard refer to the 20-week NHS scan as the ‘gender scan’ who are clearly fixated only on the fact they may find out the sex rather than the actual checks. There are ‘gender reveal’ parties that are increasingly common and when you go to a baby shop there’s a big divide between one side of blue and ‘boyish’ clothes and a sea of pink and sparkly and feminine. Kind of creates this illusion of belonging to 2 very separate and different camps as an expectant mum.

@unmarkedbythat

I get your point but bloody hell, have a heart. Different people are bothered by different things. It doesn't hurt you. I have three sons, I get lots of 'will you try for a girl' and 'oh god three boys' type comments, I ignore the silly people.

It doesn't hurt you.

It doesn't affect you.

It makes no difference to your life.

The usual nonsense uttered about gender, when gender idealisms are one of the most poisonous traits of modern society. The adverse affects of gender beliefs starts in mindsets like this. The very idea of wanting one 'gender' over another never comes from a healthy place. It's always based on stereotypes and prejudice:

'I want a typical mother/daughter relationship'

'I dont want to watch them play football or talk about dinosaurs, I'd be better with a girl'

'I wouldn't know what to do with a boy'

And of course the reverse ideology is just as bad about girls. 'I dont do pink and Barbies, give me messy boys any day!'. It's at best pathetic, at worst the base source of all gender based stereotypes that are now having a huge adverse effect on society as a whole (whilst we all have to stand by and say how wonderful and Liberal it all is).