To have no time for ‘gender disappointment’

[Dinosaur19]

Friend is having her first baby boy. Is ‘devastated’ as she ‘always wanted a girl’. AIBU to not understand this type of disappointment? Surely when you try for a baby you know that the odds are 50/50 and you should accept that or don’t have bloody kids. I have 2 DS so this pisses me off slightly.

not an answer to the OP but the comments about it always being disappointment in a boy are so narrow. It is because on Mumsnet the people commenting are women, so they want a little mini me. If this forum was mostly men, the gender disappointment threads would largely be about having girls. Most of us would have known an arsehole man who only wants a boy. So can we stop the pity party for baby boys. Girl babies have been unwanted in patriarchal societies forever.

As someone who has had multiple miscarriages it genuinely upsets me. I went for a scan earlier this year and overheard a woman complaining because the sonographer couldn’t get a clear shot of the baby’s genitals so she would have to pay for a private scan. No relief that the baby was healthy or anything, she was purely transfixed on the fact she didn’t know whether it was a boy or girl. I was just pleased my baby was alive.

@mumsyandtiredzz

I always hope that the posters on the 'but I neeeeed a daughter' threads don't get one because it makes me feel really sad to think of their son

And also sad for the daughter who undoubtedly has massive expectations to live up to in order to fulfil the set idea about what having a little girl means to the parent.

Absolutely - as I said at the end of my post, I've seen it do as much damage to both siblings in real life. I don't know which is worse - to be the ignored one or the one who is expected to be mummy or daddy's mini-me - but they're both terrible parenting.

@BrumBoo it's a massive bugbear of mine. I never discuss anything to do with trans children as I feel very strongly about certain things, mainly because of how I was brought up.

YABU. Sorry, but I think you all are being awful. Nobody chooses how they feel. For many women GD is closely tied up with PND. It's not something I could have predicted when we started trying for a baby, at that point I was just so grateful to fall pregnant at all. The guilt I felt at GD and PND nearly drove me to the edge. I adored my baby boy but I was terrified I couldn't be the mother he deserved. GD is still very much a taboo subject. Most women who have suffered know this, and know how bad it sounds that's why I would never have dreamt of discussing it with anyone in RL (and quite frankly I wouldn't want to because I would never want my DS to find out how I felt). You're always going to find the majority agree with OP but in reality, for many women who really know, it's nothing to do with 'spoilt brats who want to dress their baby in something frilly' .

YANBU.

My own mother cried & said “well you can always try again for a girl” when I told her DC2 was a second boy.

I understand momentary disappointment, but to get so upset about it? About your own baby? I know it’s a very well worn phrase but it’s actually true that all that matters is he or she is healthy.

I had it. It was horrible but short-lived. I absolutely never mentioned it irl because of the reactions I see here. Also it always makes me laugh when people say "if you're bothered don't get pregnant." I have three kids and only one of them was planned!

My sister was disappointed that my third wasn't a girl and actually cried (I already had a girl and a boy). I told her where to go.

I agree completely.

I just think it's weird and actually very outdated to have expectations of what your child might be like based solely on their gender.

I can understand why you might dream of a child who is quiet/ outgoing/ affectionate/ funny/ clever/ whatever... but gender? It makes no sense to me.

Just because you've never experienced it doesn't make it not real.

Gender disappointment is based on something that isn't real though. You are having a child with an individual personality, yet when you bring 'gender' in to the mix you are going beyond that. You are hoping your child has a specific body so you can place societal expectations on them based on their biology. That's not ok. I'm genuinely sympathetic to anyone in mental distress, but I feel more sorry for a child who doesn't fit into the box their parents imagined them to.

@mynameisnotmichaelcaine

I had it. It was horrible but short-lived. I absolutely never mentioned it irl because of the reactions I see here. Also it always makes me laugh when people say "if you're bothered don't get pregnant." I have three kids and only one of them was planned!

But planned or not you know from the minute you get the positive test that it could be a boy or girl?

100% this. I remember one of the school mums had kept all of her sons outgrown wooden brio train sets to one side then gave them away when she found out she was expecting a girl. Baffled me.

Ah what a shame. Dd loves the wooden brio hand me down. And all the other toys from her brothers. Plus her own.

I feel like people who do experience gender disappointment should spend some time examining their perceptions about gender and sex and where it actually comes from.

[quote WankPuffins]@BrumBoo it's a massive bugbear of mine. I never discuss anything to do with trans children as I feel very strongly about certain things, mainly because of how I was brought up.[/quote]
It's a very difficult one, isn't it? Being raised with 'gender expectations', you can see just how f'd up it is. Yet speak out on any level of concern that another child might being brainwashed by parents or society's idea of gender, rather than have genuine dysphoria? Bigoted.....

I picked a superb name for a daughter and when I found out it was a boy I admit I was a bit disappointed. I guess as I had imagined the name I had imagined the child too. And I also thought, 'fuck, I don't know anything about boys'. That lasted about 2 hours, then I got on with it and became pleased to be welcoming my son to the world.

So YANBU.

@MissDollyMix

YABU. Sorry, but I think you all are being awful. Nobody chooses how they feel. For many women GD is closely tied up with PND. It's not something I could have predicted when we started trying for a baby, at that point I was just so grateful to fall pregnant at all. The guilt I felt at GD and PND nearly drove me to the edge. I adored my baby boy but I was terrified I couldn't be the mother he deserved. GD is still very much a taboo subject. Most women who have suffered know this, and know how bad it sounds that's why I would never have dreamt of discussing it with anyone in RL (and quite frankly I wouldn't want to because I would never want my DS to find out how I felt). You're always going to find the majority agree with OP but in reality, for many women who really know, it's nothing to do with 'spoilt brats who want to dress their baby in something frilly' .

MissDollyMix, I'm so sorry people are ignorant! You shouldn't have to read comments like "get past your feelings" from posters with a shocking attitude towards mental health issues that you've experienced.

She'll have to just do what most ppl do, just keep pumping them out until you get one of the preferred gender. Beckham's spring to mind

Of course YABU! Just because YOU didn’t feel like that doesn’t invalidate how other people feel.

I think YOU are an atrocious friend for posting about your friend on Mumsnet! I’m sure you don’t feel the same.

And btw gender disappointment can often trigger or be a sign or pre/post natal depression!

@lostintheday

I picked a superb name for a daughter and when I found out it was a boy I admit I was a bit disappointed. I guess as I had imagined the name I had imagined the child too. And I also thought, 'fuck, I don't know anything about boys'. That lasted about 2 hours, then I got on with it and became pleased to be welcoming my son to the world.

So YANBU.

I can get on board with this. My friend is taking it to extremes. There have been tears. Tears FFS.

Argh this annoys and angers me a lot. It seems to be acceptable to stereotype and be sexist when it comes to an innocent baby but if you told a child/adult that they couldn't play a sport or with a certain toy because of their gender there would be uproar and cries of 'how dare you! That's sexist and stereotyping'. It's not okay. It's never okay to judge someone on gender and put them in a box from the offset. Society doesn't help you just have to look at any clothes store and see how many girl clothes there are compared to boy clothes.. Even from a baby.. Ridiculous. Like mums of boys automatically don't like to shop or buy nice things and outfits for their baby like anyone else (I happen to hate shopping but I know other boy mums who claim shopping as a hobby) I have 2 ds which I'm very happy about as I didn't care anyway but also as I have disabilities that only impact females in my family but I don't need to explain that to idiots who tell me how upset I must be to have 2 sons. My boys are completely different because they are 2 different people regardless of what is or isn't between their legs. People tried to talk me into being disappointed with my youngest gender it was awful and caused lots of stress in my pregnancy. They wouldn't let it go and my in laws didn't even see our youngest until he was 2 years old because 'what else was new' they already had a grandson.. Disgusting.

P. S excuse lack of parapgrahs and grammar in general. I'm on my phone.

what I did get very annoyed with when I found out I was having a second DS was the amount of ‘ah never mind’ and ‘2 boys will still be nice’ as if people were disappointed on my behalf.

Good Lord. That's awful.

When I had my anomaly scan (that's what it's called, it's not some sweet revelation of the baby's sex) I'd already lost four babies. I had it privately at 16 weeks because I was too afraid to wait for the standard 20 weeks if I had to face the possibility something might have gone wrong.

The sonographer was a woman who was well used to dealing with paranoid mums in my situation and couldn't have been kinder or more thorough. She explained every single thing at every step. My baby, thank God, was fine.

Having already refused nuchal translucency screening I was too concerned with health issues for it even to occur to me to ask about the sex. No more did I care. I'm also curious about this supposed preference for girls but I'll withhold from divulging my theory on that one as it isn't very charitable.

I never post on threads where a mother to be claims to be disappointed in her child's sex, because I have nothing remotely positive or constructive to add.

I suffered badly from gender disappointment when I found out the sex of my first baby. It was a girl. Words cannot describe how much I wanted a boy; I was devastated. It's not something you can admit to in many circles; hardly any in fact.

I now know that I was suffering from ante-natal depression. All my fears and anxieties about having a child were projected onto the sex of the baby. I hated, actually hated women who were pregnant with boys as I so desperately wanted one. I ‘didn't like’ girls and felt that my life was ruined. I thought that I would never accept it. Any support I could find was geared towards women who wanted girls but were carrying boys, which made me feel much worse.

I had counselling with the ante-natal counsellor attached to the hospital. Interestingly, my counsellor said that she had seen lots of couples, particularly mothers who had experienced gender disappointment after years of infertility, miscarriages and IVF. In a way, she said that they had had more time to construct an image of 'their child' in their head, and had naturally ascribed it a gender. Most commonly, the imagined child was a girl and they were pregnant with twin boys. I was green with envy at the thought of them having boys. I felt like a failure who had spoiled my life.

I also had to face up to a lot of issues of my own- including my own relationship with my parents and issues I had with patriarchy and my own perception of gender. It was my biggest soul-search to date, and one I am very glad I did.

And then she was born... and she wasn't a boy, but she wasn't 'a girl' either. She was mine. She was, well, her.

I still felt disappointed, but every day the disappointment lessened and was replaced by love for her. It wasn't an instantaneous process, but I fell utterly and hopelessly in love with her in a way which I could not have anticipated.

I loved her a million times more than an imaginary son- but I had no way of knowing that until she was born.

I now have two fantastic girls, and couldn't be happier with my family. It feels complete. We're done

I really hate posts like this!

I don't understand it properly because I've never felt it but I can empathise with the people who do because some people are obviously desperate to have a particular gender which is evident by the fact that they keep trying! I don't think they can control their feelings.

On the other side though I have a terrible relationship with my mother and was worried about having a daughter. That is not uncommon when you have that kind of relationship with your mother, it feels like there must be something wrong with you if your mother never bonded with you so the same pattern will repeat with your daughter! On my first I knew instantly he was a boy. I just knew. On my second they couldn't tell at the scan but she was a girl and I fell in love with her straight away!

I think although some people are nervous about having daughters the opposite can be true for women who have amazing relationships with their mothers, they really want to recreate that with their own daughter....and perhaps in some cases for those who don't have a good relationship with their own mothers they aren't afraid to have a daughter and desperately want one so they can experience the mother/daughter bond in some way.

I think people probably have complex feelings behind the desire to have a certain gender and for that reason the disappointment they feel is very real and they can't help feeling that way.
I know a woman in her 50s who had all boys and she still says she is heartbroken she never had a daughter. She lost her mother at a young age so maybe that played a part in it!

@Icantrememebrtheartist

Of course YABU! Just because YOU didn’t feel like that doesn’t invalidate how other people feel.

I think YOU are an atrocious friend for posting about your friend on Mumsnet! I’m sure you don’t feel the same.

And btw gender disappointment can often trigger or be a sign or pre/post natal depression!

I didn’t feel like this because I knew there was a 50% chance of having a boy and a 50% chance of having a girl. I genuinely do not know how people can be horrified at finding out they are having their ‘non preferred’ sex, it is literally 50/50! Maybe I am an atrocious friend, but I wouldn’t dare moan to my friend about how upset I am to be having a son, whilst my friend is raising 2 sons.