To have no time for ‘gender disappointment’

[Dinosaur19]

Friend is having her first baby boy. Is ‘devastated’ as she ‘always wanted a girl’. AIBU to not understand this type of disappointment? Surely when you try for a baby you know that the odds are 50/50 and you should accept that or don’t have bloody kids. I have 2 DS so this pisses me off slightly.

I do think if you have suffered anything in terms of fertility or a child with health problems etc, then the gender just becomes irrelevant.

I have had 4 miscarriages, and so I quickly realised that I just wanted a baby, any baby.
And I found it hard when people celebrated their pregnancy as soon as they found out. I wanted to say - Wait! Don't get your hopes up! etc. But of course I didn't.

Everyone's experience if different so we must allow them to have different emotions about what their lives are like.

I wanted to find out with dc3 for practical reasons.. we were meant to be moving to a three bed before they were born, and I needed to know which sibling they would eventually share with - dd or ds - so I could allocate the bigger room / box room. I had spent most of my pregnancy thinking bump was a girl, so was glad to have a bit of warning that he was a boy! He’s now 14 and I love the bones of him.. I can’t imagine him being anyone else.

I can understand being disappointed if it's like your 3rd or 4th boy but not 1st!

@Ilovechinese

I can understand being disappointed if it's like your 3rd or 4th boy but not 1st!

I'm not sure why that would warrant a level of disappointment? Babies are not a number, they are individuals.

I didn't want to know the gender of either of my DC before they were born. I simply wanted healthy children. My first was a girl. I had my second with my second husband. He was pleased when I had another girl. I asked him why and he said life is easier for women😳. However my second child is now adult and is happily living as male, having undergone full social and physical transition. His father never knew though as he died when his child was eleven years old.

@CakeRequired

But maybe I’m wrong and just trying to make something shallow deep.

Sadly I think you are. And unfortunately the parents who are desperate to have a little girl they can dress in pretty dresses and teach how to do make up often seem to end up with a girl who has no interest in such things and often ends up disliking their own mother. Simply because the mother doesn't care about their own child's actual interests. Or the dads who want a boy to teach football to, take to matches etc aren't interested in their son who is interested in fashion and beauty.

It's sad and stupid that these parents still exist and think they are mature enough to have kids. They aren't. They've barely progressed from watching romcoms. Why not just let your child grow up how they want to? Introduce them to a wide variety of things if you can, and let them choose. I see it all the time in horse riding, the mother loved horses as a child and gets their kid one. Said child is interested for a while but eventually gets bored. Silly mum is now left with an expensive bill every month for no reason. I love horses, but not a chance if I have kids will I be buying one for them until they have done a lot of lessons, own a pony days etc to prove they are genuinely interested. It's a huge waste of money otherwise.

I think there are people who fit into these very simplistic and quite patronising categories. I also think that there might be people who have reasons for wanting a boy or a girl that are not as straightforward.

And as for suggesting that wanting a boy or girl denotes an immaturity that means you ought not to have children then I’d rather start that approach with circumstances and environments that imperil an unborn baby’s actual life.

I’ve always wanted a girl, then on the way to my scan suddenly had a huge longing for a little boy and hoped it was a boy. It was girl and I did feel a little sad.. for 10 minutes then I was fine and happy with whatever. Now I wouldn’t change her for the world.. or maybe the shrieking, yeah I’d change the constantly newly learnt shrieking.

Totally agree. Feel sorry for that little boy. Hope she changes her mind when she meets him.

@LolaSmiles

In the context of this discussion - gender disappointment - it is precisely not how most people who experience this feel, or fear they will not feel. How have you missed that? I've not missed anything. I was replying to posters asking why people would find out early when you can't change the outcome.

Most people don't find out early so they can process some deeply devastating emotions in case the baby is the wrong sex.
Some people will, and that's their issue to deal with

What I didn't get is how your 'I wanted a baby... they were going to be loved regardless' followed on from my reply to another poster saying I don't buy the big reveal, big surprise stuff as it doesn't matter when you find out, the baby is still the same sex

Unless you're incredibly hung up on one sex or another, it's really just another piece of information the sonographer can see about your baby, like head circumference and femur length.
I must say I also get a bit impatient with people who shriek about 'ruining the surprise' like you're some kind of joyless fun-sponge -- assuming you know you aren't pregnant with multiples, it'll be either a girl or a boy. Which is really not that surprising.
I totally agree with you.
But then everything has to be a big announcement or a huge surprise as some people live in a permanent state of emotional hyperbole. It's a bit boring to find out the baby's sex at whatever time you like and get on with life.

My comment about my babies being loved regardless of the sex / gender whatever I’m allowed to say was a general comment and not solely in relation to your contribution.

I stand by the assertion though that for those who experience an acute and devastating form of gender disappointment the fear at point of discovery - antenatally or when the baby is born - that they might not be able to love them or bond with them is for some very real. Whether you can acknowledge that or not.

And the point you’ve totally agreed with starts with “unless you are totally hung up or one sex or another”
Which some people are. Is a reality. Just not for you.

I have no real sympathy or understanding or time for it. But I accept that it is something that some women experience. I don’t need to poo poo them and ascribe other characteristics to them as a result of their feelings.

I have no real sympathy or understanding or time for it. But I accept that it is something that some women experience. I don’t need to poo poo them and ascribe other characteristics to them as a result of their feelings

This.

I know someone who had 12 miscarriages before successfully conceiving and going on to have a baby. She had a gender preference and was disappointed to learn that her baby was not that preferred gender, and also madly guilty that she felt like that, after a decade of trying to have a baby.

People always have their stories. I don't care how much 'I don't get it' I would cast no judgement on this. Women have enough to put up with.

I wanted a girl but we had a boy. The first thing I felt was disappointment. I wondered why I didn't have a girl. We knew two other people who were both expecting girls as well which made it harder. My mums hurtful comments about the fact she got the sex she wanted all 3 times didn't help either.
My husband struggled to understand why I felt the way I did. I have to live with the guilt every day, I love my son but I still sometimes wonder why we didn't have a girl.

I don't understand why you wondered why you didn't have a girl? It's a 50-50 chance. If you'd had a girl, would you have wondered why you didn't have a boy?

Devastated!!!!! Well she shouldn’t have gone into have a baby if she only wanted a girl.
I could understand her being slightly disheartened if this was last chance to hAve anymore she already had 3 boys and now she’s having a 4th, but not her first pregnancy. However like I said don’t have kids if they’re not happy with all boys or girls.
There’s absolutely no guarantee of getting what you want.
People get what theyre given.
I’m sure though the minute they put him in her arms all that nonsense “i didn’t want a boy I wanted a girl” will go straight out the window.

"I love my son but I still sometimes wonder why we didn't have a girl."

This is the part that makes me really sad, because even after having and knowing your son, you still wish he'd have been a girl.

It's one thing hoping for a gender and being disappointed before the baby arrives, but it's another thing once you raise your child saying that you wish they weren't what they are. I find that slightly horrifying and heartbreaking for the child.

People always have their stories. I don't care how much 'I don't get it' I would cast no judgement on this. Women have enough to put up with
Women do have a lot on their plates, but the frankly over the top levels of disappointment some people seem to have is such that it has to affect their parenting.

Nobody can be utterly devastated about having a son, so beside themselves that he isn't a girl, and it not affect the way they parent the child.

Same for those who are overjoyed they got the right sex when they had a girl because they want to do girly things. What happens when the child doesn't want to be their mum's living doll and play princesses and mum finds herself standing on the sides of a sports field doing the very thing she was apparently dreading if she had the misfortune of a son?

There's too many threads on here where adults share their negative feelings or experiences with their parents and what runs through a number of them is the sense that they only felt valued if they were the right sort of extension of their parents.

If people are genuinely totally devastated because their baby isn't the right variety then they should really be seeking counselling to get to the bottom of the issue before they pass their hangups onto their children

If people are genuinely totally devastated because their baby isn't the right variety then they should really be seeking counselling to get to the bottom of the issue

I agree. And the fact that they - for whatever reason - need help to manage the issue is exactly why I wouldn't judge them.

Gender disappointment is one of the few areas that MN seem to consider a free-for-all when it comes to judging and making some fairly unpleasant remarks about other women (not you, I mean generally). There can be complex and heartbreaking reasons why women have a strong gender preference, and being told that they're monsters for feeling like that (like they WANT to) is just awful.

Haven’t read full thread but I feel very sorry for the children who were “a gender disappointment” to their parent(s).

Nothing worse than watching the parent voice it loudly in a presence of their child.Heartbreaking.

There's nothing wrong with being disappointed, it doesn't cast the way we feel overall.

I met my OH online. I was disappointed he wasn't taller. So was he! It didn't stop us falling in love and finding each other amazing and glad we'd met.

It seems ok to be disappointed by many things 'Im so disappointed Rosie got Mrs Smith next year rather than Ms Brown, I know what you mean, I'm gutted too', but gender, oh, that's a crime.