To have no time for ‘gender disappointment’

[Dinosaur19]

Friend is having her first baby boy. Is ‘devastated’ as she ‘always wanted a girl’. AIBU to not understand this type of disappointment? Surely when you try for a baby you know that the odds are 50/50 and you should accept that or don’t have bloody kids. I have 2 DS so this pisses me off slightly.

But what about all those people who’s mental health has been affected by not being able to have children, losing a child etc who then have to listen to someone complain about how devastated they are to be having this when they wanted that. The mental health argument is valid on both sides.

Absolutely, both sides are totally valid, it not about 1 person being more depressed or having a more valid reason for mental health issues than another.

I can't bear it.

I grew up a child of gender disappointed parents.
My mum already had an older Dd from her first marriage, she and my dad really wanted a boy.

Guess what, I'm a girl. But they still gave me the boys name (it can be used as a girls name with a different spelling, they used the boys spellling), and brought be Up to be a 'Tom boy'.

I was the little girl who would only wear trousers, would only have my hair short, would only play with cars, hated dancing, hated pop music.

Only I wasn't. I longed for nice hair and to have nice clothes and dresses. But I had to act the part. Even now as an adult I don't wear make up or nice clothes as I'm fucked in the head from childhood.

My parents were extreme, they took it too far. But I've seen people do that with boys when they really wanted girls too. It's very damaging.

@FluffyPurple

But what about all those people who’s mental health has been affected by not being able to have children, losing a child etc who then have to listen to someone complain about how devastated they are to be having this when they wanted that. The mental health argument is valid on both sides.

Absolutely, both sides are totally valid, it not about 1 person being more depressed or having a more valid reason for mental health issues than another.

Are you actually, seriously claiming that having a 'mental health issue' due to having a baby with the genitalia you didn't want is 'just as valid' as depression due to infertility or the loss of a child? Really, actually?!

@majesticallyawkward

I think this is a symptom of much deeper problems in society. The notion of 'pink' or 'blue' really bothers me because a baby is pigeon holed from before birth into outdated stereotypes of what they are expected to be. I have little sympathy for anyone devastated because their baby is the 'wrong' sex.

I despise seeing babies overly gendered, little girls in impractical and truly hideous frills and glitter, given dolls and prams and makeup to play with or little boys in all blue with trucks and diggers and tools because it's 'manly'. They are then given these messages throughout their formative years over and over.
IME the new parents devastated they are having a boy (because it's more often a boy they don't want) go on to talk about how they always saw a girl they could dress up and do girly things with. Why does a girl automatically mean pretty dresses and makeup.

My DH had a preference for a daughter, but when our dc2 was born and we saw he was a boy DH was overjoyed! He admitted he was nervous about having a son but when he actually thought about it we are raising the children and they are shaped by us so their genitals make very little difference to their personalities or how we interact with them (except for nappies, positioning was a learning curve there). A friend said she was gutted her baby, who was very much wanted and the result of IVF, was a boy because she wouldn't get the buy pretty dresses...

👏👏👏 couldn't agree more

YANBU op. I avoid those threads now because they annoy me and it is always, always disappointment with boys. Always. It makes me so sad. If we have such low expectations of boys before they are even born, what chance to they have?

I have a lovely friend who I am very close to but when she visited me to meet my brand new DS she told me repeatedly how incredibly happy she was to have a girl and how gutted she would have been to have a boy etc etc. She went on and on. I was stunned but thankfully too newly post-natal to react. We are still friends but to this day I'm still taken aback that nice people consider boys so awful that they'll tell you to your face as you hold your perfect 2 day old in your arms.

Some people in a due date group I was in said they would abort if it was the wrong gender, that is sick as fuck in my opinion.

But I can understand gender disappointment, part of me will be disappointed whatever the gender of this baby because it means I wont have the other. The other, larger, part will be excited for what I do have.

I would assume she's never left a scan weeping and been bundled quickly into the "quiet room" in front of a row of other pregnant women looking on in pity.

She's very fortunate to have the luxury of being disappointed by the genitals of her healthy baby.

But my disappointment is mainly that I have chosen awesome names for a girl and boy and we're only having one child.

That's really sad, @WankPuffins. I always hope that the posters on the 'but I neeeeed a daughter' threads don't get one because it makes me feel really sad to think of their son who they apparently then don't need to bother with because they won't have a close relationship with them as an adult and they'll have boring boy interests anyway, don't you know? I've seen it the other way round, too - the daughter ignored for the much wanted son - and either way it's horrible and normally does the child of the 'right' sex no more good than it does their sibling of the 'wrong' one.

Are you actually, seriously claiming that having a 'mental health issue' due to having a baby with the genitalia you didn't want is 'just as valid' as depression due to infertility or the loss of a child? Really, actually?!

I've seen serious depression and gender disappointment BECAUSE of the terrible loss of a child. A previous posted has linked their GD with serious trauma in their past. It isn't so black and white, all mental health issues are important and valid.

I experienced it so I know how you feel. It was my first baby.
I'd never find out the sex until the birth as I think it's far nicer to find out when your baby is right there not just on a screen.
I wanted a girl but we had a boy. The first thing I felt was disappointment. I wondered why I didn't have a girl. We knew two other people who were both expecting girls as well which made it harder. My mums hurtful comments about the fact she got the sex she wanted all 3 times didn't help either.
My husband struggled to understand why I felt the way I did. I have to live with the guilt every day, I love my son but I still sometimes wonder why we didn't have a girl.
It's not easy but it does get easier.
There will always be people who don't understand. But unless you've experienced it it's very difficult to understand how it feels. Try not to be so rude and judgemental when you don't understand it at all

@FluffyPurple

It's sad we live in a world where people are so dismissive of mental health issues still. Many people have depression due to gender disappointment.

Many people should not be ttc if they are so set on having a certain sex that it causes them to be ill if they don't get what they want.

@TaVeryMuchLove both are valid mental health issues. But a person who admits to gender disappointment is hung out to dry. They are hormonal at this point, and just need a little bit of a hand hold. Nobody’chooses’ to feel , you feel whatever you feel. once they hold their child it doesn’t matter.

The same could be said if someone has a good job, supporting family and no money worries, but are depressed... less people would say shut up moaning your life is fine.

I love my son but I still sometimes wonder why we didn't have a girl. It's not easy but it does get easier.

Reading your post, the person I really feel bad for is your son. What do you think would have been so different or so much better if you’d had a girl instead?

@happymummy12345

I experienced it so I know how you feel. It was my first baby. I'd never find out the sex until the birth as I think it's far nicer to find out when your baby is right there not just on a screen. I wanted a girl but we had a boy. The first thing I felt was disappointment. I wondered why I didn't have a girl. We knew two other people who were both expecting girls as well which made it harder. My mums hurtful comments about the fact she got the sex she wanted all 3 times didn't help either. My husband struggled to understand why I felt the way I did. I have to live with the guilt every day, I love my son but I still sometimes wonder why we didn't have a girl. It's not easy but it does get easier. There will always be people who don't understand. But unless you've experienced it it's very difficult to understand how it feels. Try not to be so rude and judgemental when you don't understand it at all

Your experience is very common, your feelings are totally valid, I'm so sorry you've been treated badly by others, mental health awareness is on the rise but clearly we still have a long way to go based on this thread!

@majesticallyawkward

I think this is a symptom of much deeper problems in society. The notion of 'pink' or 'blue' really bothers me because a baby is pigeon holed from before birth into outdated stereotypes of what they are expected to be. I have little sympathy for anyone devastated because their baby is the 'wrong' sex.

I despise seeing babies overly gendered, little girls in impractical and truly hideous frills and glitter, given dolls and prams and makeup to play with or little boys in all blue with trucks and diggers and tools because it's 'manly'. They are then given these messages throughout their formative years over and over.
IME the new parents devastated they are having a boy (because it's more often a boy they don't want) go on to talk about how they always saw a girl they could dress up and do girly things with. Why does a girl automatically mean pretty dresses and makeup.

My DH had a preference for a daughter, but when our dc2 was born and we saw he was a boy DH was overjoyed! He admitted he was nervous about having a son but when he actually thought about it we are raising the children and they are shaped by us so their genitals make very little difference to their personalities or how we interact with them (except for nappies, positioning was a learning curve there). A friend said she was gutted her baby, who was very much wanted and the result of IVF, was a boy because she wouldn't get the buy pretty dresses...

100% this. I remember one of the school mums had kept all of her sons outgrown wooden brio train sets to one side then gave them away when she found out she was expecting a girl. Baffled me.

@happymummy12345 maybe the way to achieve that is to keep your thoughts and feelings to yourself rather than parade them in public asking for understanding and sympathy for your great disappointment?

@happymummy12345

I experienced it so I know how you feel. It was my first baby. I'd never find out the sex until the birth as I think it's far nicer to find out when your baby is right there not just on a screen. I wanted a girl but we had a boy. The first thing I felt was disappointment. I wondered why I didn't have a girl. We knew two other people who were both expecting girls as well which made it harder. My mums hurtful comments about the fact she got the sex she wanted all 3 times didn't help either. My husband struggled to understand why I felt the way I did. I have to live with the guilt every day, I love my son but I still sometimes wonder why we didn't have a girl. It's not easy but it does get easier. There will always be people who don't understand. But unless you've experienced it it's very difficult to understand how it feels. Try not to be so rude and judgemental when you don't understand it at all

I personally think it’s rude to express your absolute horror at having a son, to the mother of two sons

My parents were extreme, they took it too far. But I've seen people do that with boys when they really wanted girls too. It's very damaging.

@wankpuffins, I'm so sorry you went through that. I was what people called a 'Tom boy', and my mother hated it. I was the firstborn daughter and she wanted a clone of herself. I was the complete opposite, and was made to feel there was something wrong with me for not liking dolls, makeup and ballet lessons. If gender ideology had been as prevalent as it is now, there's no doubt in my mind I would have been convinced I was 'born wrong'. Sadly, a lot of parents who wanted the opposite sex are taking full advantage of this new era of gender politics.

Its extremely damaging, and we are seeing the affects of it currently ripping through society. The worst thing is, people are positively applauding it, medicating children over it, happily destroying lives over the importance of recognising 'gender' over reality.

Just because you've never experienced it doesn't make it not real.

You're a pretty crappy friend if you can't empathise, even if you don't feel the same.

My friend is depressed at work. Should I slag her off because I'm happy not working?

She's hurting. You should support her, not slag her off on social media. I'm sure she'll feel better once he's here.

We had been told we would never have dc. When ds1 showed up (a decade later) we were over the moon. When I got pg again three years later with ds2 we could not believe our luck.

MIL’s reaction?

Oh Catherine, couldn’t you have tried for a girl?

Needless to say we are not close.

I agree with you, Dinosaur, but she'll be fine when her baby is born.

I always hope that the posters on the 'but I neeeeed a daughter' threads don't get one because it makes me feel really sad to think of their son

And also sad for the daughter who undoubtedly has massive expectations to live up to in order to fulfil the set idea about what having a little girl means to the parent.

I experienced it so I know how you feel. It was my first baby. I'd never find out the sex until the birth as I think it's far nicer to find out when your baby is right there not just on a screen. I wanted a girl but we had a boy. The first thing I felt was disappointment.

And you don't think that it might have been 'nicer' to get past your feelings about your baby's sex months before your baby was actually born by finding out its sex, so that the first thing you felt when you actually met your baby wasn't disappointment?

@justanotherneighinparadise

To my mind they’re spoilt princesses who are used to getting their own way and can’t cope with not getting their own way. It’s the equivalent of a foot stamp and most of the time it comes down to something incredibly shallow like clothes 🙄

Agreed. It always seems to be the princessy-types who are “disappointed” about having a healthy baby boy. You can tell they are a bit thick because it is the sex they are disappointed by, not the sex. Although I bet they have “sex disappointment” too.

I blame sex scans, tbh. We didn’t have this nonsense when you didn’t find out what it was until it was born.