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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL pretty much confirmed she hates me

736 replies

whitenoise123 · 07/12/2020 09:47

First time poster here but really need advice. I’m a first time mum to a 3 month old baby boy. We usually visit DPs family every Sunday and go for a walk, have dinner there etc. DPs family have never been super friendly to me but I accepted that they might not have much in common with me so let it go. However, since having DS his mum has been unbearable. She pretty much ignores me now and is only interested in the baby.

I’m always polite to them even though I don’t get much back from them. When we leaving last night DS was crying in his car seat so I got in the car quickly to try to settle him down. DP then started saying I didn’t say bye to them even though I had.

Anyway I admitted I maybe should try harder with them so sent DPs Mum a message apologising if I have offended them. I then received this message back from her

We have noticed that not just today you rarely say bye or thank you.I have tried to help out with getting things for ......... food,meals and try to make you feel welcome when you visit.It does not cost anything to be civil and good manners are important in my opinion.I did not say anything this evening it was ..... who asked ........ if you were all right.At least you have reflected on the situation, apology accepted.

I have no idea what to do now going forward

OP posts:

HairyAnon · 07/12/2020 09:51

Well the biggest thing that stands out to me is that you dont feel comfortable with his family and yet you have been spending an entire Sunday there, every week for presumably quite a long time?

I wouldn't be happy seeing my in laws weekly, let alone an entire weekend day, and let alone if they didnt make me feel welcome.

How often do you see your family? Why have you been going every week if you feel uncomfortable there?

Objectively, are there times when you may have not said thank you for things shes done, or not?

FelicityPike · 07/12/2020 09:53

Stop going! Tell your DP to go by himself with baby.

Either that or go and kill them with kindness! Be so OTT and saccharine sweet that it’s nauseatingly extreme.

Gamble66 · 07/12/2020 09:56

Stop going

PrincessMaryaBolkonskaya · 07/12/2020 09:56

Oh my goodness, how can you tolerate seeing your in laws every week? Send DH with or without baby.

Sexnotgender · 07/12/2020 09:56

Well it’s not ideal but if you don’t display basic manners then what do you expect?

My brother had a long term girlfriend who NEVER said please or thank you. Doesn’t exactly endear you.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 07/12/2020 09:56

Talk to your DP!

Tell him how you see it and ask if he sees any of it or if he just thinks you are the one being rude, standoffish etc.

I had something of a revelation when I did this - DH very quickly came to realise it was not all me - and we managed much better after that!

And yes, a whole day every week with them. Why? When will this end so you and your DP and DC can start your own Sunday tradition of walks, luch etc? Or wil you be spending the best part of your family time with them forever?

Do you see your family all day on Saturdays? If not why not? And why is it different for ILs?

Original poster

whitenoise123 · 07/12/2020 09:58

Thank you for replying. Yes we usually spend all day there most weeks. DP and I tested positive a few weeks ago so we obviously didn’t see them when we isolating so that was a nice break from them. Even so DP FaceTimed them every night with DS which I didn’t really mind as it gave me time to get jobs done in the house.

My mum usually comes around every week but just for a few hours and never tries to take over with DS.

I admit that sometimes I might have forgotten to properly thank them for the things they do but usually I’m trying to settle the baby down.

OP posts:

LubaLuca · 07/12/2020 09:59

I don't think she's saying she hates you, just that you've sometimes appeared a bit rude. I think by accepting your apology she's clearing the air in the hope that you'll all be friendly. Your husband thought you were rude too, so it isn't just her being touchy. It's maybe not intentional, but they're all not hearing you go through the expected pleasantries, so you've got to take the hint.

MagicMojito · 07/12/2020 09:59

Why spend so much time with them? You don't seem to like them, they seem really judgemental towards you, why bother? Lifes too short imo 🤷‍♀️

Its perfectly possible for your dh and child to have a relationship with them whilst you keep a polite distance. Yes you may come across as a bit distant/rude but they think that already, may aswell make it easier on yourself and not have to spend time with them

HairyAnon · 07/12/2020 10:00

Personally I think DP facetiming his mum every day is excessive.

You havent answered the question though: why do you go to theirs every week? Why dont you spend Sundays with your mum?

KatieGGGG · 07/12/2020 10:01

That doesn’t mean she hates you, just she found you standoffish.

I would be too if I had to go to my in-laws every Sunday?!

If it’s your partner’s tradition that’s fine, he can go himself or with DC. Set some boundaries and I can almost promise you you’ll be more social when it’s once a month instead of once a week!

HallieKnight · 07/12/2020 10:01

She did say she hates you, she said she's noticed YOU hate HER despite her efforts.

RealMermaid · 07/12/2020 10:04

Honestly it doesn't sound like you're totally innocent in this. Maybe the reason they've not been friendly towards you is because they feel you come across as rude. Do you try to help out while you're there? If I were you I would try to make a real effort for a couple of months to mind my manners and be helpful while visiting (offering to clear the table, assist with washing up etc) and see if that improves things. If it doesn't, fair enough you can just write them off. But I have friends who really take the piss when they're over to visit and expect to be waited on hand and foot without ever offering to help out and it does wind me up a bit, so if they're hosting you every weekend and they don't feel you make an effort to help out and be polite then I can understand that's going to affect your relationship.

WhySoSensitive · 07/12/2020 10:04

‘No worries MIL, I won’t be coming round anymore as I’ve never felt comfortable in your company anyways, enjoy your visits with DH and DS’

... that may or may not also be exactly what I would love to send to mine.
I’d cut your personal contact and leave to your DH.
As I remind myself regularly - it’s my husbands family, not mine.

ttigerlilly · 07/12/2020 10:04

I would definitely not be happy with spending every single Sunday with my ILs, especially when my baby was only 3 months old... that is a really special time and in my opinion weekly visits are too much.

BrumBoo · 07/12/2020 10:04

Can't see the part where they 'hate you', just taking your message as an opportunity to clear the air. They find you rude. You can accept that or not, depending if you agree that you do forget basic manners at times. This is a difficult one, as it feels only hearing one side of things wouldn't give the full picture.

Viviennemary · 07/12/2020 10:04

Stop going. You obviously see it as a chore and your mil has picked up on that. But going every week for hours is too much to ask.

Original poster

whitenoise123 · 07/12/2020 10:05

It’s just become the done thing I think to see them on a Sunday. It’s difficult as my own dad is shielding so we can’t go round to my mum and dads. I lack confidence so I struggle to create boundaries with them so I just go along with things to keep the peace. I’m only 24 so I think they see me as a child as well who doesn’t get a say in things

OP posts:

Spied · 07/12/2020 10:05

What you need to do is tell DP that you're not visiting your mil every Sunday.
He can go when he wants but you don't need to go and I'd not be comfortable him taking dc ever week either.

crosspelican · 07/12/2020 10:05

Yikes - a whole day every week and they're not even your in-laws? Are you and your partner getting married?

I would be inclined to go at it from both sides - it does seem as though you are not being polite or gracious enough in their home. So I would turn up the volume on that signifantly.

These situations can spiral - it sounds like this one already has, with your partner's mother gradually paying less and less attention to you and only engaging with the baby. I speak from personal experience with my MIL - if you let this carry on it will be harder to salvage, and she could well be in your life for a very long time.

It's not your place really to decide what is polite "enough" - in their home, you should do your level best to meet their expectations. That's basic manners.

On the other hand, I would dramatically scale back on those visits! They must be EXHAUSTING. Your partner can pop over with the baby on a Sunday morning to let you have a lie in and some peace and quiet, and be back in time for lunch, and then once a month, you can all go over as a family and spend the day with them.

It will be a lot easier to be a model of perfect manners if it's just once a month. I'm not sure I could do it weekly. You're a saint for doing it as long as you have!

Spied · 07/12/2020 10:06

Start forming some boundaries.

BIWI · 07/12/2020 10:06

She doesn't hate you! Actually I think she's been very good to accept your apology but also tell you that you've been rude to her - and that's probably hurtful to her. She hasn't sat on it and festered, but she's been honest.

And saying that you have to deal with your baby? I'm sorry - that's a ridiculous excuse. How hard is it, as an adult, to remember to say please/thank you/hello/goodbye?

You have been rude. But at least you now know.

LouiseTrees · 07/12/2020 10:07

@whitenoise123

My mum usually comes around every week but just for a few hours and never tries to take over with DS.

I admit that sometimes I might have forgotten to properly thank them for the things they do but usually I’m trying to settle the baby down.

Just say “ I absolutely don’t mean to be like that and I’ll try harder. It’s just that I feel like I’m watching you guys take the baby and I’m like it’s my baby why did I have to give him over. Irrational I know but hormones seem to affect me in that way. It’s difficult with a young baby”

BrumBoo · 07/12/2020 10:08

I lack confidence so I struggle to create boundaries with them so I just go along with things to keep the peace.

@whitenoise123 - you've posted about this before, haven't you?

No one on MN can stop you being a wet lettuce, or find your backbone. If you don't want to go every week, then don't. I'd even tell you inlaws that you're sorry you've come over as rude, but you've been finding the visits too much and hard to engage. Therefore you'll cut down visits, though obviously your partner will visit as he pleases.

GoldfishParade · 07/12/2020 10:09

How old is he? Fuck that. If he wants to call his mummy every day and spending every weekend with him then that's his prerogative but you should stop going weekly. That's crazy. Your MIL sounds like an entitled cow and I would text back saying "I'm sorry you feel that way x" and then just stop going bar big birthdays

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