It is the job of your DH to help you figure out he family dynamics and adjust to it.
And it’s also his job to help his family figure you out and help you adjust in his family life comfortably and feel respected.
His job is either made harder by his mother’s attitude to life or by the fact he is irresponsible and lazy and doesn’t see the need to ensure you are comfortable or because he is confused and clueless and you have been giving him mixed signals that you are completely feeling fine around his family..
You don’t have a job to mend his relationships with his family nor do you have a job to do the mental work of maintaining a strong tie between him and his family nor do you have a job to pander to his parents and second guess yourself whenever they seem disappointed with their son or your family..
Your job is simple. Just don’t proactively try to obstruct the relationship they have with their son unfairly and unjustifiably abs stick within the boundaries of fairness abs respect.
Anymore efforts instigated by you will confuse your husband into assuming that you are already feeling totally comfortable around his family and he won’t do his job if actually trying to do the mental work of it all..
Just be yourself. Look after yourself. And be kind at heart whixh Im sure you are.
When someone blames you for the outcome of that, redirect the responsibility at your DH
“Oh, DH never told me in your family you consider not saying bye loud enough is taken so personally. In my family we arent that formal. I’ll ask him to communicate with me those things better next time.. at the end of the day, I’m still trying to work out how your family is from an outsider perspective”.
Look after you.
Let DH worry about his parents and their relationship with grandchild abs their tantrums.
And if he isn’t good at doing that.. remind him every now and then by using your family as an example.
“My mum likes me to call her every few days, do you think your mum might like you to do the same?”
But don’t do it for him. And don’t even feel obliged. It’s between her and her son how secure of a bond they have together. You don’t need to worry about her or even give that impression..
She will start assuming that you see her as a mother figure and she will resume her desciplinaru parental side at you whixh isn’t pleasant when it’s not coming from a place of love.
If a relationship is to develop into further intimacy between you and his family, it wouldn’t be impeded by the fact you were looking after your well-being as a new mother with injuries and that you didn’t act as a secretary to take on their sons duties and that you didn’t guess what’s on their minds.. it would be impeded if there is acts of unfairness abs hostility like your mother in laws text..
It takes efforts from both sides and the willingness to put that in.
Right now there is no willingness because they get the impression that you are totally invested in them as a family and that they’re so cool and their ego is really huge with all this pandering
Not all relationships inspire empathy in us and sometimes people do struggle with empathy when their emotions are clouded with things like being protective of their pack against stranger/outsiders abs so you would find many mothers in law are acting on impulse to protect their family dynamic against you unless they feel like they know you.. which takes time..
So until the relationship naturally develops.. I wouldn’t invest much emotional energy in what she thinks of you.. how to impress her..
I would be more concerned with sticking to boundaries and supporting DH maintain healthy relationships and communication with them if that’s what he wants and aside from that ... stay true to myself and honor my own feelings in that relationship until in laws finally mellow..
And if they’re unwilling to put the effort then.. their loss.. and your DH if he is desperate to form a relationship then he can direct them on how to behave in a way that’s fair to you.
Sounds like he is taking the passive backseat because you are instigating all the kindness towards his family and taking that mental load off him and he was reaping all the Benefit of that - on his own- so what would make him sense that he needs to step up for that responsibility??
I’m not saying to be mean.. but just simoly be yourself and STOP putting effort and stop hoping to fit in.