MIL pretty much confirmed she hates me

[whitenoise123]

First time poster here but really need advice. I’m a first time mum to a 3 month old baby boy. We usually visit DPs family every Sunday and go for a walk, have dinner there etc. DPs family have never been super friendly to me but I accepted that they might not have much in common with me so let it go. However, since having DS his mum has been unbearable. She pretty much ignores me now and is only interested in the baby.

I’m always polite to them even though I don’t get much back from them. When we leaving last night DS was crying in his car seat so I got in the car quickly to try to settle him down. DP then started saying I didn’t say bye to them even though I had.

Anyway I admitted I maybe should try harder with them so sent DPs Mum a message apologising if I have offended them. I then received this message back from her

We have noticed that not just today you rarely say bye or thank you.I have tried to help out with getting things for ......... food,meals and try to make you feel welcome when you visit.It does not cost anything to be civil and good manners are important in my opinion.I did not say anything this evening it was ..... who asked ........ if you were all right.At least you have reflected on the situation, apology accepted.

I have no idea what to do now going forward

We do live in England and even during the first lockdown I’m embarrassed to say we were breaking lockdown rules by going to see them as DP obviously couldn’t just not see them. Even though I didn’t see my own mum from March-July when I was pregnant

@whitenoise123

We do live in England and even during the first lockdown I’m embarrassed to say we were breaking lockdown rules by going to see them as DP obviously couldn’t just not see them. Even though I didn’t see my own mum from March-July when I was pregnant

time to put your foot down then

Bloody hell OP. You didn't see your own mum but saw them?

You, your DP and your in-laws need to all give your heads a wobble.

Why "obviously"? That's insane. What do you think would happen if you told DP that you would like to start doing things as a family (you him and baby) on Sundays?

Well, based on that last update, I’m out. I haven’t spent the last ten months avoiding my family to offer free advice to people who’ve been breaking the law in lockdown and spreading el virus. 😂

How do other people find you? This might be a fairly good indicator of if you are rude or not.

Honestly it all sounds like a lot of hard work. I'd stop going tbh. DP can take the baby you see them at the holidays/ important days. I think I'd have a face like a slapped arse if I spent a whole day of my weekend watching my baby be passed around every week. Start a hobby on a Sunday so you have a nice excuse. Say things like it's great to have a break / recharge your batteries/ catch up on housework. Lovely for in laws to have a chance to bond without me hovering :) Supersweet.

Ah op
Virtual hug to you. Your DP needs to intervene and support you here. It all seems to be his way. Going to mums every Sunday to watch sky sports. Come on!!

When I first married dh he used to bring me to his mother's for dinner each Sunday and he would spend Saturday there too. I nearly left him at one stage.

Now I let him go with the dc. I get a much needed break. I like mil but she is not my mother and its not my home. Break the mould here. Let dh bring baby. Not all day but for an hour or two.

You have a DH problem. No need to go each Sunday. You need family time too. Once a month is fine and perfectly normal.

@whitenoise123 I get a feeling she thinks you should be falling over yourself to be grateful for every crumb she throws your way.

I remember once asking my MIL if it was possible for her to attach a blackout curtain lining to the pale pink curtains in their now married daughter's old bedroom where we put a travel cot for Ds to take a nap in and her response was that was a lot of hard work. My reply was so was the 3 hour + drive to come up to see them with a 6 month old.

Your Dp needs to talk to her. Like I said, talk to him first before responding to her.

I think I just really didn’t expect that reply from her tbh. I grew up in a Christian family and although that annoyed me at times, my Mum is just so lovely because she believes so much in forgiveness. So I think I just expect other people to be the same

I also agree every Sunday is too much. How far away are they?

She took the opportunity to let rip in reply to your text.
Maybe this is a good opportunity to clear the air tell her your bugbears.
Don't go every week you don't have too.
I doubt she hates you she isn't being fair either.
I wouldn't like that someone never said thank you I'd except it was their way and not hold it against them.
It sounds like your all walking on new territory.
Don't stress about it.❤
We all have head bangs with newborns i did with MIL on my first all forgotten we get on great.

@whitenoise123

You've had a few good ideas here. So what is your plan going to be next?

Reading this thread, it's clear why so many MNers have mysteriously hostile in-laws...

I wouldn't be apologising again.

I certainly wouldn't be sending a message thatI would "try harder".

If they've never been "super friendly", how have you got into this routine?

You say that you are civil but she says not?

Your partner seems to be downright lying!

Go when you want to, make sure that you say please & thank you & offer to help with the meal/the aftermath.

@GoldfishParade I think I’ll ask DP what to do once he has finished work. I don’t know whether it is best just to leave it or to send a nice reply and try to be the bigger person

Tone down the weekly visits.....give them a chance to miss you and you a chance to miss them, I would also start to get ratty and short tempered and not display to my best having weekend free time cut in half every sodding week. Maybe if you all saw a little less of each other, you would appreciate and enjoy the time together more. DP needs to cut the apron strings and detach a bit from mummy. Sorry, I know that sounds harsh and theres absolutely nothing wrong with having a close and loving realtionship with your parents, but he sounds a little too enmeshed and you guys need to build a family life and social life of your own with friends and people your own age....its the natural and healthy way of things. The relationship with his parents seems to dominate which may be something that you (maybe even subconciously) resent. Maybe DP's mother also slightly resents always having to take you on as a package deal? Maybe sometimes she would appreciate a little one on one time with her son? In any case, I think withdrawing a little may be the answer and give this relationship the balance and perspective it needs. Good luck xx

Is she telling the truth? Because if she is its not her thats the problem?!

So you dont think the problem is that their relationship with you has been ruined because you are rude to them? You think the problem is that they arent Christian enough to just forgive your rudeness and treat you nicely anyway?

It sounds as if you have been quite rude OP. It doesn't take any time or effort say please and thank you. She is quite rude and aggressive to have a go at you though and I wonder what she hopes to achieve . I think if my in-laws spoke to me like that I probably wouldn't visit too often in the future. Suggest to your DH that he goes by himself with your baby for an hour or so at the weekend.

Do they say please and thank you to each other and to you? I mean I would always say thank you for a cup of tea for example, but what are they talking about?

I think it would be weird to expect to behave differently to the rest of the family if they do.

The reply you got was extremely rude IMO, even if youhad been a bit rude. I mean, you are there for their and your DP's benefit, giving up your Sundays. You're not there for the free tea are you?

[quote whitenoise123]@GoldfishParade I think I’ll ask DP what to do once he has finished work. I don’t know whether it is best just to leave it or to send a nice reply and try to be the bigger person[/quote]
@whitenoise123 so despite all the advice, you're still going down the wet lettuce, appease everyone else route? I really dont understand threads like this, why ask for advice if you're not going to take any of it on board?

Just send her a grovelling apology, enjoy the next lifetime of watching Sky every Sunday and be done with it .

Wait until dh gets in but be prepared that he might take his mum's side. Just say to him that it's clear you don't click. That your child was crying and you wanted to comfort them. Mixed wires. Have break from them for a while. Maybe ring your own mum for advice?

I don't think you come across as rude OP you come across as shy. MIL has obviously spoken to your DH before about you not saying goodbye which I suspect is why he brought it up. I think your DH is the lynchpin here - they are his parents and he needs to tackle this. It sounds excessive spending the whole day there and I know exactly how it feels when they sit in front of the tv all day been there done that and it's awful. Maybe whilst you are there you can take the baby out for a walk to give yourself a break? Possibly just go for lunch or a couple of hours using the baby's routine as an excuse to get back earlier.

I also think DH needs to stand up for you a bit more - you were busy with an unsettled baby not just rudely walking off.

As for MIL maybe text back putting your side - you didn't mean to appear rude you were dealing with the baby, maybe explain some things you want to tell her about how she makes you feel. But overall tell your DH how you feel, if he wants to break lockdown or FaceTime every day let home but that does not have to include you. If you don't want to go every week tell him.