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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL pretty much confirmed she hates me

736 replies

whitenoise123 · 07/12/2020 09:47

First time poster here but really need advice. I’m a first time mum to a 3 month old baby boy. We usually visit DPs family every Sunday and go for a walk, have dinner there etc. DPs family have never been super friendly to me but I accepted that they might not have much in common with me so let it go. However, since having DS his mum has been unbearable. She pretty much ignores me now and is only interested in the baby.

I’m always polite to them even though I don’t get much back from them. When we leaving last night DS was crying in his car seat so I got in the car quickly to try to settle him down. DP then started saying I didn’t say bye to them even though I had.

Anyway I admitted I maybe should try harder with them so sent DPs Mum a message apologising if I have offended them. I then received this message back from her

We have noticed that not just today you rarely say bye or thank you.I have tried to help out with getting things for ......... food,meals and try to make you feel welcome when you visit.It does not cost anything to be civil and good manners are important in my opinion.I did not say anything this evening it was ..... who asked ........ if you were all right.At least you have reflected on the situation, apology accepted.

I have no idea what to do now going forward

OP posts:

RaspberryCoulis · 07/12/2020 10:53

I don't think you come across as rude OP you come across as shy.

You have absolutely no way of knowing this. Of course the OP isn't going to hold her hands up and admit to being rude.

Original poster

whitenoise123 · 07/12/2020 10:53

I think it’s hard because I can see the situation from her point of view. I do always try to help out when I’m there by washing up and putting things away etc. But I also think she should try to include me a bit more. Sometimes I have nothing to add to the conversation as they only talk about football or talk about people I don’t know

OP posts:

DianeChambers · 07/12/2020 10:53

I think it ia the height of rudeness to invite and expect people round at your home for a full day every sunday and the entertainment is football on the tv. I would Not put up with that at all.

My mil was rude and abrupt with me for a few years. Ignored my birthday for a few years. Was rude about me to dh. My dh was absolutely a problem at this time too. I didnt bend to her will at all. Nor did i take the blame for my dh’s lack of effort. Eventually she messaged me and said she had come to realise there was no point discussing anything with my dh (as he will agree to anything but wont actually follow through) and she needed to come straight to me with arrangements. She is like a different person now and I get awesome Christmas and birthday presents .

DianeChambers · 07/12/2020 10:54

@whitenoise123

Does your dp also help out by washing up and putting away?

GabriellaMontez · 07/12/2020 10:54

So hard to judge this situation based on your short description.

Things that stand out.

You go too often and spend to long there while you're there.

A long reprimand via text from your MIL doesnt sit well with me. It's not the way to have a serious, adult conversation. It sounds quite superior and perhaps a little bullying.

I wouldn't be 'trying harder' or being a bigger person. I'd be trying to communicate more honestly with your dp.

Calmandmeasured1 · 07/12/2020 10:55

As your DH commented that you didn't say bye and your MIL responded that you rarely say bye or thank you, you are clearly the one at fault.

Why did you send a text asking if you've offended them? I would have just sent a text (or better still, quickly phoned) and said 'Truly sorry DMIL, but DH pointed out I didn't say bye to you. I didn't realise as I was preoccupied settling DS. There was no offence meant and thank you for the lovely dinner.'

I do think spending the whole day there is excessive, although see no problem with a weekly visit. Perhaps cut it down to a couple of hours.

The MN way always seems to be to go low contact or no contact which I think is a juvenile response unless someone is abusive to you. For people who like to chat on an anonymous forum, many seem to be very poor at communication in real life.

I would try to improve the relationship by spending less time there but making more effort to be friendly and exercise good manners while you are there. Accept you haven't been well-mannered in the past, apologise and just say you didn't realise and then try harder. I am pretty sure you wouldn't like it if your DH didn't say bye or thank you to your parents.

Why do you feel you don't have much in common with your MIL?

Iris5543 · 07/12/2020 10:55

Every Sunday......break this now! 50% of your weekend with them...Jesus.

I’d be sending DH for an hour.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 07/12/2020 10:56

So she thinks you've been rude. You'll doubtless know yourself whether or not that perception is justified - and if it is there's some fault on both sides here - but with that reply she has IMO immediately put herself in the wrong by being even more rude.

I think this takes the biscuit for the most ungracious 'acceptance' of any apology I've seen. In fact, it's not an acceptance at all, but simply a well-timed opportunity to put you firmly in your place. A queenly rebuke like this is hardly the ideal response to someone's conciliatory gesture. Nor is it exactly a clever move given you are the mother of her grandchild, call all the shots respecting that relationship, and on these grounds at least are entitled to some respect.

To start with I'd cut back somewhat on the very frequent contact being maintained here. Familiarity has an unfortunate habit of breeding contempt. If your DH is also going to be critical of your interaction with his mother, then there's an easy solution to that, too. Let him take ownership of managing the relationship between your child and his mother.

You teach people how to treat you, OP. She may see you as rude but that response to a well-meaning apology was extremely rude in its turn. If good manners were as important to her as she claims, she should perhaps have reflected on that before pressing 'send' on that message.

Honeyroar · 07/12/2020 10:56

Her message was honest, but it was also pretty cold, blunt and slightly rude. If you can, I’d try to address that. Tell her you’re sorry that you come across like that but you always feel pretty uncomfortable and slightly unwelcome when visiting them, so perhaps that’s why you come across awkward and rude. Say that you’re not sure how to move forward - perhaps you should not visit quite as often so everyone gets a bit of space?

GoldfishParade · 07/12/2020 10:56

Why are you going to ask your DP what to do? OP you are a 24 year old WOMAN not a girl.

In an ideal world, instinctively, what would you like to do next?

Brefugee · 07/12/2020 10:57

gosh take the time for yourself (not housework - for yourself) and send DP on his own. You could go every couple of months or so, and don't forget to be polite because it does sound as though you haven't been as polite as you could.

I'd send one more message saying sorry they think you've been rude and then leave it at that.

Hardbackwriter · 07/12/2020 10:58

@Velvian

Do they say please and thank you to each other and to you? I mean I would always say thank you for a cup of tea for example, but what are they talking about?

I think it would be weird to expect to behave differently to the rest of the family if they do.

The reply you got was extremely rude IMO, even if youhad been a bit rude. I mean, you are there for their and your DP's benefit, giving up your Sundays. You're not there for the free tea are you?

If you don't want to be in a social situation then you don't go, you don't go and then expect everyone to be so grateful that you did that you can be as churlish as you like.

Helendee · 07/12/2020 11:00

Simple really, see your in-laws less frequently, be polite to each other when you’re together and let your partner see his family as he wishes. He absolutely should not have to choose between you.

Calledyoulastnightfromglasgow · 07/12/2020 11:01

Are you rude though? Do you engage in chat? Or sit on your phone? Do you say thanks?

That you go every weekend is another matter

Notverygrownup · 07/12/2020 11:01

I like Lazylump's message, but perhaps change it to be more positive, and use this as an opportunity for a fresh start:

Thank you so much for taking the chance to open this up. I am so sorry that I have come across as rude in the past. I certainly haven't meant to and really do appreciate all that you do for us.

I do find it rather difficult sitting watching football for a long time. Perhaps when the weather is brighter you and I can take the baby out for a walk and a coffee together, and fit in a trip to x too? (And I may take the opportunity to send dp around to you occasionally, and have a day doing y sometimes too?)

It's been a difficult year for everyone with coronovirus, and not the greatest time to be pregnant/starting life as a new family. I do hope that 2021 will be a fresh start for us all. Thank you again for being honest and getting this out into the open.

Guga · 07/12/2020 11:03

Manners cost nothing. I think you should quickly learn that and remember to use them. Staggeringly rude of you to not say please, thank you or goodbye.

The frequency of your visits, your BIL behaviour etc are all other issues.

Brefugee · 07/12/2020 11:04

I think I just really didn’t expect that reply from her tbh. I grew up in a Christian family and although that annoyed me at times, my Mum is just so lovely because she believes so much in forgiveness. So I think I just expect other people to be the same

what? what on earth has Christianity to do with it? Your MIL has been pissed off that she thinks you're rude (your other posts give me the idea you have been rude to her) so just be more polite.

And FGS stop going there every week. Covid rules aside why are you going there and watching football on sky when you don't want to. Assuming you don't have sky at home and that's why your DP goes?

Send him off with the baby and have a day off. And be polite. It has nothing to do with Christianity it has to do with manners.

Original poster

whitenoise123 · 07/12/2020 11:04

@Velvian I don’t think they are there to give me tea or serve me at all. When I am there I just get given snacks when no-one even asked me if I actually wanted them.

Me and DP were actually going to have tea at home and have an early night last night. But MIL insisted that we have tea there and DP can’t stand up to her. We didn’t leave until 8pm and even though I was tired I still helped to wash up and tidy up

OP posts:

GoldfishParade · 07/12/2020 11:06

Christ she sounds like a nightmare. OP for gods sake do something! Stand up to her!!!

GoodbyePorpoiseSpit · 07/12/2020 11:06

Ummm @CakeRequired that was rather uncalled for ....

BrumBoo · 07/12/2020 11:07

@Notverygrownup

I like Lazylump's message, but perhaps change it to be more positive, and use this as an opportunity for a fresh start:

Thank you so much for taking the chance to open this up. I am so sorry that I have come across as rude in the past. I certainly haven't meant to and really do appreciate all that you do for us.

Or better still;

'Thank you for being honest MIL. I'm so sorry I've been coming over as a rude guest in your home, it was never my intention. Sometimes after several hours of being ignored for the TV, my mind just goes completely blank, and evidently I just completely forget my manners in your eyes. As it happens, I've recently made plans for very active Sundays not in front of TV, so when I next see you (whenever we can arrange it), hopefully we will have something to talk about! I'm sure Partner will still be around next week regardless. Nice to clear the air with you, speak soon!'

Velvian · 07/12/2020 11:07

@whitenoise123, sorry if I wasn't clear, that's what I meant. You're not there for te free tea, you are there for their benefit.

Helendee · 07/12/2020 11:08

@GoldfishParade

Do you really think the MIL is a nightmare? Why?

Original poster

whitenoise123 · 07/12/2020 11:09

@Brefugee I don’t know why we have to go there. We have sky at home so I have suggested they come round to ours on sundays so I can keep DS in his routine a bit more but DP always seems like he would rather go there instead. So it means I’m the carrying around his changing bag, play mat etc

OP posts:

tenlittlecygnets · 07/12/2020 11:09

'Hi MIL

Thanks for your note. It's good that you've brought this up because I've been thinking that the situation is pretty much the other way around! Since I had DS, you've pretty much ignored me and you're only interested in the baby.

I had thought I was always polite to you. I did say goodbye to you last night but I then got into the car to soothe ds. Sorry if you didn't hear.

Maybe we both can use this to look at our behaviour and make an effort to be nicer to each other?'

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