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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL pretty much confirmed she hates me

736 replies

whitenoise123 · 07/12/2020 09:47

First time poster here but really need advice. I’m a first time mum to a 3 month old baby boy. We usually visit DPs family every Sunday and go for a walk, have dinner there etc. DPs family have never been super friendly to me but I accepted that they might not have much in common with me so let it go. However, since having DS his mum has been unbearable. She pretty much ignores me now and is only interested in the baby.

I’m always polite to them even though I don’t get much back from them. When we leaving last night DS was crying in his car seat so I got in the car quickly to try to settle him down. DP then started saying I didn’t say bye to them even though I had.

Anyway I admitted I maybe should try harder with them so sent DPs Mum a message apologising if I have offended them. I then received this message back from her

We have noticed that not just today you rarely say bye or thank you.I have tried to help out with getting things for ......... food,meals and try to make you feel welcome when you visit.It does not cost anything to be civil and good manners are important in my opinion.I did not say anything this evening it was ..... who asked ........ if you were all right.At least you have reflected on the situation, apology accepted.

I have no idea what to do now going forward

OP posts:
BrumBoo · 07/12/2020 10:10

Just say “ I absolutely don’t mean to be like that and I’ll try harder. It’s just that I feel like I’m watching you guys take the baby and I’m like it’s my baby why did I have to give him over. Irrational I know but hormones seem to affect me in that way. It’s difficult with a young baby”

For the love of God, don't say this. Suggesting it's baby brain and you cant cope? Why do women have to lower themselves to appease others? Tell them straight or don't te them at all for goodness sake.

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 07/12/2020 10:11

Is she correct? Are generally rude around them? Maybe they ignore you now because they've always known you to be rude/dismissive of them?
Think about your own behaviour carefully before you start blaming them.

Original poster
whitenoise123 · 07/12/2020 10:12

I’ve not posted before on mumsnet but I spend a lot of time on here reading similar situations.

I think I’ll reply to her saying I’ll try harder in future and try to spend less time with them

OP posts:
WhereverIGoddamnLike · 07/12/2020 10:13

@LouiseTrees

Your suggested response makes absolutely no sense as a reply to this situation. This has nothing to do with letting them hold the baby or anything else you've suggested.

They think she is rude. She thinks they dont like her. I'm guessing they dont like her because she us often rude.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 07/12/2020 10:13

I don't think it was wise of her to send that message - a quick "no worries" would have been better. Even if you have been off-hand, you are hardly going to feel more comfortable or welcome in their home after this.

I would probably aim for fewer shorter visits, but ensure you remain pleasant and polite while you are there. Also it would be fine for your DH and DD to visit without you, as long as they aren't disappearing for the whole day.

AlternativePerspective · 07/12/2020 10:14

Personally I think DP facetiming his mum every day is excessive. why? Plenty of posters on here talk to their mum every day. Is that wrong?

TBH I find this thread a bit baffling. The OP is the one who is out of line here, in fact she appears to be the one who acts like some of the MILs in other threads I’ve seen, and yet the OP is the one who is being given the sympathy? Why?

OP I’m guessing that your ILs struggle to have a decent relationship with you because you’re so rude and clearly don’t have any manners where they’re concerned. If this post was the other way around and a DIL was posting that her ILs never say goodbye to her, never say please or thank you the response would be to not go round there any more. Now you are the one who is doing those things and people are still saying that the MIL is in the wrong?

Sometimes I think people read MIL and lose all sense of perspective after that.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 07/12/2020 10:14

Facetimes daily?

Oh @whitenoise123 you have, as is often said here, a DP problem.

He hasn't yet left his original family to make his new one, has he? Not quite fully adulted!

I suspect this will grow into a larger bone of contention as you get older so yes, stop being a wet lettuce and find your own inner adult! You aren't a kid any more, as you said, so stop letting MIL put you back in that place.

If DP can't see it then change your way of addressing it, maybe stop going there every Sunday, let him overtly make that choice - his birth family or you and DC as his nuclear family. Then you can discuss that as a reality!

Whilst that kind of living is best for some it isn't right for everyone. If you and DP differ then you need to address it before it becomes more of an issue between you!

plumpootle · 07/12/2020 10:14

Your MIL sounds like a nightmare. However, you're stuck with them so what I would do (and I am in similar position with my MIL) is go once every 6-8 weeks and when you go give it your all - so take a gift, be jolly, be grateful, be bright and keep it fairly short. Think of it as doing it for your DH and DS - an act of love for them.

MrsMigginsMate · 07/12/2020 10:15

The tone of that text sounds like she's giving you a stern telling off. She would do well to remember you're not her child to discipline! I couldn't let that one lie, I would have to put my side across. Be honest, what have you got to lose? They sound unsupportive and negative, what's the harm in reducing contact for a bit? Your other half can see them on his own.

I would say something like "I'm sorry if sometimes I forget my manners, it isn't done with malice, I'm just distracted with the baby and forgetful sometimes. I found your message quite hurtful as I have tried hard to build bridges with the family by visiting every weekend and you don't make me feel welcome. Clearly this isn't appreciated, so I will leave partner to visit you on his own as you've made it clear through your actions that this is your preference".

Take my suggestion with a pinch of salt if you like, I'm probably biased by my own nightmare mother in law and all the stress she has put us through!

CaveMum · 07/12/2020 10:16

You definitely need to get out of the duty visit every single weekend. What happens as your son gets older? He may have activities/play dates/birthday parties at the weekend and you can't allow your family time to be dictated by your in laws. Try to make things more fluid, you go once a month and maybe send your son with your partner (presuming he will take a bottle) every other week so that it doesn't become a fixed thing.

GoldfishParade · 07/12/2020 10:16

Because shes being forced to give up an entire weekend day every. Single. Week. to satisfy her in laws needs. You don't see a problem with that?

Whyistheteacold · 07/12/2020 10:16

3 month old baby explains your username 😂😂 I'm sorry I don't have any practical advice for you, but just wanted to say I sympathise. Just keep doing what you do, be polite, respectful etc and try not to take it to heart.

timetest · 07/12/2020 10:16

A whole day a week is far too much. You need space from your ils and your DH needs to realise you and your baby are the main priority. Don’t apologise about putting your crying baby’s needs over your saying goodbye to your mil.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 07/12/2020 10:16

I'd probably go with that too MrsM

But back in my 20s? I wasn't quite so brave! But we did get there in the end!

RaspberryCoulis · 07/12/2020 10:16

Yay! Another round of MIL bashing!

She didn't confirm that she "hates" you. She confirmed that the family find you hard work. She feels that she has tried hard to make you feel welcome and that it's been thrown back in her face by you being rude, not saying please and thank you - and reading between the lines - sitting there with a face like a slapped arse.

She's probably on another forum posting about how her son has had a baby with this miserable cow who clearly hates the family and who can't wait to get away every time she comes to visit, and who clearly has no manners.

It's seen as normal for a grown-up woman to call her mum every day, but as soon as a man does it he's a "mummy's boy"? What a load of bollocks.

OP you appear to be as much to blame as your partner's family. Look at your own behaviour and what signals you might be giving out.

Original poster
whitenoise123 · 07/12/2020 10:16

My partner is 30 so a few years older than me. I always just thought it was nice he has such a good relationship with his parents and I wanted to DS to be have a good relationship with them too. I’m just upset how the situation has exploded and feeling really down today. DP has said that me and DS come first but I feel like he’ll start to resent me if he feels like he can’t see his parents as much

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 07/12/2020 10:18

It's seen as normal for a grown-up woman to call her mum every day, but as soon as a man does it he's a "mummy's boy"? What a load of bollocks. Yes! Utter bollocks.

It is normal for some of either sex, but not at all normal for others!

KleinBlue · 07/12/2020 10:18

I really like my ILs and it would never even occur to me to spend one entire weekend day with them.

GoldfishParade · 07/12/2020 10:18

@AlternativePerspective

The only thing we know for sure is that's a very petty, snippy message from the MIL. Why couldn't she have said "oh dont worry about it, I just hope you're feeling okay and know you can always count on me. It's not easy with a newborn, I know!"

Instead we get some sour faced clenchathonic message to a 24 year old woman who has to sacrifice her own family time for this harpy.

And yes, a grown ass man facetiming mother dearest is overkill.

You wouldnt happen to be an overbearing MIL would you?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 07/12/2020 10:18

And you, @whitenoise123

Will you come to resent him?

It isn't all about him, or them. You do count too!

MrsMigginsMate · 07/12/2020 10:18

TBH I find this thread a bit baffling. The OP is the one who is out of line here, in fact she appears to be the one who acts like some of the MILs in other threads I’ve seen, and yet the OP is the one who is being given the sympathy? Why?

@AlternativePerspective because OP's mother in law wrote in her text that she accepted her apology so that bit has already been dealt with. Looking to the future OP has to now consider what this side of the family brings to her life. And it sounds like both parties are at fault and the in laws have been ignoring her, she has become invisible to them since having the baby. OPs feelings are valid and should not be dismissed.

GoldfishParade · 07/12/2020 10:19

*facetiming DAILY I mean. As if he lived on the other side of the globe and had no idea when he would next be home

mamababy1955555 · 07/12/2020 10:20

God, am I the only one that thinks the mum of a 3 month old should to some extent get a free pass?

I think it's perfectly normal and natural that your focus is going to be on your baby right now. I know when my son was that age I'd disappear in the middle of social events to breastfeed, for example - people just have to put up with it, adults can wait/understand but small babies can't.

Personally, I wouldn't reply at all, I'd just keep doing what you do and, if there's judgement, ignore it. For your partner and baby, you need to be able to get on with these people, but if there's underlying resentment or lack of connection you can't necessarily fix that. Be civil, and don't feel bad about yourself. You don't need her approval.

MrsMigginsMate · 07/12/2020 10:20

[quote GoldfishParade]@AlternativePerspective

The only thing we know for sure is that's a very petty, snippy message from the MIL. Why couldn't she have said "oh dont worry about it, I just hope you're feeling okay and know you can always count on me. It's not easy with a newborn, I know!"

Instead we get some sour faced clenchathonic message to a 24 year old woman who has to sacrifice her own family time for this harpy.

And yes, a grown ass man facetiming mother dearest is overkill.

You wouldnt happen to be an overbearing MIL would you?[/quote]
Agree with this, the tone of the message is how I would expect a headmistress to tell off a naughty child. It takes two parties to fuel a dispute. MIL is hardly innocent in all of this.

BrumBoo · 07/12/2020 10:22

@whitenoise123

My partner is 30 so a few years older than me. I always just thought it was nice he has such a good relationship with his parents and I wanted to DS to be have a good relationship with them too. I’m just upset how the situation has exploded and feeling really down today. DP has said that me and DS come first but I feel like he’ll start to resent me if he feels like he can’t see his parents as much
@whitenoise123 buut you're not stopping him seeing his parents, right? You (and your son at the moment as he's tiny) don't need to go every weekend. They're not your parents, and you'll probably have a far better relationship with them from not being made to have a forced conversation every Sunday, when I'm sure you can think of a million more interesting things to do. You're not a child, this isn't your own parents dragging you round to see Great Aunt Doris every week, stop being a bloody doormat to what other people want.