MIL pretty much confirmed she hates me

[whitenoise123]

First time poster here but really need advice. I’m a first time mum to a 3 month old baby boy. We usually visit DPs family every Sunday and go for a walk, have dinner there etc. DPs family have never been super friendly to me but I accepted that they might not have much in common with me so let it go. However, since having DS his mum has been unbearable. She pretty much ignores me now and is only interested in the baby.

I’m always polite to them even though I don’t get much back from them. When we leaving last night DS was crying in his car seat so I got in the car quickly to try to settle him down. DP then started saying I didn’t say bye to them even though I had.

Anyway I admitted I maybe should try harder with them so sent DPs Mum a message apologising if I have offended them. I then received this message back from her

We have noticed that not just today you rarely say bye or thank you.I have tried to help out with getting things for ......... food,meals and try to make you feel welcome when you visit.It does not cost anything to be civil and good manners are important in my opinion.I did not say anything this evening it was ..... who asked ........ if you were all right.At least you have reflected on the situation, apology accepted.

I have no idea what to do now going forward

Use this as an oppertunity to clear the air and set your own boundaries something like....Hi MIL thank you for the text ..I will reflect on it and try my best to improve things from my side.I feel sometimes you.......what ever you want to say ,say it here,,be frank be polite be honest....end it with something like ,,,going forward I really hope after this we have listened to each other and can both make changes to improve our relationship as it is very important to me that we all feel happy and comfortable and have the best relationship possible for al of us I look
forward to seeing you soon....maybe??

[quote GoldfishParade]@AlternativePerspective

The only thing we know for sure is that's a very petty, snippy message from the MIL. Why couldn't she have said "oh dont worry about it, I just hope you're feeling okay and know you can always count on me. It's not easy with a newborn, I know!"

Instead we get some sour faced clenchathonic message to a 24 year old woman who has to sacrifice her own family time for this harpy.

And yes, a grown ass man facetiming mother dearest is overkill.

You wouldnt happen to be an overbearing MIL would you?[/quote]
Wholly agree.

"Personally, I wouldn't reply at all, I'd just keep doing what you do and, if there's judgement, ignore it. For your partner and baby, you need to be able to get on with these people, but if there's underlying resentment or lack of connection you can't necessarily fix that. Be civil, and don't feel bad about yourself. You don't need her approval."

Agree with this save that I'd try and change things up in the new year - DH goes alone and I'd go 1 week in 3 (for example) and explain that will give you a bit of time to get jobs done at home (job can be nap/Netflix/shopping/whatever).

Also completely agree that a parent of a very young baby should be cut some slack - mil has forgotten how tough and disorientating those early months are.

@lazylump72 that’s a good message. I think I’ll say that. That’s if I muster up the courage to reply.

I think sometimes I do come across as rude and a bit standoffish but when we are there I just have to sit there watching football on sky all day so it’s hard for me to start conversations with them

You don’t need to go see your IL’s every single weekend, that’s just crazy. It sounds like you’ve got your wires crossed to me- you think they don’t like you so you’re perhaps appearing stand-offish so they subsequently think you don’t like them.

I’d tell DP he can go every Sunday if he wants but you won’t be joining him. You can go once a month or something but I wouldn’t be giving up one of my weekend days every week to my IL’s.

It sounds like she feels that she's tried, but you've been pretty rude to her in the past. It must be quite an effort for her to host you and cook a big dinner for you every week, and you've not shown much appreciation or even bothered to say thank you or goodbye when you leave!

That said, perhaps her text could have been worded better, but the problem with texting is that the meaning doesn't always come across exactly as intended.

God, am I the only one that thinks the mum of a 3 month old should to some extent get a free pass?
I agree MamaBaby , it's such a hard time with no sleep you just walk around in a complete haze, it's not fair they expect so much of her.

Personally, I wouldn't reply at all, I'd just keep doing what you do and, if there's judgement, ignore it.
This is certainly a valid option, I did the same with my MIL when things became difficult. But in hindsight it fuelled my PND and I really wish I had put myself first. It feels awful to sit around a dinner table being scowled at and ignored, your self esteem takes a major hit.

Maybe OP can find a middle ground if she doesn't want to confront MIL. I think a whole day every weekend is excessive. That's presumably half of her partner's free time if he's working! I would suggest stretching it to fortnightly and then conveniently being busy every now and then to stretch it to once a month. I did the whole weekly thing for years with my in laws and I dreaded it more than going to work on a Monday morning, its just too much to commit to.

@whitenoise123

It’s just become the done thing I think to see them on a Sunday. It’s difficult as my own dad is shielding so we can’t go round to my mum and dads. I lack confidence so I struggle to create boundaries with them so I just go along with things to keep the peace. I’m only 24 so I think they see me as a child as well who doesn’t get a say in things

Then remember you're a mother and an adult and you don't have to go along with this mad idea.

You are a family now and you should spend time as a family.

Start with every other week and reduce it down from there.

What does your Dp think of how you are with his parents? Does he think you are standoffish?

Personally if my MIL had said to Dh that I hadn't said goodbye to them because I was trying to settle my 3 month old baby he would have told her to fuck off. You are not an 8 year old going round for a play date having to thank the Mother for the food she provided. You are a grown woman and your Dp should be the one talking to his parents. I would not respond to that text just yet.

I do completely agree with The tone of that text sounds like she's giving you a stern telling off. She would do well to remember you're not her child to discipline! I couldn't let that one lie, I would have to put my side across. Be honest, what have you got to lose? They sound unsupportive and negative, what's the harm in reducing contact for a bit? Your other half can see them on his own

How old was MIL when she had her children? Same as you, younger than you? My PIL did treat us like children when we first started going out together, we were uni graduates, not 14. I kindly reminded MIL that at my age she was married with 2 children.

I don't agree with the other posters to be honest that are saying you should stop going.

You haven't been saying please or thank you, or even saying bye to them. You're trying to come across like this isn't all the time, and yet from the message and your partner, it is. You are being highly rude and have shown them no manners at all. No wonder they don't like you that much right now.

If you stop going altogether, you will come across far worse than you already do, like you're above them. If you want a short marriage, follow the advice of the other posters saying that. Otherwise, stop being ungrateful and be polite. It costs you nothing and hey, you might find you end up with in laws that actually like you and enjoy spending time with you, and are interested in you rather than ignore you.

@mamababy1955555

God, am I the only one that thinks the mum of a 3 month old should to some extent get a free pass?

I hope you are the only one! Having a baby doesn't mean you get to be rude to other people.

Am I allowed to use the replies on this thread to prove to DH that seeing his (usually entire) family a minimum of once a week is too much?

DP then started saying I didn’t say bye to them even though I had
This is what jumps out to me.
He needs to back up you and your desire to look after your baby. Tell him this.
Ignore the MIL's message. Sounds like she's been waiting for an excuse to have a go at you. Don't give her the satisfaction of a reply, much less an apology.
Stop going to their house and tell your DP exactly why.

well, I am assuming that you either don't live in England, or that if you do you are in Cornwall or the Isle of Wight?

because if you are in England, then you shouldn't be at your in-laws at all.

I am baffled as to how you are going roudn every Sunday, when we have had a month of lockdown, and before that the rule of 6, and now most are in tier 2 or 3.

So I would be tempted to use Covid as a reason to break this once and for all.

No way would I spend every single Sunday with anyone. I wouldn't even want to go out each Sunday to a variety of places with a 3 month old.

Once a month?
Face timing eveyr day is also odd.

I do think that in MIL relationships we do have to work harder, take a moment extra to smile and say thank you etc. mainly as we have to build a relationship, we can't just piggy back on dhs relationship

dont stop going.
but your dh should explain to them that you have a young baby and you can forget saying bye, etc.
they all should be more understanding.

@mamababy1955555

God, am I the only one that thinks the mum of a 3 month old should to some extent get a free pass?

I think it's perfectly normal and natural that your focus is going to be on your baby right now. I know when my son was that age I'd disappear in the middle of social events to breastfeed, for example - people just have to put up with it, adults can wait/understand but small babies can't.

Personally, I wouldn't reply at all, I'd just keep doing what you do and, if there's judgement, ignore it. For your partner and baby, you need to be able to get on with these people, but if there's underlying resentment or lack of connection you can't necessarily fix that. Be civil, and don't feel bad about yourself. You don't need her approval.

I think you get a free pass from some things - for instance, I wouldn't be expecting the mother of a 3 month old to do something late in the evening, or to stay very long at a daytime event (I do think all day Sunday sounds excessive) - but I don't think you get a free pass from saying please, thank you and goodbye unless you're actually in labour!

I would just reply “I’m so sorry I’ve come across as rude. I am very tired at the moment and to be honest am finding the whole day visits every week too much. We do appreciate all you do for us, but think perhaps we need to cut back so we can spend more time as a family.”

WhySoSensitive , yes, tell him immediately. I’m a mil and would consider this too much both for them and me. I do love them though.

Also it sounds like you've been going there since before your baby was born too, so you can't blame baby brain for your lack of manners. Accept the fact that you are just often rude to them, don't thank them and bugger off without saying bye. If someone did that to me, I'd think they were rude too and wouldn't want them back, but she kind of has to as you married her son.

@OnTheBenchOfDoom I think she was 26 when she has DP so not that much older than me. DP has a brother too who is 25. DPs Mum runs around after his brother all the time and he is rude and just ignores me. That’s why I find it a bit rich of her going on about manners when her younger son does has never even acknowledged his brother’s partner

In that message she sounds a bit cold, but I don’t really see how she “hates” you just from that message?

Not saying bye and thank you is pretty rude tbh. But it sounds like you and your in laws don’t like each other so just let DH visit and take your Dc with him. You don’t have to see the in laws and you get a break! Win win

i can;t imagine much worse than having to see my inlaws every weekend and then watch Sky football all the time.

I generally take a book when at my inlaws and read when they watch tv. I definitely enthusiastically say GOODBYE.

That sort of message would be JUST ABOUT acceptable from my mother to myself. But not from a MIL. she could tell her son if she had an issue, but to do it direct to you is very rude.

I'd stop visiting bar one weekend in 4 maybe win win!

Don't throw your toys out of the pram as some PP are suggesting. The first thing I notice is that you day your DP has commented you can appear rude too so MIL isn't making it up. I would talk to him about how you'd rather not go every week but I would also ensure I was more polite and thanked them for what they do when you do see them.

It’s hard to comment without seeing you interact with them and knowing your families better. To some people not saying please and thank you all the time isn’t a big deal, to others it’s very rude indeed. But it’s clear from that text that she finds you very rude.

In my first marriage I used to go every Sunday for lunch to the in laws as was expected - other brother and his wife would be there too ( no children) . Looking back it was his Mum holding court with her sons and the DILs were irrelevant. When we had our first child chaos descended as their previous very quiet Sundays took on a different aspect . This came to an end as we moved away to a different area but looking back I think how much of a fool I was to give in to this torture every Sunday . I too was young and fell into the mould. Spend less time there .