MIL pretty much confirmed she hates me

[whitenoise123]

First time poster here but really need advice. I’m a first time mum to a 3 month old baby boy. We usually visit DPs family every Sunday and go for a walk, have dinner there etc. DPs family have never been super friendly to me but I accepted that they might not have much in common with me so let it go. However, since having DS his mum has been unbearable. She pretty much ignores me now and is only interested in the baby.

I’m always polite to them even though I don’t get much back from them. When we leaving last night DS was crying in his car seat so I got in the car quickly to try to settle him down. DP then started saying I didn’t say bye to them even though I had.

Anyway I admitted I maybe should try harder with them so sent DPs Mum a message apologising if I have offended them. I then received this message back from her

We have noticed that not just today you rarely say bye or thank you.I have tried to help out with getting things for ......... food,meals and try to make you feel welcome when you visit.It does not cost anything to be civil and good manners are important in my opinion.I did not say anything this evening it was ..... who asked ........ if you were all right.At least you have reflected on the situation, apology accepted.

I have no idea what to do now going forward

Does your dp also help out by washing up and putting away?

Does he?

Your husband is enmeshed with his parents. It is up to you now to push for no more Sundays visits or else this is your reality going forward.

There was no need to apologise to her. Her response was awful. Avoid her.

Every Sunday is a lot!
I think sometimes will look for issues. They will pounce every time you do something wrong.

Staying at MILs was a totally miserable experience for me.
I remember her complaining to DH that i hadn’t said goodnight, I had, 4 bloody times but apparently I should have gone and said good night again. She used to look for issues and infractions (I think she was pissed I didn’t enjoy staying at theirs).

If you were close, got on, saying goodbye or whatever wouldn’t be an issue. Reduce the visits A LOT! Don’t they come to you? Once to them a month, once to you. That’s more than enough.

OP why don't you go and see MIL on your own and clear the air.

She sounds like she's trying (maybe too hard) and you would like things to be civil too. I think relying on the men in the family to communicate is unwise imo... you might not even know of the offers she has made if they've come via her son ( I have 2 of my own that can be guilty of this).

Your life is going to be a lot more pleasant for many many years to come if you can build some sort of friendship. You don't need to be best buddies but stay friendly.

Posters with throw away comments of 'dont go' etc have no idea or little regard for how much pain that causes.

@GabriellaMontez yes DP always helps. He is a lovely person and does so much for us. It just feels like he would rather spend time with them instead of being with his new little family

I don't think she says she hates you tbh and I agree with PPs mentioning shyness/anxiety sometimes coming across as being standoffish, when it is not at all what is going on. It is nice you cleared the air a bit. I would not make a big thing going of it forward.

I would talk to my DP about having more core family time though.

On a complete tangent, I don't know your circs but if you are in that situation, make sure you keep earning/a foot in work. You are unmarried so if this goes south, on one hand there is less paperwork, but on the other there are no shared assets, even if you spent time or money on making your house a home (unless deed of trust in place, but I separated from my DP a lawyer told me that they were not worth the paper they are printed on, which surprised me - still went ahead and did one just in case my lawyer was an odd ball).

I would limit visits to once a month, that’s plenty.
Your OH can go and see them more if he wants or FaceTime.

OP it seems like they are all including DP treating you as a child and consequently you're responding like one.You seem to helplessly drift along with everything DP wants rather than saying what it is you want. There is no way Id be round my in laws every Sunday even if there wasnt a pandemic!

Tbh I do have alarm bells about how your DP seems to publicly side with his DM rather than you. Im also concerned that you're not married and hence have no protection - please tell me you havent given up work, your child doesnt have DP name and that everything isnt in DP name?

Do PIL actually ask you to come round every week? I would never want to turn my DS away but having to feed an extra family once a week must cost them a lot in time and effort. Not being thanked for the meal must obviously sting a bit. Maybe time to suggest again hosting them every once in a while (DP can cook!)

In the nicest possible way, I think you need to be more assertive. What MIL is calling rude is possibly you being a bit sulky because you're BORED BORED BORED. It doesn't seem like PILs or DP give a shit if you're bored or not, which is actually ruder in my book. I'd go spare if I was made to watch hours of football every week, I'd rather watch paint dry.

Make some rules with DP. I'd say you only stay for one meal, set off around the same time each day (say the baby needs time to settle before bed, or home for dinner etc). And go less often.

Are they near enough that DP could take the baby on his own sometimes? Might not work with breastfeeding (if you are) or the tiny baby stage, but once your DS is bigger you might be glad of a weekly afternoon off!

*money and effort

I think I’ll reply to her saying I’ll try harder in future and try to spend less time with them

I'm not sure that anything you do will be enough. I'm suspicious of that message from her. My ex in laws made me the family scapegoat. I wasn't "blood" you see. Therefore they could get away with blaming their dysfunctional family dynamics on The Outsider. I too was "rude", "belligerent", "took things for granted" etc. I wasn't at all. I just didn't want to go along with their way of doing things - ie joining in with the big piss up and subsequent arguments at every family gathering, or not following MIL's exacting "advice" on how I should be dealing with my baby, not allowing my FIL to speak to me like he did the rest of the women in his family - that is, like shit.

I wonder if there is some of that going on here. The way, she's sent reams of your faults and missteps back at the first opportunity and your DP whining about there not being "a proper goodbye" when you were actually settling your baby.

I wouldn't do anything differently except see them far less.

Why don't you do the usual social niceties OP? Are you extremely shy? Socially anxious, which might explain why you see your MIL's message as extremely aggressive? Are you sure it is not just her trying to express something they have felt uncomfortable about for some time, so as to clear the air?

Can't say I would like the sound of these visits if you were my dd with an older husband she was unable to stand up to, backed by his family.

"Sometimes I have nothing to add to the conversation as they only talk about football or talk about people I don’t know"

I actually think this is SUPER rude of them. It's directly exclusionary: they're not making any conversational effort to include you and they aren't giving themselves a chance to get to know you. So the "bad manners" isn't on one side here.

STOP going round there every week. Start finding excuses not to go - you're a grown woman and you're allowed to make your own decisions about how you spend your time! Let your DP take your baby there if he must go and give yourself some well-deserved time out.

I think her message was very belittling and condescending actually.

If you are being reasonably polite I'd just send a "Sorry if you have got that impression" non-apology.

[quote BIWI]@mamababy1955555

God, am I the only one that thinks the mum of a 3 month old should to some extent get a free pass?

I hope you are the only one! Having a baby doesn't mean you get to be rude to other people.[/quote]
No, but if you're dealing with the baby all the time (bet the OP is!!) you can be distracted.

@MandosHatHair I don’t think they actually ask, I think they just expect us all to round for the day. They did come round to ours a few times when DS was newborn and DP cooked them nice meals. I think I’ll try to suggest that in future as it’s easier for me and I can get on with other things instead of just watching tv

I think Mil’s message was rude and uncalled for, and yes it does sound like she was waiting for a chance to stick the boot in. If you are not happy with going around there every Sunday to watch TV (I certainly wouldn’t!), please speak up and tell your DP. Everything seems to be on his terms at the moment, and over time you are likely to become more and more resentful. What you want matters just as much! I would leave DP to his family and drastically reduce my own visits if I were you. That rude message certainly doesn’t deserve an apology or any grovelling from you.

If you're sat there watching the football, then suggest that DP goes round on his own to watch with his dad.

Looks like that was the routine pre-you and it hasn't changed.

Are you sure it is not just her trying to express something they have felt uncomfortable about for some time, so as to clear the air?

Nah, its definitely a message with a condensing, 'do as I say' tone. People who want to clear the air will at least acknowledge that there may be issues on both sides, such as

'I understand having a tiny baby means you're thinking of other things, or that you may be a bit bored here as Mike and Dave just watch the footy all day long. However, sometimes it feels like being with us is a chore, and its hurtful not to say 'goodbye' when you leave.'

As a pp said, the MIL wanted to tell the op off like a headmistress. She knows the OP has zero backbone so just lies there and takes it.

Can you use this a chance to change the Sunday pattern? Spending all day watching football would have me gouging my eyes out within about half an hour. If you don't enjoy it you don't have to do it, your partner could go on his own with the baby or you could ask your MIL if there's something you could do together (unless she's interested in the football!). Could you cut your own visits to once every fortnight or few weeks to give yourself a break?

Her message sounds really patronising tbh, especially if she's got a rude son there who ignores you and she herself ignores you to interact with the baby. On that basis I'd be reluctant to apologise for any perceived bad behaviour as she seems unable to reflect on her own.

I'd maybe reply with something like "Thanks for the message. To be honest I'm finding Sundays a bit tough, I don't have much chance to chat much since xx(baby) arrived. All-day football really isn't my thing either! I may take a few weeks to myself going forwards and we'll have a proper catch up next time I'm round. Take care x"

And then tell your DH he can go with or without the baby but you're going to chill (and maybe call your own family!).

About the comment calling the OP a 'rude cow' and suggesting she grow up ...

Pot, meet kettle.

Calling other women derogatory, sexist pejoratives is very rude. Please desist.

Why is everyone on here assuming that only the men like and watch the football?

Omg, she barely acknowledges you, yet people are accusing YOU of rudeness. As pp say, don't bother going anymore. She sounds condescending.