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AIBU?

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Original poster

MIL pretty much confirmed she hates me

736 replies

whitenoise123 · 07/12/2020 09:47

First time poster here but really need advice. I’m a first time mum to a 3 month old baby boy. We usually visit DPs family every Sunday and go for a walk, have dinner there etc. DPs family have never been super friendly to me but I accepted that they might not have much in common with me so let it go. However, since having DS his mum has been unbearable. She pretty much ignores me now and is only interested in the baby.

I’m always polite to them even though I don’t get much back from them. When we leaving last night DS was crying in his car seat so I got in the car quickly to try to settle him down. DP then started saying I didn’t say bye to them even though I had.

Anyway I admitted I maybe should try harder with them so sent DPs Mum a message apologising if I have offended them. I then received this message back from her

We have noticed that not just today you rarely say bye or thank you.I have tried to help out with getting things for ......... food,meals and try to make you feel welcome when you visit.It does not cost anything to be civil and good manners are important in my opinion.I did not say anything this evening it was ..... who asked ........ if you were all right.At least you have reflected on the situation, apology accepted.

I have no idea what to do now going forward

OP posts:
Temporary1234 · 11/12/2020 22:54

Count how many times your DH instigates his own efforts to ask you to go visit your family or take the baby to yours...

Or washes dishes at your mums house or buys them food or cooks them..

And follow his lead.

Here is a good one:

“Oh mother in law, DH doesn’t say please and thank you in very formal ways at my mums house so I was following his lead and assuming if that’s how he is raised then it must be fine in your house too”

She blames you for not visiting enough ?

“Oh mother in law, DH doesn’t take the responsibility of reminding me when to visit my mother so I assume that if he doesn’t ask us to visit then it must be something you and him communicates”.

Blames you for not washing dishes around her place

“Oh mother in law, when DH comes to my parents house, he sits there chatting to my parents which is the polite thing in our house. He only gets up to help me if I asked him to, as it’s my mums house not his. I assumed if you wanted help with the dishes he would’ve known and I would’ve got up to help him if I could “

Pull yourself out of the role she is trying to trap you in. To help her have an entry into her sons life without her having to talk about things with him that will make her seem like a nag. She wants you to do the nagging for her without appreciation from her. Hand it right back to her

Temporary1234 · 11/12/2020 22:56

If he doesn’t stick up for you wildly enough.. then hand the problem back to him so he ends up being the target. Of his own mother. And then finally learns that it’s worth growing a spine.

Jux · 11/12/2020 23:57

Temporary has it right. I found myself being 'go between' between dh and mil, and neither would actually speak to thte other. She'd ring and say she needed to talk about such and such, which would be nothing to do with me or which was really something dh should be handling, so I'd go off and get him and she'd say something like "oh I thought you'd like to know that Dr John is on the radio tomorrow" - nothing to do with what she'd told me she wanted to talk about. So then I'd tell dh that she'd told me she wanted to talk about his sister, and maybe he should call her back, but he'd grunt and do nothing. Then she'd do it again and it would just go on and on and on.

Until as soon as I knew it was her on the phone I'd say "I'll go and get dh" and just do that. Very rude but impossible otherwise.

Ddot · 13/12/2020 20:23

When covid is over, one week at each parents, that will give you a rest. But her reply was rude. My MIL was a snobbish cow, I bit my tongue and got on with it, sometimes mams are just jealous

ThreeTwoOneGoo · 13/12/2020 20:27

@whitenoise123

First time poster here but really need advice. I’m a first time mum to a 3 month old baby boy. We usually visit DPs family every Sunday and go for a walk, have dinner there etc. DPs family have never been super friendly to me but I accepted that they might not have much in common with me so let it go. However, since having DS his mum has been unbearable. She pretty much ignores me now and is only interested in the baby.

I’m always polite to them even though I don’t get much back from them. When we leaving last night DS was crying in his car seat so I got in the car quickly to try to settle him down. DP then started saying I didn’t say bye to them even though I had.

Anyway I admitted I maybe should try harder with them so sent DPs Mum a message apologising if I have offended them. I then received this message back from her

We have noticed that not just today you rarely say bye or thank you.I have tried to help out with getting things for ......... food,meals and try to make you feel welcome when you visit.It does not cost anything to be civil and good manners are important in my opinion.I did not say anything this evening it was ..... who asked ........ if you were all right.At least you have reflected on the situation, apology accepted.

I have no idea what to do now going forward

Stop going. If DH still wants to go let him go with Ds. I have similar MIL so I just rarely see her now, DH goes with children and I stay at home

TheLadyGrayson · 14/12/2020 13:46

OP- I hope you enjoyed your first in-law free weekend yesterday! Smile

Ddot · 14/12/2020 14:59

You could text her and say your sorry that you seem to have gotten off on the wrong foot as you also feel left out and alienated. Maybe we could start afresh and try to be more friendly for the sake of both families. I do hope we can

Luddite26 · 14/12/2020 20:33

Hmmmm and she could not bother.
I too hope you had a MIL free day yesterday and spent some time looking after yourself OP and some quality family time.

ninka68 · 10/01/2021 17:51

Gosh, that's a very aggressive message for a post which was trying to help! (It really doesn't matter whether they are married or not, does it?) I just think that trying to defuse the situation rather than escalate it is a good idea and that talking is always good. Please do try not to be so rude...

billybagpuss · 10/01/2021 18:07

This thread has just popped back up again, hope you had a good Christmas OP

MissMarpleDarling · 10/01/2021 18:16

Can see how you tested positive you've mixed quite abit.

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