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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Toddler drank wine-fuming

314 replies

Nomechange · 06/12/2020 11:57

This morning my dp went out to get milk and I was in the kitchen taking my vitamins with my back to my Dd-2.6 years old. When I turned around she was drinking wine out of a carton. Our picnic basket was on the floor by the bridge and it had been put in there by dp.
Luckily it was hopefully only a sip and two hours later after careful observation, she seems fine.
Aibu to be completely pissed off with my dp for leaving it there? He’s now upset with me and says accidents happen and he wouldn’t be angry with me. I was full of anxiety this morning after it happened and was really upset about it.
He says he put it there to ‘Hide it’ as I go on about his drinking, sick of the bs, just wish he’d grow up like we all have to when we become parents, surely?

OP posts:
PandaBearCub · 06/12/2020 13:11

[quote Nomechange]@DartmoorChef That would be great if he did that, no problem. I’m not even that bothered about the drinking on the toilet, strange as I find it. That’s more about the frequency and the hiding away of it. Again, I wouldn’t care if he came home and drank a beer or wine or whatever and had cigarettes outside. Drinking on a weekend morning is out of order in my eyes, we usually go out for the day and he sometimes drives etc[/quote]
How many units a week do you think he drinks, OP?

Original poster
Nomechange · 06/12/2020 13:11

He’s always spent a while on the toilet and I guess he heads there straightaway after work to destress, listen to music, have a cigarette sometimes (huge arguments between us) before he comes down to be with Dd etc.
The boxes are 1 litre ones, I don’t think he drinks the whole box a night, I’m really not sure.
I wouldn’t object to him coming in, sitting down and having a drink, but I guess with Dd around etc that’s hard to do until she’s in bed.

OP posts:
PlanDeRaccordement · 06/12/2020 13:11

I know it’s possible to watch a toddler or two all day because I’ve done it. I’ve even saved my DDs life when every second counted because I kept a close eye on them. I’m not a martyr, I’m a responsible mother who doesn’t blame someone who wasn’t even there for my own lack of attention.

Original poster
Nomechange · 06/12/2020 13:12

@PerdidathePostwoman We’ve talked & argued about it lots, he just says he’ll stop and he’s putting a stop to it..then it starts again.

OP posts:
DartmoorChef · 06/12/2020 13:13

Have you asked him why he doesn't just sit down with a glass of wine when he gets home? Does he think you would disapprove?

Original poster
Nomechange · 06/12/2020 13:14

@AccidentallyOnPurpose Yes, I think you’re spot on there, it was almost like, the thing that’s been bothering/worrying me was now brought into her world. I’m aware she’s totally fine, just the whole experience of it with all the arguments we have over it

OP posts:
ArnoldBee · 06/12/2020 13:14

I drank nail varnish remover as a toddler and I didn't have any side effects. Was my mother to blame for the 2 mins I wandered off whilst she was supervising me? No as accidents happen. The issue here as that you both seem to have an odd relationship with alcohol that needs to be addressed. You need to sort this out together.

Mischance · 06/12/2020 13:14

People make genuine mistakes. I think you should cut him a bit of slack.

But as to his drinking....in the bathroom? Is this his problem, or are you coming down hard on him enjoying a normal and acceptable level of wine? Are you saying he has a genuine drink problem?

RaspberryCoulis · 06/12/2020 13:17

@PlanDeRaccordement

I know it’s possible to watch a toddler or two all day because I’ve done it. I’ve even saved my DDs life when every second counted because I kept a close eye on them. I’m not a martyr, I’m a responsible mother who doesn’t blame someone who wasn’t even there for my own lack of attention.
You're also a bit of a cowbag for piling onto a thread which isn't really about the accidental sip of wine but about the partner's secretive drinking and whether it's a problem.

Does it give you a warm glow inside to kick a mother who's struggling? Make you feel that wee bit more responsible and superior? Fucks sake, some people are just absolutely horrible.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 06/12/2020 13:19

When you said he drinks in the bathroom I assumed he was having a bath, glass of wine, relaxing ..... but sitting on the loo with a drink seems very very odd!! Plus the drinking at 10am .... it does sound like he has a problem OP.

And its physically impossible to watch a 2 year old 24/7, accidents happen.

mycatlovesmenotyou · 06/12/2020 13:20

OP, YANBU, you were in the same room as your child and had no idea that your DH had left alcohol within reach, because he had deliberately hidden it. This isn't your fault.

If your DH is drunk by 10am on a Saturday, if he is coming home and drinking on the toilet, this is not normal behaviour. He has an alcohol problem and he needs to get help for it.

Obviously you would never get in the car with him when he has been drinking. He needs to acknowledge his problem and seek help, but sadly often with alcoholics, they need to hit rock bottom before that happens.

As others have said, you do not have to stay with this man.

KatherineJaneway · 06/12/2020 13:20

I’m really surprised, I have no issue at all with alcohol, before Dd I’d have a bottle or two at weekends, these days it makes me feel crappy.

You clearly have issues with his alcohol consumption. That's why your DP hides his drinking. You think he shouldn't do it anymore and he disagrees.

GlummyMcGlummerson · 06/12/2020 13:20

We all make mistakes, I think it's awful actually when partners berate each other for oversights when nothing bad even happened. The reality is we can't all be on the ball 100% of the time

Original poster
Nomechange · 06/12/2020 13:21

@Iwonder08 No idea of your situation but how would you react (genuinely interested) if your partner drank after work, sometimes in the toilet and smoked there too and sometimes on a weekend morning before going out for family time. Am I intense and unpleasant to find it all really upsetting?

OP posts:
rottiemum88 · 06/12/2020 13:22

I was watching my toddler as I say, I had my back to her for literally 2 minutes as was having my vitamins with water, turned around and she was in the picnic basket which is on the floor by the washing basket etc. Definitely wasn’t foreseeing there would be a box of wine in there.

Doesn't have to be a box of wine to be a danger to her. Two minutes is too long and there are plenty of dangerous things toddlers can do in that time. This was YOUR fault.

Original poster
Nomechange · 06/12/2020 13:24

@KatherineJaneway I don’t have an issue with people drinking alcohol, I see several times a week and weekend mornings before going out/looking after my toddler Dd a problem, yes 🤷🏻‍♀️Honestly shocked how some people don’t have a problem with that.
Half the time now I don’t know if he’s had a drink so can he drive when we go out, sick of all of it yes. I didn’t imagine family life to be this way and I don’t want this situation for my Dd.

OP posts:
DontCryForMeNextdoorNeighbour · 06/12/2020 13:24

Sorry OP, you sound really controlling. If my DH tried to tell me that I can't have a few mid-week drinks, or some wine with a picnic, or a cigarette when I finish a day at work (or whenever I feel like one, as long as I smoke it away from DC) - I would not be impressed. He's an adult, it really doesn't sound to me that he's being irresponsible - telling him he can't do these things sounds really judgmental and controlling. You don't sound compatible, unfortunately.

GlummyMcGlummerson · 06/12/2020 13:26

I also wouldn't stand for being told when I can have a drink in my own home

PerdidathePostwoman · 06/12/2020 13:27

[quote Nomechange]@KatherineJaneway I don’t have an issue with people drinking alcohol, I see several times a week and weekend mornings before going out/looking after my toddler Dd a problem, yes 🤷🏻‍♀️Honestly shocked how some people don’t have a problem with that.
Half the time now I don’t know if he’s had a drink so can he drive when we go out, sick of all of it yes. I didn’t imagine family life to be this way and I don’t want this situation for my Dd.[/quote]
I think that’s very understandable OP. Sorry you’re in this situation, it sounds so hard. Flowers

Can you/will you leave? You said you’re abroad, are you far from family and friends? You might want to repost in the relationships section, lots of great advice there.

Donkeeey · 06/12/2020 13:28

@Nomechange
I wouldn’t object to him coming in, sitting down and having a drink, but I guess with Dd around etc that’s hard to do until she’s in bed.

Why can't he he have a drink until your daughter is in bed? I assume that's why he drinks in the bathroom if you won't let him drink in front of her, which gives an entirely different slant on the situation.

maddiemookins16mum · 06/12/2020 13:30

@ChristmasWitch

Doesn't read like the DP has a drinking problem to me, it reads like OP thinks he should only have a glass when she thinks it's acceptable - at the weekend - and therefore he has to hide it! None of which sounds like a very healthy relationship. So unless there's a massive backstory of alcoholism, I think it's an overreaction to what was probably no more than a sip of wine.
I agree.
GoldenOmber · 06/12/2020 13:31

People don’t hide boxes of wine around the kitchen and secretly get drunk on Saturday mornings because their partners are controlling harpies. They do it because they have a problem with alcohol.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 06/12/2020 13:31

I love the fact that MN is so ridiculously antismoking in general, but no one is picking up on the fact that OP's husband smokes in the house (even if on the toilet ) with a toddler.

Couldn't have something that doesn't make OP guilty of everything going wrong now,could we?

Original poster
Nomechange · 06/12/2020 13:33

@DontCryForMeNextdoorNeighbour Please read the whole thread.

I didn’t say anything about telling him he can’t have a cigarette or a wine at a picnic?! 🤷🏻‍♀️

He smokes in the toilet, sometimes the ensuite, where my daughter sleeps next to. I’m an ex smoker but never smoked in my house even before Dd, it’s simple to go out on the terrace.
He drinks on weekend mornings before having family days out, driving etc. Drinks most days on the way home from work or upstairs on the toilet smoking.
Would you love all that?

OP posts:
Eckhart · 06/12/2020 13:34

OP, are you allowing a situation where you are getting into a car with your toddler and a possibly drunk driver?