Toddler drank wine-fuming

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This morning my dp went out to get milk and I was in the kitchen taking my vitamins with my back to my Dd-2.6 years old. When I turned around she was drinking wine out of a carton. Our picnic basket was on the floor by the bridge and it had been put in there by dp.
Luckily it was hopefully only a sip and two hours later after careful observation, she seems fine.
Aibu to be completely pissed off with my dp for leaving it there? He’s now upset with me and says accidents happen and he wouldn’t be angry with me. I was full of anxiety this morning after it happened and was really upset about it.
He says he put it there to ‘Hide it’ as I go on about his drinking, sick of the bs, just wish he’d grow up like we all have to when we become parents, surely?

To be honest you're more at blame for not watching her close enough so that she had time to get her hands on it and drink it?

You are projecting you're blame on to him when he's got just as much right to blame you? 🤷‍♀️

@KatherineJaneway

I’m really surprised, I have no issue at all with alcohol, before Dd I’d have a bottle or two at weekends, these days it makes me feel crappy.

You clearly have issues with his alcohol consumption. That's why your DP hides his drinking. You think he shouldn't do it anymore and he disagrees.

If you need alcohol that badly that you must hide it around the house, then you have a drinking problem.

OP knows he drinks. After work on the way home. On the toilet etc. The only thing he's hiding is how much he drinks.

OP, you know and everyone knows that getting drunk on a Saturday morning when you are supposed to be driving your family on a day out, is not acceptable behaviour.

I can't believe that people are defending his secret drinking and hiding of alcohol, and blaming OP for it!

If the man has to drink as soon as he gets up and as soon as he gets in, then he has a problem! Normal drinking, even every day, would not the second that you get in the door and while on the toilet!

I can't believe that all the people knocking OP on this thread, would be happy for their own partners to behave like that.

@Donkeeey My god, this is not an issue about me being controlling, please read the full thread and see if you change your view. Definitely don’t have an issue with him sitting and having a glass of wine downstairs but often he’s playing on the floor with Dd and focussing on her I guess, his choice. It feels like he has to immediately have a drink after work, I get it, I get feeling stressed but it’s getting out of hand when it’s weekend mornings too

@GoldenOmber

People don’t hide boxes of wine around the kitchen and secretly get drunk on Saturday mornings because their partners are controlling harpies. They do it because they have a problem with alcohol.

How do you square this with the fact that some people turn to alcohol because of difficulties within their relationship?

We don't know which came first, do we.

Chuckling that he hides in the loo from you when he gets in from work for a ciggie and a glass of wine. Suspect that he has a drink on a Saturday morning to give him dutch courage to endure a day with you. If he does this why the hell are you getting in the car. You are not compatible so divorce and find yourself a teetotal husband who does as he is told

Hi OP,

I’m surprised by some of these replies. I don’t think you are overreacting at all or being controlling. You are thinking about your DD and the impact your partner’s drinking (and smoking) is having on your family life.

Are you unhappy with him overall? What are your options?

I have read all your replies. Is there a window in your ensuite? If not, then yes he should smoke on the terrace. But maybe he doesnt because you would then complain that DD can see him smoking? You said you argue about him smoking, and that he had to hide wine from you for a picnic because you would disapprove.
My conclusion is that you are controlling and judgmental.
Obviously drinking and driving is unacceptable so are you saying he does that?

@PlanDeRaccordement

I know it’s possible to watch a toddler or two all day because I’ve done it. I’ve even saved my DDs life when every second counted because I kept a close eye on them. I’m not a martyr, I’m a responsible mother who doesn’t blame someone who wasn’t even there for my own lack of attention.

first I strongly question someone so arrogant that they pretend they will watch every second and didn't prepare their house properly instead

two I do not believe for a second you can watch a toddler and cook, clean, use the toilets -

and don't get me started on assuming your toddler will not wake up whilst you are asleep.

You sound completely ridiculous and definitively NOT a responsible mother. It's a recipe for disaster.

I am still curious why you needed to save your DD's life at all if you were watching them that closely?

Drinking in the bathroom

glass of red while in the bath - yes please
drinking sitting on the toilet - weird

“how would you react (genuinely interested) if your partner drank after work, sometimes in the toilet and smoked there too and sometimes on a weekend morning before going out for family time.“

1. I wouldn’t mind him drinking after work at all.

1. If he was drinking in the toilet I’d wonder why he felt the need to hide it/ get away from me like that and I’d talk to him about that.

1. Smoking in the house would be a deal breaker for me full stop, as that would also affect my and my children’s health.

1. Drinking before 10am would also be a massive red flag. But are you sure he had drunk? You say you could tell- how? That would tip it over into problem drinking for me and I’d be asking him to get some help if that’s definitely the case.

It seems to me that now is a good time for a cards on the table talk. I think you probably went off a bit due to your own anxiety and I do wonder if that is linked to his secret/withdrawn drinking- if you can own that but also say to him that you’re concerned about all of the above which isn’t helping, can you together agree some things, then you’ve got a good opportunity to work things out for the good of all of you. If he can’t or won’t meet you halfway you’ve got some decisions to make.

Oh and ignore the posters trying to make you feel like a shit Mum- you’re quite clearly not.

Best of luck

@ivfbeenbusy

To be honest you're more at blame for not watching her close enough so that she had time to get her hands on it and drink it?

You are projecting you're blame on to him when he's got just as much right to blame you? 🤷‍♀️

you win the award for most stupid and offensive post. Happy now?

@justasking111 wow, thanks for that 😢

@Eckhart No I now drive every weekend because of this.

@Eckhart some people also turn to drugs because of it. Would it be ok if he did lines of coke or smoked weed? If DD found his drug stash instead?

He also smokes in the house, which I find unacceptable even as a smoker myself.

These behaviours add up.

Nearly daily drinking(be it on the way home or in the toilet, or sometimes both). Drinking early on a weekend when he knows there will be driving and/or family activities. Smoking inside to house with a toddler.

I don't blame OP for being fed up, and blowing at what seemingly is a simple accident. However it's not, it's a culmination of all his behaviours.

@DontCryForMeNextdoorNeighbour I never said anything about wine at a picnic 🤷🏻‍♀️
Yes we argue about him smoking..inside the bloody house with my toddler there?
No issue with him smoking outside

@justasking111

Chuckling that he hides in the loo from you when he gets in from work for a ciggie and a glass of wine. Suspect that he has a drink on a Saturday morning to give him dutch courage to endure a day with you. If he does this why the hell are you getting in the car. You are not compatible so divorce and find yourself a teetotal husband who does as he is told

Would you say the same if he took drugs?

I don't think lid on in a picnic basket is really leaving it out for baby to drink, so I don't think it's his fault. Also you weren't neglecting her, things happen in a second so I don't think it's your fault. Sometimes accidents happen and they aren't anyone's fault

However this clearly isn't about baby drinking wine.

It seems it's about your unhappy marriage and your perception of his addictions.

If you're not happy, you need to deal with that.

I'm a recovering alcoholic (I mention as I always think I might be projecting stuff) but I'm worried reading your posts that he might be a sort of functioning alcoholic - so drinking enough to never be sober, but not enough to appear outwardly to be drunk. Your tolerance builds up to alcohol over time and I've known folk who carry on for decades drinking like this. Is what I'm describing possible?

I would have reacted the same as you did to the wine incident - probably more so as I hate alcohol for what I let it turn me into. Not your fault at all of course and yes, just an accident, but there's more to it here. Carelessness with open bottles/where you leave the drink can be a sign of problematic drinking too.

But maybe he's just gotten into some sort of weird, low level lockdown drinking pattern and it's not escalated into anything worse, yet.... But I'd share your concern and anxiety over the drinking here, from what you've described.

I would've thought it was just an accident, I'd of been upset too though.

Not the same, but I left an opened can of Pepsi max next to my seat only for DS (1) to take a sip. I felt like the worst mum in the world, we are human and these things do happen.

It was just a sip and your little DD is okay, take it as a lesson learned and I'm sure Your DH is equally as traumatised by what happened

LTB

Really.

It sounds like it's a lot for you OP.

[quote Nomechange]@DontCryForMeNextdoorNeighbour I never said anything about wine at a picnic 🤷🏻‍♀️
Yes we argue about him smoking..inside the bloody house with my toddler there?
No issue with him smoking outside[/quote]
"He says he put it there to ‘Hide it’ as I go on about his drinking, "

This is saying he hid it in the picnic basket because you would disapprove, no?

I missed the point actually, was he hiding it in a picnic basket? Or was you going out with the picnic basket.

If he's hiding it in there, that's a bigger issue

Echoing others but the hiding booze is worrying. One of my parents used to hide booze around the house, including cartons of wine (once in my toy box!)

some people also turn to drugs because of it. Would it be ok if he did lines of coke or smoked weed? If DD found his drug stash instead

I didn't say his behaviour was ok. It's up to OP to decide whether his behaviour is ok for her. And if not, the first line of action is to try to talk about it, and if that doesn't work, the next line of action is to leave.

What I was getting at is that blaming one or other partner is not the way forward, and it doesn't help OP to do this. What will help is to empower her to respect her own feelings, and to take responsibility for the part she plays. 'It's all his fault!!' is not the way forward. 'His behaviour is unacceptable to me, so I'm going to do x and y so that me and our child don't have to deal with it any more' is.

@justasking111 Perhaps you’re right and it’s all my fault and he does it to be around me, I don’t know anymore