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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Toddler drank wine-fuming

314 replies

Nomechange · 06/12/2020 11:57

This morning my dp went out to get milk and I was in the kitchen taking my vitamins with my back to my Dd-2.6 years old. When I turned around she was drinking wine out of a carton. Our picnic basket was on the floor by the bridge and it had been put in there by dp.
Luckily it was hopefully only a sip and two hours later after careful observation, she seems fine.
Aibu to be completely pissed off with my dp for leaving it there? He’s now upset with me and says accidents happen and he wouldn’t be angry with me. I was full of anxiety this morning after it happened and was really upset about it.
He says he put it there to ‘Hide it’ as I go on about his drinking, sick of the bs, just wish he’d grow up like we all have to when we become parents, surely?

OP posts:

Eckhart · 06/12/2020 12:57

It does piss me off, is that my issue or his

Ok so I’m sensing from all of the posts I’m to blame, really doesn’t feel like that

You are looking for whose fault it is. This approach won't help you. If he is doing something which doesn't endanger anybody else, and you have a problem with it, the problem is 'the relationship's problem'. There are no rules. If he wants to spend his life sitting on the toilet, drinking beer, that's entirely his prerogative. If you want to spend the rest of your life feeling hard done to by this behaviour, continue as you are. But if you want something to change, change something. Try to understand why he does it. Try to get him to understand why you don't like it. See how far you get with respecting each other's point of view, once everything is out in the open. You might be able to come to an agreement, or maybe one of you will change. If you can't do this, there are deeper issues in your relationship, which might explain why he drinks, and why you get so frustrated that you have to post on an internet forum about why the hell he's not being a grown up, when you're not being a grown up yourself and are approaching the issue essentially pointing your finger and saying 'He started it.'

Smellbellina · 06/12/2020 12:58

OP it’s not you, your DP had a definite drink problem, smoking and drinking on the toilet? That’s what my alcoholic brother used to do funnily enough.
I don’t blame you at all for objecting!

PlanDeRaccordement · 06/12/2020 12:59

Oh dear God don't be ridiculous. Can you run to the bathroom, use the toilet, wash your hands and be back again in 2 minutes? Have a shower?

I recall many years of using the toilet with the door open and my toddlers in the bathroom with me. Showers I had only when DH was watching the kids. And I’ve had four DC under age 8 to handle.

Smellbellina · 06/12/2020 12:59

Try to understand why he does it. Try to get him to understand why you don't like it.

WTF?!

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 06/12/2020 12:59

@Nomechange

My reaction to her drinking it perhaps was my anxiety, I admit that. It shocked me and with no previous experience of it and reading up on it, before knowing what to do, I admit I was panicked, yes. If that’s not normal, I’m willing to acknowledge that and perhaps chill out over incidents like that. I’m not sure, it’s just the whole thing with the drinking and smoking is bringing me down now.

I think it was the realisation that his drinking habits not only affect you now ,but also DD. A very concrete ,powerful visual of something that you already worried about deep down.

And maybe the hope that the "seriousness " of it would open his eye and bring at least some admittance he's wrong,if not actual change. Which of course it was actually met with shrugged shoulder and blame put onto you for "nagging".

CaptainMyCaptain · 06/12/2020 13:00

Apparently I downed a glass of brandy when I was a toddler (how? I couldn't do that now). I had a long sleep but no permanent damage and I didn't turn into an alcoholic either.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 06/12/2020 13:00

@PlanDeRaccordement

Oh dear God don't be ridiculous. Can you run to the bathroom, use the toilet, wash your hands and be back again in 2 minutes? Have a shower?

I recall many years of using the toilet with the door open and my toddlers in the bathroom with me. Showers I had only when DH was watching the kids. And I’ve had four DC under age 8 to handle.

Aww weren't you the perfect martyr mother? I like to shit in peace.. sue me.

TheOtherMaryBerry · 06/12/2020 13:01

I recall many years of using the toilet with the door open and my toddlers in the bathroom with me. Showers I had only when DH was watching the kids. And I’ve had four DC under age 8 to handle.

So what do you do if you don't have a partner? Or they work away or extremely long hours. Or you go to the loo with the door open and they walk into another room? I have absolutely no idea how you think it's possible to watch a toddler all day... genuinely, it's surely impossible.

Original poster

Nomechange · 06/12/2020 13:01

@DartmoorChef That would be great if he did that, no problem. I’m not even that bothered about the drinking on the toilet, strange as I find it. That’s more about the frequency and the hiding away of it. Again, I wouldn’t care if he came home and drank a beer or wine or whatever and had cigarettes outside. Drinking on a weekend morning is out of order in my eyes, we usually go out for the day and he sometimes drives etc

OP posts:

Eckhart · 06/12/2020 13:01

so around 10am and he’d already drunk, I could tell. I’m not sure how much, but surely that’s not normal

For many, many people, it's 'normal'. It's a shame. But this isn't about 'normal'. It's about what you're comfortable with. Unless he is endangering your child by being drunk when he is responsible for her. That would altogether change the situation.

ThatIsNotMyUsername · 06/12/2020 13:02

I drank a load from a bottle of vinegar when I was about 3. Apparently I was gasping and when my mum tried to prize the bottle from my hands I was clinging on for grim death. I still like vinegar mind you...

PerdidathePostwoman · 06/12/2020 13:02

He has it in the toilet mainly as he comes home from work and goes to the toilet, has a cigarette there too

But this doesn’t answer why he goes to the toilet? (I mean for longer than it physically takes to use the toilet.) Or why he drinks/smokes in there. Do you know? Is it because you’d disapprove if he had a drink/smoke elsewhere? Not judging you for this, just trying to get a clear picture.

And again: what happens if you discuss any of this with him?

The toddler supervision thing is a non issue IMO - sounds like you’re an attentive and vigilant parent.

PlanDeRaccordement · 06/12/2020 13:02

@TheOtherMaryBerry

I recall many years of using the toilet with the door open and my toddlers in the bathroom with me. Showers I had only when DH was watching the kids. And I’ve had four DC under age 8 to handle.

But OP does have a partner so not sure how the “what if” is even relevant.

PerdidathePostwoman · 06/12/2020 13:03

[quote Nomechange]@DartmoorChef That would be great if he did that, no problem. I’m not even that bothered about the drinking on the toilet, strange as I find it. That’s more about the frequency and the hiding away of it. Again, I wouldn’t care if he came home and drank a beer or wine or whatever and had cigarettes outside. Drinking on a weekend morning is out of order in my eyes, we usually go out for the day and he sometimes drives etc[/quote]
Sorry X post - have you ever asked him: why do you drink/smoke on the toilet? It sounds like you don’t communicate but sorry if I’m getting that wrong.

GoldenOmber · 06/12/2020 13:04

The OP won’t know how much he’s drinking, because he’s hiding it.

So it’s not really possible for any of us here to know if he’s drinking worrying amounts or not. But if he’s at the stage where he’s hiding alcohol around the house, and his response to his toddler drinking some of it is to put the blame on another adult for ‘going on about’ his drinking, signs are that there’s a problem here.

MrsBobDylan · 06/12/2020 13:04

From your updates your dh is an alcoholic. He won't be able to stop drinking unless he decides it's a problem because he is dependent on it. From your description he is drinking in the morning, on his way home from work, in the evenings and even on the bog!! Safe to assume he has a problem.

If he he doesn't agree though, what are you going to do? Growing up with an alcoholic parent really will damage your dd.

Nanny0gg · 06/12/2020 13:04

@Nomechange

He has it in the toilet mainly as he comes home from work and goes to the toilet, has a cigarette there too, which is also a massive bone of contention. I see it as a problem, it feels like a problem to me. Again I have no issue with alcohol

To be frank, he sounds revolting.

What do you want to do about it?

Thelnebriati · 06/12/2020 13:04

Well done to everyone missing the point and blaming OP. We see you turn up to every thread to pull the same stunt, hopefully one day youll have collected enough dick pandering points for the big prize.

SlippersForFlippers · 06/12/2020 13:06

If you were eating chocolate and he complained about it every time you did it in front of him surely you'd get annoyed?

I sometimes take treat food upstairs as other people in the house sit and watch me eat it and it's annoying. They had the opportunity to add stuff to the online order too, I eventually got fed up of being made to feel guilty for buying something specifically for me so I just take it upstairs with a film.

Eckhart · 06/12/2020 13:06

@Smellbellina

Try to understand why he does it. Try to get him to understand why you don't like it.

WTF?!

Yes, I think that the best first line of action is for each of them to try to understand the other. You may recommend a more dramatic course of action because OP's partner is doing one behaviour just like your alcoholic brother did, but your alcoholic brother is not a benchmark for OP, and quite possibly has different reasons for this behaviour. We don't his reasons. Or perhaps you do..?

Iwonder08 · 06/12/2020 13:08

OP, you sound intense and quite unpleasant. Did it occur to you that your DH might be hiding wine because he is afraid of your overreaction?
If you do believe he is an alcoholic then rather than 'loosing it' and shouting, talk to him calmly. See what he has to say.
RE your toddler - unfortunate accident

Nomnomarrgh · 06/12/2020 13:08

I'm not you, so I don't know what the actual situation is, but you appear to have anxiety. Google is not your friend. The coma thing will not be after a sip of wine and it would be straight away, not after a couple of hours of careful watching.

Eckhart · 06/12/2020 13:08

@Thelnebriati

Wow. Nasty! Do you say this to everyone who doesn't share the same point of view as you?

tolerable · 06/12/2020 13:08

glad to hear the wee ones fine. Take the opportunity to reitterate NEVER to eat or drink anything mum ot dad hasnt said was ok first.
kick him out.
hiding anything isnt good in relationship.Poorly concealing it(cos,you know hes doing it in bathroom)wont get better.he might argue your ott and infringing on his adult choice to drink.its causing a rupture and it isnt likely to improve.do whats needed for you n child.

PicsInRed · 06/12/2020 13:09

Secret drinking and hiding alcohol around the house is classic alcoholic behaviour. Your child finding and drinking some of his booze is a child protection issue. You could find social services involved in firture and they won't look kindly on enablement and concealing endangerment. I would use this opportunity to leave - if you dont leave now, you will lose the opportunity to cite it in child arrangements as the question will rightly be "why are you so concerned now, why weren't you concerned years before?".

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