Toddler drank wine-fuming

[Nomechange]

This morning my dp went out to get milk and I was in the kitchen taking my vitamins with my back to my Dd-2.6 years old. When I turned around she was drinking wine out of a carton. Our picnic basket was on the floor by the bridge and it had been put in there by dp.
Luckily it was hopefully only a sip and two hours later after careful observation, she seems fine.
Aibu to be completely pissed off with my dp for leaving it there? He’s now upset with me and says accidents happen and he wouldn’t be angry with me. I was full of anxiety this morning after it happened and was really upset about it.
He says he put it there to ‘Hide it’ as I go on about his drinking, sick of the bs, just wish he’d grow up like we all have to when we become parents, surely?

I feel scared though if he actually is an alcoholic, that’s a huge thing, what if he can’t stop.

My mother was a firm believer in John Jameson babies (babies given whisky to get them to sleep.) She couldn't understand why I thought that wasn't on. Because I'm teetotal she thought I just had some weird hangup. I'm pretty sure that my siblings and I were all given whisky and I know my gran said my aunt was given it alot as she was "difficult." Makes you wonder how kids survived.

A sip of wine will probably be OK.

I’ve just come along late to this thread and I’m completely shocked by it. So much nastiness towards the OP.

You do not need to watch a toddler every second of the day if they’re somewhere you think is safe.
It’s the DP’s fault the toddler drank the wine as only he knew of the hazard.
It is not acceptable to smoke in the house when your partner asks you not to.
It is not acceptable to smoke in the house when you have a child ther.
It is not normal to drink at 10am.
It is not normal to hide alcohol around the house.
It is not OP’s fault her DP drinks too much.
It is quite likely the DP is an alcohol.

Sadly OP, if the last one is correct, then he has to accept there is a problem and want to change, which I think is unlikely. You can’t change him by talking to him and trying to persuade him, it has to come from him.

My best friend was in a similar situation to this - she had emigrated to NZ. Her DH started doing things like putting their DD at risk by picking her up from school in the car when he’d been drinking. She spent a lot of years trying to change him but in the end she gave up and they split. I do feel for you, it’s really tough.

By the way, your toddler is very unlikely to be harmed by the small amount of alcohol. My DS drank perfume when he was tiny and he was fine.

@Nomechange

I feel scared though if he actually is an alcoholic, that’s a huge thing, what if he can’t stop.

Then you have to decide if you want to spend your life , and raise your child, with an alcoholic.

[quote Nomechange]@FingersCrossedForChristmasAll I think he would yes, but then what would happen when we got there? Could I see if it changed once we’d gone home[/quote]
I think you could see if things changed when you got back to the UK yes. At least you would have family support and wouldn’t feel so trapped and isolated. Is he close to his family in the UK too?
If this doesn’t seem like an option I think you’ve got to talk to him about the drinking (and smoking). He needs help to address his drinking especially as you say he has got worse since you were pregnant and now you have a toddler.

@Nomechange

I feel scared though if he actually is an alcoholic, that’s a huge thing, what if he can’t stop.

He definitely has a drinking problem. You need to accept that.

It's not really a question of whether he is an alcoholic, it's the fact that you don't want to live your life like that. Stay calm and when covid rules relax a little, go and visit your family in the UK and have a good think about how you want to proceed.

It makes more sense that you're struggling with this if you were raised with alcohol abuse in your household. You have been conditioned to accept it, right back into your childhood. And from an authority figure, too. There's really no wonder you're having trouble separating his responsibility from yours, or blaming yourself.

It doesn't really matter if he wakes up in the morning and has a drink. He is a problem drinker. Do you want to raise your child with a problem drinker as a father? Just like your upbringing? How old were you when you noticed your father's drinking?

I think your toddler will be OK OP, it’s likely she only had a sip, and as pp’s have said plenty of kids will sneak sips of booze when the adults aren’t looking - it never did me or my siblings any harm.

There are quite a few posters here defensively criticising you for being “uptight” or “puritanical” about alcohol consumption based on very little information, possibly feeling a need to justify their own excessive drinking. Lots of people drink too much for their health, without necessarily being alcoholics - drinking every night has become normalised in today’s society, but it’s really not part of a healthy lifestyle.

OP you are quite right to be concerned at your husband’s drinking. Drinking in the bathroom, hiding alcohol, drinking in the morning are all red flags. You are perfectly entitled to be unhappy with any level of drinking that you feel uncomfortable with, especially as it’s already causing you anxiety (in my opinion, quite reasonably). Don’t let anyone tell you that you should lower your own boundaries and put up with a level of alcohol consumption that you are not comfortable living with.

You need to have a serious conversation with your husband but also be aware that you are not responsible for his problem relationship with alcohol, you can’t change his behaviour, you can’t cure him. You can only decide that you don’t want this in your life and make plans to move on from it.

@Eckhart That’s exactly what I don’t want and thought dp was a pretty safe bet as he only drank when out and wasn’t that fussed, we’ve been together since we were very young, whose to know someone would turn out like that.
Probably around 8 years old, I hated it, it came with lots of silliness (on good days) I still hated that though, and aggressive times when it was bad, I definitely will have issues deep down with it all and still can’t understand how my mum allowed it in a way, but also see it must have been hard for her with 3 children and no job in those days.
Perhaps I am repeating my childhood, there were lots of happy times too but I still feel nervous when people are shitfaced, I didn’t when younger as was quite a big drunker myself and not a good drunk either-maybe history repeats itself.
The rows and crying are the things I said I’d never ever subject any child of mine too, and I’m going down the same path by the looks of it.

*Drinker

*To

You can stop your child having the same childhood you did though. You need to start by having a frank discussion with your husband, and by trying to move back to the UK.

Your little one won't have come to any harm from a small sip, but you know that now. You can't watch them 24/7 - I can only presume those that claimed they watched over theirs continuously never slept.

Smoking in the toilet is not on. It smacks of school kids having a crafty fag out of the teachers' eyes. Smoking anywhere in the house when you have children isn't good at all.

His drinking isn't normal. Hiding alcohol, drinking in other rooms, behind closed doors, early in the morning. That's nothing to do with your views on alcohol. That's all him.

If the only way to come back to the UK is to do it together (and that's what you want to do), do it that way.
You don't need to say that you're thinking of splitting once you get here, just that you want to go home. Would he be open to moving?
Then once you are here and not so reliant, make the decision on whether to stay.

The rows and crying are the things I said I’d never ever subject any child of mine too, and I’m going down the same path by the looks of it

I said this upthread and I'll say it again: this is YOUR life, and YOU are in charge of which paths you go down. You can choose how you deal with this. You could go for 'helpless victim' ('it's not my fault'/'I'm trapped'/'He's not always awful, so I'll stay'/'Maybe he'll change if I just wait a bit more' ect) or you could get tough, and recognise where your power is, and where your power isn't ('I can't change his behaviour but I can change mine'/'OMFG I've got to get myself out of her, whatever it takes'/'I resolutely will not put my daughter through the same childhood I had.')

thought dp was a pretty safe bet as he only drank when out and wasn’t that fussed, we’ve been together since we were very young, whose to know someone would turn out like that

Are you feeling guilty in some way for not having seen this coming? You can't always know, and if your father was drinking problematically, you were raised with a skewed view of what's acceptable. Red flags for alcoholism might be invisible to you, because you just got used to them when you were little.

YANBU. I’m glad your DC is ok.

I’d be more worried about hiding drinking though...

Ahh,yes, I knew in time @PlanDeRaccordement and @Bluntness100 rear their heads and write unkind and judgmental comments (Plan) and Bluntness writes as if she's reading a completely different thread-what game is the OP playing,@Bluntness? She didn't know her child would have access to wine! @PlanDeRaccordement there's no perfect parents,including you

@PurpleWave

If the only way to come back to the UK is to do it together (and that's what you want to do), do it that way. You don't need to say that you're thinking of splitting once you get here, just that you want to go home. Would he be open to moving? Then once you are here and not so reliant, make the decision on whether to stay.

That is cruel. Terrible advice.

I know I need to take action, it’s a massive thing though and will be really really hard.

Thanks so much to all those with kind advice, it’s an ongoing difficult situation.

There were some nasty comments which I don’t really understand at all, why comment to deliberate be an arseholr, especially when someone is struggling

@Nomechange

I know I need to take action, it’s a massive thing though and will be really really hard.

Baby steps. First is to accept that there is a problem. You are not responsible for it. You can't fix it. You can't change it or him.You can't control it.

The only thing you can control is how to react to it, what to do in the future, how you want your life to be.

Its an accident. Could have happened to anyone

Your dh sneakily drinking and hiding it from you however? ? Big red flag..

@AccidentallyOnPurpose Thanks so much for all your advice, I really do appreciate it.

So your P, has some drinks after work every single day.

He comes home goes straight to the toilet to drink some more and smoke.

He drinks on the weekends by 10am on the weekend, enough for you to notice he’s been drinking/you’re able to smell it on him etc.

And your P hides wine around the house and you are unsure how much he drinks.

I don’t think any of the above sounds normal, more like your P has an alcohol dependancy.

Can you convince your P to come back to the UK then you can ask him to either get help or leave. You can’t continue like this, your P’s drinking is having a pretty deep affect on your lives.