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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think Sil is a CF?

363 replies

UsernameA1B2 · 05/12/2020 17:49

Changed username as this is quite outing.
Background - I'm a sahm so look after dc (almost 3) and do all the cooking and cleaning. Dh works from home full time with lockdown. Dc is quite an active handful and and I'm quite stressed/ busy with dc and my OCD (it has got worse during the lockdowns, but I'm reading some ocd books and slowly trying to reduce the amount of ocd rituals. I might ask to be put on waiting list for cbt but with lots of people suffering with their mental health I don't want to take the place of someone who may need it more. My in laws do not know about my ocd).
Mil lives about 60 miles away and we don't have a car as we both can't drive. Mil rents a house and the tenants moved out recently and left the house and garden in a bit of a mess. Mil wants to move into this house so she can sell the house they living in as they downsizing.

Sil sent dh this text: I think u should consider offering to come down for a wknd or couple days over Xmas to help clean the house (either alone or with the wife and dc). Mums physically drained looking after her mum and fighting her shingles and FIL getting on and doing so much as well. I'm high risk with my job. You're relatively low risk working from home.

Sil is a primary school teacher. AIBU or is that mega cheeky? We are in tier 3 and before the recent lockdown we were in tier 3. Me and dh looking forward to a break over Christmas and my parents helping with dc for a few days over Christmas. We certainly do not want to go and clean mil's house.

OP posts:
SharedLife · 05/12/2020 17:53

What does DH think?

YellowMelllow · 05/12/2020 17:54

She's rude to message saying he should go and clean without offering to help herself.

However, I'd happily help my mum clean (and would expect my brother too as well).

Original poster
UsernameA1B2 · 05/12/2020 17:56

Also forgot to add Sil is single with no dc.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 05/12/2020 17:56

I don’t think she is cheeky, she is looking for the safest way to help your MIL get the help she needs.

If you can’t do it say so but perhaps offer to help find local cleaners who can go in and do it or something?

ohidoliketobe · 05/12/2020 17:56

YNBU, but it's between DH and his sister. I'd keep out of it. I don't get involved in sibling issues between my DH and his sister and brother. He's an adult, he makes sensible choices (that I agree with most of the time). Not my battle.

Soubriquet · 05/12/2020 17:56

Technically she is higher risk since she’s working with kids..

And she wasn’t rude to message, as it was a suggestion not a demand.

Everyone wants to relax at Christmas, but it sounds like your MiL has had a tough time, and would it kill you to help out a couple of hours?

Original poster
UsernameA1B2 · 05/12/2020 17:56

Dh was shocked by the text

OP posts:
PenguinLove1 · 05/12/2020 17:57

I don't really see what the issue is, she is just asking him to consider offering to help his parents, not ordering him to.

If his mum has had shingles and is also caring for her own mum why would her son not want to help for a day or two, is that not what families are for?

But if you aren't able to and it doesn't suit he should just text her back saying he doesn't want to, no need to make a big deal about it.

Sometimes ive suggested to my sister that she do something for my parents if i think it might make more sense for her to do it instead of me, but i wouldn't be offended if she said no. Sounds like your sil just wants to help, and if she is a teacher then she probably shouldn't be mixing with them too much anyway so thought it might be easier if your husband did, which it does sound like it would be.

Mariebarrone · 05/12/2020 17:57

If the tenants have left the house in such a state mil should keep hold of some of the deposit and get the cleaners in.

sortmylifeoutplease · 05/12/2020 17:58

Going against the grain here, but I don't think she's a CF, just someone trying to help her parents in a safe way.

IndecentFeminist · 05/12/2020 17:58

It isn't exactly rude to ask him to help out? His mum sounds like she needs it and it is what families do.

Is SIL nearby? Are you presuming that she is asking him in place of her? As nothing in that text says so.

Sirzy · 05/12/2020 17:59

In normal times who helps her out when she needs it?

LeGrandBleu · 05/12/2020 17:59

So the in-laws need help and she suggested you all (SIL included) go down to try to sort it in a weekend?

My3dahliasarebloominlovely · 05/12/2020 17:59

So she wants your family to travel 60 miles on public transport at the busiest (and riskiest) time of the year? With a 3 year old? Putting your entire family at risk. YANBU!
How about suggesting to SIL that perhaps it would be better for her and for your DH to club together to pay for a cleaner to go in and sort it?

IndecentFeminist · 05/12/2020 18:00

And being single doesn't mean she has to do all the shitwork. Unless there was a real hard reason we couldn't both dh and I would want to help our parent on either side in this circumstance. In fact, we'd have offered.

Perhaps he was shocked because he didn't like being called out and felt a little ashamed it hadn't occured to him to help?

HebeJeeby · 05/12/2020 18:00

I second MIL using some of the deposit to get in professional cleaners and gardeners.

LilyE1234 · 05/12/2020 18:01

Is SIL local to their mum? Perhaps she feels she gets the majority of the load when it comes to helping her out and it’s time for your DH to step it up.

Stinkyjellycat · 05/12/2020 18:01

Why is it cheeky to suggest your DH to help his mum (who sounds like she’s having a tough time)? She’s right that she’s at a higher risk of passing something on that you are. Your OCD is irrelevant as you say they don’t know about this. I really don’t understand your problem.

IndecentFeminist · 05/12/2020 18:01

She probably only said about the family to show they were welcome. I'd go if I were him and leave wife/kids at home.

Possums4evr · 05/12/2020 18:01

It's more cheeky that a son wouldn't think of lifting a hand to help his mother.

Original poster
UsernameA1B2 · 05/12/2020 18:01

Sil is alot nearer and it would be difficult for us to get there. And with my ocd I'm struggling at the moment. They also have not been any help with dc ever

OP posts:
katienana · 05/12/2020 18:02

If your MIL owns 2 properties she can afford to pay her own cleaner. SIL probably just doesn't realise how busy and tiring it is having young kids. I wouldn't get too hot up about it just get your dh to say no and explain why.

tallduckandhandsome · 05/12/2020 18:02

She’s a CF. If she texted suggested saying her and DH go clean that would be better but she can’t dictate like this and get out of it herself with a spurious excuse for why she can’t go.

And why the fuck is she involving you?

DrSop · 05/12/2020 18:02

@My3dahliasarebloominlovely

So she wants your family to travel 60 miles on public transport at the busiest (and riskiest) time of the year? With a 3 year old? Putting your entire family at risk. YANBU! How about suggesting to SIL that perhaps it would be better for her and for your DH to club together to pay for a cleaner to go in and sort it?
I agree with this.
IndecentFeminist · 05/12/2020 18:02

If being a sahm to a 3 yr old is the extent of the hardship, I'm rolling my eyes a little tbh.

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