AIBU to think Sil is a CF?

[UsernameA1B2]

Changed username as this is quite outing.
Background - I'm a sahm so look after dc (almost 3) and do all the cooking and cleaning. Dh works from home full time with lockdown. Dc is quite an active handful and and I'm quite stressed/ busy with dc and my OCD (it has got worse during the lockdowns, but I'm reading some ocd books and slowly trying to reduce the amount of ocd rituals. I might ask to be put on waiting list for cbt but with lots of people suffering with their mental health I don't want to take the place of someone who may need it more. My in laws do not know about my ocd).
Mil lives about 60 miles away and we don't have a car as we both can't drive. Mil rents a house and the tenants moved out recently and left the house and garden in a bit of a mess. Mil wants to move into this house so she can sell the house they living in as they downsizing.

Sil sent dh this text: I think u should consider offering to come down for a wknd or couple days over Xmas to help clean the house (either alone or with the wife and dc). Mums physically drained looking after her mum and fighting her shingles and FIL getting on and doing so much as well. I'm high risk with my job. You're relatively low risk working from home.

Sil is a primary school teacher. AIBU or is that mega cheeky? We are in tier 3 and before the recent lockdown we were in tier 3. Me and dh looking forward to a break over Christmas and my parents helping with dc for a few days over Christmas. We certainly do not want to go and clean mil's house.

It's a case of 'my money is worth more than your time' Jenstar.

Regardless of what SIL messaged, why wouldn't you want to help? No one is saying you have to go, your DH sounds perfectly capable. Let's hope your children aren't as selfish with you when they are older!

Stormzy How is it selfish to expect a very well off person to pay for a cleaner rather than expect someone from a Tier 3 area to travel 3 hours by public transport to clean a rental?

@StormzyInaDCup

Regardless of what SIL messaged, why wouldn't you want to help? No one is saying you have to go, your DH sounds perfectly capable. Let's hope your children aren't as selfish with you when they are older!

MIL got the entire deposit from the tenants. The point of getting the deposit is so you can use it to cover the costs to clean, etc. And if the house was in such a state that MIL got the entire deposit, then it'll be a job for professionals, not OP's DH.

Mums physically drained looking after her mum and fighting her shingles and FIL getting on and doing so much as well.

Well - is MIL suffering from shingles? Does she care for her own mother?

She might bloody well be in need of some support.

Does your DH ever help out supporting his parents?

Of course, if there’s backstory with SIL, which you’re implying, then that’s different. But on the face of it your objection seems to be that your DH is being asked to help his own mother, and that’s not unreasonable at all. Your OCD, your D.C., your lack of car- none of these are particularly relevant to the question of whether he might help his mum out.

He can offer different helpful suggestions and get in touch with his mum himself if he’s so outraged by the suggestion.

But I don’t think your SIL is cheeky at all for the text itself.

@tallduckandhandsome

Stormzy How is it selfish to expect a very well off person to pay for a cleaner rather than expect someone from a Tier 3 area to travel 3 hours by public transport to clean a rental?

Exactly.

Update - Mil is coming to us for one day over Christmas for lunch. But now Sil is trying to invite herself. She is too high risk to help clean but if its a free lunch then its fine. Mil's rental property house she can clean alone - no someone else should do it because she is too high risk for Mil. All sitting around a dinner table with Mil for a free lunch - yes. That is my problem with Sil she is expecting someone else to do something she has no intention of ever doing and uses an excuse when its needed but then tosses it when needed to suit her. Sil would never lift a finger to help people but expects others to.
I knew she would be seeing Mil for lunch/ dinner over Christmas as long as someone else is paying/ making it. Because this is her classic standard behaviour.

So say no? Tell her you'll be over your limit of the number of households you can meet up with then.

How did you get to the point of MIL coming to you? I hope your DH is either going to cook or take on the job of chatting to her all day.

Yanbu. Why the hell should you or dh go clean someone else's house?? Your mil sounds like she can afford a cleaning service who would be done in a few hours as opposed to yourll wasting days with this trip. They sound tight. Same type of people who try to rope others to help them move house when they should be hiring a moving service.

Why indeed. I'll let ds know there's no way in hell I'll be cleaning his room from now on. It's not as if family should help eachother out is it?

Even if you were local it's a CF request. Renting out properties is a business and the hiring of cleaners when necessary is a normal part of that. I'm sure someone local would be grateful for the job.

Oooh we were overdue another one of these threads where family members volunteer other family members to clean peoples houses. Exciting!!

Yanbu, a professional company should be doing this.

Plus when it comes to who helps who it’s not that simple, family dynamics are incredibly hard to truly explain. The well my family would do that means that’s what your family does. Even using the exact wording will have different meaning depending on the family dynamics.

Mil sounds like she's well off if she has a property portfolio so obviously should just pay a cleaner. It's a business expense. It's madness to travel on public transport from tier 3 to essentially do free work for her business.

@ItsIgginningtolookalotlikeXmas

Why indeed. I'll let ds know there's no way in hell I'll be cleaning his room from now on. It's not as if family should help eachother out is it?

Unless your son is under the age of 5 or SEN no way should you be cleaning his room at all

How old are your dc?
You make a 6 year old change his bed, hoover, dust and do his own laundry?

@NoSquirrels

Mums physically drained looking after her mum and fighting her shingles and FIL getting on and doing so much as well.

Well - is MIL suffering from shingles? Does she care for her own mother?

She might bloody well be in need of some support.

Does your DH ever help out supporting his parents?

Of course, if there’s backstory with SIL, which you’re implying, then that’s different. But on the face of it your objection seems to be that your DH is being asked to help his own mother, and that’s not unreasonable at all. Your OCD, your D.C., your lack of car- none of these are particularly relevant to the question of whether he might help his mum out.

He can offer different helpful suggestions and get in touch with his mum himself if he’s so outraged by the suggestion.

But I don’t think your SIL is cheeky at all for the text itself.

Its extremely unreasonable to expect DH to do it when she has the full deposit back which is meant to pay for the cleaning. Why should mom make a handsome profit off the back of her kid. Unless she is paying her son that full deposit to clean the home then she is being extremely unreasonable

yanbu get a cleaner in

So you said DH was shocked. I have looked through the thread but I can't see anything about what his take is on this?

@ItsIgginningtolookalotlikeXmas

How old are your dc? You make a 6 year old change his bed, hoover, dust and do his own laundry?

Yes my 5yo does hoover, change her bed and dust her room. She is also responsible for putting her clothes in the laundry chute and putting away her clothes. Its not rocket science and most of its done every morning before she signs in to class. Her bed is made every day but only changed 3 times a week and it's dusted once a week.She hoovers every morning

Is the journey to clean a house no one is living in, using various methods of public transport, essential? In a Tier 3 area. No it's not. So she shouldn't be even suggesting it. There's a fucking pandemic. Anything else is irrelevant at the present time.

Its extremely unreasonable to expect DH to do it when she has the full deposit back which is meant to pay for the cleaning.

Eh? No. The deposit is meant to be for insurance. If the current tenants have not cleaned or looked after the property well enough you would be within your rights to retain part of the deposit to pay for cleaning or repairs. It is illegal to retain the deposit otherwise.

OP it's impossible to tell whether your SIL is being unreasonable from a single text. It sounds to me as you're looking for some implied slight. If your husband doesn't want to go and clean it, that's fine: suggest you pay for professional cleaners and split the bill.

If the mil is holding back any of the previous tenants deposit for end of tenancy cleaning she will need a professional invoice to show the deposit scheme administrators.

Just call an end of tenancy cleaning company and get it done

@UsernameA1B2

Update - Mil is coming to us for one day over Christmas for lunch. But now Sil is trying to invite herself. She is too high risk to help clean but if its a free lunch then its fine. Mil's rental property house she can clean alone - no someone else should do it because she is too high risk for Mil. All sitting around a dinner table with Mil for a free lunch - yes. That is my problem with Sil she is expecting someone else to do something she has no intention of ever doing and uses an excuse when its needed but then tosses it when needed to suit her. Sil would never lift a finger to help people but expects others to. I knew she would be seeing Mil for lunch/ dinner over Christmas as long as someone else is paying/ making it. Because this is her classic standard behaviour.

Just say "sorry we don't feel comfortable having you in the house as you've been working in a high risk job. It's just not safe enough. Looking forward to getting together soon though after MIL has had her vaccine and cases are lower"

Agree about holding back deposits and getting cleaners if possible but more importantly I don't think you should be comparing your circumstances with your SIL.

If your MIL is having a tough time then both her children should doing their best to help without being asked. It's not about one or the other or who's better placed, everyone should be showing willing.

That might not be travelling if it's not practical but there are alternatives - just make a different plan that still gets the job done.