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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think Sil is a CF?

363 replies

UsernameA1B2 · 05/12/2020 17:49

Changed username as this is quite outing.
Background - I'm a sahm so look after dc (almost 3) and do all the cooking and cleaning. Dh works from home full time with lockdown. Dc is quite an active handful and and I'm quite stressed/ busy with dc and my OCD (it has got worse during the lockdowns, but I'm reading some ocd books and slowly trying to reduce the amount of ocd rituals. I might ask to be put on waiting list for cbt but with lots of people suffering with their mental health I don't want to take the place of someone who may need it more. My in laws do not know about my ocd).
Mil lives about 60 miles away and we don't have a car as we both can't drive. Mil rents a house and the tenants moved out recently and left the house and garden in a bit of a mess. Mil wants to move into this house so she can sell the house they living in as they downsizing.

Sil sent dh this text: I think u should consider offering to come down for a wknd or couple days over Xmas to help clean the house (either alone or with the wife and dc). Mums physically drained looking after her mum and fighting her shingles and FIL getting on and doing so much as well. I'm high risk with my job. You're relatively low risk working from home.

Sil is a primary school teacher. AIBU or is that mega cheeky? We are in tier 3 and before the recent lockdown we were in tier 3. Me and dh looking forward to a break over Christmas and my parents helping with dc for a few days over Christmas. We certainly do not want to go and clean mil's house.

OP posts:
TonMoulin · 05/12/2020 18:20

What I have an issue with is the way the request is made. I would read that as a demand rather than a request.

Having said that, if you don’t want to go, then don’t.
If you want to help MIL, do it. But. Do it because you want to. Not because you’ve been told to do so. Or because. You are taking the place of the martyr.
Judge what you can and can’t do. And have a chat with MIL because she might well not expect you there!

Eugenieonegin · 05/12/2020 18:20

@AnneLovesGilbert

Okay. Well clearly everyone else is wrong and unreasonable and has it easier than you and your husband. So say no and hope not to be asked to help again Hmm
This.
WhatKatyDidNxt · 05/12/2020 18:20

Personally l would be tempted to text her to suggest she texts her brother, rather than you. Are you his house keeper / cleaner / PA / slave etc?!

ChloeDecker · 05/12/2020 18:21

It's madness to suggest you do a 6 hr round trip with a toddler to help.

In fairness, the text only asks if the DH would go round, with brackets referring to the OP and child if they wanted to.

Ferrari458 · 05/12/2020 18:21

Suggest that she and your DH split the cost of getting a couple of cleaners in to give the place a proper deep clean. Whether or not MIL could afford that herself it would be a nice thing to do for her. I can't see how SIL could justify refusing that.

Original poster
UsernameA1B2 · 05/12/2020 18:22

With waiting times and multiple buses yes 3 hours. 2 and a half if lucky with timings etc

OP posts:
TonMoulin · 05/12/2020 18:23

But @BojoKilledMyMojo, the difference is that you would help when the SIL doesn’t.
And you. Don’t have the issue re transport & MH the OP has.

longwayoff · 05/12/2020 18:23

Both families pay half for professional cleaning. What's wrong with you bickering over this? Hope you never get shingles.

slipperywhensparticus · 05/12/2020 18:23

@ChloeDecker

SiL is correct. She is more high risk to your MiL and by the sounds of it a very sick grandmother. Why would you want to risk your MiL and grandMiL catching Covid? SiL has it currently very difficult as a primary teacher. No reason why your DH can’t spare even a day to help out his own mother.

Judging by both your reactions to this harmless text, you don’t sound that particularly fair. Don’t do it if you don’t want to. But don’t condemn your SiL for caring. Remember, this could be your children talking about you in the future. I’d be devastated if I had an adult son who reacted in this way.

Its the empty house they are cleaning and a 6 hour round trip is hardly an effective use of time
Unicant · 05/12/2020 18:24

why does she need her house cleaned right now over Christmas? She's not going to try and sell over Christmas is she? And sil wants you to travel all that way on public transport either with a child.. or expects ur dh to leave his partner and child over Christmas period to do that? I do think thats quite cheeky actually.

Countdowntonothing · 05/12/2020 18:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TonMoulin · 05/12/2020 18:24

@ChloeDecker

It's madness to suggest you do a 6 hr round trip with a toddler to help.

In fairness, the text only asks if the DH would go round, with brackets referring to the OP and child if they wanted to.

Which then implies it’s ok for the OP to be on her own during some of the Christmas hols
slipperywhensparticus · 05/12/2020 18:24

Just contact some local cleaners see what they charge for perspective it might be around the cost if your train ticket

Possums4evr · 05/12/2020 18:24

Are you basing your view of the sil's lack of helpfulness on what she does at Christmas? Or do you know day to day what she does? Let's assume she looks after her own home at least! Which her brother doesn't have to do as he has a wife to do it for himSmile There may well be some sibling rivalry at play here.
You do come across as quite helpless and I'm sorry if that's not how you are in real life. You want to see your parents to help with the child at Christmas. You are both at home and have one child. Neither of you can drive - unless this is for medical reasons that really is your choice isn't it?

FestiveChristmasLights · 05/12/2020 18:25

@UsernameA1B2

Sil isn't jumping to help either, just demanding others do.
In a way, that is helping because she is doing the organising to get the end result for her mother.
BloggersBlog · 05/12/2020 18:25

Mil can definitely afford a cleaner, she is richer than Sil, bil and dh combined

There is a brother in law too? So there are 4 of you, 3 if you stay home with dc.

If SiL is saying about cleaning the empty house, then her job doesnt make a difference.

Your DH can go on a Saturday, stay at the house and clean it, and be back Sunday evening.

Or MiL can pay to have professional cleaners.

IndecentFeminist · 05/12/2020 18:26

Not literally over Christmas, but at some point over the next few weeks.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 05/12/2020 18:26

She said she thinks you should consider. So consider.

If she is constantly doing nothing to help then telling you what to do, then yes she is a CF. As a isolated incident l don't think she has done anything wrong. Maybe she thought you weren't aware of the situation, as DS so often aren't.

Whyistheteacold · 05/12/2020 18:27

You said the reason it is bothering you is because of your ocd, but you said in op that in laws aren't aware of your ocd. You can't be annoyed at SIL for not taking this in consideration when she has no idea that you have this issue. SIL is not being cheeky at all. If your DP is working from home then he is much more low risk than her (as she is working in a primary school and in close proximity with others each day). It makes sense for your DP to go and help, you and your DC don't have to go. It sounds like she is thinking of the best solution to help your MIL and unless you have a better solution I would suggest you leave it to your DP and in laws to arrange between themselves

IndecentFeminist · 05/12/2020 18:27

Of course it's alright for the OP to be alone for a day or so. With one child and her own family around to help.

Cynara · 05/12/2020 18:27

I'm very amused by the "DH was shocked by the text" element of this as I know that my brother would also be "shocked" if he was asked to lift a finger to help our parents. Why should he when his sister(s) can do it? My SIL would be likely to support him too, reinforcing his perception that the request is an enormous imposition.

I'm in agreement with pp who have said that this is an issue between the siblings and you should stay out of it. There'll be a long history here and you'll only know your DH's side of it. I'll bet his sister would tell a very different story! At face value, she's not being cheeky. The context is the key to this, and with the best will in the world, you're not likely to have a balanced insight into the truth of what that is.

ivykaty44 · 05/12/2020 18:28

Just suggest to dh that he tells sil to get a cleaning company in - its what happens at the end of most tenancys - isn't it? So no different on this occasion for MIL to be moving in to the rental house.

Original poster
UsernameA1B2 · 05/12/2020 18:28

Unicant that's exactly what Sil expects. They won't be selling the house over Christmas or for a while.

OP posts:
Possums4evr · 05/12/2020 18:28

Which then implies it’s ok for the OP to be on her own during some of the Christmas hols
Well why on earth not? It's not like he works away and these are precious days together. My dh always spent some time with his mum over important holidays, when she was still here.

FestiveChristmasLights · 05/12/2020 18:29

Which then implies it’s ok for the OP to be on her own during some of the Christmas hols

When you are a SAHP and your DH has been WFH for most of a year, then having a day or so on your own really isn’t something many people have an issue with (even if it is during the Christmas holidays since the DC is not even school aged). Without knowing the OP has OCD it’s easy to see there isn’t a problem with the request being made.

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