AIBU to think Sil is a CF?

[UsernameA1B2]

Changed username as this is quite outing.
Background - I'm a sahm so look after dc (almost 3) and do all the cooking and cleaning. Dh works from home full time with lockdown. Dc is quite an active handful and and I'm quite stressed/ busy with dc and my OCD (it has got worse during the lockdowns, but I'm reading some ocd books and slowly trying to reduce the amount of ocd rituals. I might ask to be put on waiting list for cbt but with lots of people suffering with their mental health I don't want to take the place of someone who may need it more. My in laws do not know about my ocd).
Mil lives about 60 miles away and we don't have a car as we both can't drive. Mil rents a house and the tenants moved out recently and left the house and garden in a bit of a mess. Mil wants to move into this house so she can sell the house they living in as they downsizing.

Sil sent dh this text: I think u should consider offering to come down for a wknd or couple days over Xmas to help clean the house (either alone or with the wife and dc). Mums physically drained looking after her mum and fighting her shingles and FIL getting on and doing so much as well. I'm high risk with my job. You're relatively low risk working from home.

Sil is a primary school teacher. AIBU or is that mega cheeky? We are in tier 3 and before the recent lockdown we were in tier 3. Me and dh looking forward to a break over Christmas and my parents helping with dc for a few days over Christmas. We certainly do not want to go and clean mil's house.

Which then implies it’s ok for the OP to be on her own during some of the Christmas hols

Are you seriously suggesting that a grown woman can’t be on her own with her own child for a day? Two at most!? Good grief, that’s hilarious!

We don't know the dynamic here, so it is difficult to really judge the situation. I think your dh should definitely be helping out with his mum. Maybe your sil is really reaching out on behalf of mil? Has he been too busy pandering to you and your issues that he has been neglecting his other family? Not to undermine your mental health issues, I feel for you but you need to be able to at least deal with those issues on your own and not use them to control your partner. I understand you have one child? Of so, i'm sure you could take care of them alone for a few days so that your DH could go alone and help out. If you are worried about contracting covid, maybe your dh could stay in a hotel and be in the house at different times to anyone else? Maybe he could suggest that he and his sister work together (one morning, one in afternoon)to get it done in less time? I don't know why you are so annoyed about it though?

Regardless of whether the mum can afford help, it isn't the same as family. Especially if she is recovering from shingles and supporting her own aging mother. Presumably the dh would be planning on visiting his family at some point over Christmas anyway?

Sil is alot nearer and it would be difficult for us to get there. And with my ocd I'm struggling at the moment. They also have not been any help with dc ever

Your OH could go for a day without you.
Then not helping with your child is irrelevant.
I would help my mum out no matter what.
Her being single is totally irrelevant- why should she pick up all the slack because she’s single?
They don’t know you have OCD

I’m sure you can spare your OH one day to help his mum, in the future hopefully your DC would so the same

Countdowntonothing it's the empty house that she is talking about cleaning. She could go when mil isn't there. They won't be moving into it until after Christmas.

The journey could easily take that long. It takes me 3 hours to do a 65 mile trip on public transport, on two buses and a 10minute walk.

If you're not up to it that's fair enough but I do think your dh could help.

Go halves on professional cleaners? Or send DH. Although if the house is currently empty it’d be fine for both of her adult children to go surely.

didn’t she keep some of the deposit for cleaning if they left it in such a state?

“I’m sorry but I can’t get there. I really wish I could help. I think we should encourage mum to get it professionally deep cleaned”
Job done.

I don’t think she’s a CF in this instance. Equally I get a sense you are dramatising her not helping as your only example is not cooking at Christmas (unless I missed another). You keep mentioning your ocd like SIL should be considering it but she doesn’t know. It’s fine for you to say to DH you really can’t cope on you own too.

The only thing I think is unreasonable is calling her a CF. A CF would be asking DH to come and clean her house too...

but why should anyone clean it when one can pay cleaners to do it?

Bit different if it was full of your mum's stuff and needing sorting, personal items.

But its empty. Get cleaners in! mum pays. I am not sure why you wouldn't just say "why isn't mum organising a cleaner to do it, ie end of tenancy one - here is a link to a firm"

@UsernameA1B2

Unicant that's exactly what Sil expects. They won't be selling the house over Christmas or for a while.

What exactly are you hoping to get from this thread, OP?

Good thing SIL has a well paid job. She can pay a cleaning agency to get in the empty house and get scrubbed up ready for her parents. But if SIL is a bit tight she can say "You can pay me back when you sell the other house, Mother".

Don't understand why she can't get professional cleaners. Every tenancy I've had, at the end of the tenancy, the tenants pay for a professional clean. Surely that should be the case, but if the MIL didn't put that in the lease, someone can just hire cleaners.

I can see this from both sides somewhat.

SIL has a valid point she is higher risk but equally yes she could go when the house is empty.

Try ‘I’m not sure that’s very fair given we have no transport and ‘wife’ is currently struggling with her MH. So we either expose DC to the high risks of 3 hours on public transport or I leave my struggling wife alone with DC for several days. Whilst I’m working inside the home I’m still working a FT job as you are and given the house is currently empty there’s no requirement you be there with DM. The obvious answer is to get a professional cleaning company in. If DM can’t afford this I will split the cost with you 50/50.’

OP, I don't think you expected these replies. I can't believe you think SIL is in the wrong! Yes there may be a backstory (there always is) but if she is teaching, she is potentially a carrier of the virus and clearly doesn't want to expose her mother who is ill. Your DH sounds a shit to even think the thought of him getting off his arse and helping out his ill mother, considering he wouldn't be a risk to her, is wrong.

What the hell is wrong with you both?!

Maybe you could suggest SIL goes up and does her share the last weekend of the holidays, so she has been isolating for two weeks over Xmas holidays. But you absolutely should be encouraging your DH to give up a day to help his mum. I'm appalled you think this is a bag ask.

Countdowntonothing it's the empty house that she is talking about cleaning. She could go when mil isn't there. They won't be moving into it until after Christm

As could your OH

Why would 'the wife' be struggling for several days?

Kind of taking the piss her OP. What about all the single parents who manage it without a choice. It's one day! Potentially two.

When I was younger, my parents assumed that I would do anything necessary to support their rental properties in the town we had made home. To the point that they gave one of their godawful tenants our phone number who would ring if a light bulb needed changing.

Eventually, I grew a pair, and my parents found that cleaners could actually clean the filth that tenants left behind, and their ovens too. Getting rental properties cleaned is part of the business of owning rental properties, and wouldn't it also be tax deductible?

I'm sorry Mum is having a hard time of it, and if it were her home, I'd definitely be down for helping if I could - I'd certainly expect her offspring, proud willy wearer or not to help. But not for a rental property. Pay for bloody cleaners.

She could go when mil isn't there.

And so could your DH. He’s just as much her child too.
Look just say you don’t want to do it but your SiL is not cheeky for asking. You seem to be doing just what you are accusing her of, by assuming she could just go and do it and she’s single and has no DC.
Just like your SiL doesn’t know about your possible OCD, there may be plenty you don’t know about her situation either.

I think your DH just needs to reply saying that’s not possible - quite apart from anything else travelling between tiers (especially from tier 3) is strongly discouraged, and you should only be doing it if absolutely necessary. It’s not necessary here - SIL can clean the empty house without putting MIL and FIL at risk, or MIL can hire cleaners.

Ordinarily I’m all for helping family, but it’s a silly suggestion.

• My3dahliasarebloominlovely So she wants your family to travel 60 miles on public transport at the busiest (and riskiest) time of the year? With a 3 year old? Putting your entire family at risk. YANBU! How about suggesting to SIL that perhaps it would be better for her and for your DH to club together to pay for a cleaner to go in and sort it?*

That makes sense. It sounds like it wouldn’t be easy for the OP and her DH to get there with their DC as they don’t drive, and the SIL shouldn’t because of the Covid risk involved with working as a teacher.

I don’t think the SIL is a CF, though. She probably does much more to help at other times and she does have a very busy job. It’s neither here nor there whether or not she has DC.

I'm very amused by the "DH was shocked by the text" element of this as I know that my brother would also be "shocked" if he was asked to lift a finger to help our parents. Why should he when his sister(s) can do it? My SIL would be likely to support him too, reinforcing his perception that the request is an enormous imposition

Lol I've got a brother like that as well. My sister and I do lots of little things for our dad all year, so on the rare occasion that my brother and his family deign to visit we sit back and make them do things. We too get accused of being lazy because he has to do things like wash up on Christmas Day, but he has no idea how much practical and mental support we give throughout the bloody year.

Also I would not want a teacher relative around elderly relatives this year.

Just like your SiL doesn’t know about your possible OCD, there may be plenty you don’t know about her situation either.

@ChloeDecker makes a very good point here too

Going against the grain here, but I don't think she's a CF, just someone trying to help her parents in a safe way.

I agree.

And just because she’s single with no children doesn’t mean she should automatically be the child to help your DH’s and her parents.

@UsernameA1B2

Dh was shocked by the text

Was he shocked because he's male and thinks that anything to do with supporting parents is entirely down to his sister?

Of all the people in this scenario, your MIL is the one in most need of support - practical and emotional. She is ill with shingles and is caring for her own elderly mother. Maybe she would like to feel that her son actually gives a toss about her!

Mmmm, if you've got a SIL that sits on her arse and expects everyone else to do the work, that definitely gets old.