Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think Sil is a CF?

363 replies

UsernameA1B2 · 05/12/2020 17:49

Changed username as this is quite outing.
Background - I'm a sahm so look after dc (almost 3) and do all the cooking and cleaning. Dh works from home full time with lockdown. Dc is quite an active handful and and I'm quite stressed/ busy with dc and my OCD (it has got worse during the lockdowns, but I'm reading some ocd books and slowly trying to reduce the amount of ocd rituals. I might ask to be put on waiting list for cbt but with lots of people suffering with their mental health I don't want to take the place of someone who may need it more. My in laws do not know about my ocd).
Mil lives about 60 miles away and we don't have a car as we both can't drive. Mil rents a house and the tenants moved out recently and left the house and garden in a bit of a mess. Mil wants to move into this house so she can sell the house they living in as they downsizing.

Sil sent dh this text: I think u should consider offering to come down for a wknd or couple days over Xmas to help clean the house (either alone or with the wife and dc). Mums physically drained looking after her mum and fighting her shingles and FIL getting on and doing so much as well. I'm high risk with my job. You're relatively low risk working from home.

Sil is a primary school teacher. AIBU or is that mega cheeky? We are in tier 3 and before the recent lockdown we were in tier 3. Me and dh looking forward to a break over Christmas and my parents helping with dc for a few days over Christmas. We certainly do not want to go and clean mil's house.

OP posts:
Leaannb · 18/12/2020 20:18

@Sauvignonblanket

Agree about holding back deposits and getting cleaners if possible but more importantly I don't think you should be comparing your circumstances with your SIL.

If your MIL is having a tough time then both her children should doing their best to help without being asked. It's not about one or the other or who's better placed, everyone should be showing willing.

That might not be travelling if it's not practical but there are alternatives - just make a different plan that still gets the job done.

Or mom can call the cleaners herself and arrange the service and pay for it out of the full deposit she kept...Its a phone call
Leaannb · 18/12/2020 20:25

@PlanetSlattern

Its extremely unreasonable to expect DH to do it when she has the full deposit back which is meant to pay for the cleaning.

Eh? No. The deposit is meant to be for insurance. If the current tenants have not cleaned or looked after the property well enough you would be within your rights to retain part of the deposit to pay for cleaning or repairs. It is illegal to retain the deposit otherwise.

OP it's impossible to tell whether your SIL is being unreasonable from a single text. It sounds to me as you're looking for some implied slight. If your husband doesn't want to go and clean it, that's fine: suggest you pay for professional cleaners and split the bill.

As a landlord in the UK it takes a lot to be able to keep the full deposit. That money is to be used for cleaning and repairs of the home. Usually she would have to itemize the cleaning and repairs against the deposit and anything left over should go back to the tenet. But since she was able to keep the full deposit that deposit needs to pay for cleaning and repairs. Not sit in her cheque account and make a profit off her child's back. That is in extremely poor taste. I could never imagine doing that to my son even though I'm half a world away. She needs to either hire professionals or give the deposit to her son for cleaning and repairs
Sauvignonblanket · 18/12/2020 20:32

@Leaannb Absolutely if it can be done without any help - but from the OP it sounds like the mum has a lot on her plate and if help is needed everyone should step up

Hotpinkangel19 · 18/12/2020 20:44

I don't think she's a CF at all. You stay at home with your child, and DH can go and help clean the house. I'm sure BIL will be happy to help!

PlanetSlattern · 18/12/2020 21:58

She needs to either hire professionals or give the deposit to her son for cleaning and repairs

@leaannb I agree with you. I was really wondering if the MIL actually did the retain the full deposit, and whether or not that was lawful. A deposit is usually a month's rent, in my experience – far more than would be needed for an end-of-tenancy clean. If that's what's required, that's what required, of course.

If we're talking a day or two sorting out a tired garden, that's a bit different. It's nice for families to help each other out, if they can. Though of course there's no obligation to do so.

Leaannb · 18/12/2020 22:08

[quote Sauvignonblanket]@Leaannb Absolutely if it can be done without any help - but from the OP it sounds like the mum has a lot on her plate and if help is needed everyone should step up[/quote]
There is nothing to suggest that MIL is not capable of picking up a phone and hiring someone to do it. Its a 10 minute phone call that only she can do. Anything less is being greedy and making a profit off their child's back and its disgusting

Leaannb · 18/12/2020 22:12

@PlanetSlattern

She needs to either hire professionals or give the deposit to her son for cleaning and repairs

@leaannb I agree with you. I was really wondering if the MIL actually did the retain the full deposit, and whether or not that was lawful. A deposit is usually a month's rent, in my experience – far more than would be needed for an end-of-tenancy clean. If that's what's required, that's what required, of course.

If we're talking a day or two sorting out a tired garden, that's a bit different. It's nice for families to help each other out, if they can. Though of course there's no obligation to do so.

Seriously as a UK landlord it is extremely hard to be able to keep the full deposit. Its lawful bit you need to be sure to keep records that it was deserved. Like I said usually if a tenet leaves the carpets filthy, you can deduct the full price of cleaning or replacement from the deposit. You jave to be able to justify it iyswim. Mil is going to want to keep records so the former tenants can't come back on her.
Leaannb · 18/12/2020 22:17

@Hotpinkangel19

I don't think she's a CF at all. You stay at home with your child, and DH can go and help clean the house. I'm sure BIL will be happy to help!
It would only be fair to give DH the full rental deposit for his troubles,right?
Leobynature · 18/12/2020 22:21

I would definitely tell my brothers to go and clean parents house in those circumstances, although I would be happy to roll me sleeves up too

saraclara · 18/12/2020 22:57

I've totally changed my mind on this now I know that MIL has kept the entire deposit. No way should she be expecting/hoping that her family will make a long round journey to clean the house for free, with all this money in her pocket. If the house was going to be cleaned for free, the tenant should have been allowed their deposit (or at least some of it) back.

Also:
"but SIL, you said yourself that you are a risk for MIL, and that's why you couldn't help her. So I'm sorry, I don't think you should be at our house when she is"

CorianderQueen · 18/12/2020 23:39

Sounds like she's really stressed with it and like she feels she's always the one helping because she lives closer.

I don't think it was unreasonable.

ItsIgginningtolookalotlikeXmas · 18/12/2020 23:40

Leaannb you change bedding three times a week? I'm assuming not U.K. (US?) with the chute and the online school. Not point of thread but I think daily hoovering and thrice weekly bed changes are insane, no wonder you have to get your kid to do so many chores.

saraclara · 19/12/2020 07:24

@CorianderQueen

Sounds like she's really stressed with it and like she feels she's always the one helping because she lives closer.

I don't think it was unreasonable.

I think you need to read the thread. Or at least all the OP's posts. Neither of those things seems to be the case.
New posts on this thread. Refresh page