AIBU to think Sil is a CF?

[UsernameA1B2]

Changed username as this is quite outing.
Background - I'm a sahm so look after dc (almost 3) and do all the cooking and cleaning. Dh works from home full time with lockdown. Dc is quite an active handful and and I'm quite stressed/ busy with dc and my OCD (it has got worse during the lockdowns, but I'm reading some ocd books and slowly trying to reduce the amount of ocd rituals. I might ask to be put on waiting list for cbt but with lots of people suffering with their mental health I don't want to take the place of someone who may need it more. My in laws do not know about my ocd).
Mil lives about 60 miles away and we don't have a car as we both can't drive. Mil rents a house and the tenants moved out recently and left the house and garden in a bit of a mess. Mil wants to move into this house so she can sell the house they living in as they downsizing.

Sil sent dh this text: I think u should consider offering to come down for a wknd or couple days over Xmas to help clean the house (either alone or with the wife and dc). Mums physically drained looking after her mum and fighting her shingles and FIL getting on and doing so much as well. I'm high risk with my job. You're relatively low risk working from home.

Sil is a primary school teacher. AIBU or is that mega cheeky? We are in tier 3 and before the recent lockdown we were in tier 3. Me and dh looking forward to a break over Christmas and my parents helping with dc for a few days over Christmas. We certainly do not want to go and clean mil's house.

Generally children help out their mothers when they need it. It's what being a family means, being there for eachother.

Is this about the dh actually seeing his mum? I'm guessing with the 6 hour round trip he doesn't get through very often.

Use deposit to clean and clear garden, that's what its for.

I don't think she's cheeky if she generally helps them out week but week? If she's closer I'm guessing she gives them support regularly. Maybe covid is just an excuse for asking for help that probably should be offered anyway??

Yes, generally children help their parents, but sometimes children get exasperated when volunteered by other, somewhat buttbound children to help their parents, and it's also okay for any family member, parent or child, to say, sorry, no can do at this point. Male or female.

I like @MiddleClassProblems response:
"I’m sorry but I can’t get there. I really wish I could help. I think we should encourage mum to get it professionally deep cleaned”

It's cordial, but to the point.

Yes, generally children help their parents, but sometimes children get exasperated when volunteered by other

Often, if people are volunteering others, it’s because they’re pretty exasperated themselves.

If your mil is renting out the house she should arrange an end of tenancy clean. After all she has been getting an income from it and will be able to claim against tax. You and your DH need time st Christmas for yourselves not acting as unpaid skivvies.

The parents should get in professional cleaners to do an end of tenancy deep clean and put the expense against tax - if they can't take it from the deposit. Sorry if that's already been said, I haven't read it all. No one else needs to be involved.

@Possums4evr

He works from home and has a stay at home wife to look after things with the dc. Sounds pretty easy to me tbh! If he doesn't get on with his mum fair enough. Shingles is absolute hell though.

Agree with this.

Not to mention it's his mother. Who is looking after her mother, his grandmother. Surely he should want to help if he can ... sad that it had to be pointed out to him, frankly.

LOL, my mother was volunteered by my father. When he was volunteered by his sister. My mother volunteered me.

I was pretty bloody exasperated at that, I have to say, at the grand old age of 12. . .

MerchantOfVenom Sil won't be exasperated die to helping others. She would never clean someone else's house. And she has form for being cheeky, I could write a list.

I don't see why it's either of MIL's children's responsibility to clear her filthy rental house, when she can easily afford to hire a cleaning company.

I certainly wouldn't entertain it.

If needs be, ring a cleaning company to come in.

I certainly wouldn't be travelling hours over Christmas to save a couple hundred pounds for someone with plenty of money.

This is a job for a cleaning company.

YABU

If your OCD is to the point that it's stopping you doing this then you need to do something about it. It won't fix itself.

Whether anyone else looks after your kid is neither here nor there.

DH can go on his own, it's a couple of days not the whole of Christmas and you're a stay at home parent with DH there all the time it's not as though you barely see him.

DH needs to deal with it or do it.

Feels like a lot of reasons which boil down to 'I don't want to'.

Yes, but do the reasons why MIL will not pay someone to clean her investment property, boil down to 'I don't want to'?

It’s possible that the SIL does a lot for the parents, with living nearer, and is pissed off that it doesn’t even occur to her brother that he shouldn’t leave everything to her.

Might that be what’s behind this?

Your husband's sister is not unreasonable to point out the problem to her brother and see if he can help.

He's shocked to be asked to consider helping?

He just has to text back that he has considered it, but given the length of time it would take, via public transport and the cost, it would be safer and more efficient of DM used the deposit from the previous tenants to hire professionals locally.

You don't sound very nice. What's wrong with DH offering his mother with health issues to help with some cleaning? Who cares if she's never helped look after your kid - you're a SAHM, you can look after your own kid yourself, surely? This is something that I would offer to do anyway if so knew my mum was struggling. You and your husband both seem self absorbed. (DH was "shocked" at the text, was he? )

This has probably been mentioned but if you’re in tier 3 you’re not allowed to leave the area. Also she is being a CF. It would be nice to help but with dc/ocd/not being able to drive it’s a big ask. SIL should do it if she’s that bothered

I could write a list.

I’m sure you could.

So, have you said no, and put this drama to bed?

I think the simplest solution would be for your DH and SIL to go halves on a cleaner

I know you’ve said that she doesn’t help, but there may be a lot going on that you don’t see.

Mumsnet bingo. Could we please add 'you don't sound very nice' - clearly the worst possible thing that could be said of a woman - to the board?

And she has form for being cheeky, I could write a list.

Im sure you could. However, I tend to think that hers might be longer and more truthful.

Unless you're planning on a massive drip feed about how you visit every week and spend all your time helping them, I get the impression your husband is the real CF and you are enabling him.