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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think Sil is a CF?

363 replies

UsernameA1B2 · 05/12/2020 17:49

Changed username as this is quite outing.
Background - I'm a sahm so look after dc (almost 3) and do all the cooking and cleaning. Dh works from home full time with lockdown. Dc is quite an active handful and and I'm quite stressed/ busy with dc and my OCD (it has got worse during the lockdowns, but I'm reading some ocd books and slowly trying to reduce the amount of ocd rituals. I might ask to be put on waiting list for cbt but with lots of people suffering with their mental health I don't want to take the place of someone who may need it more. My in laws do not know about my ocd).
Mil lives about 60 miles away and we don't have a car as we both can't drive. Mil rents a house and the tenants moved out recently and left the house and garden in a bit of a mess. Mil wants to move into this house so she can sell the house they living in as they downsizing.

Sil sent dh this text: I think u should consider offering to come down for a wknd or couple days over Xmas to help clean the house (either alone or with the wife and dc). Mums physically drained looking after her mum and fighting her shingles and FIL getting on and doing so much as well. I'm high risk with my job. You're relatively low risk working from home.

Sil is a primary school teacher. AIBU or is that mega cheeky? We are in tier 3 and before the recent lockdown we were in tier 3. Me and dh looking forward to a break over Christmas and my parents helping with dc for a few days over Christmas. We certainly do not want to go and clean mil's house.

OP posts:
Original poster
UsernameA1B2 · 05/12/2020 18:09

IndecentFeminist it would be 3 hours one way on buses and trains as we don't have a car

OP posts:
MerchantOfVenom · 05/12/2020 18:09

@UsernameA1B2

IndecentFeminist its more my ocd that is the hardship and what I'm struggling with.
Which SIL doesn’t know about...
FestiveChristmasLights · 05/12/2020 18:09

I don’t think she is cheeky. She is trying to get her brother to help their mother (and I expect she does a lot more of the little things to help as she is closer). They have no idea of your OCD and many three year olds would be in their element helping tidy up a house or would be happily occupied for a while, so it was perfectly reasonable of her to ask. Likewise, it’s perfectly reasonable of your DH to say no.

badpuma · 05/12/2020 18:10

@UsernameA1B2

IndecentFeminist its more my ocd that is the hardship and what I'm struggling with.
But they don't know about your OCD so they're not accounting for it.

Just say you can't help.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/12/2020 18:10

Her not having kids is irrelevant. You have one toddler, you’re not wrangling handfuls of newborns. My step mum is the one of her siblings to have none of her own and they’re always taking the piss expecting her to drop everything and do stuff for their elderly mum. She’s not sitting on her arse filing her nails anymore than your SIL is. Children aren’t the only responsibilities a person can have. Don’t be one of those people.

KatieGGGG · 05/12/2020 18:10

@UsernameA1B2 why do you have to go? Why can’t her son go for a day or a couple of days himself?

MrsDonnelly · 05/12/2020 18:10

I think the point about her being single and having no children is a little unfair. That doesn’t mean she should have to take all responsibility for her parents. She also has to do cooking and cleaning and could argue that you don’t have to go out to work whilst she does

MerchantOfVenom · 05/12/2020 18:10

Really, OP - if this is such a a big deal for you both, and you can’t be left alone for even a day, then just say no. Confused

Possums4evr · 05/12/2020 18:10

Look if the ocd is having a serious detriment on your life you need to get help with it. It will affect your dc soon enough. Stop worrying about it not being "bad enough" the doctor can decide - and it's bad enough that you find yourself struggling in what many people would view as quite a comfortable situation.

GalaxyCookieCrumble · 05/12/2020 18:11

@UsernameA1B2

Sil is alot nearer and it would be difficult for us to get there. And with my ocd I'm struggling at the moment. They also have not been any help with dc ever
And? Yabu and selfish not to help his mum, your OCD is your problem to deal with, your husband is a lazy shit by the sounds of it. What kind are family sits back and does fuck all to help when they know his mum is struggling?
PenguinLove1 · 05/12/2020 18:11

Maybe actually going and getting stuck in helping to clean might help your ocd, it's probably worse at the moment as you are in the house all the time

And other posters are right, being a sahm to one child with a husband who works at home is not that difficult, so leaving his mum to struggle just so that you get a rest for a few days is a bit of a shame for his parents

If sil lives closer she has probably been the one to support them this year, and i imagine teaching at the moment is stressful so i think this is her way if asking her brother to help her too- im assuming he will be expecting equal inheritance so why should he not help out equally now?

Original poster
UsernameA1B2 · 05/12/2020 18:12

IndecentFeminist no Sil does not help mil out. She never helps out. When we go for Christmas she expects dh to help with food preparation and cleaning and has never lifted a finger in the past 10 years. Sil expects others to do the helping out while she does nothing

OP posts:
PenguinLove1 · 05/12/2020 18:13

You aren't exactly jumping to help either though!

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/12/2020 18:15

Okay. Well clearly everyone else is wrong and unreasonable and has it easier than you and your husband. So say no and hope not to be asked to help again Hmm

Purplekitchen · 05/12/2020 18:15

Did she actually refer to you as "the wife" in her message?

SoThisisMe · 05/12/2020 18:16

If you're in tier 3 I don't think you're allowed to stay elsewhere overnight?

Agree if MIL can afford it she should pay for the house to be cleaned.

Also, if you feel you can't cope without your DH at the moment then you take priority. No one else knows how you feel and should not be judging your ability to cope or not cope, especially at a time like this.

cabingirl · 05/12/2020 18:16

Sounds to me like she is getting pressure from MIL to help as she's single with no kids.

Get your DH to phone his mother and see how she is doing - and he can nudge her to pay for some help with the cleaning plus help caring for the grandma too.

Original poster
UsernameA1B2 · 05/12/2020 18:17

Sil isn't jumping to help either, just demanding others do.

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 05/12/2020 18:17

People don't realise how hard public transport is, if they don't do it themselves. Is it the same tier as you? It will limit who you see, as well.

Text back: six hours travelling and exposed to CV isn't sensible or cost effective. Better to pay for help with the house, and we'll come for a proper visit when the CV situation is better.

katy1213 · 05/12/2020 18:17

What a song and dance about something that would easily be solved by a local cleaning company and a gardener coming in for a few hours.

HavelockVetinari · 05/12/2020 18:17

SIL is a CF if she never lifts a finger to help herself! Tell her she can go and help one weekend - no need to go near MIL, she can just help clear the empty house. See what she says to that!

It's madness to suggest you do a 6 hr round trip with a toddler to help.

ChloeDecker · 05/12/2020 18:18

SiL is correct. She is more high risk to your MiL and by the sounds of it a very sick grandmother. Why would you want to risk your MiL and grandMiL catching Covid?
SiL has it currently very difficult as a primary teacher. No reason why your DH can’t spare even a day to help out his own mother.

Judging by both your reactions to this harmless text, you don’t sound that particularly fair. Don’t do it if you don’t want to. But don’t condemn your SiL for caring. Remember, this could be your children talking about you in the future. I’d be devastated if I had an adult son who reacted in this way.

GalaxyCookieCrumble · 05/12/2020 18:18

@UsernameA1B2

IndecentFeminist it would be 3 hours one way on buses and trains as we don't have a car
3 hours? Your talking shite
WhatKatyDidNxt · 05/12/2020 18:19

SIL is a CF who tells other people how they are or aren’t spending their Christmas?! Especially when she’s not joining in with the donkey work. She sounds like a member of exh family Confused

Plus MIL can get the cost of a professional cleaner and gardener taken out of the tenants deposit. If she owes a couple of houses then lm sure she can suck it up herself. Or god forbid, do the cleaning herself

BojoKilledMyMojo · 05/12/2020 18:19

This is a bit odd. I wouldn't hesitate to offer to help my mother. And I also wouldn't think twice about sending my sister a text to do the same either.

You don't all have to go.

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