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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Missing DP

245 replies

Secretlyseethingg · 02/12/2020 14:50

Preface with DP and I don’t live together but it was decided he would stay here for lockdown.

Last night there was a football game on and he went to watch it at a friends. I didn’t mind too much as it was only 4 hours before he’d have been able to do so legally in a pub! While he was there his phone must have died. This happens often as he’s using an awful broken phone.

The time he’s due to come to mine rolls by.. no show. A few hours after.. nothing. I decide to lock the door and go to bed. But still heard nothing at almost 3pm today!

AIBU to think this isn’t on? Despite him staying for lockdown I still think that he is a guest and if he tells me he is coming to my house, then he shouldn’t just not show up or whenever he feels like it. Help me to not send a tirade of texts to a dead phone as I don’t want him to have ‘why can’t I be with my friends’ as a defence.

OP posts:
Ilovesugar · 02/12/2020 14:53

Assuming he doesn’t have a key?

Then I would just text or say in passing, I was worried I would lock you out last night. If you want drop me a text when stay out or going to be in late and I can make sure I put a key under x plant pot.

So then you know but it sound more like you are doing him a favour?

cherrypie790 · 02/12/2020 14:55

I'd hazard a guess that he got very drunk and is likely sleeping it off.

I'd keep the door locked, personally, and leave his things outside it.

MrDarcyismines · 02/12/2020 14:55

Are you sure he's okay? Or is this something that he regularly does (pre covid)

Original poster
Secretlyseethingg · 02/12/2020 14:55

Phone is still not on.. so he’s avoiding me or I would approach it like this.
Arghh why is it always men that do this? Not to sound judgemental but you don’t ever hear of women disappearing for whole nights and well into the following day. I just feel like it’s a total lack of respect

OP posts:
Whenwillow · 02/12/2020 14:59

Be very grown up, and don't text him.
Definitely not a tirade of texts. I promise you'll regret it.
And I know how hard it is. Wait till he's in front of you then chew his ear off if necessary then.

IAmADNAMA · 02/12/2020 15:03

This would really piss me off and also worry me.

WouldBeGood · 02/12/2020 15:03

Don’t text him! I know it’s very tempting.

And o don’t think I’d have him back to stay. Life’s too short for this rubbish. Stressful and annoying.

Original poster
Secretlyseethingg · 02/12/2020 15:11

This has happened before. The exact same match scenario, the same friend (he claims not to like). It was ‘it won’t happen again, I promise’. He’ll have woken up, realised how much trouble he’ll be in for letting me down again and will be avoiding charging his phone and most likely at the pub with his friend.

OP posts:
MissBaskinIfYoureNasty · 02/12/2020 15:13

If he has form then it'll just be the same as before won't it.

Original poster
Secretlyseethingg · 02/12/2020 15:18

I’m so sad. The relationship proved problematic in the beginning and I thought if I voiced my concerns back then it’d lay the law for the rest of the relationship. But here I am with feelings for this man, and the problems still occurring

OP posts:
Cygne · 02/12/2020 15:20

Time to tell him to grow up or you'll have to consider whether this relationship is worth the hassle?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 02/12/2020 15:23

Or, having already identified your boundaries, pack his shit and put it out ready for him.

MaskingForIt · 02/12/2020 15:23

@Secretlyseethingg

I’m so sad. The relationship proved problematic in the beginning and I thought if I voiced my concerns back then it’d lay the law for the rest of the relationship. But here I am with feelings for this man, and the problems still occurring
If there were problems at the beginning of the relationship, at a time when you should be in the first flush of love, then this clearly isn’t going to be what you want it to be.

DTMF and move on.

WouldBeGood · 02/12/2020 15:23

Boundaries are very important.

This crosses yours. (And most people’s) Don’t accept it.

liveitwell · 02/12/2020 15:25

My BIL does disappearing acts on his partners. It'll get more frequent and it will never be his fault. He lacks respect for you. Honestly, don't go there, it's not worth it. Tell him he should have let you know, and because he didn't, you don't want him staying round again.

Seafog · 02/12/2020 15:26

You can't fix people

People are not projects

This is what he is

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 02/12/2020 15:26

You've got a clear choice now- either you feel like this off and on for the rest of your relationship, or you end the relationship.

He won't change, this is who he is.

bravotango · 02/12/2020 15:27

DTMF and move on.

This

Justmuddlingalong · 02/12/2020 15:30

Best to know while he stays there short term. Now you know what he's like you can boot is sorry arse back to his own home.

sapnupuas · 02/12/2020 15:43

How long have you been together?

Cottagepieandpeas · 02/12/2020 15:45

^If there were problems at the beginning of the relationship, at a time when you should be in the first flush of love, then this clearly isn’t going to be what you want it to be.^

I don’t think this is necessarily true. I can think of a few relationships where there were problems at the beginning and the couples were able to make compromises etc. (Or simply their feelings changed with time).

I’m not suggesting that’s the situation here, just pointing out that a bumpy beginning isn’t always a death knell.

SummerHouse · 02/12/2020 15:51

I would start with a "what happened to you?" And see where it goes. Not sure the incident is a deal breaker but his reaction could be.

littleharissa · 02/12/2020 15:51

@Cottagepieandpeas

I definitely agree with you there. DH has a very turbulent relationship to begin with, albeit one filled with love, but we overcame everything and are stronger because of it

However, OP, I don't think I actually know a single 'decent' man who does the whole disappearing thing after a night out.

If DH did it, boy would he get it in the ear

AintPageantMaterial · 02/12/2020 15:52

I couldn’t be arsed with this but I also wouldn’t text him or phone him or initiate contact in any way. He’s waiting for you to do that. He’s rehearsed his arguments. He’s waiting to tell you that YOU’RE unreasonable and the twat owes you an apology.

Wrongfoot him by not doing what he wants and expects. You’re not his mother waiting to tell him off. You’re an equal partner in a relationship and his behaviour was really rude and now it’s just immature.
He’s trying to provoke a situation whereby you lose your temper and he’s somehow in the right. Don’t let him.

beavisandbutthead · 02/12/2020 15:54

Your relationship isnt good, you have him staying with you during lockdown and he dissappears and doesnt even tell you where he is. He isnt your lodger, he is meant to be your partner. Sounds like he may be benefitting from this set up but isnt treating you well

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