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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Missing DP

245 replies

Secretlyseethingg · 02/12/2020 14:50

Preface with DP and I don’t live together but it was decided he would stay here for lockdown.

Last night there was a football game on and he went to watch it at a friends. I didn’t mind too much as it was only 4 hours before he’d have been able to do so legally in a pub! While he was there his phone must have died. This happens often as he’s using an awful broken phone.

The time he’s due to come to mine rolls by.. no show. A few hours after.. nothing. I decide to lock the door and go to bed. But still heard nothing at almost 3pm today!

AIBU to think this isn’t on? Despite him staying for lockdown I still think that he is a guest and if he tells me he is coming to my house, then he shouldn’t just not show up or whenever he feels like it. Help me to not send a tirade of texts to a dead phone as I don’t want him to have ‘why can’t I be with my friends’ as a defence.

OP posts:
WinterWhore · 02/12/2020 21:38

Wasnt turning against you, your replys were a clear indication you was going to forgive him...

And you did...

And hes done it again....

Please please learn from this, hes NEVER EVER going to change... Hmm

MotherofTerriers · 02/12/2020 21:43

OP my exh used to do this. Always soooo apologetic but then he’d do it again and again because why not? It was symptomatic of a lack of respect, and a really self centred view of life. I put up with far more than I should have for a very long time. I’m glad you’ve packed up his stuff. I wish Mumsnet had been around 30 years ago....

reader12 · 02/12/2020 21:47

Oh I’m sorry he turned out to be such an arse. He’s probably hoping for a big emotional scene now so he tell his friends the hilarious story of how crazy and unreasonable you are. A calm dignified “no longer into you” message will deprive him of that satisfaction, and give you the satisfaction of knowing how you escaped all the repeats of this game he had in store for you if you had let him stay. Well done.

MusicWithRocksIn1t · 02/12/2020 21:51

Sounds like a total arse.
Did he collect his stuff and fuck off?

Tistheseason17 · 02/12/2020 21:57

Hope he got his stuff and left you to live a better life.

rockhopper20 · 02/12/2020 22:03

is this a common thing? I mean if DP would do that to me then I'd just assume he is dead or lying in a ditch somewhere. Surely he gets that. It's not about control but trying not to worry one's partner. And if he doesn't get it then yes it's unacceptable. It would be unacceptable for DP to let me think something terrible has happened to me just because he couldn't be bothered to get in touch. But do adults really do that?

DryRoastPeanut · 02/12/2020 22:08

Well he’s showed his true colours early on! It’s your call now, do you want to be a mug forever?

FestiveFannyGallops · 02/12/2020 22:09

I had one like this. I was controlling and unreasonable of course to want to know my husband and father of our tiny baby was safe . I don't miss being married at all. Stay strong OP otherwise this will go on for years and fatherhood definitely won't change anything. Well, it would make it worse I think speaking from experience.

modernmystery · 02/12/2020 22:13

OP I just read all you posts in Olivia Coleman’s voice and accent from the Crown. It made for excellent reading. Are you very posh?

PolloDePrimavera · 02/12/2020 22:32

Op, it's not your fault you know, he's a dick and it's no reflection on you but absolutely, that's it now. You are both adults and both responsible for your own actions. And you don't need to justify yourself and do not explain why you are angry: he will just hear that as nagging therefore you in the wrong. Be factual, communicate the absolute minimum: your things are outside. Less is more!

hennersley · 02/12/2020 22:40

Please don't put yourself through this any longer op, you deserve sooo much better. I predict he will firstly tell you how much you're over reacting and be horrible and then in a few days he will be begging for you to forgive him. KEEP STRONG.

I would send a very unemotional message such as "I have had some time to think and I have decided that we aren't going to work out long term. Could you please pick up your things in the morning, I will have them ready for you"

anameIcallmyself · 02/12/2020 22:43

@Secretlyseethingg

So he’s been online for half an hour. I got too tempted so I just said hello. His reply: “how much trouble am I in? It’s not my fault you have my charger”

It’s where he left it!! I don’t have it!

And there it is. "It's not my fault" Actually, it is. Charger or not a simple phone call from someone elses phone would have solved everything. Please get rid of this bloke. Everything he does wrong will always be your fault.
timeisnotaline · 02/12/2020 22:46

He was all primed up to pull his wronged act, you didn’t react enough so he felt a bit robbed and pissed off again so you got mad this time and he could do his dramatic wronged piece properly this time. Oops, joke’s on him!

nimbuscloud · 02/12/2020 22:55

Is he gone ?

SheilaWilcox · 02/12/2020 23:00

A calm dignified “no longer into you” message

Yes - love this!
Can't be argued against or talked round. Perfect.

ilikemethewayiam · 02/12/2020 23:08

@SheilaWilcox

A calm dignified “no longer into you” message

Yes - love this!
Can't be argued against or talked round. Perfect.

I 2nd this!
Notimeforaname · 02/12/2020 23:29

Really interested to know if he came back for his stuff. And also...what takeaway you had opBlush

Original poster
Secretlyseethingg · 03/12/2020 00:51

@modernmystery

OP I just read all you posts in Olivia Coleman’s voice and accent from the Crown. It made for excellent reading. Are you very posh?
This has cracked me up. I’m very very working class, in the bottom 1% infact😂
OP posts:
Original poster
Secretlyseethingg · 03/12/2020 00:52

@Notimeforaname

Really interested to know if he came back for his stuff. And also...what takeaway you had opBlush
He hasn’t been around. I’ve been upstairs far away from the front door, watching silly videos eating his salt and pepper chicken Grin
OP posts:
iswhois · 03/12/2020 01:14

Fuck him you've done the right thing

Otherwise it will be a lifetime of excuses

Lost track of time

XX "made" me come to the pub (one of my faves, the only ones who can't seem to "make" them do something are us!!!)

Etc etc

YoniAndGuy · 03/12/2020 09:03

OP sorry that the tone on this changed last night.

I'm guilty of it myself, you get so wound up with righteous anger you start spouting off and kind of forget it's not HIM you're talking to... it's the poor OP Blush

I'm really glad you stuck to it, please keep on doing so. In a nutshell, all you're doing is wasting time and possibly even having a decent, fun, honest, open guy pass you by because you're still being messed around by a selfish twat.

EmmetEmma · 03/12/2020 09:05

I can’t believe he hasn’t been back - not only is he a selfish twat but a total coward as well. I hope the takeaway was great OP and you are feeling at least a small sense of calm at having his unpredictable shit out of your life.

Whenwillow · 03/12/2020 09:08

I love that you ate his salt and pepper chicken!
I hope you're ok!

Purplespup16 · 03/12/2020 09:41

I’d be texting back something like...

Trouble? I’m not your parent you’re an adult of course you’re not in trouble! As an adult I thought you were capable of common courtesy but clearly I was wrong. I need an adult that has enough respect for me to give me at the very least common courtesy. You’re stuff is packed up you can come collect on X day at X time.

alreadytaken · 03/12/2020 09:56

Salt and pepper chicken sounds good.

If he starts texting you again either block or respond with If I'd wanted a child I'd have adopted one.