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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Missing DP

245 replies

Secretlyseethingg · 02/12/2020 14:50

Preface with DP and I don’t live together but it was decided he would stay here for lockdown.

Last night there was a football game on and he went to watch it at a friends. I didn’t mind too much as it was only 4 hours before he’d have been able to do so legally in a pub! While he was there his phone must have died. This happens often as he’s using an awful broken phone.

The time he’s due to come to mine rolls by.. no show. A few hours after.. nothing. I decide to lock the door and go to bed. But still heard nothing at almost 3pm today!

AIBU to think this isn’t on? Despite him staying for lockdown I still think that he is a guest and if he tells me he is coming to my house, then he shouldn’t just not show up or whenever he feels like it. Help me to not send a tirade of texts to a dead phone as I don’t want him to have ‘why can’t I be with my friends’ as a defence.

OP posts:
GlowingOrb · 02/12/2020 15:56

It’s just common decency to let a person know if you aren’t going to make it home. The only legitimate excuse is an accident that put you in the hospital and is bad enough you couldn’t relay an emergency contact number to the staff. If this isn’t the first time he has done this, I would seriously reconsider the relationship.

ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings · 02/12/2020 15:58

My ex used to do this OP, it was never his fault and I was always the bad guy for having an opinion about it. That was pretty near the start as well but I let it go because I liked him and wanted to be a "cool girlfriend". Ah to have had MN back then. For me it was only the tip of the iceberg and the relationship escalated to include some very abusive behaviour. Not saying that's always the case but in my experience men who lack basic respect for women in one area don't tend to be overflowing with it in other areas either. They never get better, your bar just gets progressively lower to accommodate them. Do yourself a favour and don't let him back in.

FawnDrench · 02/12/2020 16:02

He is taking the piss and you know it.

Time to move on. He isn't going to change.

Original poster
Secretlyseethingg · 02/12/2020 16:09

He’ll actually be all sweet and apologetic when I get a hold of him. He has boasted in the past about doing what you want and just saying sorry afterwards not realising he’s nailing his own coffin for future apologies.

Usually he’ll have spoken to me by now after the disappearance so it’s the added hours of not switching his phone back on that’s got me raging here.

OP posts:
WouldBeGood · 02/12/2020 16:11

Oh, @Secretlyseethingg he even gloats about being a shit.

Look on this as a lucky escape.

user541633589911 · 02/12/2020 16:14

I hope you're not actually planning to allow him to continue disrespecting and manipulating you with his fake apologies?

He will never change into the person you wish he was.

CrazyCatLazy · 02/12/2020 16:37

I had an ex that would do this, ended up being a sun-Thurs boyfriend. LTB

AryaStarkWolf · 02/12/2020 16:42

It's just kind of treating you like the nagging mother or something, I hate that shit, so disrespectful. It's like some men love painting their g/fs/wives as some over bearing monsters who don't want them to have friends or go out when actually it's just a bit of common courtesy you're after

YoniAndGuy · 02/12/2020 16:47

How long have you been together?

Is this the kind of level of love and respect you want to live with in your own family, with the father of your children?

Use this time to think. I would let this one go, even if it hurts.

It's not just daft decisions - we all make them. It's a total lack of respect. It kills relationships over time. You're right, he's in the pub, with the friend, and you're 'Mum' that he's going to be in trouble with.

Fuck that. I want someone who is a genuine friend to me, not some twatty naughty schoolboy.

He isn't a keeper.

Original poster
Secretlyseethingg · 02/12/2020 16:54

Someone please help me draft a text that explains why his things are on the door step without kicking off 😩

OP posts:
Mindymomo · 02/12/2020 16:59

I would wait for him to contact you, you’ve done nothing wrong, he should be the one to apologise. Let him stew a while.

HarrietPotterska · 02/12/2020 16:59

I wouldn't even text. I'd just leave them on the door step. You don't owe him and explanation

WouldBeGood · 02/12/2020 17:01

I’m not prepared to accept this behaviour in a relationship.

Your things are on the doorstep for you to collect.

GeorginaTheGiant · 02/12/2020 17:03

@HarrietPotterska

I wouldn't even text. I'd just leave them on the door step. You don't owe him and explanation
This. Set your bar higher than this and let him go and find another doormat.
thepeopleversuswork · 02/12/2020 17:03

Life's too short.

You've said there were problems at the beginning of the relationship so its not got off to a flying start.

If he can do this so casually and without bothering to let you know where he is or apologise he doesn't respect you and will do this again.

Cut your losses, ask him to move out when lockdown ends and end it.

JillofTrades · 02/12/2020 17:04

Op well done for not allowing someone to treat you like this. He's done this before so he has now actually proved who he is and how little he respects you.

user541633589911 · 02/12/2020 17:05

I wouldn't even text. I'd just leave them on the door step. You don't owe him and explanation

Likewise. No point giving him opportunities to try and manipulate you into changing your mind. Why waste any more energy on him?

MotherofTerriers · 02/12/2020 17:06

I wouldn't text. I'd pack up his stuff in a box and wait until he texts you to apologise then tell him its on the step. That's assuming he doesn't have a key - if he does, a brief text, just say you're not prepared to accept being treated like this and could he collect his stuff and return your key.

You deserve much better. He will try apologising, don't let him talk you round.

Whenwillow · 02/12/2020 17:08

Yes. As above. No need to make any noise about it.
He can't accuse you of being a bunny boiler if you quietly make your point.

Original poster
Secretlyseethingg · 02/12/2020 17:09

Well ladies, the last text I sent last night has just delivered meaning the phone is on.

OP posts:
angieloumc · 02/12/2020 17:11

As pp said you deserve better. Put his stuff on the doorstep and get your key (if he has one) back.

Whenwillow · 02/12/2020 17:11

Slightly over invested in this OP. Sorry. Its what I wish I'd have done when an ex behaved similarly.
Keep us posted, and do what you feel is right. None of us is in your shoes - we can only support you Flowers

Newkitchen123 · 02/12/2020 17:15

He needs to go

Wagsandclaws · 02/12/2020 17:19

If my DP did this that would be it, it's not fair and it's disrespectful,
As there are never any consequences to this type of behaviour that's why he keeps doing it,

Sorry OP :-(

updownroundandround · 02/12/2020 17:20

@ Secretlyseethingg

I must admit to being overly invested in your thread Blush

And I also think that saying nothing is the dignified way to go. It doesn't allow him the opportunity to try to sweet talk you.

He'll find his shit outside, and knock or phone to try to get you to let him in, then he'd try to apologize and seek forgiveness. And that's how it will be forever in this relationship..........................IF you allow it.

I'd recommend NOT answering either the door or the phone calls (I'd actually turn my phone off).

You're much better off without a selfish, arrogant (because he thinks all he needs to do is say sorry and everything a-ok again Angry, until the NEXT time), prick in your life.

Take time for yourself and recognize that you've dodged a relationship bullet. Grin

And please, please update us ! Grin