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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Missing DP

245 replies

Secretlyseethingg · 02/12/2020 14:50

Preface with DP and I don’t live together but it was decided he would stay here for lockdown.

Last night there was a football game on and he went to watch it at a friends. I didn’t mind too much as it was only 4 hours before he’d have been able to do so legally in a pub! While he was there his phone must have died. This happens often as he’s using an awful broken phone.

The time he’s due to come to mine rolls by.. no show. A few hours after.. nothing. I decide to lock the door and go to bed. But still heard nothing at almost 3pm today!

AIBU to think this isn’t on? Despite him staying for lockdown I still think that he is a guest and if he tells me he is coming to my house, then he shouldn’t just not show up or whenever he feels like it. Help me to not send a tirade of texts to a dead phone as I don’t want him to have ‘why can’t I be with my friends’ as a defence.

OP posts:
Eddielzzard · 02/12/2020 18:42

Problems from the beginning are still there? Well, they're not going to go away, so stick with your resolve. Kick him out.

Oreservoir · 02/12/2020 18:45

No trouble because we longer have a relationship!

Oreservoir · 02/12/2020 18:45

no longer

WinterWhore · 02/12/2020 18:54

Tbh, your going to forgive him otherwise you wouldn't of text him first. Good luck for the next time he does this. Dont be a mug.

LisaLemon · 02/12/2020 18:55

And yes, ' how much trouble am I in' is something I would expect to hear from my 14 year old son.

MyMajesty · 02/12/2020 18:58

@Whenwillow

Argh 'how much trouble am I in'. Bloody man child talking to you as if you're his mum
Exactly.

Can't cope with being an adult and wants to make out it's your fault.
Any apology he comes out with will obviously not be sincere.

Original poster
Secretlyseethingg · 02/12/2020 18:59

I called him out on blaming me for the charger. He back pedalled to ‘I wasn’t saying you had my charger’ but he did though, didn’t he? He’s been in the pub all day with friends (best friend owns it, hence getting away with all day). I asked why didn’t he borrow a phone to call me and explain he’d fell asleep and is out.

Then the sorry’s started. “I’m such a bad partner” “it was my fault” “in shouldn’t have avoided you”.

Damn right.

OP posts:
littleharissa · 02/12/2020 19:00

You'll take him back though, OP.
That much is clear.

Raise your standards.

Find someone better.

Think more of yourself.

WouldBeGood · 02/12/2020 19:00

Just don’t engage. Drop his stuff and block. You’ll regret it if you keep him.

YoniAndGuy · 02/12/2020 19:01

Please don't back down from putting his stuff out.

He clearly has somewhere to stay and doesn't give a fuck about any bubble rules etc., so no problem.

YoniAndGuy · 02/12/2020 19:02

@Secretlyseethingg

I called him out on blaming me for the charger. He back pedalled to ‘I wasn’t saying you had my charger’ but he did though, didn’t he? He’s been in the pub all day with friends (best friend owns it, hence getting away with all day). I asked why didn’t he borrow a phone to call me and explain he’d fell asleep and is out.

Then the sorry’s started. “I’m such a bad partner” “it was my fault” “in shouldn’t have avoided you”.

Damn right.

Mmm.

Why are you even discussing the detail?

He's an ex, hopefully.

Hopefully. Really depends how much time you want to waste before you find the right one.

MyMajesty · 02/12/2020 19:05

Is there anything nice about him?

MyMajesty · 02/12/2020 19:07

Btw, notice he's admitting to avoiding you - not just forgetting the time or phone problems etc - actually avoiding you.

He definitely needs to get back to wherever he lives today, preferably permanently.

missnevermind · 02/12/2020 19:10

I would just message him and say it's quite alright I just assumed that now lockdown was over that he had gone home and would be back for his stuff later.
Queen of the passive aggressive me.

FOJN · 02/12/2020 19:12

Then the sorry’s started. “I’m such a bad partner” “it was my fault” “in shouldn’t have avoided you”.

Damn right

Him admitting being in the wrong is not winning when you just give him licence to continue with this behaviour, "damn right", is just talking tough while you roll over. You may need to work on your self esteem.

TragedyHands · 02/12/2020 19:14

Let us know when he's collected his stuff, OP.
He knows it's his fault and he's obviously making sure what he can get away with if you stay together, have to pity the poor sod who has kids with him.

MaskingForIt · 02/12/2020 19:21

@Whoateallthestuffingballs

I had an ex who used to do this. He didn't think about how it would affect me at all, because he didn't care. In the end, he cheated on me at least three times (I am not saying that's what the situation here is at all, but just that this kind of "eff you" behaviour is not great sign for taking your feelings into consideration in the future).
This is exactly what will happen next. He is testing the OP’s boundaries to see what she will put up with. It’s a boozy night with pals now, but it’s a shagfest next time.

He knows the OP will tolerate it and have him back.

Ginfordinner · 02/12/2020 19:22

I'm jealous that you are somewhere where pubs are open - tier 3 here Sad

Sassysally12 · 02/12/2020 19:24

Does he take drugs? Sounds to me like he went on a bender at his friends pub that went on until the next afternoon. How did he eventually charge his phone?? There was obviously a way. Does he have a particular model phone that it is unlikely his friend woukd have a charger for? Either way there’s just no excuse I was here so many time with my ex. Until I eventually found out he had a coke habit and that’s why he could stay awake 24
Hours with his friends. The fact he didn’t immediately call and apologise says a lot, he actually waited for you to message her first. It’s a slippery slope and I’m afraid if he’s done it a few times he will never stop. Mine never did even after every time him saying he is giving up drinking, needs to grow up etc. Even now I know he goes out and goes
Missing and I think god I’m glad I haven’t got to worry about that anymore xx

Janaih · 02/12/2020 19:27

Have some respect for yourself and stop communicating with him.

HappyDaze90 · 02/12/2020 19:27

Ah, this sounds so familiar to the shit I was put through for far too many years. You’ll wisen up to his ways soon enough and realise what a prat he really is.

I’m so glad I finally got to that point. I now have someone who respects me and wouldn’t think twice about putting me in situations like this.

madcatladyforever · 02/12/2020 19:30

There is a very good reason he is an ex. Being kind rarely works with exes they will just take the piss.
I tried it, it failed and I'll never try it again.

callmeadoctor · 02/12/2020 19:32

By now, Im sure the OP has kissed and made up.........................Confused

RinderTinderNotRinderGrinder · 02/12/2020 19:41

I could never trust someone who did this. I would reply “You’re not in trouble because I’m not your mother. I don’t want to be your mother I want to be a respected partner. You’ve shown very clearly that that isn’t an option in a relationship with you. I’ll leave your stuff outside. I’m sad that it’s ended this way, it’s not what I wanted but sometimes you don’t get what you want.”

MrsGulDukat · 02/12/2020 19:53

Fast foward to when OP has a newborn baby and the DP has fucked off again.