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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son gifted GF a designer bag from uni fund AIBU to be livid?

495 replies

meadinchelsea · 30/11/2020 18:55

Just that basically. The finer details as follows:
Son has a very small inheritance for uni (£3k) that was collected over the years from various grandparents at birthdays /Christmas ect while they were all alive, sadly they have all now passed away. He was given access this year as he moved away to uni and we always said the money is for adventures and emergencies. We (his parents) are financially supporting him while there and he has a p/t job. I savings account statement came in the post to out house (he asked me to open it), I couldn't help but notice it was £500 short. When I asked he said it was his long term girlfriends birthday present, a designer bag.
I'm not sure who I'm more pissed at, my mug of a son for spending it or the CF girl for asking for it (she did, I asked it was a specific one she wanted). He says she will give him half the money back but 2 months on and it's not happened.
AIBU to be fuming at them? Or should I just let him spend his money however he sees fit?

OP posts:
Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 30/11/2020 18:57

Well i would be withdrawing financial support.

He needs to work more hours to fund his gf's shopping habit..

Sexnotgender · 30/11/2020 18:58

It’s his money at the end of the day.

However I’d have the conversation that if he can afford to drop £500 on a present for his girlfriend then perhaps he doesn’t need your financial support after all?

Fairybatman · 30/11/2020 18:58

At the end of the day it’s his money and he will only really learn by making mistakes. Having said that he can afford to blow £500 on a birthday present maybe you give him £500 less next term.

cansu · 30/11/2020 18:59

It is none of your business. I am sure you have at one time or another been unwise in what you have spent your money on. You may disagree with it, but it is your son's money.

Sparklingbrook · 30/11/2020 18:59

It's his money so although I can see why you aren't best pleased especially as you are funding him he's an adult and can do what he likes with it.

Pikachubaby · 30/11/2020 18:59

I think it’s none of your business really?

His money, his decision really.

Do you like the GF?

He’ll learn that it’s easier to spend than to earn, but you can only learn that one way (by making mistakes)

CoconutGrove · 30/11/2020 19:00

Wonder what she'll want for Christmas and Valentine's Day

WitchOfTheWest · 30/11/2020 19:01

It's his money but I can see why you're pissed! I'd definitely be cutting back the financial support from now on!

Sparklingbrook · 30/11/2020 19:02

I suppose with COVID there's been no adventures or emergencies this year?

LucilleBluth · 30/11/2020 19:03

I would go absolutely apeshit. I have a DS in his first term at uni. Everything is costing a fortune, I’d actually kill him a s she’s a massive cheeky fucker.

VanCleefArpels · 30/11/2020 19:03

I think the mistake here was giving him unfettered access to a large amount of money. What did you think he would do with it? Would £500 on, say, an engagement ring have made you feel differently? Or a plane ticket? Or what? I don’t think you should link this to your support of him, that was your choice to make entirely separate to the fact that he had been given this amount of money. However next time he truly does have a financial emergency then you can gently remind him that his past choices may have impacted on his ability to tackle it. Pigeons generally come home to roost in my experience!

Sparklingbrook · 30/11/2020 19:05

Why did he ask you to open the statement? Did he not realise what it was and you would see?

TwoIceCubes · 30/11/2020 19:05

He says she will give him half the money back but 2 months on and it's not happened

^

I would be more livid at this, she should have given him back the money as promised!

In answer to your question YANBU she shouldn’t be asking your son to buy her a bag for that amount of money, it would be a lot different if she didn’t ask for it!

ScrapThatThen · 30/11/2020 19:07

I would reiterate 'that money was for you, not to spend on others - a fool and his money are soon parted etc'. And I would make a strategic reduction in generosity in one or two areas.

Original poster
meadinchelsea · 30/11/2020 19:07

They have been together years and yes I do really like her, we always include her on family holidays ect.
It is his money now and none of my business yes, but I can't help but feel disappointed. Which is why I'm asking AIBU 😬
Neither I nor his dad would have ever been gifted anything like that when we were his age, but if I had I would have gone travelling for sure and I guess that's what I hoped he would do to. 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
Hardbackwriter · 30/11/2020 19:07

@TwoIceCubes

He says she will give him half the money back but 2 months on and it's not happened

^

I would be more livid at this, she should have given him back the money as promised!

In answer to your question YANBU she shouldn’t be asking your son to buy her a bag for that amount of money, it would be a lot different if she didn’t ask for it!

I am very sceptical that this was ever the deal, it sounds like something he said to placate OP. Asking for an expensive present but offering to pay for half of it - in arrears - is very weird.
greensnail · 30/11/2020 19:08

Its his money. DH blew his student loan on my engagement ring, 20 years on and I believe he still thinks it was a good investment.

Omeara · 30/11/2020 19:08

I can understand you not liking it but it’s his business. This money wasn’t to subsidise his day to day living so it’s up to him how he spends it.

Daft yes but we all make mistakes when we’re young (and in love)!

SmithfamilyRobinson · 30/11/2020 19:09

My DS x2 have reacted to their legacies with similar misguided generosity IMHO. Firstly buying a passport for a friend who didn't have the means or parents didn't have the means... then funding a camper van for friends to go on a jolly. Put a stop to both of these ideas. I didn't save to fund other people's children having a holiday! For the eldest we managed to get him to open a LISA (lifetime ISA) which pays the equivalent of 25% interest on the capital but you can only use it to fund buying a house or go to his pension. I am sure you had something like that in mind!

Original poster
meadinchelsea · 30/11/2020 19:10

AngryHmm

OP posts:
ChocolateCherrybomb · 30/11/2020 19:12

@meadinchelsea

Just that basically. The finer details as follows: Son has a very small inheritance for uni (£3k) that was collected over the years from various grandparents at birthdays /Christmas ect while they were all alive, sadly they have all now passed away. He was given access this year as he moved away to uni and we always said the money is for adventures and emergencies. We (his parents) are financially supporting him while there and he has a p/t job. I savings account statement came in the post to out house (he asked me to open it), I couldn't help but notice it was £500 short. When I asked he said it was his long term girlfriends birthday present, a designer bag. I'm not sure who I'm more pissed at, my mug of a son for spending it or the CF girl for asking for it (she did, I asked it was a specific one she wanted). He says she will give him half the money back but 2 months on and it's not happened. AIBU to be fuming at them? Or should I just let him spend his money however he sees fit?
That is not an inheritance.

That is his birthday and Christmas money.

Don't you think you have seized and kept control of his money for long enough.

It is not your money and never was.

Maybe if you had not controlled his money quite so much, he would have had some previous practice at being sensible with it before going off on his own.

user1487194234 · 30/11/2020 19:13

He is an adult ,keep out of it

Hardbackwriter · 30/11/2020 19:13

As an adult I can totally see why you think him spending it on travelling would be a much better use than a (ridiculously) expensive gift for a girlfriend, but from his point of view they're both 'frivolous' and he probably sees himself as very generous and romantic so probably thinks he made a better choice... He won't see it that way once the girlfriend is gone but I guess that's learning through experience!

hibbledibble · 30/11/2020 19:14

It's difficult, as while he is an adult, and his money to spend as he wishes, you are also supporting him financially, therefore he is not completely independent.

What's done is done, but I would be talking to him about making a budget to include all expenditure, and not buying more expensive gifts as part of this, otherwise his support may need to be re-evaluated

emilyfrost · 30/11/2020 19:15

YABVU. It’s his money; he can spend it how he likes and it’s none of your business.