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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son gifted GF a designer bag from uni fund AIBU to be livid?

495 replies

meadinchelsea · 30/11/2020 18:55

Just that basically. The finer details as follows:
Son has a very small inheritance for uni (£3k) that was collected over the years from various grandparents at birthdays /Christmas ect while they were all alive, sadly they have all now passed away. He was given access this year as he moved away to uni and we always said the money is for adventures and emergencies. We (his parents) are financially supporting him while there and he has a p/t job. I savings account statement came in the post to out house (he asked me to open it), I couldn't help but notice it was £500 short. When I asked he said it was his long term girlfriends birthday present, a designer bag.
I'm not sure who I'm more pissed at, my mug of a son for spending it or the CF girl for asking for it (she did, I asked it was a specific one she wanted). He says she will give him half the money back but 2 months on and it's not happened.
AIBU to be fuming at them? Or should I just let him spend his money however he sees fit?

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 30/11/2020 20:01

He’s still a good lad. He’s just bought his girlfriend a present more expensive than you would like, he hasn’t spent it on crack and prostitutes!

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 30/11/2020 20:01

I hope his GF is going to buy him a 500 quid present when it's his birthday

PoorMansPaulaRadcliffe · 30/11/2020 20:03

You should watch 'Some Kind Of Wonderful'.

And, actually, I think a PP should've let her son(s) buy their pal a passport with their money. But we're all different.

Sweettea1 · 30/11/2020 20:05

Am under the impression this money was his put in a bank account instead of receiving bday Xmas presents since you say thats when it got put in if that's the case its his too whatever he pleases you might have decided it was uni fund but he doesn't have to agree given its his. If you feel you need to control his spending then simply don't give him money tell him earn it himself to spend how he wants.

TheLadyOfShallnott · 30/11/2020 20:06

It is his money. He can spend it as he sees fit.

But if he is reliant on his parents to fund him through further education then he should have made better choices with his funds.

And possibly with his girlfriend.

Who would ask a student for a posh bag? As another said, it makes her sound grabby.

And I don’t believe the deal was ever to pay half of it back.

ZoeTurtle · 30/11/2020 20:06

I savings account statement came in the post to out house (he asked me to open it), I couldn't help but notice it was £500 short. When I asked he said it was his long term girlfriends birthday present, a designer bag.

This is such an obvious lie. You snooped. Another red flag for you being controlling with HIS money.

Do you enjoy the control that financially supporting him gives you?

thecatsthecats · 30/11/2020 20:07

@Nicknacky

He’s still a good lad. He’s just bought his girlfriend a present more expensive than you would like, he hasn’t spent it on crack and prostitutes!
Yes, it's definitely on the innocent end of the hedonism scale.

Little heligan, spending money his long term girlfriend.

SarahAndQuack · 30/11/2020 20:07

Honestly, if being over-generous to his girlfriend is the worst thing your adult son does, I think you're probably fine!

lakesidewinter · 30/11/2020 20:09

If the least sensible decision he makes in his life is to buy his long term girlfriend a gift that should last and she really wants from a fund for adventures then you have brought him up well OP.

sofiaaaaaa · 30/11/2020 20:10

He’s an adult. It’s his money and he can do what he wants with it.

It isn’t the most financially sensible purchase but he’s 18 and we’ve all been there. He’s admitted he overdid it. How will he learn financial responsibility if you won’t let him make mistakes and learn from them? It could be worse. Many students are very deep into their overdrafts, (or worse - credit cards!) so at least he’s not placed himself in debt. With the worst case scenario being that she doesn’t pay him back, his life realistically won’t be any worse off.

HappyDays10101 · 30/11/2020 20:10

I would class this as an ‘adventure’ - presumably he got something out of feeling like some kind of high roller? Maybe they enjoy some kind of footballer/WAG type role play - who knows.

Ughmaybenot · 30/11/2020 20:10

@SuperAlly

Hang on. Am I understanding this...this is his birthday and Christmas money from over the years that you have taken off him and made him save...and now he’s Uni age and you’re still seeking to control what he spends it on? What?
This!!!
Nicknacky · 30/11/2020 20:11

Why did he need the statement opened? If he knows what’s why did he need you to check it?

PatriciaPerch · 30/11/2020 20:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
meadinchelsea · 30/11/2020 20:12

"This is such an obvious lie. You snooped. Another red flag for you being controlling with HIS money."

Nope. Not even remotely true. A letter came for DS I sent him a photo of the envelope and he asked me to open it. End of.

OP posts:
Original poster
meadinchelsea · 30/11/2020 20:14

@lakesidewinter thanks, that's a nice way to look at it Smile

OP posts:
Krampusnacht · 30/11/2020 20:15

Regardless of where the money came from, it was saved for him to be used by him, and that's what he's doing. You really don't get to tell him what on.

Original poster
meadinchelsea · 30/11/2020 20:16

@PatriciaPerch glad someone understood!!

OP posts:
Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 30/11/2020 20:17

YABU

Buddytheelf85 · 30/11/2020 20:18

Wow ok, so maybe I worded it wrong... his family gifted him the money to be put in a savings account for when he was 18. I've not hid it or controlled it from him FFS!! We actually let him have access early at 17 so he could pay for driving lessons too.

Yes I thought when I was reading all the predictable ‘you’re so controlling, that’s his birthday and Christmas money that you’ve kept from him’ responses that it was probably something like this. My parents have set up something similar for my son - they’re paying into a junior ISA every Christmas and birthday, and the idea is that he’ll get it when he’s 18 to spend on travelling or uni or driving lessons or a car.

My parents will probably be dead by then. And we won’t be able to police his use of the money, I know that. But I know for certain my parents aren’t doing it with the aim of enabling him to buy an extremely extravagant gift for someone else and I’d be very disappointed if he did. So I totally get you. It’s legally his money, yes, and you learn by making mistakes, yes - but it’s a stupid waste of money that was lovingly set aside over time to improve his future. She doesn’t need it - no one needs a £500 handbag - and odds are they’ll break up, given their ages. It’s just a status symbol they both fancied.

As others have said I agree that if he can blow £500 on a handbag for his girlfriend, he doesn’t need support from you. He’s made the mistake, he may as well learn from it now! People who can afford to spend £500 on handbags are people with lots of disposable income. He’s got to learn the hard way that he doesn’t have a lot of disposable income.

TwoIceCubes · 30/11/2020 20:18

I don’t think any of us should be accusing OP or lying/snooping, we don’t live with her and we weren’t present at the time the letter arrived.

allfurcoatnoknickers · 30/11/2020 20:19

I'm baffled by this - I had a similar savings account as a child/student and even my controlling parents didn't interfere with what I spent it on. I blew a load of it on a trip to California when I was 19 and probably came back with £500 of stuff from Hollister, Abercrombie etc.

Is the account in his name OP? If so, it's got fuck all to do with you.

Also, what designed sells £500 bags?! Isn't a Chanel wallet on a chain more than that?

ukgift2016 · 30/11/2020 20:19

This is why I wouldn't gift my daughter money at the age of 18!

It's his money now and you gave it to a teenager.

VinylDetective · 30/11/2020 20:22

@Pepernotenregen

*That is not an inheritance. That is his birthday and Christmas money. Don't you think you have seized and kept control of his money for long enough. It is not your money and never was.*

This 100 times over

1000 times in fact. He’s an adult. It’s his money and you get off on thinking you have a say in how he spends it. Time to back off, OP, you’re overstepping.
Schummakker · 30/11/2020 20:23

It was probably a rash decision he immediately regretted. I would have a conversation with him and whether he would ask her for a £500 present. This was wrong of her.