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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son gifted GF a designer bag from uni fund AIBU to be livid?

495 replies

meadinchelsea · 30/11/2020 18:55

Just that basically. The finer details as follows:
Son has a very small inheritance for uni (£3k) that was collected over the years from various grandparents at birthdays /Christmas ect while they were all alive, sadly they have all now passed away. He was given access this year as he moved away to uni and we always said the money is for adventures and emergencies. We (his parents) are financially supporting him while there and he has a p/t job. I savings account statement came in the post to out house (he asked me to open it), I couldn't help but notice it was £500 short. When I asked he said it was his long term girlfriends birthday present, a designer bag.
I'm not sure who I'm more pissed at, my mug of a son for spending it or the CF girl for asking for it (she did, I asked it was a specific one she wanted). He says she will give him half the money back but 2 months on and it's not happened.
AIBU to be fuming at them? Or should I just let him spend his money however he sees fit?

OP posts:
SuperAlly · 30/11/2020 20:49

I remember my boyfriend when I was 19 bought me a Louis Vuitton handbag. He’d just started his first proper graduate job and we thought he was loaded. I never asked him for it or hinted that I wanted it. I never asked him for anything (and to be honest while I was quite proud of it because he bought it for me, designer bags were never really my thing Blush)

And yet his mum and sister still blamed me for his decision to buy me this present. They never much liked me - didn’t like any girlfriends of their golden boy. Now his sister laments about how he’s “never really settled down”. Yeah wonder why Hmm

Buddytheelf85 · 30/11/2020 20:49

He saved his birthday and Christmas money for uni? What a little legend. Leave him be!

It sounds as though it was given by grandparents on the proviso that it was saved for when he was 18 - probably paid directly into a savings account, like a Post Office account or a Junior ISA. I don’t think we’re talking about an incredibly precocious 5 year old who got cash out of an envelope on Christmas Day and said ‘thanks Granny, I’m going to save it for uni’.

SuperAlly · 30/11/2020 20:50

...apologies. I am not sure where that rant came from Blush

Original poster
meadinchelsea · 30/11/2020 20:50

@cherrypie790 that is exactly why I'm so disappointed, there is no way his grandparents would have wanted him to spend it on a designer bag for a gf.

Also agree with PP, yes the CF gf asking her student bf for such an expensive gift is Shock

It's such a thoughtful generous idea to save for them while they are young, little ones really don't need more toys! I will repeat this for any grandkids I get for sure.

OP posts:
Respectabitch · 30/11/2020 20:51

He's been a bit of a tit, but it's hardly a lifechanging amount of money. I probably did stupider things with my parents' money at that age and I've turned out as sensible and financially stable as any.

This will be a funny story some day (whether or not the girlfriend lasts and let's face it she probably won't ). And as PP say, if the worst financial shenanigans he gets up to at this age is being a bit overgenerous with a GF, you've raised a good one.

SeasonFinale · 30/11/2020 20:53

Of course she should not withdraw whatever financial support she gives her student son if it was she agreed to give during time at uni, whether it is a top up of maintenance loan or full funding. She agreed that knowing he had access to the £3k to spend. If she made it a condition eg. I will only pay your rent/fees etc if you use the £3k for books/food then that is one thing. Otherwise it is his money to spend as he sees fit.

flaviaritt · 30/11/2020 20:54

It sounds as though it was given by grandparents on the proviso that it was saved for when he was 18...

Which may be true, but if it was instead of Christmas and birthday money, I’m thinking that’s a tad harsh!

RedLipstickBigBag · 30/11/2020 20:54

It’s only £500 a month or so wages. It’s not a huge never get that back amount
Is she cheeky,undoubtedly. She’ll not pay that back, and he’ll hopefully learn don’t be a tube

Pinkyandthebrainz · 30/11/2020 20:55

He's an adult.

VinylDetective · 30/11/2020 20:55

[quote meadinchelsea]@cherrypie790 that is exactly why I'm so disappointed, there is no way his grandparents would have wanted him to spend it on a designer bag for a gf.

Also agree with PP, yes the CF gf asking her student bf for such an expensive gift is Shock

It's such a thoughtful generous idea to save for them while they are young, little ones really don't need more toys! I will repeat this for any grandkids I get for sure.[/quote]
My mum would have taken the view that once the money was his, he could decide how to spend it. She’d also have been delighted that he was generous.

I honestly can’t see why this is any worse than blowing £500 on “adventures”.

Nottherealslimshady · 30/11/2020 20:56

Just make sure you end up giving him the money back to support him. He chose to spend it on that so he can go without to fund his decision

CathyorClaire · 30/11/2020 20:59

Meh.

His money to piss up the wall. You say yourself he's a mug and he'll see it for himself soon enough. The only thing I wouldn't be doing is subbing him any extra if he finds himself short. Life lessons are there to be learned.

wildraisins · 30/11/2020 20:59

Did he really ask you to open it? :/ I don't get why he would if he knew he was £500 short and had any inkling you'd react this way.

At the end of the day he's an adult and it might be irresponsible but it's his business now so you should keep out of it.

ancientgran · 30/11/2020 21:03

I've not hid it or controlled it from him FFS!! We actually let him have access early at 17 so he could pay for driving lessons too. Can't you see how contradictory that is? You didn't control it but you actually let him have some of his money so he could have driving lessons.

He works, so some of his money is earned by him. Let him live his life.

NotDesmondsBoat · 30/11/2020 21:05

He's an adult. Leave him be.
Long term gf. Fuckin aggy parents

lemonsquashie · 30/11/2020 21:05

YANBU i would be furious. A young girl does not need a handbag for £500. I wonder what her parents would say about it.

Why didn't he get her one for half the price. It would still have been an expensive, designer bag

And yes, it is his money but presumably you're helping to fund uni so will end up paying in a round about way

And the cost of uni fees these days. Ouch! Totally understand why you are disappointed

ancientgran · 30/11/2020 21:07

I give my GC money for birthdays and Christmas. I hope they enjoy it other than that once I've given it it's their money and their business. One GS spent a ridiculous amount on some designer clothes, six months later he told me he'd wasted it and would I help him sell the clothes, so I did and he got most of the money back and learned something about managing money. It was a good lesson, probably as useful as anything he will learn at uni.

XingMing · 30/11/2020 21:07

Learning how to use money sensibly is just that ... a learning experience. DS learnt a lot about money in the two years between leaving school and starting university-- after working 70 hours a week as a chef on a little more than NMW. Don't think he's frugal (far from it) and he enjoyed quite a bit of the work, but he has learned that he wants value from what he's spending and buying.

2bazookas · 30/11/2020 21:07

If he runs out of money I would not fill the gap. Let him ask the GF.

Nicknacky · 30/11/2020 21:08

lemon I’m assuming this “young girl” will be roughly the same age as her boyfriend and is an adult so what has it got to do with her parents?

XingMing · 30/11/2020 21:10

There is a strong class-conscious divide line on this thread. I will not comment further. Someone give me a biscuit, please.

Truly2435 · 30/11/2020 21:10

I think it depends on how his usual spending is. If this is a one-off flashy gift for his gf, fair enough. If he’s constantly lavishing her in high price things, days out etc it’s more concerning and you’re reasonable to be more than a little annoyed

Krampusnacht · 30/11/2020 21:10

"Also agree with PP, yes the CF gf asking her student bf for such an expensive gift is.."

But OP earlier in the thread you said you liked his GF and had taken her on holiday. And now she's a CF for asking him for an expensive gift? Did he say she outright asked him? Or did she mention she liked a certain bag, it's been a shit year, and he decided to buy her it?

Either way, none of your business what he spends his money on. When you agreed to help fund uni did you do it on the proviso that he wasn't allowed to spend his own savings?

klipklop · 30/11/2020 21:15

That is not an inheritance.

That is his birthday and Christmas money.

Exactly this. Get a grip op, you can't control him forever. If he'd blew the entire 3k on Chanel for her I'd think you'd have a true grievance but either way, it's his money to do so as he wishes.

Buddytheelf85 · 30/11/2020 21:15

There is a strong class-conscious divide line on this thread. I will not comment further. Someone give me a biscuit, please.

You’re absolutely right.