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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son gifted GF a designer bag from uni fund AIBU to be livid?

495 replies

meadinchelsea · 30/11/2020 18:55

Just that basically. The finer details as follows:
Son has a very small inheritance for uni (£3k) that was collected over the years from various grandparents at birthdays /Christmas ect while they were all alive, sadly they have all now passed away. He was given access this year as he moved away to uni and we always said the money is for adventures and emergencies. We (his parents) are financially supporting him while there and he has a p/t job. I savings account statement came in the post to out house (he asked me to open it), I couldn't help but notice it was £500 short. When I asked he said it was his long term girlfriends birthday present, a designer bag.
I'm not sure who I'm more pissed at, my mug of a son for spending it or the CF girl for asking for it (she did, I asked it was a specific one she wanted). He says she will give him half the money back but 2 months on and it's not happened.
AIBU to be fuming at them? Or should I just let him spend his money however he sees fit?

OP posts:
UsedUpUsername · 04/12/2020 06:08

@ancientgran

Maybe if she hadn't been so controlling about money he might be more mature or then again maybe he is very mature and spent his money his way. I think it is highly unlikely that when he was 2 high grandparents were saying, "This is for when he is 18, but give him some at 17 if you feel like it, it is for uni, adventures and emergencies but make sure it isn't spent on a girlfriend." If they did they were quite strange as that isn't the sort of plans you make for a 2 year old when you give him a few quid.
It’s very common to start a fund for your child when they are born, either for uni or to make a downpayment on a house or buy a car, something to help them out down the road.

It is precisely the sort of thing you do for your child. I opened an account for my child before they were even born!

DeeCeeCherry · 04/12/2020 10:29

The money was "collected" from his grandparents etc? No, it wasn't - they gave him money as a present for birthdays and Christmas, and you confiscated it. That is so very mean, to not even let him have some of it and have the joy of choosing a treat for himself? No wonder he blew £500 of his money - & it IS his money, it was never ever yours. Youve not imbued him with money sense and whilst I do think gf is a cf, l I think this really is a 'reap what you sow' situation. You shouldn't have witheld his gifts like that and the fact you're here pretending it was an 'inheritance' says a lot. Your attitude to money isn't great either so why would your son's be?

ancientgran · 04/12/2020 10:33

It is precisely the sort of thing you do for your child. I opened an account for my child before they were even born! Yes my kids had them, GC have them but they are entirely separate from birthday and Christmas presents.

This clearly wasn't some defined saving, it was for when he was 18 but he had some at 17, it was for adventures and emergencies. The "allowing" him to have some of his own money for driving lessons says alot. It was clearly just his money.

AmorFattyOwlOne · 04/12/2020 10:36

Yeh, withholding the tenners here and there, that's quite ..... Shock
Calling it an inheritance when it was birthday treats really, that's like a distortion of the truth.

i agree with @DeeCeeCherry there's something unhealthy in this attitude to money. He splurged a bit, on somebody ELSE.

I wouldn't be despairing with him if he were my son.

ssd · 04/12/2020 10:44

I'd be pissed off too op.
I'd be pissed off that A. He'd been such a stupid bugger and B. His gf thinks asking him for a 500 quid bag is ok. Doesn't bode well for their future together.
I'd be having a quiet word.

UsedUpUsername · 04/12/2020 14:09

@ancientgran

It is precisely the sort of thing you do for your child. I opened an account for my child before they were even born! Yes my kids had them, GC have them but they are entirely separate from birthday and Christmas presents.

This clearly wasn't some defined saving, it was for when he was 18 but he had some at 17, it was for adventures and emergencies. The "allowing" him to have some of his own money for driving lessons says alot. It was clearly just his money.

This is your opinion and counter to what the OP has written where she did ask relatives to give money specially for this fund. But you persist in believing otherwise.

And driving lessons are quite important to his future — I don’t see it as a conflict? It’s an important life skill. (But I’m from an area where having a licence and a car is the done thing)

UsedUpUsername · 04/12/2020 14:13

Calling it an inheritance when it was birthday treats really, that's like a distortion of the truth

It wasn’t saved up Bday/Xmas treats. It was specially collected from relatives to put into this fund from very early on. A lot of families do something similar.

i agree with @DeeCeeCherry there's something unhealthy in this attitude to money. He splurged a bit, on somebody ELSE

Yes, because the intention was for it to be spent on him to better his future. I doubt many would look kindly upon a young woman using her education/work/travel fund lovingly saved up by family to buy an Xbox for her boyfriend.

I wouldn't be despairing with him if he were my son

I don’t believe you.

canigooutyet · 04/12/2020 14:53

So i get a cash gift on my birthday/Christmas, this gets chucked into an account for a rainy day, adventure or whatever. So this makes it no longer a birthday/Christmas gift?

Relatives would drop money into my dc's accounts directly, or specifically gave me money to add to their savings.

Money given at Birthday/Christmas until the dc was old enough to understand the concept. it was automatically banked. When. they didn't get the concept they were asked what they wanted to happen to their money.

Some would go into their savings, some would be spent on stuff they wanted to buy.

I thought this was how most people did it?

canigooutyet · 04/12/2020 14:56

My DD's have bought their boyfriends expensive things. Just like they have received them from partners.

I haven't questioned them what they do with their savings. It's their money regardless of where it came from.

And a gift with restrictions/conditions isn't really a gift is it?

Got2beglue · 04/12/2020 15:02

@DeeCeeCherry

The money was "collected" from his grandparents etc? No, it wasn't - they gave him money as a present for birthdays and Christmas, and you confiscated it. That is so very mean, to not even let him have some of it and have the joy of choosing a treat for himself? No wonder he blew £500 of his money - & it IS his money, it was never ever yours. Youve not imbued him with money sense and whilst I do think gf is a cf, l I think this really is a 'reap what you sow' situation. You shouldn't have witheld his gifts like that and the fact you're here pretending it was an 'inheritance' says a lot. Your attitude to money isn't great either so why would your son's be?
Only you've completely made this up haven't you? The OP said that the grandparents intended for this money to be saved for him until he was older so you can relax now.
UsedUpUsername · 04/12/2020 15:51

My DD's have bought their boyfriends expensive things. Just like they have received them from partners

But not from a fund that is supposed to be used for education/work/study, which is the context you are missing here.

UsedUpUsername · 04/12/2020 15:54

To add: if it was money from his part-time job, then yes, it wouldn’t matter so much. He worked for it, it’s his to spend as he likes (one hopes wisely). This is different.

That his GF would accept such an extravagant gift from a student is kind of a separate issue.

fridgepants · 04/12/2020 16:23

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the user's request.

canigooutyet · 04/12/2020 17:01

@UsedUpUsername

My DD's have bought their boyfriends expensive things. Just like they have received them from partners

But not from a fund that is supposed to be used for education/work/study, which is the context you are missing here.

Yes, just like a lot of people have dipped into their "named" savings pot for something completely different.

The money was given at those occasions for adventures or emergencies, nothing about education/work/study. Read the op again,

He was given access this year as he moved away to uni and we always said the money is for adventures and emergencies

He could have pissed it all on booze at the end of the day involving an adventurous pub/club crawl. For all any of us know, that's what he really did but used the bag as a cover story lol.

VinylDetective · 04/12/2020 17:27

But not from a fund that is supposed to be used for education/work/study, which is the context you are missing here

It’s you who’s missing something. OP says it was for adventures and emergencies. She has never mentioned education/work/study. So, it would be OK to spend it on a week getting off his face in Ibiza because that’s an adventure, with nothing to show for it? I know which I’d rather see £500 spent on.

notdaddycool · 04/12/2020 17:33

If it’s a long term girlfriend I wouldn’t worry too much. If it was someone he’d met 3 weeks earlier I’d be raging. Ultimately after 18 he can do what he likes with his money unless it’s a trust he can’t access to a set age which I think is very unlikely from what you say. Hope they don’t break up soon. It’s been a shit year, I’d just ask him what he’s getting her for Christmas!

Technonan · 04/12/2020 17:44

He asked you to open his bank statement? Come on!

UsedUpUsername · 04/12/2020 18:20

@Technonan

He asked you to open his bank statement? Come on!
My parents used to do this for me at uni, bank address was their home address. Not unusual at all.
UsedUpUsername · 04/12/2020 18:24

The money was given at those occasions for adventures or emergencies, nothing about education/work/study. Read the op again

Believe I also mentioned travel, which is a nice thing to do if you’re young.

VinylDetective · 04/12/2020 18:55

@UsedUpUsername

The money was given at those occasions for adventures or emergencies, nothing about education/work/study. Read the op again

Believe I also mentioned travel, which is a nice thing to do if you’re young.

You didn’t mention travel. In any case, where’s he going to go now? The education/work/travel was a direct quote.
VinylDetective · 04/12/2020 18:56

Education/work/study, ffs!!

UsedUpUsername · 04/12/2020 21:27

Vinyl

I literally did:

Yes, because the intention was for it to be spent on him to better his future. I doubt many would look kindly upon a young woman using her education/work/travel fund lovingly saved up by family to buy an Xbox for her boyfriend

VinylDetective · 04/12/2020 21:35

But not from a fund that is supposed to be used for education/work/study, which is the context you are missing here

You said that too.

Mother2princess · 04/12/2020 22:23

Its his money his choice.....

No I wouldn't think it was ideal that he spent that but let him make his own mistakes

DeeCeeCherry · 05/12/2020 01:14

It was his birthday and Christmas money given to him as presents. Not OP's money. Doesn't matter what parents choose to 'decide' it is, based on their preference - It's not their money it's a gift. Not from their pockets. As long as he's doing what he should with the money OP has actually given to him - which is separate from his own money - then whilst it might be grating, it's nothing to do with anyone what he does with his own money that was not provided by his parents. It's disingenuous for some pp's to twist things by suddenly calling his money a 'fund' when it's not that at all. Neither was it OP's money in the 1st place. If son has no money sense it's not hard to see why. & He bought the bag for his long-term girlfriend not a girl he's just met. Jackanory additions don't change a thing.

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