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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son gifted GF a designer bag from uni fund AIBU to be livid?

495 replies

meadinchelsea · 30/11/2020 18:55

Just that basically. The finer details as follows:
Son has a very small inheritance for uni (£3k) that was collected over the years from various grandparents at birthdays /Christmas ect while they were all alive, sadly they have all now passed away. He was given access this year as he moved away to uni and we always said the money is for adventures and emergencies. We (his parents) are financially supporting him while there and he has a p/t job. I savings account statement came in the post to out house (he asked me to open it), I couldn't help but notice it was £500 short. When I asked he said it was his long term girlfriends birthday present, a designer bag.
I'm not sure who I'm more pissed at, my mug of a son for spending it or the CF girl for asking for it (she did, I asked it was a specific one she wanted). He says she will give him half the money back but 2 months on and it's not happened.
AIBU to be fuming at them? Or should I just let him spend his money however he sees fit?

OP posts:
Temporarything · 30/11/2020 19:17

He’s an adult but he is also being financially supported by his parents so I think they have d wry right to have a view on this.

Pepernotenregen · 30/11/2020 19:17

That is not an inheritance.
That is his birthday and Christmas money.
Don't you think you have seized and kept control of his money for long enough.
It is not your money and never was.

This 100 times over

HopeAndDriftWood · 30/11/2020 19:18

we always said the money is for adventures and emergencies

Maybe he thought buying his long-term girlfriend, who you take on holidays and seem to treat as part of the family, a present she’d love was the most adventurous thing to do this year?

Everyone does something stupid with money at uni, to some degree. This one doesn’t seem too bad. At least it’s not someone he met two months ago!

SuperAlly · 30/11/2020 19:24

Hang on. Am I understanding this...this is his birthday and Christmas money from over the years that you have taken off him and made him save...and now he’s Uni age and you’re still seeking to control what he spends it on? What?

Calligraphy572 · 30/11/2020 19:25

As you are financially supporting him, it's not really his money to do with as he pleases. It means that if that emergency does come up, which is what the money was meant to cover, he'll be coming to you instead. Which means that you just bought his GF a designer handbag.

He needs to have a chat about what he can afford, and what he can't.

MaskingForIt · 30/11/2020 19:25

That is not an inheritance. That is his birthday and Christmas money. Don't you think you have seized and kept control of his money for long enough. It is not your money and never was. Maybe if you had not controlled his money quite so much, he would have had some previous practice at being sensible with it before going off on his own.

This. I don’t think the word “inheritance” means what you think it means, although the word seems to be all the rage on Mumsnet of late.

This is his own money that you’ve finally let him get his hands on. No wonder he’s gone wild with it.

ColouringPencils · 30/11/2020 19:25

YANBU to be very pissed off. I can't decide if you should cut the amount you give him. Young people do stupid things.

Ellmau · 30/11/2020 19:25

TBF - you said he could spend it on 'adventures,' ie fun stuff, not just emergencies.

Is the bag a waste of money? Probably. But it's his choice to make.

Rae36 · 30/11/2020 19:26

My parents took 'rent' from my sister and saved it for her, then gave it to her when she moved to uni. Maybe £800, which was a lot of money for us. She 'lent' it to a few friends, thought she was going to rake it in with all the interest they were going to pay her. She never saw a penny of it. My parents were really disappointed, but she learned a lesson. She still says thinking about it makes her feel awful.

So yanbu to be disappointed but what can you do? I would also be quite pissed off at the gf, even though we don't know for sure that she properly asked for it. Maybe she just said "Oh I really fancy this bag" and he wanted to buy it for her.

MaskingForIt · 30/11/2020 19:26

@Calligraphy572

As you are financially supporting him, it's not really his money to do with as he pleases. It means that if that emergency does come up, which is what the money was meant to cover, he'll be coming to you instead. Which means that you just bought his GF a designer handbag.

He needs to have a chat about what he can afford, and what he can't.

It’s his year of birthday and Christmas money! Who expects their DC to use their birthday and Christmas money for emergencies?!
SuperAlly · 30/11/2020 19:27

She 'lent' it to a few friends, thought she was going to rake it in with all the interest they were going to pay her

Lol what?! Was she trying to be a bank? Or a loan shark?

Nicknacky · 30/11/2020 19:27

Did he get a choice about what he did with the money at birthdays and Christmas?

Pomegranatemolasses · 30/11/2020 19:29

Agree, this is not an inheritance. It's saved up birthday and Christmas money. It's annoying but you sound pretty controlling over the money which is ultimately his.

Floralnomad · 30/11/2020 19:30

It’s his money he can do what he likes with it , once it’s gone it’s gone .

Krampusnacht · 30/11/2020 19:31

He's an adult. It's his money to spend. My DS spent some of his uni fund on an engagement ring for his GF (still together) and it was absolutely none of my business.

ShanghaiDiva · 30/11/2020 19:32

It was his birthday and Xmas and really none of your business what he spends it on. It is not up to you to dictate that this money is for adventures/emergencies.

Dogsaresomucheasier · 30/11/2020 19:33

I think she was very cheeky to ask for such an expensive gift from a student. Does she come from a background where she’s not learned the value of money? At this stage I think a chat about the fact “a fool and his money are soon parted” and the sacrifices you are making to support him, and he can’t afford this lifestyle if you can’t, wouldn’t go astray.

Mumblechum0 · 30/11/2020 19:35

Agree, it wasn’t his inheritance, it was birthday and Christmas money from family over a period of years and entirely his to spend as he saw fit imo.

lakesidewinter · 30/11/2020 19:36

This doesn't sound like inheritance money as has been said.

It is expected that parents will part fund their dc's university costs. Funding is set up with this in mind. So doing this is just what is expected of you.

It really isn't down to you what your dc does with his disposable income and a bag is at least long lasting and can be sold in an emergency. He may be being over generous but that isn't the worst fault he could have.

dairyswim · 30/11/2020 19:36

YABU, it's his money.

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 30/11/2020 19:38

It's not an inheritance. You've been keeping his birthday and Christmas money for most of his life and now you've finally given it to him. Did he agree that you would keep that money until now?

It's his money. When you made the deal to financially support him at uni, did you put limitations on what he could spend things on?

I agree that you should have a talk about responsibilities. Show him what £500 of your money pays for him while he is at uni, and maybe ask him to explain why he should be able to buy his gf something that costs £500 whilst you cannot, because you are supporting him. Get him to really think about why he needed to spend that much, and why cant they be happy with smaller gifts etc.

Regularsizedrudy · 30/11/2020 19:39

£3000 is really not a lot to young people. It’s not a wise spend but it’s his money, he’ll have to learn the hard way I suppose.

Janedownourlane · 30/11/2020 19:39

Its his own money, it was given as a gift. You can't tell him what to do with it...adventures etc! He's an adult if he's now at Uni, can't believe you are being so controlling. Very unreasonable to be livid, and its defiinitely not an inheritance!

SunshineCake · 30/11/2020 19:39

I wouldn't be impressed. If he thinks he can afford to spend £500 on a bag then he can learn to stand on his own two feet. Grabby madam.

justicedanceson · 30/11/2020 19:40

It is his money though. I don’t think you can financially control an adult. That’s not okay. He is being partially funded by you to study. He is doing that. You can’t control every spend because of one (frankly very normal) financial contribution for education.