Son gifted GF a designer bag from uni fund AIBU to be livid?

[meadinchelsea]

Just that basically. The finer details as follows:
Son has a very small inheritance for uni (£3k) that was collected over the years from various grandparents at birthdays /Christmas ect while they were all alive, sadly they have all now passed away. He was given access this year as he moved away to uni and we always said the money is for adventures and emergencies. We (his parents) are financially supporting him while there and he has a p/t job. I savings account statement came in the post to out house (he asked me to open it), I couldn't help but notice it was £500 short. When I asked he said it was his long term girlfriends birthday present, a designer bag.
I'm not sure who I'm more pissed at, my mug of a son for spending it or the CF girl for asking for it (she did, I asked it was a specific one she wanted). He says she will give him half the money back but 2 months on and it's not happened.
AIBU to be fuming at them? Or should I just let him spend his money however he sees fit?

I'd like to see a picture of the 'the bag'.

Its his money his choice

If it came from his part-time job, well, it would still be foolish but his choice. This is kind of a slap to the face of relatives who saved it up for his future and his future alone.

@UsedUpUsername

Its his money his choice

If it came from his part-time job, well, it would still be foolish but his choice. This is kind of a slap to the face of relatives who saved it up for his future and his future alone.

Is it? Since they’re no longer here we’ll never know what they’d think. It’s indisputably his money - unless you misunderstand the concept of a gift.

This is kind of a slap to the face of relatives who saved it up for his future and his future alone

How ridiculous. It’s manipulative to give gifts with strings attached. If you want someone to use your monetary gift on a specific thing, gift that itself! You are absolutely unreasonable to get offended if they didn’t read your mind and buy whatever you had in mind - as it’s his money to use as he chooses.

@sofiaaaaaa

This is kind of a slap to the face of relatives who saved it up for his future and his future alone

How ridiculous. It’s manipulative to give gifts with strings attached. If you want someone to use your monetary gift on a specific thing, gift that itself! You are absolutely unreasonable to get offended if they didn’t read your mind and buy whatever you had in mind - as it’s his money to use as he chooses.

It was money collected from relatives to use for his future, that’s how the OP sold the whole thing to her family. It was to be used for him and his future, not for his girlfriend’s designer bag.

Imagine! If you had a daughter and she was using money from a work/study/travel fund set up on her behalf to buy her boyfriend something silly, like an Xbox, you’d be furious!

I’m sure that these relatives were not rich (hence the relatively modest amount). If he wants to spend recklessly, better it come from his part-time job.

She may as well have not bothered if her son spends so thoughtlessly with no regard for the spirit with which this fund was collected.

If he wants to spend recklessly, better it come from his part-time job

It’s all his money, it’s the same pot. You can only spend £1 once regardless of its source. Perhaps you could show where OP “sold” it to the relatives. I can’t find any reference to it, just that normal gifts of money were saved.

How are his relatives going to know? His mother doesn't have to advertise what he has done (apart from on here).

If you give money to someone there should be no strings attached; it's theirs.

This is kind of a slap to the face of relatives who saved it up for his future and his future alone

Imagine! If you had a daughter and she was using money from a work/study/travel fund set up on her behalf to buy her boyfriend something silly, like an Xbox, you’d be furious!

It - was - his - money. Not OP's. Her money is seperate.

The money was Christmas and birthday gifts to him what does that have to do with this magical 'Fund' word that's now being repeated?

OP's son should've been allowed to treat himself with some of the money, when it was gifted to him. I give my nieces and nephews money for Christmas and birthdays, it's to treat themselves. It's not for their parents to hoard the cash for years, then in later years mum thinks she has elastic apron strings and can forever control what they do with their own money.

But really - only on Mumsnet..

I'm sure some would keep their precious sons forever aged 10 if they could, so no woman could get her hands on him.

Yup.

Such a drama

Nice for him to buy this for her so long as she is deserving but then I'm soft

The money was Christmas and birthday gifts to him what does that have to do with this magical 'Fund' word that's now being repeated?

It was not Christmas or birthday gifts. It was specifically saved for this fund and pitched to relatives with this in mind.

OP's son should've been allowed to treat himself with some of the money

But he didn’t, did he? He treated his GF, which is why OP is peeved. This was not why relatives gave him money. To me, this shows a careless disregard for his family’s wishes.

It would have been better (although still foolish) to fund this bag out of his part-time job money instead.

It’s all his money, it’s the same pot. You can only spend £1 once regardless of its source. Perhaps you could show where OP “pitched” it to the relatives. I can’t find any reference to it, just that normal gifts of money were saved.

OP is likely not coming back, but I’m kind of pushing back because a similar thing happened to me.

I was given a lump sum, a very modest amount by standards, by my very much living grandparents. They are not rich but sacrificed so I could start out with some money.

My BF at the time, long-term I should add who went on holidays with my family, wanted to use some of it to buy a games console (he’d pay me back, he said!!)

I refused and it became kind of a sticking point. It wasn’t why we broke up but it didn’t help for sure. I ended up using that money to fund a life-changing study abroad opportunity.

I’m so glad I didn’t waste money on him and used it for myself; it’s sad that her son either didn’t have the backbone or the foresight to do something better than waste it on a handbag.

So many kids don’t get this kind of chance 😡

Vinyl

She said it was specifically given by relatives to be saved in this account (fund is my word):

I didn't withold any birthday or Christmas presents it was given to me to put in an account for him

You said she “pitched” the idea to relatives. That’s completely different to putting gifts into an account. Anyway, you’re determined to be right because of your own experience so I’ll leave you to it.

@VinylDetective

You said she “pitched” the idea to relatives. That’s completely different to putting gifts into an account. Anyway, you’re determined to be right because of your own experience so I’ll leave you to it.

Because that’s what happened. It wasn’t repurposed Xmas/Bday money put away by his mother, it was specifically given to this account to be used when he turned 18. A lot of families do something similar.

She said as much:

his family gifted him the money to be put in a savings account for when he was 18

Still no “pitching”.

I think OP hadn't thought of her ds as using the money in this way, and as she says in her last post it's a whole new ball game as dcs become independent.

When she sees them and if the gf shows her the bag she might well understand why he did it. Also the gf might be paying the bf back and he hasn't put it in his account.