Son gifted GF a designer bag from uni fund AIBU to be livid?

[meadinchelsea]

Just that basically. The finer details as follows:
Son has a very small inheritance for uni (£3k) that was collected over the years from various grandparents at birthdays /Christmas ect while they were all alive, sadly they have all now passed away. He was given access this year as he moved away to uni and we always said the money is for adventures and emergencies. We (his parents) are financially supporting him while there and he has a p/t job. I savings account statement came in the post to out house (he asked me to open it), I couldn't help but notice it was £500 short. When I asked he said it was his long term girlfriends birthday present, a designer bag.
I'm not sure who I'm more pissed at, my mug of a son for spending it or the CF girl for asking for it (she did, I asked it was a specific one she wanted). He says she will give him half the money back but 2 months on and it's not happened.
AIBU to be fuming at them? Or should I just let him spend his money however he sees fit?

I blew a load of it on a trip to California when I was 19 and probably came back with £500 of stuff from Hollister, Abercrombie etc.

Not the same (unless you bought one item from Hollister for someone else, not you) but don’t let that bother you.

I would be annoyed too, especially as you say you are also supporting your DS through Uni. I understand that it his money but most parents would hope their (adult) children would be more sensible. We contribute towards our DS's living costs whilst he is at Uni but if he spent that much on a girlfriend, or any frivolous purchase, yes, I would be disappointed and inclined to think he doesn't need a regular contribution from parents.

I've got grandchildren OP, and deeply regret not saving well for my children - so as a result, I only buy small gifts for them for christmas/birthdays and I put £100 each occasion in their savings accounts. Several other family members the same (as they get lots of gifts as it's a large family) and I have to say that if they get that money at 18 and promptly splurged a large sum of it on a gift for a BF/GF, I'd be really upset. Let alone if I was financially supporting them.

I'd want a chat about financial responsibility, and that people saved hard to give him that money. And I would review the amount you are supporting him with. He needs to learn how to manage money. £500 on a handbag is reckless at best.

Whether he was foolish or not for buying his GF a handbag, he's an adult and it's his money. Yes, as a parent, I would hope he would use it to spend on his education or something I felt was 'worthwhile', but he might feel making his long-term girlfriend happy is worthwhile. I wouldn't withdraw your own financial support just because you disapprove of how he spent his money, but I personally wouldn't provide financial support for Uni anyway, because I think young adults should pay for it themselves (as I and all my friends did). If a part-time job is not enough to cover fees etc., then he needs to get a full time job and attend uni later.

He saved his birthday and Christmas money for uni? What a little legend. Leave him be!

The more a parent mewls about boyfriends/girlfriends and inappropriate behaviour of any sort, the harder it is for a young person to come back for advice.

The best thing a parent can do is to allow the cubs to make mistakes and independently learn from them. As they will but they won't want to admit it and we have to internalise that.

In five years you will be honoured if he casually drops into conversation "I can see now mum that xx was a bit manipulative and wasn't very good for me".

£500 is a lesson learnt and colours shown. A free about it to him might leadb to bigger mistakes harder to repair than saving up another £500!

then he needs to get a full time job and attend uni later

Of course he does because there are so many spare jobs at the moment, aren’t there?

It's his money, but this would upset me too. Do you think the givers would have approved of him spending the money on the bag?

Regardless, if he can spend this much on an extravagant gift I'd be rethinking how much financial support he needed from me and reducing it, especially if I didn't have an abundance of money myself.

My ds1 went through 5k ( that was saved for him by grandparents ) in his first term at Uni. It's ok people saying it's the parents fault for letting them have access to it, but if it's in a junior ISA or similar, it has to be transferred into their name at 18, so unless you can pursuade your teenager to give some of it back to you for safe keeping, there's not a lot of hope of controlling it. My Ds spent it on nice weekend/ hotel breaks with his gf, gambling and socialising. He had a big ambling win of 2.5k and we insisted he give some back to us for safe keeping which he did and says the gambling has stopped. My ds2 inherited the same amount at 18 and has not touched his in 2 years, in fact he has added to it significantly. He is th total opposite of his older brother where money is concerned. My ds3 is about to turn 18 and I'm not sure how sensible he will be, but I will try to encourage him to lock it away in an ISA or something until he goes to Uni.

@Nicknacky

He’s still a good lad. He’s just bought his girlfriend a present more expensive than you would like, he hasn’t spent it on crack and prostitutes!

This!

@Nicknacky

He’s still a good lad. He’s just bought his girlfriend a present more expensive than you would like, he hasn’t spent it on crack and prostitutes!

I agree with this. I WOULD be peed off with him, and tell him he mustn't spend the money on others until he is in a position to do so. Have a bit of a nag, but also be proud that you've raised such a generous boy. There's nothing worse than tight men, so he does sound a lovely boy, OP.

Legally, none of your business. It's his money.

Morally, I can understand your upset. You saved that money for him for ages, then he went and blew a sixth of the total on something that was neither adventure or emergency.

I expect that if they split, he'll suddenly see it as a waste of money too!

It’s not an inheritance it’s birthday/Xmas monies accrued over the years
And it’s his to do with what he wants. He clearly thinks it was a good idea

Buntys The op didn’t save it for him. It was his money to start with.

He’ll have to learn by himself the value of money and how proportion is appropriate to spend on gifts. It could be a tough lesson but his to go through, it’s nothing you should impose on him now he’s an adult.

I'd be fuming if he was one of mine and I was still bank rolling him ridiculous decision, people gave HIM money for HIMSELF not for a gf

I think a lot of teenagers overspend on boyfriends/girlfriends/friends - I did, not to the tune of £500, but still. It's sort of a hard lesson to teach because generosity and friendship/relationships are good things, but ridiculous over-generosity is not (and does normally come from a lack of appreciation of the value of money). I remember my mum being annoyed that I was giving my friends endless lifts with petrol she'd paid for and I couldn't understand why she was begrudging me being so nice to others - obviously I now look back and am very much on her side!

Its his money. You shouldn't even be looking at his bank statements.

Just say to him next time you have a chance, in a really sincere way, ‘wow, X is so lucky having such a great present! So what are you hoping she buys you when it’s your turn?’. That will sort the sheep from the goats pretty sharpish if he has even the slightest bit of intelligence.

YABU for saying 'uni' and 'gifted'.

It's not an inheritance. He has saved all his birthday and Christmas money and he chose to spend it on his gf. I think you're being really intrusive!!

This is exactly why I posted on another thread last week that CTFs and Junior ISAs are a terrible idea.