Son gifted GF a designer bag from uni fund AIBU to be livid?

[meadinchelsea]

Just that basically. The finer details as follows:
Son has a very small inheritance for uni (£3k) that was collected over the years from various grandparents at birthdays /Christmas ect while they were all alive, sadly they have all now passed away. He was given access this year as he moved away to uni and we always said the money is for adventures and emergencies. We (his parents) are financially supporting him while there and he has a p/t job. I savings account statement came in the post to out house (he asked me to open it), I couldn't help but notice it was £500 short. When I asked he said it was his long term girlfriends birthday present, a designer bag.
I'm not sure who I'm more pissed at, my mug of a son for spending it or the CF girl for asking for it (she did, I asked it was a specific one she wanted). He says she will give him half the money back but 2 months on and it's not happened.
AIBU to be fuming at them? Or should I just let him spend his money however he sees fit?

It's his money, but he doesn't need yours if he can afford designer handbags.
Hope he doesn't have any emergencies as he's spent the money.
Please let him learn the consequences of his actions. So many young people don't today.
I'm not judging, mine doesn't either.

@Omeara

I can understand you not liking it but it’s his business. This money wasn’t to subsidise his day to day living so it’s up to him how he spends it.

Daft yes but we all make mistakes when we’re young (and in love)!

Absolutely this. He's young and happy - by all means reduce the support you offer if you feel you must, but let it go and don't let it fester.

So how will he follow that up with his Christmas gift to her?

I would look at reducing my financial support to him and letting him know that.

That is not an inheritance.

That is his birthday and Christmas money.

Don't you think you have seized and kept control of his money for long enough.

It is not your money and never was.

Maybe if you had not controlled his money quite so much, he would have had some previous practice at being sensible with it before going off on his own.

Exactly this.

It’s his money that he’s accumulated over the years. It’s absolutely nothing to do with you how he spends it. You’d be as petty as hell to cut off financial support to him over it, especially as he’s already got a part time job so is helping out.

If you had told him the money was to help him survive at Uni you might have a bit of a point. But you said adventures and emergencies, so I think he'd decided that he will have an adventure with his girlfriend and give her an amazing present.

Birthday & Christmas money saved & only given as an adult?

His own money given to him with conditions?

Bloody hell!

It's birthday and Christmas money he has saved up. How would you feel if someone was trying to control what you did with birthday gifts?
Did the grandparents know you were hiding their presents away from him (the person they gave the present to)?

I’d wonder on what planet someone is who knows their partner is a student and therefore doesn’t have much cash but asks for a £500 handbag as a present.

Of course, perhaps he said, ‘You can have anything you want up to the value of £500’ but I’d still question the moral values of someone who then responds, ‘Brill, I’ll have a designer handbag, Skint Uni Student Partner. Cheers!’

It’s his money and he’s an adult, but I’d be disappointed. Not sure if he should be punished for spending his own money, that’s a bit controlling.

I understand your frustration. Teen has just withdrawn £300 and blown it, had already run through £140 birthday money the week before, he has nothing to show for it.

My grandparents would have been very sad if 18 years of presents which they had struggled to give did not get spent on me.
Thankfully I had poor family and no financial support so used every penny of it getting through Uni!

£3000 over say five years is about £600 a year.

Kids have very expensive tastes these days, not that I like it. A pair of branded trainers and a couple of branded hoodies a year would have wiped half of that out each year if you'd given him it to spend rather than forcing him to save.

(I personally detest the trend of teens being encouraged to engage in this kind of extreme spending, but you're fighting a losing battle to try and go against it)

Seems a bit dubious whether the mo eg is actually his to spend as he wishes or not. Also strange you seem to be inspecting the statements, is it his account or not? Regardless, it’s a poor financial decision and I can understand you being somewhat disappointed.

My personal interpretation is that it sounds like he’s playing Charlie big potatoes to the girlfriend. Why did she think she could ask for that if it’s so far out of his reach? Why isn’t he confident enough in his relationship to say no? Probably because he’s young and foolish like we all were.

I wouldn’t come down too hard though, just say this is a lesson learnt in that once the money’s gone it’s gone, express your disappointment and reiterate that you have to work x to support him. Then move on. He’s off at uni, time to cut the apron strings and don’t risk being pitted against the gf.

You can’t control it to the extent of you wish he spent it travelling. You can’t project YOUR hopes and dreams on his life. He can spend it how he likes, even if he just peel it up the wall. However, I would be making it very clear, that the £3000 has to last him for x months, or however long it would take you to contribute that amount to him. So if you give him £500 a month then you get a break for 6 months. He will soon learn to prioritise his spending.

You sound very controlling, Op.

Last time I checked it wasn't cool to save up your kid's birthday gifts and then be the big I am with a raft of restrictions. But you are most unreasonable for coming up with the cringey name Adventures and Emergencies.

Peel? Pees.

What bag was it out of interest?

What a shame he has the type of girlfriend who'd ask her STUDENT boyfriend to blow £500 on a handbag for her. If he's saddled himself with a money-fickle one, I feel sorry for him

He can only spend it once. If it's daft, it's his daft decision, not yours.

You said it was for adventures, and on that base he can do what he likes with it 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think lots of children get money gifts over the years and it does accumulate.

I don't think the OP was holding his money hostage.

I can imagine you are disappointed in his girlfriend. That is some present to receive.

I would try and hold in my irritation, but I think it's fair to tell him that he might regret frittering away this money.

If he continues to go through it I wouldn't be stepping in with extra money.

He needs to learn the value of money.

Woah woah - I've just read, it was his money he's not had access to over years, from b days and Xmas?! YABVU - it's his bloody money!

Also - that's not what an inheritance is.

Wow ok, so maybe I worded it wrong... his family gifted him the money to be put in a savings account for when he was 18. I've not hid it or controlled it from him FFS!! We actually let him have access early at 17 so he could pay for driving lessons too. It was a lovely thing to be able to give him and he was super grateful for it as what would a 2,3,4 or 5 year old want with it at the time. There was also inheritance added by me when my grandfather died so I just called it that.
I've not seen him yet to have a chat about it, but even though I am livid, from the volume of YABU I shall tone it down to a fool and his money chat and leave it there.

He is such a good lad, and usually so sensible with his decisions. Probably why I'm so shocked!