Too fat for my husband to respect me

[FootballFacedOrang]

Last night, somehow, the subject of my weight came up.

I told my husband I feel like he doesn't have any respect for me any more. It's hard to pinpoint. His general tone, lack of interest in anything I'm doing, undermining me in front of our 5yr old son. He just acts, quietly, like I'm something to be tolerated. Never celebrated, admired, or god forbid fancy.

I thought maybe I was being paranoid. No. Turns out my husband "can't have any respect for me when I don't have any respect for myself". By this he means that I am too fat (13 stone at 5 foot 6), don't get enough exercise and eat too much.

While he's right that I've not looked after myself as well as I should have done over the last five years, the fact that his respect for me is so conditional is hurtful.

I am studying at the moment. I got 87% for a piece of work this week. I'm dealing with lock down, which for me means seeing no one but my husband and 5 year old, not seeing my own family or friends for nearly a year, single handedly doing homeschooling + study ealier in the year. Now doing the vast majority of parenting, housework and cooking + my studies because I'm not out at work (my studies bring in as much more money as DHs pretty low paid job).

I should add that I had loads of massive surgery and a emergency hysterectomy when DS was born, so I was post baby, surgery, hysterectomy and menopause at 32. It's taken its toll.

I dunno. I agree that I should be healthier, but life isn't ideal and I am what I am. I don't think k that's a reason to respect me less. AIBU?

Wow.... and I presume he's in absolute peak condition then?

Contempt is always a bad sign in a relationship and that's what he's showing you. You clearly haven't hurt or offended or done anything for him and yet he's trying to needle you and make you feel crap with his behaviour.

He should get in the bloomin' sea.

Your husband actually said that he doesn’t respect you. Wow. He should be your cheerleader.

You’ve achieved so much under such challenging circumstances this year, he should be recognising this and saying ‘Look, I love you, you’re doing an amazing job. If and when you want to explore some options, maybe have some time to yourself to do some more activities away from the house, I’ll be here to support you.’

He's a landscape gardener so he does lots of physical work for his job. He's not perfect but he's very fit (and will always be perfect to me, because I love the bones of him).

Gosh OP that must be so hurtful. You deserve respect and admiration because you’ve achieved so much. What a callous bastard. If he loved you and felt concerned from a health perspective, that’s one thing. But this is pure contempt. I couldn’t live with someone like that.

I hope you’ve told him how much he has hurt you. What do you want to do? Can he resolve this?

It won't be a popular opinion, but i do see his point. Respect IS conditional, that's the whole point, it's earned. I have personally completely lost respect for people i care about who have evidently no reapect for their own health, particularly when those people are parents.

HOWEVER it sounds lkle there are extenuating circumstances for you, and he should be approaching this issue from a place of concern and support, with changes to his own behaviour, not judgement.

Have you heard of the five love languages? That may help find ways back to connect. You sound like you have had/have a lot going on which would stretch anyone. I think it’s very difficult when you hear something like this and realise that you are not the ‘team’ you thought you were. It does sound like you have had a good relationship in the past and so it is worth taking this (hurtful but honest talk) and examine how you can both change a little bit to support each other better.

This is awful im very obese but i really struggle with food, ive weighed roughly 7 stone less than i do now and my husband treats me no differently. Why should he respect you less just because you're struggling with weight?

Turns out my husband "can't have any respect for me when I don't have any respect for myself". By this he means that I am too fat (13 stone at 5 foot 6), don't get enough exercise and eat too much.

Did he actually all say that?

Respect isn't conditional on appearance and I doubt that's why he feels this way it's just an excuse. I really would consider leaving him in this case, you're doing almost everything and he can't respect you without you looking a certain way. Don't waste any more of your time with him if there's no mutual respect. I show more respect to random people I meet than he has to you.

I hear you. I do need to take more care of myself, for me and my family.

That said, I'm not sure withdrawing respect is a motivating force. I have made a lot of sacrifices for this relationship (moved away from family and friends, to a part of the country I don't feel at home). I would likebana to make changes. But starting that from a place of subservience is hard. I'd dearly love someone to boost me and bring me up, not down.

Please don't love the bones of him. He sounds contemptuous and unkind. You on the other hand sound great. He's shallow.

I would be concerned that if I'm not for enough for him at 32 he's not going to love me at 62.

Sorry. Not fit enough...not for.

What an arse wipe. Man, that would hurt me to core. I don’t know how you move on from that tbh.

There's nothing I hate more than people who think someone's weight validates them as a person.

I think you’re amazing!! I don’t respect your husband’s approach to your weight

This is it. I feel like my current weight devalues me in his eyes.

It's dressed up as concern for my health, but if I was thin and equally un/healthy I suspect it wouldn't be an issue.

He comes from a family of very thin physically fit people. I was a size 10-12 before children but hitting surgical menopause at 32 (because I nearly died giving birth to our child) has screwed my body. He's 3 yrs younger than me. I think he genuinely has no idea what it feels like to have your body fail you in any way. And he respects me less for it.

Wow I’m overweight at the moment following recovery from a broken leg and having a baby and whenever I say to DH that I feel overweight he tells me I look perfect and he loves me just the way I am. That’s what a decent DH does, makes you feel supported and loved unconditionally.

You’ve had such a challenging time of things and it sounds like you are doing an AMAZING job!!! Congratulations on your result, I know how tough it is to study with a young child. He should acknowledge how much you do and what the huge load you’re juggling atm.... Perhaps if you need to lose some weight you should start with your so called ‘D’H

Christ I’ve just calculated your bmi.... you are by no means massive and even if you were, this is unacceptable.

You said you love the bones of your husband- you deserve someone to love the bones of you!

What do you respect about him?
You say yourself you do most parenting, house work, cooking and he is not the breadwinner.
So what does he respect about himself?
Maintaining physical fitness when your job is manual labour isn't exactly a Herculean effort!

So respect should only be about fitness and physical appearance? I don't think this sound right op. He sounds awful.

He sounds like a complete knob

If he's very fit and comes from a fit family then he will place value on physical health.

I would lose respect for my partner if they started smoking / not brushing their teeth / failing to look after themselves in one way or another. Doesn't mean I wouldn't still love them.

It sounds like you need to have a serious conversation about the expectations in your relationship and what you both want out of it. How is your communication generally?

(my studies bring in as much more money as DHs pretty low paid job).

It seems to me that this might matter more to him than you think. Is he trying to hold you back or stop you from leaving him, do you think?

I'm betting he hardly looks like a Men's Health cover model himself?

Men who treat women like this always look shit themselves.

Twat.

When we 'talked' last night I felt awful. My mum died very young and DH talking about me dying early because of my weight brought it all up. It's very emotional for me (to my detriment).

But today I think maybe I'm not so bad and he's being pretty harsh? And shouldn't I have the right to determine my own threshold for what is acceptable?

Not toentirely the fact that making someone feel shit about themselves is a sure fire way to make them fail.

I wish he was more emotionally driven and empathic. But he isn't, and I respect the fact that his priorities are different to mine. I wish it worked both ways.