Too fat for my husband to respect me

[FootballFacedOrang]

Last night, somehow, the subject of my weight came up.

I told my husband I feel like he doesn't have any respect for me any more. It's hard to pinpoint. His general tone, lack of interest in anything I'm doing, undermining me in front of our 5yr old son. He just acts, quietly, like I'm something to be tolerated. Never celebrated, admired, or god forbid fancy.

I thought maybe I was being paranoid. No. Turns out my husband "can't have any respect for me when I don't have any respect for myself". By this he means that I am too fat (13 stone at 5 foot 6), don't get enough exercise and eat too much.

While he's right that I've not looked after myself as well as I should have done over the last five years, the fact that his respect for me is so conditional is hurtful.

I am studying at the moment. I got 87% for a piece of work this week. I'm dealing with lock down, which for me means seeing no one but my husband and 5 year old, not seeing my own family or friends for nearly a year, single handedly doing homeschooling + study ealier in the year. Now doing the vast majority of parenting, housework and cooking + my studies because I'm not out at work (my studies bring in as much more money as DHs pretty low paid job).

I should add that I had loads of massive surgery and a emergency hysterectomy when DS was born, so I was post baby, surgery, hysterectomy and menopause at 32. It's taken its toll.

I dunno. I agree that I should be healthier, but life isn't ideal and I am what I am. I don't think k that's a reason to respect me less. AIBU?

You need to be on HRT, start exercising for the sake of your health and taking care of yourself because clearly he is no help to you.

Respect IS conditional, that's the whole point, it's earned

It's implicit in marriage vows. You can respect someone when you marry them, and then lose respect for them in time, but 'You put weight on' isn't really... well, a respectable reason for this. It displays a shallowness that should never be married.

Losing respect for someone on basis of their looks is incredibly mean and shallow though particularly a spouse the one person supposed to be on your side.

Dh has the body of a Greek god himself 🙄 which is tough but he never said a word when I was 2 stone overweight. He’s careful even about complimenting me now I have lost it (bmi 21) as guess that implicitly criticising the way I was.

If respect has gone then it's difficult to keep a relationship going as that is the bottom line. It must make you feel crap.

OP, this must have come as such a shock to you. I’m sorry. I think, in your position, I would make yourself and your child your sole priorities now. Concentrate on your studies and career, your health and then, only if you want to, your weight. (FWIW you’re slimmer than me).

Your’D’H has told you how he feels. He’s entitled to his feelings but he sounds dreadfully immature and unrealistic about what you have endured. When the shock is over from what he has said, I hope you come to realise this man isn’t deserving of your respect.

Like I said, focus on yourself and your child for now. It might take you a while, but now the truth about his feelings for you has been revealed, you might start to see you are worth more than this shitty little man is giving you.

@Esspee

You need to be on HRT, start exercising for the sake of your health and taking care of yourself because clearly he is no help to you

OP has stated 'I am what I am' and feels she should be respected as such. You are joining in with her husband, here.

My mother went through a similar medical emergency at the same age. My Dad was her biggest supporter. When she complained about her tummy he would point out that she had had major surgery, but she was still with him and just as lovely as they day they met. They have now been together for 50 years. They have both had their health crises and worries and they have been a rock for each other. That is what marriage is. Your husband needs to feel pride in his wife and lift your confidence when you are feeling down. Big virtual hugs to make up for the loneliness you are experiencing.

But it’s not losing respect for someone because of how they look, is it? It’s losing respect for someone because they don’t respect themselves enough to look after themselves. People have different priorities - I’d struggle to respect anyone who didn’t value education, and the OP’s partner clearly values physical fitness and not being overweight, you can’t deny it’s not healthy to nearly obese. I suspect half the reason the OP is so upset is because there’s probably a grain of truth in it - she knows that it’s not a great place to be. And yet, there are only so many hours in the day.

It is entirely understandable how the OP is in the situation she is in - childbirth, working etc. The OP needs to decide what to do next - either bump personal care up the priority list, or tell her DP to get bent, thanks all the same.

Your husband is a piece of shit and you deserve so much better.
To be concerned about someone you love is one thing, but to LOSE RESPECT for them? That’s vile and it’s not love. I’m so sorry.

Wow that's incredibly insensitive. How do you come back from that? I couldn't, it must have been so upsetting to hear.

I'm curious, how does he undermine you in front of your child? If my husband put on weight I would try to help him to lose it in a supportive way, I would be extremely sensitive about how I went about it though and I certainly wouldn't lose respect for him or become contemptuous - particularly not if the circumstances surrounding the weight gain were akin to yours OP. He sounds like a shallow, nasty bastard. You deserve better. Huge congrats on your results

Oh, and i’m a good stone heavier than you and a weightlifter. I could probably deadlift your husband - wonder if he’d ‘respect me’ and my fat ass after that?

Well done for everything you’ve been through and achieved. For what it’s worth, this total stranger respects you

He isn't concerned about your health. You nearly died giving birth and his concern is not about your recovery but whether you look the same as you did before children.

He's a really unpleasant person. Why do you 'love the bones' of a man who doesn't love and cherish you?

The question is, even if it he does feel less attracted to you due to your weight, I don't see how that means it's ok to treat you disrespectfully, take no interest in you or be dismissive of you in front of your child? Physical attraction is one thing. It is not the only thing about you. Is he suggesting that nothing else about you merits respect? Because if so, he is a massive arsehole tbh.

I've been with my husband since we were 19, hes seen me at a size 10 and he's seen me at a size 22-24, never has he once commented that I was too fat for him to respect. He supported me in losing weight as that's what I want but I've never felt disrespected or worth less than due to my weight. I think there's bigger problems here than your weight x

Learn to love the bones off yourself, more.

Be kind to yourself, you've been through a hard physical and emotional time.
Love yourself, respect yourself.

Take time for yourself.
Think about how you react to his lack off respect and ignore his reactions, you can't change them but you can how you react them.

List all you good points - keep that list and reflect back on it when you need to.
Give yourself a big hug as you are amazing.

Same here as 4minions. I’ve got my weight down a bit recently but mine hit 12 st 6 and I’m shorter than you so probably a similar BMI. I had similar early menopause after surgery and had hardly any menopause symptoms- apart from weight gain. Can you sit him down and tell him how hurtful he has been? My DH has only ever said that I look great and that we could get more fruit in and plan healthy meals together to help us both etc

How DARE he speak to the mother of his children about respect and link that basic requirement of an adult relationship to your weight? How fucking dare he?

Eckhart. Having to cope with menopause at 32 is huge strain on any woman. I had a surgical menopause at 40 and going on HRT was life changing. Exercising for the health benefits isn’t joining in with her husband it’s simple common sense. He is no help to her and I would suggest dumping him.

Respect IS conditional, that's the whole point, it's earned.

Relationships are conditional. On respect.

So you are taking on the lion's share of responsibility for your family's welfare, on top of recovering from a HUGELY SIGNIFICANT surgical procedure that you nearly died from, have raised a child during this time, coped with a world-wide pandemic and still gotten super impressive marks in your recent piece of work and HE DOESN'T RESPECT YOU FOR IT?

You deserve respect. I don't even know you and I respect you. He should be ashamed of himself.

Have you told him how hurt you are?

And how does he respond?

This is horribly hurtful op. I think I would be leaving the 5 year old with his father and heading out of the door today to give yourself time to reflect on your dh's lack of respect and how you are going to respond. He isn't exactly fulfilling the brief of "to love and honour" is he? You have choices. Personally, I would be taking some time away from someone who judges that I am not worthy of respect.

How did your DH behave when your son was born op, and you were recovering in hospital? How supportive a husband and father has he been since? How supportive was he post-hysterectomy?

I couldn’t stay with DH if he undermined me in front of DC repeatedly- I’m guessing that this is an established pattern of behaviour?

It’s really nasty for him to say he’s lost respect for you based on your appearance. If he’s concerned about health implications of your high bmi then he should’ve voiced this in a different tone with more compassionate words (I googled it and you’re a bmi 30, which is obese).

If you want to have a healthier lifestyle, then do it for you and your DS. Not for ‘D’ H. It could build your confidence.

I've battled with my weight since I had DD2, she is 11 now, I'm 5'7" and a half and the lightest I've been is 12 stone since I had her, and the heaviest was 14 and a half stone. Currently 12st 9lbs, BMI 27.5 and getting into size 12 clothes now. I have endometrosis so my hormones can be all over the place and any issue with female hormones makes it much harder to lose weight and if you've had a hysterectomy and early menopause (this was offered to me at one point) this will be even more the case.

Plus you have a young child and are doing so well to be studying at the same time. And a husband who seems to have his own issues going on. There is absolutely no reason to not respect you, in fact he should have the greatest respect for you for all the hard work you are doing at the moment. I'm glad in a way that my DH has always been a bit chubby. He has put more weight on this year as lots of people have. It makes me a bit worried for his overall health but I know he finds it hard to fit in exercise at the moment and is working very hard. Do I feel any less respect, or indeed love for him because he has a bigger waistline than last year? Absolutely not!