Too fat for my husband to respect me

[FootballFacedOrang]

Last night, somehow, the subject of my weight came up.

I told my husband I feel like he doesn't have any respect for me any more. It's hard to pinpoint. His general tone, lack of interest in anything I'm doing, undermining me in front of our 5yr old son. He just acts, quietly, like I'm something to be tolerated. Never celebrated, admired, or god forbid fancy.

I thought maybe I was being paranoid. No. Turns out my husband "can't have any respect for me when I don't have any respect for myself". By this he means that I am too fat (13 stone at 5 foot 6), don't get enough exercise and eat too much.

While he's right that I've not looked after myself as well as I should have done over the last five years, the fact that his respect for me is so conditional is hurtful.

I am studying at the moment. I got 87% for a piece of work this week. I'm dealing with lock down, which for me means seeing no one but my husband and 5 year old, not seeing my own family or friends for nearly a year, single handedly doing homeschooling + study ealier in the year. Now doing the vast majority of parenting, housework and cooking + my studies because I'm not out at work (my studies bring in as much more money as DHs pretty low paid job).

I should add that I had loads of massive surgery and a emergency hysterectomy when DS was born, so I was post baby, surgery, hysterectomy and menopause at 32. It's taken its toll.

I dunno. I agree that I should be healthier, but life isn't ideal and I am what I am. I don't think k that's a reason to respect me less. AIBU?

This is such a difficult topic.

Nobody should be disrespected for their weight, but as somebody who puts a lot of effort into staying in shape, I’d not honestly be happy if my partner put on significant weight and didn’t seem to be making an attempt to lose it.

I love her as a person but physical attraction is a big part of a relationship. People are free to make their own life choices but so are their partners, and nobody is obliged to stay with somebody who they’re not attracted to.

@FootballFacedOrang

I hear you. I do need to take more care of myself, for me and my family.

That said, I'm not sure withdrawing respect is a motivating force. I have made a lot of sacrifices for this relationship (moved away from family and friends, to a part of the country I don't feel at home). I would likebana to make changes. But starting that from a place of subservience is hard. I'd dearly love someone to boost me and bring me up, not down.

How does his criticism enable you to take more care of yourself? his comments have made you feel worthless, so that's not going to motivate you to care about yourself. He doesn't seem to be offering you much support in dealing with your problems. His basic message seems to be that he can't care about you unless you come up to his standards. I feel angry on your behalf.

Honestly? I’ve been there. I think the most powerful thing you can say is that you have enough respect for yourself to know that the way he speaks to you is wrong. Tell him you won’t take it, that you know you’re not perfect but neither is he, and if he can’t respect that he can fuck right off.

@GurpsAgain That is understandable.
Her DH should have been supportive and kind. OP I'd consider it the end of the marriage for the way he brought it out and the contemp he has shown.

'thought maybe I was being paranoid. No. Turns out my husband "can't have any respect for me when I don't have any respect for myself". By this he means that I am too fat (13 stone at 5 foot 6), don't get enough exercise and eat too much'

did he actually tell you what he meant or is that what you think?

That’s terrible OP. You’ve had a child and gone through a lot medically, I sometimes think men don’t understand that until something happens to their body that is out of their control. What he’s said would be hard to come back from, things can spiral.

I live in a hot climate and after my second kid I had bad veins on my legs which got even worse with my third child. I remember being embarrassed about the ugliness of my legs and saying to my now exDP how I didn’t know if I should wear shorts any more. Instead of being supportive my ex agreed and I felt more ashamed of how I looked. Now 10 years later we are divorced, I got my veins stripped, started exercising and my legs look great in shorts. Ironically he now has 100x worse varicose veins than I ever did due to a medical condition and his legs look very ugly, karma is a bitch.

Obviously we didn’t divorce just because of varicose veins, but one partner being negative and unsupportive of the other is not part of a healthy relationship.

Maybe have couples counseling as it’s important for him to understand what a dick he’s being and help to mend the gap that will grow between you when his feelings for you have conditions attached.

one partner being negative and unsupportive of the other is not part of a healthy relationship.

Maybe have couples counseling as it’s important for him to understand what a dick he’s being and help to mend the gap that will grow between you when his feelings for you have conditions attached.

I agree that negativity between partners isn’t good, but the flipside is that often people who talk about their husband being unhappy about their weight gain just seemingly want him to shut up so they can continue as before and not do anything about it (not referring specifically to OP here).

I think frank conversations are always best but maybe that’s just my perspective. It’s not ideal for a husband to be unhappy and feel the person her married is disappearing. Possibly the negative is this pent up frustration coming to the surface after months/years of holding back for fear of hurting feelings.

And let’s be honest, feelings always have conditions attached in the ultimate sense.

I hardly ever say this, but my god, LTB!

He lacks any empathy, you have had such a hard time, he should be cherishing and protecting you.

you deserve so much better than this dickhead!

@Newuser991

Sorry op was is just a hysterectomy?

Unless they took your ovaries out too then you haven't gone through menopause. Apologies if they did.

Love the bones of him ... what does that even mean

Are you always so rude?

The OP specifically stated menopause so why the doubting comments?

Slimness seems to be valued highly by men especially. Just something I have noticed over the years.

But to be fair the ones who say they would find fatness to be a deal breaker are slim and fit themselves.

Men have fast metabolisms, especially those who have physical, outdoor jobs.

Losing weight isn't so easy, but it is a good idea for health {I am a stone overweight...BMI 24}

I empathise !
want to lose that stone for health reasons, nothing else.

@FootballFacedOrang

This is it. I feel like my current weight devalues me in his eyes.

It's dressed up as concern for my health, but if I was thin and equally un/healthy I suspect it wouldn't be an issue.

He comes from a family of very thin physically fit people. I was a size 10-12 before children but hitting surgical menopause at 32 (because I nearly died giving birth to our child) has screwed my body. He's 3 yrs younger than me. I think he genuinely has no idea what it feels like to have your body fail you in any way. And he respects me less for it.

If you were size 10 once , you can be again!

My stepmum made a huge effort to lose two stones when she hit 55, and did!
She eats like a bird, but slowly and surely the weight came off.

She is slim and fit now, and eats very healthily.

If your husband is worried about you ''dying young'' I assume you must have put on a significant amount of weight?

It is possible to lose it.

''Visceral fat'' is so bad for us.

You can do it, but it does take a lot of sustained effort once metabolism slows.

@GurpsAgain

This is such a difficult topic.

Nobody should be disrespected for their weight, but as somebody who puts a lot of effort into staying in shape, I’d not honestly be happy if my partner put on significant weight and didn’t seem to be making an attempt to lose it.

I love her as a person but physical attraction is a big part of a relationship. People are free to make their own life choices but so are their partners, and nobody is obliged to stay with somebody who they’re not attracted to.

If you would leave a long term partner and mother of your child then you don't deserve to be in a relationship with any woman.

OP, you deserve better and he doesn't deserve you.

This is one of the times I would tell you to LTB, hopefully your studies can take you to a place of financial independence.

People say cruel things at times, words get lost. When it’s our partner, the impact on us is always two fold...

You know what you can do for yourself and where your negatives and positives lie. Triggers, such as poor word choices from our loved ones never help us move forward and onwards.

Whatever you decide to do for yourself, get with that mindset. When and if he is being a dick towards you, have words ready to point out his faults and walk away.

If you are not already doing this, go and get your hair done on a regular basis, body treatments and the like. Book it up to the joint account and keep up the monthly appointments.

Looking good and maintaining it isn’t cheap. Remind him that when he starts to see the cost.

You are so going to enjoy this journey!

I get the feeling he hasn't actually said it and it's more what OP thinks.

Maybe if OP loves herself a little better she will feel stronger and not feel inclined to think he does not respect her for being fat but more for not looking after herself which is a completely different thing

He's not perfect but he's very fit (and will always be perfect to me, because I love the bones of him)

More fool you then someone who puts their partner down in front of their child is disgusting. You should leave but you probably won't. I bet even if you lost weight he would just find something else to abuse you over.

These are two separate issues.

Your weight and your DP.

Your life changing birth and surgery will have massively impacted you, have you had therapy etc for that to absolutely rule out that you’re not depressed or have any MH struggles from that that could impact your mood and weight?

If you have ignore this and focus on portion control. There’s lots of resources available that show the right amounts for meals and you could get the scales out for a few weeks and measure your food until it becomes ingrained what a portion is. This is an essential skill I’ve been working on for a bit and it’s really helpful. I’ve got a cup for measuring everything one cup of pasta with 2 cups of veg etc to make things faster and easier.

Also your DP. We’re you planning on more than one child? Is there a possibility there’s resentment there that you have only one child and that’s it and he’s taking that out in you via your weight? I only ask because my ex was the same with me. Would put me down over various things inc my body when really what he was getting at was he saw me as a failure as a woman because I kept miscarrying. Of course in his eyes it was my fault not his fault sperm. It’s not your fault your body required such an intervention. You’re alive.

You are worthy of respect no matter what your size and it should never be conditional. Especially from a partner. I am furious. I don’t think I could ever be with someone who’s respect for me was so conditional.

I'd give him bloody poached aggressive where the sun don't shine. What a twat.

This

Really feel for you OP. I second PPs who said men often have no idea what it feels like to have their bodies betray them. My DH was alway very slim at the start of the relationship and in a physical job. I struggled with my weight after children. He was quite unempathetic about it and always parroted the ‘eat-less move-more mantra’. Now he’s 40+, works in an office and has the classic middle-age spread which won’t shift. He gets it now. I’m slimmer because I learned to squeeze activity into my day around the children.

If I were you I wouldn’t focus on anything apart from trying to move your body for enjoyment throughout the day and keeping up nourishing yourself with good healthy food.
So that would be a few stretches , squats or planks whenever you have a spare 30 seconds. That means you never get completely disconnected from your body, can build tone with only minimal effort and so will feel stronger and less achy. If you have ten minutes, go a walk round the block. Try prioritise sleep (easier said than done).
It’s then easier to tune into your body’s fullness and not just blindly wolf food down.

If you go on a full on weight loss and exercise kick when you’re already so stressed, it’s just one more stressor for your body and something else to worry about.

If you can, get yourself some smart new clothes and a hair trim when the salons open and start cherishing the body that you’ve got. I am in awe of everything you’ve achieved this year. Your husband sounds like he has some growing up to do.

@Ohalrightthen

It won't be a popular opinion, but i do see his point. Respect IS conditional, that's the whole point, it's earned. I have personally completely lost respect for people i care about who have evidently no reapect for their own health, particularly when those people are parents.

HOWEVER it sounds lkle there are extenuating circumstances for you, and he should be approaching this issue from a place of concern and support, with changes to his own behaviour, not judgement.

But the thing is she HAS earned his respect (or should have done) in many ways already - giving birth to their children at great personal cost, looking after said children, studying whilst also bringing in the largest family income. The fact that none of these things (particularly being a good parent) count for nothing in his eyes if you are not slim is ridiculous.

sorry that should be child, my phone autocorrect is being unhelpful.

The OP hasn't asked for the MN nutritionists, there is endless advice on weight loss available if this is something she wants to pursue for herself.

Your DH isn't treating you with love or respect. He should be able to gently raise things like weight with you, but this should be with understanding and consideration, not contempt. You have bigger relationship problems than your weight, sorry.

His general tone, lack of interest in anything I'm doing, undermining me in front of our 5yr old son

Do you respond to this with self respect, or do you just quietly put up with it and feel crappy? I'm sorry to be blunt, but his disrespect of you is a symptom, rather than the problem itself. You need to be in a place where you can say to him 'If you don't respect me, this relationship is over.' Ironically, that would earn his respect, but that's not the goal. The goal is you feeling that you deserve the best, and won't settle for less. The goal is you knowing for yourself that you're not being unreasonable to expect respect from your own husband, rather than having to ask a bunch of strangers on a forum.

Im 5ft 6 and 14 stone (well just under as I'm losing weight) and if my dh acted this way I dont think I could forgive him.
I've been 11st something and almost 15 stone in our relationship and his love and respect for me has never changed.
You deserve better than that even putting aside all you've been through.

You sound like you’re due a partner upgrade. Put him in the bin and take some time to value yourself again.

You’re achieving all kinds of things and it’s making him feel insecure. Instead of dealing with this by challenging and bettering himself he’s trying to promote his confidence by battering yours.

This isn’t likely to reverse- this is the best he can manage.

And on the health front- I lost two stone this year so my BMI is 22 but eating “better” has left me anaemic and I’m shattered all the time. Not ideal with two kids and a job. So I totally agree that people plug the health angle when all they mean is appearance.

Respect IS conditional, that's the whole point, it's earned.

As a general statement I think that's fair. But the OP is doing plenty that makes her worthy of respect. She actually sounds quite an impressive person who copes well with a lot. If her weight is enough for him to be unable to respect her (not just fancy her as much as he did at first), given all that, I do think he's in the wrong.